Old 03-21-2016, 01:00 PM   #1
Yman67
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Talking New and Improved Wife

You can read the story here: https://www.literotica.com/s/new-and-improved-wife

I would appreciate your comments - good or critical. I recently tried to resurrect a dead story and I got loads of comments - all bad. If you like this story please tell me why. If you don't like it please tell me why.

I think this is one of my best efforts since I started posting stories here, but then, I'm not objective. All comments greatly appreciated. - Yman67
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Old 03-21-2016, 05:32 PM   #2
NotWise
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I read about half before running out of time. Group isn't my kink, so I won't comment on content.

The writing is predominantly narrative, which is a difficult way to develop characters and usually a difficult way to keep readers' attention. The writing is somewhat repetitive, with some ideas, some phrases and some words appearing multiple times within one or two paragraphs. You also need to add commas and/or full stops to some of your long sentences. I also noticed a few places where your word choice was a little unusual.

The repetitive nature, your use of punctuation and your word selection are things that an editor can help you with.
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Old 03-23-2016, 07:08 PM   #3
hadruprider
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Hmm. I just find this kind of thing very dull and not erotic.
A put his X into B's Y then C sucked D's Z while E stroked A's Y...
There is not much of a story - you pretty much know from the start what kind of thing is going to happen.
But some people love it so that's fine!

Last edited by hadruprider : 03-23-2016 at 07:11 PM.
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Old 03-26-2016, 12:06 AM   #4
GoldenCojones
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Yman67 View Post
You can read the story here: https://www.literotica.com/s/new-and-improved-wife

I would appreciate your comments - good or critical. I recently tried to resurrect a dead story and I got loads of comments - all bad. If you like this story please tell me why. If you don't like it please tell me why.

I think this is one of my best efforts since I started posting stories here, but then, I'm not objective. All comments greatly appreciated. - Yman67
First off, it was a good story and kept me aroused through most of it, which is the object of writing porn, right

There are a few errors that kinda knocked me out of the story a bit. "Finely" instead of "Finally" and " the dogs were feed" instead of " the dogs were fed" Also, all dialog should be in quotes. These were sprinkled throughout the story. They are easy to miss and hard to find, but they do detract from the story.

So lets talk about sentence structure a little. Far too many of your sentences start with either a noun or a pronoun and are simplistic sentences. It gives the story a kind of staccato feel. I did this. She did that. He did something else. You need to vary your sentence structure and length. Others will tell you to avoid the word "and" like the plague. I think this is a mistake. Using "and" occasionally helps you keep from sounding like a third grade student writing a book report. Which this story felt like, way too much.

And then I hit a paragraph with four "and" sentences in a row. You want to avoid that as well. Too many of anything in a row is distracting to the reader.

Repetition. There was a lot of repeated words and phrases in this story. After you finish writing, go back and read the story. If you see the same word or phrase on the page twice, remove / change one of them. It's a good rule of thumb to not be repetitive.

Now about description. You gave the action very well, but ran light in the descriptions. When I read a story like this, half the fun is reading about the sights, sounds, smells, tastes, and feels. This could easily have been a three or four lit page story if you had fleshed it out and it would have been a better story.

So overall. I enjoyed the story. It needed some technical work and some fleshing out but overall it was good.

I hope this helps.
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