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Old 06-04-2014, 05:53 PM   #1
jimmyg1999ms
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Should I continue this story?

Hello,

Please give me your opinion good or bad. I want to know if I should continue writing or at least finishing this story. I am open to anything. I would like to improve my writing skills. I apologize if it should be in another place.

This is the beginning of a mom/son story where she eventually teaches him how to please a woman in every way.

This is all imaginary. All characters are over 18.

The first time I thought about her sexually was when I walked in on her and my step-dad. Her shorts and panties were on the floor around her ankles. I saw her nicely formed ass. She was working her way down his chest. He saw me but she did not. He did something I never will forget and I know he wanted me to see. He slowly moved his hand up to his lips and gave me the sign to be quiet.

He then guided her down and she began to lick his cock. He placed his hand at the side of her head which blocked her view of me standing in the doorway. She turned sideways a bit and I saw her big dark patch of hair. That is why to this day I love hairy pussy. She worked on his hard cock and sucked more and more. She focused on his cock head for a bit then I heard his cock pop from the suction as she pulled off his cock. All of this time he is telling her that she is doing great and I hear him moan a bit. He is smiling directly at me as he begins to fuck her mouth. He is careful not to let her catch a glimpse of me and I hear her slobbering all over his hard cock.

He then pulls her back onto the bed on her stomach and lifts her mid-section up so that her ass is up in the air. He pulls off her shorts and panties the rest of the way and shifts her so that her ass is facing me. She has no idea that I am watching a live porn show and he is making her the star. He takes a seat on the bed next to her and spreads her ass cheeks apart and I see her fur pie. He then spreads her pussy moving the hair out of the way so I can get a good view of her pussy. With his fingers at each edge he pulls her lips apart and I see her glistening pussy hole. He probed her pussy with his finger and when he pulls it out I can see the wetness. He uses the wetness to lube her clit and begins stroking her clit and I hear her beginning to moan. He then begins to slobber all over her clit and pussy. He was eating her like a starving man. He sucked her clit and pussy lips and then she finally told him to fuck her. He motioned for me to get out of the room. I carefully did so and I left with my memories of what I had just witnessed.
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Old 06-04-2014, 11:34 PM   #2
stlgoddessfreya
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Finish it and post it. The only way you can improve as a writer is to write, get feedback, and write some more.

If this is what you intend to be the opening lines of your story, I'd definitely start with something more dynamic. Right now, you have a description of the physical action, but not the people involved. There's not much to get the reader into what's happening and it starts pretty flat.

"I just wanted to ask my step-dad a quick question, to borrow the car, I think. When I looked in the bedroom door, though, she was working her way down his chest. He saw me; she did not. Then he did something I never will forget. He slowly moved his hand up to his lips and gave me the sign to be quiet. Her shorts and panties were on the floor around her ankles, so I saw her nicely formed bare ass. It was the first time I ever thought about my mother sexually."

I added very little and nothing substantive to your first paragraph, just moved what you wrote around to make it more dynamic. Remember to keep your tenses consistent in your piece. In what you put here, you shifted from past tense to present tense in your verbs halfway through the second paragraph. Stick with past tense for now, present tense can be grating, especially for new writers.

Keep going!
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Old 06-04-2014, 11:46 PM   #3
jimmyg1999ms
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Thank you very much for your comments and suggestions.
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Old 06-05-2014, 12:30 AM   #4
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I was definitely enjoying it. Be careful though, because you are switching between past tense and present tense at times. Still, its really good. Keep going.
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Old 06-05-2014, 10:06 AM   #5
elfin_odalisque
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jimmyg, the goddess is right that you should finish your story and post it. You will only get better with as much exposure to comments - for good or bad.

You should open a story with a bang to get us involved, like the goddess says. Jump into the action. That's the way to hook readers.

I would start with an exclamation as he sees his mother having sex as he suddenly opens the bedroom door. Just change the first sentence to be more dramatic to lure readers in.
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Old 06-05-2014, 10:26 AM   #6
stlgoddessfreya
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I'd also recommend reading Elfin's awesome short essay about language in erotica:

http://www.literotica.com/s/my-cute-stumpy-thick-end
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Old 06-06-2014, 01:07 AM   #7
robertreams
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post it but can the "fur pie"???? Am I to assume this is mom? if so, more emphasis should be placed on mom, at least a few mentions of Mom or Mother. I agree, the only way to get good at anything is practice, practice, practice. The current minimum standard for excellence is 10.000 hours.
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Old 06-06-2014, 12:19 PM   #8
FantasyXY
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I didn't have one bit of trouble reading your work as you moved from tense to tense. I find that moving from describing a character's feelings to describing "live action" often requires a subtle change in tense. I also find a story written purely in a single tense to be kind of boring, unless it has been extremely well written.

What I would do is finish the story and then set it aside for a while as you work on another story or two. Then go back and read it paragraph by paragraph. Try to read as if you are reading it the first time. Each paragraph should covey one idea or thought, even if a past tense sentence has to be used to set up a present tense sentence.

Also I would break up the paragraphs you have into much smaller ones. They are much easier to read. That way if you do run into a tense situation (past and present, not the scary type) you can group the past together and keep the present together. Also, moving from one tense to the other generally needs an indicator word that tells the reader that the tense is changing.

For example:
***
John always thought that his step mother was sexy. After all she was closer to his age than his father's. John often wondered if his stepmother was good in bed, of if his father just liked the eye candy hanging on his arm when they went out.

Now John has a full view of the kind of lover his stepmother is as he watches her kiss her way down his father's chest, obviously intending to take his cock into her mouth... (and so on...)
***

Now - is the "indicator word" in that example.

But again, I had no trouble reading though the tenses in the provided paragraphs. It seemed fairly natural to me.

Pay more attention to the paragraph length and the rest will tend to work itself out as you write and review your work.
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