Old 02-24-2017, 02:58 AM   #1
netflixandclits
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Underperforming story

Hey everyone!

So recently we posted a story that hasn't done as well as the others (hovering at a 4/4.1-ish rating). We've never broken the 4.5/hall of fame threshold yet, but I did think that this piece would be a comfortable 4.2/3. Would love to hear your comments on what you think can be improved.

Personally, I think it's a combination of a very 'vanilla' premise that's seen quite often (though this story wasn't aspiring to be more) and its short length. I thought that the solid writing might carry it through, but maybe there's room for improvement in that department as well.

Thanks for taking the time to check it out

https://www.literotica.com/s/released-tension

Last edited by netflixandclits : 02-24-2017 at 03:48 AM.
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Old 02-24-2017, 03:31 AM   #2
electricblue66
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Ok, you asked for comment, so I thought I'd give your story a go.

"...smiling cursorily at her friends as she plodded off in the opposite direction..."

You lost me right there, I'm afraid.

Why would I be interested in reading about someone who dismisses her friends like that (so, she's not a nice person, or what?), and plods. Plods?

Not the most promising opener for a woman in an erotic story....
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Old 02-24-2017, 03:47 AM   #3
netflixandclits
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Quote:
Originally Posted by electricblue66 View Post
Ok, you asked for comment, so I thought I'd give your story a go.

"...smiling cursorily at her friends as she plodded off in the opposite direction..."

You lost me right there, I'm afraid.

Why would I be interested in reading about someone who dismisses her friends like that (so, she's not a nice person, or what?), and plods. Plods?

Not the most promising opener for a woman in an erotic story....
Will admit I thought twice about leaving 'plodded' in, but I decided that characters aren't always 'sexy' so she would be too much of a caricature if within the first line she was already strutting her stuff. Agreed though, I should probably find a middle ground with the wording.

As for the character's behaviour, you'll have to get past the first line to understand why she's acting that way! To be fair, you can hardly judge the entire story with just the first line (I'll admit it was a poor opening). Do give it another shot if you're up to it.
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Old 02-24-2017, 07:36 AM   #4
electricblue66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by netflixandclits View Post
To be fair, you can hardly judge the entire story with just the first line (I'll admit it was a poor opening). Do give it another shot if you're up to it.
To be fair, you're right; but man, plodded? Doesn't need to strut her stuff, sure, but "walked away" would have given her the benefit of the doubt. See how I go, I might be more generous if I make it through to the end

Later: I tried... but your second para is a dreaded info dump, and then there's a description of a massage parlour flyer and I'm a couple of hundred words in and I'm being told stuff in a mechanical kind of way. I want to go to the uninteresting party now, because that's got to better than this girl's story.

Sorry guys, but your self-diagnosis is accurate. Your story is underperforming because it's pretty ordinary. An undergrad gets a massage and two guys get their rocks off, wow. She comes across like a piece of meat because that's how the two guys treat her - that was borderline disturbing, to be honest.

Dig deeper for emotion, is my suggestion, and for a little vignette like this maybe find a scenario that isn't a cliche. Sex can be vanilla, sure, but some little sprinkles and a bit of chocolate topping make it more interesting. Someone buying a cake mix in a supermarket could be made more erotic than this one. Just picture Ivana skipping up and down the aisle in her little shorty shorts, buying cream and a chocolate cake mix, and the boy stacking shelves is oh so cute, and look, he's watching her bend down to the bottom shelf....

Write another story, the next one will work better, and the one after that, even better. Don't sweat this one. Find the chocolate topping.
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Old 02-24-2017, 08:03 AM   #5
Nezhul
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Well I may be an odd-ball here, but I like to see a story. A plot, character development. I want to feel their personalities before they fuck.
In shorter stories like you posted, that's hardly ever achievable. I would instantly stop reading a story where sex happens right away, even if said sex is good. But I would adore a story that spends 10 000 words hinting, teasing the eventual sex scene, but delaying it, letting me absorb the characters.

I have read erotic stories where sex scenes took a small paragraph to describe, just telling you that the characters fucked. Sex was like 1% of the entire text, but they were still erotic because of the chemistry, the build-up, the subtle seduction and foreplay that preceded the sex.

Any good erotic novel will spend at least a chapter on establishing the setting, the heroes, the atmosphere. I've recently discovered Amazon's erotic book section for myself, and I don't even buy most books because the character I don't care about is shoved into a sex situation right from the start.

For me, literature is not porn, where you have enough emotional stimulation through visuals - body language, facial expressions and so on. It needs to develop the characters, to allow the mental image to form in my bead. When they start to fuck right away, it's just so mechanical for me that I may as well read the description of a car engine working. It stops being sexy, because the mere mention of breasts and cocks doesn't create passionate sex between two people.

That's my thoughts on short stories. Don't be afraid to include completely unrelated to sex scenes like shopping, hanging out with friends, having a normal start of the day (waking up / shower / breakfast / going to work). Express how the character feels about the normal situations, and it makes it so much better when he/she finally gets to have sex.
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Old 02-24-2017, 12:28 PM   #6
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Plot, character, setting can all start within a sex scene that opens a story. There isn't one formula pattern for a story that's some sort of golden pill with "the reader" (whoever that is).
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