one pissed off mistress

[velena_night]

I have been in this life for the past 10 years and still do not get why every dom out there seems to believe that just because I am female I'm a sumissive slut. In the past week I have had enough. SO to all... I respect those that show me repect both sub and dom/domme alike. So anyone from this site please feel free to message me. Arogent doms find someone else to bother and insult.

Mistress Velena

[Stag of Oberon]

Just a little venting? Was there a topic of discussion you hoped to postulate?

I know the subject of asshole would be dominants trying to tell other dominants that they're not really dominant is a topic that comes up regularly.

Mostly I see complaints of men telling women; is the inverse something anyone has experienced or witnessed?

Actually, I suspect anyone who prefers a less harsh style might be just as prone to being told this by those kinds of people, gender aside.

As a switch, I have been told (by a dominant young woman) that I could not possibly have a dominant bone in my body, simply because she'd seen how I reacted to being bitten (by another switch).

[velena_night]

Mostly a need to vent after getting a meesage but I have often wanted to talk about this with others. I have had little contact with others other then subs I have found along the way. In a way I see myself as a switch as well but not in the way it is normally used. Out around people I am very submissive, yet behind closed doors with someone I know is in the life sub, switch or dom/domme I instently become the domme. I have often wondered if this is odd for one such as myslef. Even now that I'm calmer I find the shy sub coming out in me. Is this why doms treat me like shit?

[CutieMouse]

Explain "very submissive" in public? I'm not sure I understand what that means.

People can be twits; your rant isn't uncommon. If you ID as a Domme, there will be men who assume you only need the "right lord masterly master" to flip you. (Kinda like the mythical "she was a lesbian until she experienced MY dick!" BS) similarly, there are rude people out there who assume submissive = XYZ, with equally disastrous results. Learn to blow off, educate, or cut them down to size; they aren't worth the frustration.

Ps- there's an "asshat thread around here somewhere for idiotic PMs.

[velena_night]

To explain for you "very submissive" is based on the way I am outside of my comfort zone. Around people I become very shy, and often look for someone to guide my actions.

Thank you for the reply

[Primalex]

Originally Posted by velena_night

I have often wondered if this is odd

I would assume that you can find any combination of mental disorder and sexual preference. Otherwise it would mean, sexual preferences could override disorders. So I don't see a reason why social anxiety disorder shouldn't exist in dominant people. Some combinations might fit "better" together - like dominance and narcissistic personality disorder, but this doesn't necessarily mean that it is better.

[Sir_Winston54]

Originally Posted by velena_night

I have been in this life for the past 10 years and still do not get why every dom out there seems to believe that just because I am female I'm a sumissive slut. In the past week I have had enough. SO to all... I respect those that show me repect both sub and dom/domme alike. So anyone from this site please feel free to message me. Arogent doms find someone else to bother and insult.

Mistress Velena

I understand that you're (justifiably) upset that some people have disrespected and insulted you; I would be, too. However, your statement that "every dom out there" has done so seems to me to be a bit of hyperbole. Not being a Dom myself - I identify as a Sadist with some few dominant tendencies - I can't speak for all of them, or any of them, actually, but of those I've known over the past 40 years or so in this culture, even before it was "identified" as BDSM in the 1990s, I've only met a small percentage - perhaps less than one in twenty - who would automatically seem "to believe that just because [you are] female [you're] a submissive slut." It might seem to you that a huge number of Doms has disrespected and insulted you, but please try not to tar every member of a class with the actions of a substantially smaller number.

(Of course, this ratio may quite well be vastly different if you're dealing primarily with online "Doms," many of whom have never spanked anything other than their own shriveled members but I inferred from your phrasing that you were referring to *real-life* Doms in the culture.)

[Stella_Omega]

Out of the Doms and Dommes I know in real life, I know one woman who is arrogant and off-putting and will tell men that they are really submissive and should stop calling themselves Dom-- and she's hetero, by the way.

And I've stopped counting the number of men who have made little jokes or sincere statements to women.

But--- not all men do this. Really, not.

Personally, I conjecture that most D-types are really service tops (regardless of their gender). I believe that the guys who say this are actually expressing their desire to service-- however, couching that desire in the terms they use is counter productive to say the least, and more than anything else is the result of the lousy language choices the het BDSM community has made.

Umm... what were we talking about again?

[desertslave]

I know this will sound silly, considering the site we're on, but I think everyone is deserving of courtesy in initial messaging, and that premature assumptions are out of line in either direction.

The error is compounded if one has clear messages in a profile. I bristle (and add to my ignore list) whenever someone posts a "kneel to me slut" variant in a first message. I'm already owned and kneel to nobody but him (unless, of course, he instructs me otherwise--not likely to happen).

Assumption = fail

[CutieMouse]

Shy is shy, not submissive; politely letting someone else take charge (who wishes to do so) isn't inherently submissive, either. Even PYLs are allowed to be introverted and/or antisocial... To be blunt, don't get pissed off at people who buy into the same stereotype you've bought into, yourself.

I am a quiet, introverted person when put in a public setting, yet people who don't know me well often presume I'm the dominant party in a relationship (I'm not). Buffoons are buffoons... They have no bearing on your status as a person.

[Netzach]

I'm an introvert with strong boundaries. When someone says one of those stupid things that dominants/tops say - and yes, that's Dominants in general...
put them on the spot, gently, and see how quickly the bluster dries up

While women may not do it to men, believe me women do it to one another too. Butch tops are almost as arrogant about the nearest femme as men are - everyone always has to get in some little dig - it's human hierarchical behavior and I detest it. I'm dominant in my private life, and in public life, I want to be left out of the power jockeying.

Maybe it's different elsewhere but wherever I've gone, the assumption is automatic that femme = sub unless you've made it more than abundantly clear.

Ask them why they would say that. Whatever "that" is.

[Stella_Omega]

Maybe it's different elsewhere but wherever I've gone, the assumption is automatic that femme = sub unless you've made it more than abundantly clear.

For a lot of butches, that's why they assume the butch identity in the first place, because they can't achieve autonomy otherwise without that constant unrelenting battle.

That's just more of the same.

[njlauren]

I don't know if you are talking in real life or on the net (on the net, there are a lot of "doms" who are rude, arrogant dickheads, who are some geek in their parent's basement getting off online acting like that). There is some of what you talk about out there, my old therapist told me stories of some male dominants telling her she was really sub (fat chance, I have heard from others about the way she played, holy shit, I would not mess with her...), but I don't think it is common. There are jerks everywhere, I ran into so called dominants who assumed because I was a sub they could order me around or treat me rudely (my domme used to love that, gave her a chance to scare the rude people, by showing what she thought of people treating her sub like that), which is a major no no but the problem is, some people get caught up in their own 'grandeur' and think because they call themselves Mistress DarkNightSky or Master Neutronium that suddenly everyone should worship them (like, please, all I ever did with people like that is make major league fun of them..).

I don't know what your experiences are, if it is PM's and from jerks online, ignore it. The people into BD/SM, into D and s, kind of understand how stupid and rude it is to assume anything about another person....and if some jerk male 'dom' in his stupid leather vest and leather pants does that to you, a good pair of steel toed spike heeled boots do wonders, applied to the shins or the balls

[Stella_Omega]

"Master Neutronium" I love it!

At a convention last year a guy chose "Master Bater" for his name tag. He was NOT popular amongst the Domly Dom crowd-- you could see their chestsies puffing like crazy when he went past.

[Sir_Winston54]

Originally Posted by Stella_Omega

"Master Neutronium" I love it!

At a convention last year a guy chose "Master Bater" for his name tag. He was NOT popular amongst the Domly Dom crowd-- you could see their chestsies puffing like crazy when he went past.

I'd have been laughing my ass off, buying him drinks and finding him a LOT bigger name tag!

[Dyslexicea]

Originally Posted by velena_night

I have been in this life for the past 10 years and still do not get why every dom out there seems to believe that just because I am female I'm a sumissive slut.

Mistress Velena

I'm surprised you're so shocked. Most men, guys I did say most, think they're superior to us anyway. Even in the queer community most gays seem to think they somehow have ownership rights to us lesbians.

I'll submit to whomever I choose and as often as she wants but even though we live in a cock dominated world, there is not a man in this world who's ever going to dominate me.

If they think they can they can just my ass!

By the way guys, I'm not a man hating lesbian, I do find some of you little monsters very adorable. Don't know why! *Shrugs*

[JamieJ424]

I am not a 'domly dom,' and I am also a hopelessly awkward introvert.

Clearly there's a component of ego that goes along with being a dominant, but as with every other aspect of human behavior, there's a big difference between a healthy ego and an overinflated ego. I think there are dominants from both genders who take it a bit too far in terms of their owned imagined competence and things they interpret as effrontery, even from people they don't even know.

The whole "You just haven't found a man strong enough to submit to" thing cracks me up. Overinflated egos amuse me, irrespective of gender. If I ever saw a conversation like that take place I'd probably laugh hard enough to get my ass kicked.

Stella's comment about most Dominants being service tops was interesting. I don't know if it's a typical experience, but I had a conversation with someone who was tired of meeting a dominant and being asked what she wanted. For a long time I thought I was an asshole for approaching it from the other side and quietly saying, "Here's what I need from you." Now I think that's the level of ego that makes a dominant. Anything less and you're a wannabe, anything more is sheer narcissism.

J

[Netzach]

Originally Posted by JamieJ424

I am not a 'domly dom,' and I am also a hopelessly awkward introvert.

Clearly there's a component of ego that goes along with being a dominant, but as with every other aspect of human behavior, there's a big difference between a healthy ego and an overinflated ego. I think there are dominants from both genders who take it a bit too far in terms of their owned imagined competence and things they interpret as effrontery, even from people they don't even know.

The whole "You just haven't found a man strong enough to submit to" thing cracks me up. Overinflated egos amuse me, irrespective of gender. If I ever saw a conversation like that take place I'd probably laugh hard enough to get my ass kicked.

Stella's comment about most Dominants being service tops was interesting. I don't know if it's a typical experience, but I had a conversation with someone who was tired of meeting a dominant and being asked what she wanted. For a long time I thought I was an asshole for approaching it from the other side and quietly saying, "Here's what I need from you." Now I think that's the level of ego that makes a dominant. Anything less and you're a wannabe, anything more is sheer narcissism.

J

This.

I've always thought power exchange as something external to both people. A blanket list of wants doesn't do me any good with someone who isn't interested in any of them.

I approach it like, ok, what are you bringing to make dinner? This is what I'm bringing to make dinner. Oh, you're bringing ice cream and I'm bringing squid brand fish sauce, sorry, this isn't for me. Oh, you've got a lime, maybe we can do this.

I don't think I'm a service top because I don't care that much about pleasing other people and pleasure reactions exclusive of other kinds, but I AM into creating big reactions in other people and less worried about the way to get there'

I do have a boner for the communication process that gets there. That's not a hurdle, that's the whole point.

"Control" isn't that interesting to me as the ends more as a means to incite those reactions and see my power in action.

[LucyH]

Sometimes you might as well just laugh, Velena.

Presumptuous guys hate that.

[JamieJ424]

Love the dinner analogy.

It's also interesting how much of this could apply to any healthy vanilla relationship.

J

Originally Posted by Netzach

This.

I've always thought power exchange as something external to both people. A blanket list of wants doesn't do me any good with someone who isn't interested in any of them.

I approach it like, ok, what are you bringing to make dinner? This is what I'm bringing to make dinner. Oh, you're bringing ice cream and I'm bringing squid brand fish sauce, sorry, this isn't for me. Oh, you've got a lime, maybe we can do this.

I don't think I'm a service top because I don't care that much about pleasing other people and pleasure reactions exclusive of other kinds, but I AM into creating big reactions in other people and less worried about the way to get there'

I do have a boner for the communication process that gets there. That's not a hurdle, that's the whole point.

"Control" isn't that interesting to me as the ends more as a means to incite those reactions and see my power in action.

[Dyslexicea]

Originally Posted by LucyH

Sometimes you might as well just laugh, Velena.

Presumptuous guys hate that.

Writing this in my journal "How to put men in their proper place".

[DVS]

Originally Posted by velena_night

I have been in this life for the past 10 years and still do not get why every dom out there seems to believe that just because I am female I'm a sumissive slut. In the past week I have had enough. SO to all... I respect those that show me repect both sub and dom/domme alike. So anyone from this site please feel free to message me. Arogent doms find someone else to bother and insult.

Mistress Velena

I think it's a testosterone thing. There have been times when I've seen a domme and thought I could at least change her into a switch. I just thought about it though. I never acted on it. I really do think it's just hard wired into men.

In a heterosexual relationship, the man is often thought of as the aggressor or the pursuer. Most women are taught never to approach a man, never call him. It's just NOT done. And for years, that was just how things were. Of course, I think all of that is pure bull. I know I wouldn't mind if a woman called me up and said she was interested in me. I also would have loved to get flowers from a woman, but that's another one sided stereotype.

It's similar to how men are taught not to hit a woman. Now, many men are timid, when their women want to be dominated...and hit. But, stereotypes do change, it just takes some people longer to catch on. I guess those are the guys you happen to be hearing from.

[satindesire]

Originally Posted by JamieJ424

Love the dinner analogy.

It's also interesting how much of this could apply to any healthy vanilla relationship.

J

Well, you know what they say, you can't beat a good vanilla.

[Stag of Oberon]

Originally Posted by satindesire

Well, you know what they say, you can't beat a good vanilla.

LMAO

i read this the sarcastic/ BDSM way before the "ordinary" version of the double meaning even occurred to me.

nice pun

[Stella_Omega]

Originally Posted by DVS

I think it's a testosterone thing. There have been times when I've seen a domme and thought I could at least change her into a switch. I just thought about it though. I never acted on it. I really do think it's just hard wired into men.

Proving you're smarter than the average bear, perhaps.