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Old 09-15-2016, 11:59 PM   #1
Kantarii
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Would love some feedback on my newest chapter.

Looking for feedback on my latest chapter of "A Slut's Triangle". Chapter 11. The link is posted below. It's a transexuals & cross dresser theme story that is wrapped up in a love triangle. Looking for a decent critique, not so much on grammatical errors, but for flow of dialogue and mood, etc. thanks.
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https://www.literotica.com/s/a-sluts-triangle-pt-11 (Kimbery and Ashleigh have sex)
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Last edited by Kantarii : 11-05-2016 at 06:26 PM.
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Old 10-14-2016, 09:55 PM   #2
Kantarii
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Bumping this one time to see if anyone is interested in reading the chapter?
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I AM FANTASY!
I am the shadows in your mind ... The gateway to your fantasies...
I am your dreams made reality ... And, the lust in your eyes...
♫♪ But, what's puzzling you is the nature of my game! ♪♫
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Do T-girls & Transvestites Interest You? Checkout my Stories.

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Old 10-15-2016, 01:52 PM   #3
8letters
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As much as I like helping other authors, I am not up to starting that late into a story and I'm not going to read the whole ten chapters just to give some feedback.
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Old 11-05-2016, 06:31 PM   #4
Kantarii
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 8letters View Post
As much as I like helping other authors, I am not up to starting that late into a story and I'm not going to read the whole ten chapters just to give some feedback.
I wasn't looking for someone to read all the previous chapters, just the current chapter listed (Chapter11). That was really all I was asking since the chapters are mostly stand alone
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I AM FANTASY!
I am the shadows in your mind ... The gateway to your fantasies...
I am your dreams made reality ... And, the lust in your eyes...
♫♪ But, what's puzzling you is the nature of my game! ♪♫
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Do T-girls & Transvestites Interest You? Checkout my Stories.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-sluts-triangle-pt-10(Kimberly puts her sexual moves on Ashleigh)

https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions My Story Submissions
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Old 11-10-2016, 08:41 AM   #5
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I've only read the linked-to chapter. It didn't take me too much time to figure out who was who. I think the chapter is overall well written, and I particularly think the thunderstorm is a nice flourish. I like how you balance the physical acts with what's going on inside the protagonists mind. I find Kevin/Ashley well drawn and interesting.

On a more critical note, your characters talk a lot during sex. Not just dirty talk; they have entire conversations about various subjects. At times it worked well enough for me, but in other spots, it made me think, would those two really have this discussion at this exact moment?


A few more details I noticed:

- Finger-fucking a guy, at least in my experience, is less about in-and-out, and more about staying in and massaging the prostate.

- Roughly halfway through the text, you write that Kevin "can feel his cock getting hard". That puzzled me. Surely, he's been hard all this time? They just had vaginal intercourse a few paragraphs before.

- I feel you introduced the black-out, then forgot about it again. I think you should do more with it, or at least mention it again towards the end. As it is, that element kind of feels... unresolved?


Hope some of that was useful!
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Last edited by hylas_ : 11-10-2016 at 08:55 AM.
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Old 11-10-2016, 07:55 PM   #6
Kantarii
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hylas_ View Post
I've only read the linked-to chapter. It didn't take me too much time to figure out who was who. I think the chapter is overall well written, and I particularly think the thunderstorm is a nice flourish. I like how you balance the physical acts with what's going on inside the protagonists mind. I find Kevin/Ashley well drawn and interesting.

On a more critical note, your characters talk a lot during sex. Not just dirty talk; they have entire conversations about various subjects. At times it worked well enough for me, but in other spots, it made me think, would those two really have this discussion at this exact moment?


A few more details I noticed:

- Finger-fucking a guy, at least in my experience, is less about in-and-out, and more about staying in and massaging the prostate.

- Roughly halfway through the text, you write that Kevin "can feel his cock getting hard". That puzzled me. Surely, he's been hard all this time? They just had vaginal intercourse a few paragraphs before.

- I feel you introduced the black-out, then forgot about it again. I think you should do more with it, or at least mention it again towards the end. As it is, that element kind of feels... unresolved?


Hope some of that was useful!
Thanks for the honest critique. Overall I was extremely pleased with the chapter, but I had intended to revrevise the chapter once I got some honest feedback. I will consider many of the points you raised in your reply as they seem legitimately worthy to consider in a revision to strengthen a pivotal chapter in the storyline

I didn't think it was necessary to touch on the blackout again since the chapter was pretty short, and felt it was adequately conveyed, but I will reread it in that light and touch on it briefly towards the end of the chapter when I post a revision. The same goes for the finger fucking aspect. Thanks again. I will look to revise the chapter before I proceed into the next👠👠👠Kant
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I AM FANTASY!
I am the shadows in your mind ... The gateway to your fantasies...
I am your dreams made reality ... And, the lust in your eyes...
♫♪ But, what's puzzling you is the nature of my game! ♪♫
*****************************************************************
Do T-girls & Transvestites Interest You? Checkout my Stories.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-sluts-triangle-pt-10(Kimberly puts her sexual moves on Ashleigh)

https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions My Story Submissions
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