D/s with children in the house

[sereneone4u]

Originally Posted by Sweet_T

For shame??? I cannot seriously consider what you call "help" from a person who decides I am a "mess" based on 3 or 4 posts on a thread in a forum to which I am brand new. I think this is one of those classic deflection situations.

As for the idea that raising question of "if" indicating conflict with my responsibility to my sons, I believe that only the narrow minded cease to assess their own personal life situations and seek improvement and feedback. This topic is not your typical PTA mom type conversation so while it has been a significant topic through our relationship, it is rare that I discuss it in an open forum.

Those who imply that D/s is all about porn and sex need to learn a little more about D/s. It is not one in the same with BDSM even though they CAN intertwine. While I am new to this forum, I am not new to the lifestyle. I have been with my Dom for 8 years- prior to this I was single for a while and before that I was in a very awkward ill fitting relationship with the father of my children. (Ex-husband) prior to that I was a young adult who knew that she thrived on serving and inspiring others...

Project much?

You come onto a board expecting immediate acceptance and advice and then commence to stereotype a majority of women and act high-handed when the Litsters of this section of the board have been nothing but kind to you and given you sound advice.

You are the narrow-minded one, pointing your prejudicial finger at women who do not live as you do. Get the plank out of your eye instead of picking at the sliver of wood in others.

Shut up your ignorant mouth and listen and learn something from these people.

If I was your Dom I would be embarrassed by you.

I am done wasting my breath on you, I have better things to do.

So keep babbling and going around in circles with your issues instead of doing something productive.

[Sweet_T]

My children are exposed to many other relationship dynamics and while they do see what I listed in my OP, those things do not occur all day every day. They see many caring, sweet gestures on both of our parts toward each other. Think less slave, more prized and adored pet.

I guess there aren't many parents here that are involved in this lifestyle...

My son is no longer involved with the girl I mentioned. Why was he attracted to her? Probably because he was 16 and in his very first relationship and unable to decipher little red flags... I don't think many boys this age are listening to Dr. Phil.

[Sweet_T]

Originally Posted by sereneone4u

Project much?

You come onto a board expecting immediate acceptance and advice and then commence to stereotype a majority of women and act high-handed when the Litsters of this section of the board have been nothing but kind to you and given you sound advice.

You are the narrow-minded one, pointing your prejudicial finger at women who do not live as you do. Get the plank out of your eye instead of picking at the sliver of wood in others.

Shut up your ignorant mouth and listen and learn something from these people.

If I was your Dom I would be embarrassed by you.

I am done wasting my breath on you, I have better things to do.

So keep babbling and going around in circles with your issues instead of doing something productive.

Yay!!! See yuh!

[Riles]

Originally Posted by Sweet_T

My children are exposed to many other relationship dynamics and while they do see what I listed in my OP, those things do not occur all day every day. They see many caring, sweet gestures on both of our parts toward each other. Think less slave, more prized and adored pet.

I guess there aren't many parents here that are involved in this lifestyle...

My son is no longer involved with the girl I mentioned. Why was he attracted to her? Probably because he was 16 and in his very first relationship and unable to decipher little red flags... I don't think many boys this age are listening to Dr. Phil.

Wow, are you being deliberately provoking?

The D/s dynamic of your relationship in terms of the questions you originally asked could be interchanged with many different behaviours, all of which could be equally problematic for your boys to be raised with. I believe this was pointed out in terms of alcoholism from someone. Maybe you didn't see that? No one is saying you are in the WRONG, (okay, maybe some are), but some are also saying that rather than focusing on whether this should or should not be, perhaps (see: absolutely!) it is time to have a healthy, open dialogue about just this topic - relationship dynamics in all their many wonderful techno-coloured options.

And your last comment re: Dr. Phil, is kind of the huge point being made here over and over...and over. Why would you leave this kind of critical learning in the hands of someone OTHER than you, THE PARENT?

Outside sources as examples are great, but unless you are there to offer a summery of what they are seeing, you are leaving it to a 16 year old boys mind to process how it will. Now THAT is scary!

[Sweet_T]

Bear with me. I am a journalist. I write news articles and I am not used to this type of communication. I am used to writing about and responding to "just the facts" with occasional injections of sarcasm and wit.

I cannot remember the last (and perhaps the only) time I saw Dr. Phil on a television screen. In fact I discourage regular viewing of television. I would be somewhat beside myself if my child sought advice from a television.

Let's assume genuine (human- flawed and sometimes unplanned) and comfortable communication with all members of the family (baby daddy aka ex husband included) is very much present with one exception: giving our lifestyle a name or title. We let the kids point out what is weird to them. We listen to what they say and respond to their questions. HOWEVER, this doesn't mean I am convinced that our example is ideal. This is why I posed the question in my OP- I was wondering how other parents in the lifestyle handle things.

[Riles]

Originally Posted by Sweet_T

Bear with me. I am a journalist. I write news articles and I am not used to this type of communication. I am used to writing about and responding to "just the facts" with occasional injections of sarcasm and wit.

I cannot remember the last (and perhaps the only) time I saw Dr. Phil on a television screen. In fact I discourage regular viewing of television. I would be somewhat beside myself if my child sought advice from a television.

Let's assume genuine (human- flawed and sometimes unplanned) and comfortable communication with all members of the family (baby daddy aka ex husband included) is very much present with one exception: giving our lifestyle a name or title. We let the kids point out what is weird to them. We listen to what they say and respond to their questions. HOWEVER, this doesn't mean I am convinced that our example is ideal. This is why I posed the question in my OP- I was wondering how other parents in the lifestyle handle things.

I think you got your answer, just not in the way you were hoping for.

People actively involved in any variation of bdsm are telling you how to (they would) deal with the situation you've got.

[Sweet_T]

I did get some good feedback. And you are right- I was hoping for more feedback from those with kids in similar scenarios. Particularly subs who don't hang their collars up when they leave the bedroom. (Note: that is metaphoric-I do not wear a collar.)

[CutieMouse]

Originally Posted by Sweet_T

I did get some good feedback. And you are right- I was hoping for more feedback from those with kids in similar scenarios. Particularly subs who don't hang their collars up when they leave the bedroom. (Note: that is metaphoric-I do not wear a collar.)

I don't have time to give this a proper response right now, but you are making huge assumptions of your audience. Hopefully I'll be able to readdress the topic this evening.

[Sweet_T]

No I am not. I am merely emphasizing who's response would be particularly interesting to me. I did not realize that examples or specifics of any kind are taken personally by so many. That is strange to me considering we are all strangers from different backgrounds. I assumed all posts here are taken with a grain of salt; there is no way to tell if anyone here (and I include myself and am not directing this at any one person specifically) is full of b.s. or not who they say they are or pretending not to be a creepy man living in his momma's basement...

[Riles]

Originally Posted by Sweet_T

No I am not. I am merely emphasizing who's response would be particularly interesting to me. I did not realize that examples or specifics of any kind are taken personally by so many. That is strange to me considering we are all strangers from different backgrounds. I assumed all posts here are taken with a grain of salt; there is no way to tell if anyone here (and I include myself and am not directing this at any one person specifically) is full of b.s. or not who they say they are or pretending not to be a creepy man living in his momma's basement...

Gee, thanks. I'm sure glad I took the time to read your questions and formulate what I considered to be polite and helpful responses, when instead I could have just said something humorous and rude.

[KoPilot]

Seems to me like you don't even want to talk to your fuckin kids about this and want an easy way out that doesn't involve actually thinking critically about your D/s.

So here, the answer you were looking for:

"Poor sub, I know what it's like to have the world against you. Feminism has ruined a whole generation of perfectly good women, and now look at them. Cursing, drinking, wearing pants, working outside the home... and just look at the way they treat men now. No wonder there are so many divorces. But your relationship is genuine; I like that. I think you're setting a good example for your children, sending subtle messages about the way the world and relationships should be. If you sit them down to have a talk (which you don't have to-- actions speak louder than words, and discussing things can just make things awkward for them), make sure your sons knows to stay away from the slutty bitches; they'd never make good wives. If you have daughters, use other girls as examples of what not to do. Hint that you and the men in their lives would love them more if they grew up to be like you, rather than like all the manly "liberated" women out there. Good luck and you're doing great."

[IrisAlthea]

Originally Posted by Sweet_T

I did get some good feedback. And you are right- I was hoping for more feedback from those with kids in similar scenarios. Particularly subs who don't hang their collars up when they leave the bedroom. (Note: that is metaphoric-I do not wear a collar.)

As far as I know, most if not all people who answered this thread have kids and know about living in a relationship that is a bit outside the norm, including D/s outside the bedroom and TPE.

Originally Posted by Sweet_T

No I am not. I am merely emphasizing who's response would be particularly interesting to me. I did not realize that examples or specifics of any kind are taken personally by so many. That is strange to me considering we are all strangers from different backgrounds. I assumed all posts here are taken with a grain of salt; there is no way to tell if anyone here (and I include myself and am not directing this at any one person specifically) is full of b.s. or not who they say they are or pretending not to be a creepy man living in his momma's basement...

And from that assumption you decided to ask a serious question?

Don't worry. The grains of salt are growing.

[Sweet_T]

Originally Posted by KoPilot

Seems to me like you don't even want to talk to your fuckin kids about this and want an easy way out that doesn't involve actually thinking critically about your D/s.

So here, the answer you were looking for:

"Poor sub, I know what it's like to have the world against you. Feminism has ruined a whole generation of perfectly good women, and now look at them. Cursing, drinking, wearing pants, working outside the home... and just look at the way they treat men now. No wonder there are so many divorces. But your relationship is genuine; I like that. I think you're setting a good example for your children, sending subtle messages about the way the world and relationships should be. If you sit them down to have a talk (which you don't have to-- actions speak louder than words, and discussing things can just make things awkward for them), make sure your sons knows to stay away from the slutty bitches; they'd never make good wives. If you have daughters, use other girls as examples of what not to do. Hint that you and the men in their lives would love them more if they grew up to be like you, rather than like all the manly "liberated" women out there. Good luck and you're doing great."

Clearly I have offended you somehow. I apologize. Thanks for the laugh and for contributing to fellow readers' amusement. How one could possibly interpret my keystrokes and respond with something like this is so impressively..... yeah.

Thanks for the feedback.

[Ropebunny]

Originally Posted by Sweet_T

Clearly I have offended you somehow. I apologize. Thanks for the laugh and for contributing to fellow readers' amusement. How one could possibly interpret my keystrokes and respond with something like this is so impressively..... yeah.

Thanks for the feedback.

To be pretty frank, I think you've somehow managed to offend almost all the mothers on this board (and there are a lot of us).


Most of us have already crossed this bridge and made decisions on what our kids will see/hear/know about our lifestyles and how we will manage their questions/behaviours that arise from this knowledge.


Your assumption that our surprise at you not having done this is us not having had any experience of either D/s or children is so....yeah.

[Stella_Omega]

Sometimes I think that "female submissive" is an euphemism for "my license to be a bitch."

Or maybe they think that being shitty to other women is just fine, as long as they kneel pretty for their Master. Maybe they just don't respect their peers.

But whatever.

How I and my husband dealt with our kinks and our children;

We did not indulge ourselves by acting out with all the Protocol in front of them.

In other words, we hung up the collars when we left the bedroom.

My suggestion to anyone lets their kids witness behavior that could imply a wide-ranging socially accepted inequality between the genders;

Talk to your teenagers.

[Stag of Oberon]

you know... as a young adult I remember my dad trying to treat my mother this way... only once though.

It never occurred to me that it might have been negotiated at some point; I offered to kill him for it.

I never had a good relationship with my dad.

so... how would it make you feel if your sons stood up for their mother's dignity, baseball bat in hand?

would that be as bad as bailing them out of jail, because they'd tried to treat someone the way your husband treats you?

[Netzach]

I grew up around a socially submissive mother.

Submissive to boyfriends, husbands, her mother, the world.

Before being mature enough to feel sorry for her mostly, I kind of spent time wanting to throw up, hating her for never standing up for ME either, and determining that....THE FUCK I would ever be like her in a relationship. Ever.

I am a Dominant woman, but I have also had to mature and do a lot of work to not be a psycho narcissitic bitchface, in reaction to my mother, while still policing personal boundaries and not letting anyone walk over me.

For whatever that's worth.

Your choices to be visible and transparent among forming minds, essentially, are sucking. They make you happy, but you can't even muster the courage to point out that you're doing what makes you happy in a world filled with other choices.

[Bandit58]

My first marriage was emotionally abusive. I have two children from that marriage, now grown up and one with a child of her own. My relationship with Sir began after I left that first marriage and moved to a new country without them (they were 16 and 21). They have been to visit us and have seen our dynamic.

In public, I would probably be seen as just an attentive wife. I get things for Him when He asks (and He asks me politely, using please and thank you). I serve Him first at meals, get His meds ready for Him, make sure He has what He wants/needs when He wants/needs it. I do not kneel at His feet, nor does He lead me around by my neck, although we do hold hands in public and also kiss.

I would much rather my kids see a happy loving relationship with respect and honesty going both ways, than one where I was taken for granted and often put down and criticised.

[intothewoods]

I have to say -- this has shades of Beloved for me ...Anyway...

Originally Posted by eastern sun

I've been concerned with the impact my behavior was having on my kids. It's caused me to modify my behavior around them, and especially to "own" my own authority with them, which is (I think) the most critical aspect of our relationship that was compromised by my slavery to my husband. For a while, I acted like I didn't have any authority at all, which is the wrong message for kids.

We took the ropes off our bed after our young children started tying each other up in them. And we stopped impact play at a certain stage because the noise always woke up my daughter. (I can't wait for my kids to leave home. . . .) My kids regularly find sex toys in our bedroom, and have had all kinds of reactions ranging from "gross" to "curious." Though I used to worry about it when they were younger, I don't worry so much now. Kids have been exposed to their parents' sexuality for a long time. It's more important that they have a healthy respect for sex, in my opinion, than that they are shielded as teenagers from any glimpse of their parents' relationship. (I hope it is clear that I am not saying that kids should be exposed to their parents' overt sexual acts. In a house with teenagers, privacy is important for everyone.)

Less important than the fact that my older kids might judge my relationship with their father (which they do) is the fact that they trust me to care for them, love them, and set aside my own desires to meet their needs when they ask for help.

It's how "caught up" I can be in my own sexual relationship(s) that is the bigger problem in our lives. If I'm too preoccupied and distracted by my own sexual thoughts and feelings, then it's always best for me to focus on other things for a while to maintain emotional balance within the family.

I do feel a certain..not resentment but like an argh, can't I have my privacy! - I guess because I want to be perfect mom when I'm on mom duty, but I want my sex life too. I don't want to parade around or anything but can't I have a closet that's off limits or something? And what about the computer? I don't want my kids to someday come find me on fucking literotica, you know? Right now they're little but what about when they get to be teenagers? How do you handle that? I would seriously die if my kids found a fucking sex toy of mine. Shit, I guess I am just not ready for the teen years. Or maybe they don't look when they get to be that age? I was completely uninterested in my parents' sex life when I was a teen. I mean, duh, GROSS!

Originally Posted by Sweet_T

While I am new to this forum, I am not new to the lifestyle. I have been with my Dom for 8 years- prior to this I was single for a while and before that I was in a very awkward ill fitting relationship with the father of my children. (Ex-husband) prior to that I was a young adult who knew that she thrived on serving and inspiring others...

Ahhh, so you guys have been married for 8 years? And this is your kids' step-parent. I think you do need to consider that your kids will view a step differently than their dad, and that's on top of the fact that all teenagers think their parents are weird.

Originally Posted by Sweet_T

I did get some good feedback. And you are right- I was hoping for more feedback from those with kids in similar scenarios. Particularly subs who don't hang their collars up when they leave the bedroom. (Note: that is metaphoric-I do not wear a collar.)

There are plenty of parents here who have already answered you but I'll add my two cents...

I was concerned with how my relationship with my husband (also a stepparent btw) would be perceived by my son, and I gave it a lot of thought when we were getting married and moving in together. My husband is who he is - so I think that his strong personality and desire to be in charge comes through no matter what. But I also feel a strong need to parent the way I see fit, so at times in my head I feel a certain amount of conflict to do all of the following at once: (1) be a good parent, (2) be a good wife, (3) not undermine my husband, (4) maintain my authority as a parent (stealing that from easternsun). And then sometimes my head explodes and I think to hell with it, the foundation for our family is love and respect so it just isn't that big of a deal. I do overthink things.

I would never want to do anything so weird that my kids would feel uncomfortable, unless there was a good reason. Like I might consider publishing something personal which my kid might find embarrassing because ultimately the value of artistic expression is worth it to me. But my husband calling me girl? No, there's no payoff there, and the cost is that my kids might think that's acceptable or realize it's not acceptable and wonder wtf is up with his parents.

This is a good opportunity to talk to your kids about negotiation in a relationship, how relationships differ and how different personalities might complement each other (this isn't even a D/s thing). I would have found all that useful as a teen because I actually thought all relationships should be perfectly equal all the time and that doesn't exist in vanilla relationships either. There's always ebb and flow and all that.

Hope this all made some sense...I'm getting very sleepy...

[Etoile]

Originally Posted by Sweet_T

I assumed all posts here are taken with a grain of salt; there is no way to tell if anyone here (and I include myself and am not directing this at any one person specifically) is full of b.s. or not who they say they are or pretending not to be a creepy man living in his momma's basement...

This board isn't really like that. You can see my join date on the side. I've known most of the posters here for a very long time. This board is full of genuine people; those who are not are pretty quickly detected and get stonewalled out. The people here take their various flavors of BDSM fairly seriously, and don't have much patience for people who are frivolous about it. Not everybody is 24/7 TPE, but everybody is serious about what they do.

[Ellafun]

My entire family observed this kind of behavior years ago when my brother got married. We were invited to his in-laws house for dinner. The "Mr." sat in a recliner in the corner of the room and snapped his fingers at the "Mrs." and said, "Drink." She scurried off to the kitchen like someone had lit a match under her.

I turned to my husband at that moment, and told him if he EVER did that to me in public, he would be getting his own drinks for the rest of his life.

My point is this: Children learn what they live. Sometimes we just have to remember that they imprint everything we do. If you want them to learn how to be in a healthy relationship, lead by example. And like everyone else mentioned, talk to them. Teach them that you feel respected, cherished and loved. Teach them the difference between a joyful subservient lifestyle and an abusive relationship.

Now frankly, I know if I tried to approach my own teenagers with this topic, they would fall into "awkward" mode and walk away, so I'm not sure how to tell you to open this dialogue. I wish I could be more helpful, but we've always kept to the bedroom and keep the toys locked up.

[Bramblethorn]

Originally Posted by Sweet_T

Wow, I think we are so set and natural in our roles that I don't even see what I listed as kink by society's definition. I see it as everyday life. 50 years ago, this would have been typical.

There's a very important difference: CHOICE. You're submissive to your partner because that's your personal preference, and that's fine. But forget about fifty years ago - even today, there are plenty of women who submit because they don't have a viable alternative.

IMHO, that's a distinction that you need to communicate to your kids. Otherwise they're likely to grow up with some very damaging misconceptions.

[dexwebster]

A lot of people have said a lot of things better than I could've, but two notes.

Originally Posted by Sweet_T

they will decide that our relationship is "bad" because he does not treat me as an equal. (One of them already alludes to this.)
. . .
do not instill any of our personal preferences/perceptions about the details/rituals of ours into my sons.

If the first of these is true, then the second one plainly isn't. If they're commenting on the equality of your relationship, then you're imparting that stuff to them whether you want to be or not.

I can't imagine us compromising any more than we already do- it would require an incredible amount of effort...

"Can't imagine" and "would take a lot of effort" are by definition opposites. One of them is imaginable and possible, one of them isn't. I think a lot of people would say that if there's anything in their life worth that much effort, it's their kids.

[Sweet_T]

Originally Posted by dexwebster

A lot of people have said a lot of things better than I could've, but two notes.



If the first of these is true, then the second one plainly isn't. If they're commenting on the equality of your relationship, then you're imparting that stuff to them whether you want to be or not.



"Can't imagine" and "would take a lot of effort" are by definition opposites. One of them is imaginable and possible, one of them isn't. I think a lot of people would say that if there's anything in their life worth that much effort, it's their kids.

I was going to let this thread fizzle out, but I HAVE TO respond to this and say that I agree with you. I wrote the OP while on the toilet on my smart phone. I did not put much effort in the wording or editing. In fact, I only re-read it once before I posted it. Oh well. I would make an appropriate joke about giving a shit (literally) but after the shit ton of private messages I received from forum members about how.... Uhm.... unique... this particular forum can be I don't wish to ruffle any more feathers. Happy Painting!!!

[Stella_Omega]

All those PMs, uh huh. I just bet.

You know-- if you're not going to apologise, you should know that no one gives a fuck about your explanation. Or your bathroom habits.

Still, I bet we are all hoping that something out of these posts will percolate through that head of yours. Probably everyone here cares more about your family than we do about your bad manners.