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Old 01-24-2013, 05:42 AM   #1
Oblivius
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Feedback: Steve vs Claire

Story: Steve vs Claire
Author: Oblivius
Genre: Sci-Fi & Fantasy
Story: A shy young man drinks a pill that changes him into a girl. He goes to the swimming pool to peek, but instead experiences sex as a girl, with a girl.

http://www.literotica.com/s/steve-vs-claire

My first story I have posted. Would be great to get some feedback on this by more experienced writers and hear what you think so far. Would especially want some feedback on the pacing of the story. Do I go too fast, with too little descriptions, or is it fine as it is?

Added note: I wrote this story open ended so I can extent this story if inspiration hits me, that is why I added Rebecca and Maria.

Last edited by Oblivius : 01-24-2013 at 06:30 AM. Reason: Forgot the quick summary of story
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Old 01-24-2013, 05:18 PM   #2
Bramblethorn
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oblivius View Post
My first story I have posted. Would be great to get some feedback on this by more experienced writers and hear what you think so far. Would especially want some feedback on the pacing of the story. Do I go too fast, with too little descriptions, or is it fine as it is?
I thought the pacing was generally okay, but could have done with a bit more background on the wonder drug.

A few comments:

There are several spelling/grammar/word choice mistakes, eg "momentary" for "momentarily", "mayor shopping" for ??. It looks as if you've run a spellchecker, but you need a human editor to pick these things up. Also need to be more consistent in how you're using commas.

The sentence structure is very repetitive. You have five sentences in the first paragraph, and four of them follow the same construction: Snoring, she lay. Yawning, she woke. Rubbing her eyes, she rose. Scratching, she glanced at herself. It's a perfectly good way to write a sentence but don't overuse it.

Inconsistent tenses, e.g. "The girl looking back at him was not a curvaceous sex goddess, but the handful tits and firm ass are good enough for what Steve has planned... " - if you're writing in past tense, this should be "were good enough". Similar issues in several other places e.g.: "he slips on a thong... The thong felt weird".

"Than" vs "then" - make sure you know the difference.

Quote:
"Al right, I did it!" she squealed, jumping up and down and attempted a hula dance just for the heck of it. Returning his hands to his breasts he squeezed, scared that it will go away.
The shift from "she" to "he" is confusing. It reads as if there are two people in the room, especially with the spelling error at the start that makes it sound as if she's talking to a guy called Al. You need a better way to introduce the information that "she" was recently "he".

Quote:
"Big Matilda sure is brutal, don't you think?"

"Big who?"

"The instructor, Maria. We call her that, since... well, you know."
Huh? Why are they calling her Matilda if her name's Maria?
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:10 AM   #3
Oblivius
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Thank you bramblethorn for your input. This is exactly what I needed and most of these points are things that I had a feeling I have to work on.

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The sentence structure is very repetitive.
Point taken. I will try to vary the lengths and structure of the sentences.

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Originally Posted by Bramblethorn View Post
Huh? Why are they calling her Matilda if her name's Maria?
I was unhappy with this from the start. Should've followed my gut feeling.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bramblethorn View Post
The shift from "she" to "he" is confusing. It reads as if there are two people in the room, especially with the spelling error at the start that makes it sound as if she's talking to a guy called Al. You need a better way to introduce the information that "she" was recently "he".
I wanted to drag out the moment of confusion, but resolved the confusion in the same paragraph. On hind sight I should've changed "she squealed" to "the girl squealed".


The rest are issues of being too eager to post my work before I let the story rest for a few days and then properly proofread it.
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Old 01-25-2013, 09:22 AM   #4
YDB95
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Great story idea, and I did enjoy it, but you definitely need to use an editor. Tense was a big problem: you bounced back and forth from present to past again and again. I think the story would have benefited from more detail early on, not necessarily how the drug worked so much as Steve's initial reaction to its success. If I woke up tomorrow morning and discovered I was a woman, I'd spend a LOT of time exploring and admiring my new body. The very cursory way he reacts...I don't know, it strained credibility.

Still a great story overall. Keep it up!
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Old 01-25-2013, 11:51 AM   #5
Oblivius
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I grabbed an textbook, to practice my grammar a bit. I probably need an editor for some of my future stories until my grammar improves, but I can't rely on editors forever and need the grammar to become independent.

Last edited by Oblivius : 01-25-2013 at 12:18 PM.
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Old 01-25-2013, 12:33 PM   #6
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A grammar textbook doesn't cover creative writing issues like changes of tense, use of voice, pacing, the differences of what you can do in narration and dialogue, or consistency. You're going to need either experience with an editor or a lot more read and absorbed books on your bookshelf than a grammar guide.
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Last edited by sr71plt : 01-25-2013 at 12:39 PM.
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Old 01-25-2013, 01:17 PM   #7
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I noticed a few grammar errors and typos.

Beyond that, I thought that the sex scene was fairly well done. I didn't get any impression for what "steve" felt physically in his body as they got it on. That's something I would kind of expect for a scene like this.

Also, in my mind, this an anime. For some reason, everything about this stories makes me think of anime.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:02 PM   #8
Oblivius
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
A grammar textbook doesn't cover creative writing issues like changes of tense, use of voice, pacing, the differences of what you can do in narration and dialogue, or consistency. You're going to need either experience with an editor or a lot more read and absorbed books on your bookshelf than a grammar guide.
I've read a few books the past few years. The fastest way I can think of improving my writing is practice, check grammar, practice and some helpful feedback from people like I got in this thread. My problem is most likely that English isn't my first language, nor my second language, but my third language. I only speak English once a month, probably.

Like I said in the story, this is my first attempt at writing a story and I'm actually proud that I managed to rack up a score of 4.30. I'm convinced that my writing will improve a lot in the next few attempts, so lets just see how it goes.

Quote:
I didn't get any impression for what "steve" felt physically in his body as they got it on. That's something I would kind of expect for a scene like this.
As a guy I do not really know how sex feels for a girl. So it was hard to try explain how it feels. My fault as an author that I did not write it well enough? Probably. Give me those pills in the story so I can experience sex as a woman first hand, then I will gloriously spill it into my stories.

Quote:
Also, in my mind, this an anime. For some reason, everything about this stories makes me think of anime.
LOL! I have no idea how you came to this conclusion. The style of the story is western. But male in female's body stories haven't been thoroughly explored yet in western literature like it already is in Anime/Hentai and that could be a reason why you got such an impression.
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Old 01-25-2013, 02:06 PM   #9
sr71plt
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First, you are falsely attributing quotes to me.

My post was to point out that much of what folks have commented on your story here isn't going to be helped by just reading grammar books, which is what your post indicated you thought would take care of it.
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