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Old 12-20-2012, 06:16 PM   #1
southern_gal
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What do you miss the most and how do you cope?

To all the Litizens who have spouses or partners that work away from home, what do you miss the most about them when they are not there with you? Is it their voice? Their smile or laugh? Maybe their way of making things better just by being around? The sex? Mine works in the gulf and is gone for weeks at a time and I have found that it is simply his touch. Ever gone a few weeks without even a hug and you find yourself just wanting some arms around you? I have and still do. We usually even watch tv sitting together on a loveseat so we are never far apart when he is home. How do you deal with the extended time apart and has it made your bond stronger or caused problems? Hoping everyone has their loved one with them for the holidays.

Last edited by southern_gal : 12-20-2012 at 06:19 PM.
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Old 12-26-2012, 07:58 PM   #2
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This is a good question. I'm surprised that no one has commented.

I suppose if this was expanded to ask about "...a few weeks without even a hug and you find yourself just wanting some arms around you?" then I'd try to say something.

Something like Jim Beam. *sigh*
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Old 12-27-2012, 01:09 AM   #3
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Am surprised on the lack of responses. I know this isnt a unique issue just to urself. Many suffer this as well. Seems like a number i know put a show of a tough face and move foward. I'm a single guy so havent gone through this. Always been single and lacking the touch of others.

The only advice i can offer is hold on to the memories, think fondly of him away, phone/email, and celebrate his return.
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Old 12-27-2012, 01:25 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by box13 View Post
This is a good question. I'm surprised that no one has commented.

I suppose if this was expanded to ask about "...a few weeks without even a hug and you find yourself just wanting some arms around you?" then I'd try to say something.

Something like Jim Beam. *sigh*
I'm also surprised noone has commented on this.

But it doesn't have to be someone that works away from home. (I know thats what you are asking). The title says it best What do you miss the most and how do you cope?


It could be a hug from a special someone,or a kiss,a touch,sex,alone time without any kids,and yes even having some Jim Beam with that special someone.

My wife and I have opposite schedules. She works days and i work nights. And it's not often we get the same day off. This time of year i'm working 50-60 hours so we really don't see each other much,except for maybe couple hours when i get home,but there have been times when she can't stay up for me to get home. Cause i get home late and she has to get up really early.And we will literaly not see each other for days.

It's not easy and it will test you at times. If he can have him send you texts or try to skype or have him leave you some letters or videos when he is at home that you can only open on certain days when he is away. But if anything...make the most of the time you are with him.

Sorry for rambling but back to the question at hand.

I miss being there with my wife/for my wife when she needs/needed me the most and for that i can't say sorry enough. I should've been/should be there for you.
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Old 12-27-2012, 02:04 AM   #5
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I'm in a long-distance relationship. Mentally, I know that we only get to see each other about once every two months, but we keep in touch with each other daily via text, phone or Skype. Most times we talk about what's going on in our everyday lives. I think the hardest part is as soon as one of us has a plane ticket booked and the countdown ... and anticipation ... is on! But would I prefer that we live closer? Absolutely, but I've never been with a man with whom we share so much in common, have personalities that are so in sync, and the sex ... idyllic and worth the wait. Have I ever been tempted to find someone closer to home? Yes, but no one comes close to the man he is.
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Old 12-27-2012, 08:21 AM   #6
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Thanks all for the wonderful responses. Some stated that they were surprised that there had been no responses. I actually took some pleasure to the lack of responses. I took it to mean that most of the folks on here did not have to cope with what a few of us do. It was by choice that my husband took a job offshore several months ago and there are benefits to be certain. I am now wondering if it is worth it. I am lonely a lot and I never used to be. I cry sometimes but for the most part I remind myself how fortunate I/we are. To those that have given me their time and thoughts thru responding, my heart truly goes out to you all as well as a great big hug. Maybe it is the holiday season that makes things worse, dunno. I do know that his crew will finally be leaving for home this evening after delays for a few days. I do hope all have a truly wonderful New Years holiday.
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Old 12-28-2012, 04:16 PM   #7
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My GF works abroad a lot. I have a lady friend who I see once a week who is in the same situation (hubby works in an oil rig off Scotland). Even though it wrecks my mind and it drives my heart strings crazy, sex with someone else special is the only thing which keeps me sane. When I meet my GF I try to just block out the contact with my "lady friend" and enjoy the time together.
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Old 12-28-2012, 06:07 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IrishFun69 View Post
My GF works abroad a lot. I have a lady friend who I see once a week who is in the same situation (hubby works in an oil rig off Scotland). Even though it wrecks my mind and it drives my heart strings crazy, sex with someone else special is the only thing which keeps me sane. When I meet my GF I try to just block out the contact with my "lady friend" and enjoy the time together.
Tho I certainly understand the temptation, I personally could not have another lover unless my husband knew about it. He has told me several times that he would not have a problem with me having a fem lover (something I have wanted to try for literally years) but a regular male lover would not go over as well. It is difficult to go without for long periods so I empathize with you.
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Old 12-28-2012, 06:13 PM   #9
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Tho I certainly understand the temptation, I personally could not have another lover unless my husband knew about it. He has told me several times that he would not have a problem with me having a fem lover (something I have wanted to try for literally years) but a regular male lover would not go over as well. It is difficult to go without for long periods so I empathize with you.
Thanks. Well I told my GF that she can always let me know if it is too much for us to be apart this long. I also hinted that I would be ok with a fem lover (she told me she kissed a few girls in night clubs and liked it) but I think it spooked her when I mentioned maybe I could join in or at least watch. So I guess that's that idea down the toilet.
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Old 12-28-2012, 06:25 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by IrishFun69 View Post
Thanks. Well I told my GF that she can always let me know if it is too much for us to be apart this long. I also hinted that I would be ok with a fem lover (she told me she kissed a few girls in night clubs and liked it) but I think it spooked her when I mentioned maybe I could join in or at least watch. So I guess that's that idea down the toilet.
The watching part.....to be honest.....is kinda creepy. If I could be with another woman for an evening, I doubt sex would even be part of the equation so there might not be a lot to see that would excite you. For me, I would be on cloud 9 just cuddling and kissing and touching. But to do that with an audience........ don't think I would be comfortable at all.
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Old 12-28-2012, 06:29 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by southern_gal View Post
If I could be with another woman for an evening, I doubt sex would even be part of the equation so there might not be a lot to see that would excite you. For me, I would be on cloud 9 just cuddling and kissing and touching. But to do that with an audience........ don't think I would be comfortable at all.
To each their own Kissing and cuddling means v little to me!!

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Old 01-05-2013, 07:22 PM   #12
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so...not exactly

Had a great post...thought I had the answer to this, then I read what I wrote and said to myself, "why do you want to depress people who read this post?"
So I erased it all...suffice it to say I cope by dreaming.
(And if anyone is in SE OH or WV needs a hug, hmu)
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Old 01-05-2013, 07:54 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by southern_gal View Post
To all the Litizens who have spouses or partners that work away from home, what do you miss the most about them when they are not there with you? Is it their voice? Their smile or laugh? Maybe their way of making things better just by being around? The sex? Mine works in the gulf and is gone for weeks at a time and I have found that it is simply his touch. Ever gone a few weeks without even a hug and you find yourself just wanting some arms around you? I have and still do. We usually even watch tv sitting together on a loveseat so we are never far apart when he is home. How do you deal with the extended time apart and has it made your bond stronger or caused problems? Hoping everyone has their loved one with them for the holidays.
I'm in a poly situation: I live with my partner of 14 years, but I also have a lover who lives overseas. She came to visit in mid-2011, which was lovely, but that's the last time we were together.

There are a lot of things I miss, but the one that's hardest to deal with is not being able to look after her. She's not well off, and she has a lot of pressures on her; if she lived near to us we'd be able to look after her, make sure she's eating enough, and so on. So we worry a lot about her.
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Old 01-05-2013, 08:50 PM   #14
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Funny, someone reminded me of something from my own past that I never thought about being similar. My first 4 years of working I worked nights, second shift (technically 3-11 but more like 2-2 or 3am most nights) and my then GF, now wife, worked days, so we never really saw each other during the week, and on the weekend because I was on a different body clock it limited our time together. We kept the flame going (this is long before even cell phones were common, IM, etc) by talking on the phone as much as possible, and leaving notes for each other and such.

This was at a time (mid 80's) when BBS's ruled (I thought I was king pimp, had a 2400 BPS modem) and the first online services, like Compuserv, were online (expensive as hell, too...). I spent a lot of time on them, lot of fantasy sex and so forth, which got me into some bad habits when we had real life time together. I have to admit, sometimes it almost seemed like my relationship was almost a theory, given the different schedules, and especially when I was working 7 days a week at times; even though on weekends I worked days, I was so tired that our time together was difficult. Part of what I remember was when I was on my own, focusing on the time we did have together, remembering what we did and so forth, and also trying to remember why we were separated (working second shift sucked, but doing what I did set the template for the rest of my career to date, so I can't look at it with any kind of bitterness).

I think if I as separated, I would use every tool available to keep close, skype, IM, phone, having cybersex with her and so forth. Realistically, if it was extended periods, I also suspect with the person I am now, I would be torn, part of me, the sophisticated person, would be okay with her having fun sexually with others, but another part would be so afraid of her finding someone to replace me, that because I was away , it would allow her to fall in love with someone else, if she did, I think it would have to be people I knew and trusted not to betray me, but then again, sometimes shit just happens......

A tool I did use was to realize that this wouldn't be going on forever, that my working nights would likely end when/if I moved to another job or if the nature of my then current job changed, or if I worked overseas for any length of time, either it would be for a limited time, or I would find a way to have my mate join me.
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:23 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Widow_C View Post
Had a great post...thought I had the answer to this, then I read what I wrote and said to myself, "why do you want to depress people who read this post?"
So I erased it all...suffice it to say I cope by dreaming.
(And if anyone is in SE OH or WV needs a hug, hmu)
I would not worry about depressing anyone. Some of us gather strength from reading that others have gone thru what we are dealing with or may be dealing with soon. I am the queen of the day dream. With sometimes weeks to fill I find lots of ways to pass the time and not dwell on something I can do little about, but new ideas are always welcome. Thanks for reading and posting.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Bramblethorn View Post
I'm in a poly situation: I live with my partner of 14 years, but I also have a lover who lives overseas. She came to visit in mid-2011, which was lovely, but that's the last time we were together.

There are a lot of things I miss, but the one that's hardest to deal with is not being able to look after her. She's not well off, and she has a lot of pressures on her; if she lived near to us we'd be able to look after her, make sure she's eating enough, and so on. So we worry a lot about her.
My sympathies to you and her. My situation is a bed of roses compared to what you are dealing with. I often remind myself that he is doing what he truly loves to do and makes a good living doing it so this sacrifice in the short term will be worth it. I hope your situation gets better soon for the both of you.
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:28 PM   #16
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njlauren you touched on many good points and a couple that go thru my mind most every day. The one about allowing her to have fun sexually away from you almost never leaves my mind. My husband will most certainly NOT be having sex on the job (trust me ) but he has told me on more than one occasion that he would have no problems if I found a fem playmate. I want to but the ever present - will I get attached to her - question bothers me enough to keep me from following thru with it. Ok truthfully there are a few more reasons but that one sort of keeps the lid on the jar so to speak. Thank you for the wonderful insights.
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:32 PM   #17
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I've spent close to fifty percent of my adult life working "on the road", everything thing from frequent short trips to long term situations in the field. When I've been in the field and in a monogamous relationship, technology has been the key to keeping the relationships solid - call, write, email, text, video chat, all of the above and frequently. Video chat in all its forms has, for me, completely revolutionized long distance relationships - you can simply get a video camera with remote pan and tilt, stick in on your laptop, and your other can log in at any time and see what you're up to, including just watching you sleep - either just peek in, or talk. It's an amazing thing. That said, the thing I always find myself missing most when apart is the simplest of things - I miss eating breakfast with the other. Breakfast, for me, has always been the most intimate and ungaurded time - and it is in those moments that relationship bonds are forged and kept strong. Lose breakfast, lose the relationship. Fortunately, now, with room service and Facetime, you're there for breakfast, wherever you are.
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:54 PM   #18
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Paul that last part gets me right where I live. I love to cook and among my favorite things to do is make him breakfast. My husband is blessed with a metabolism that allows him to eat like an elephant and not look like one. Damn him. I miss making him all sorts of things and it is impossible to really cook full meals for one. I tend to take lots of things to a couple of neighbors. It is amazing what all we (or at least, I) can take for granted. I try to remind myself constantly that there are others that must deal with situations far worse than ours. Thanks for posting and we are learning the art if using some of the tech ideas you mentioned.
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Old 01-06-2013, 03:57 PM   #19
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I took a fishing job at sea, far far away from home. I did not have cell phone service. It was hard to be away so long... we coped by writing lots of letters. I would have opportunities to call and use the internet (if I was lucky) in between fishing trips (a few times a month), but it always seemed like it made things worse to be reminded of what I was missing. I also coped by masturbating... not too easy in a tiny room on a boat shared with lots of men.
Ultimately it was very good for us. Shortly after we got married. It was good to see what life was like without the other, and how much it sucked. And we each became more independent.
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Old 01-06-2013, 04:06 PM   #20
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We just finished our second year of this long distance stuff and it gets better but not easier if that makes sense. EM you made me grin widely at the thought of a man trying to masturbate on a fishing boat. Hubs works on an offshore oil rig and they have very little privacy so I know what he deals with. We do get to talk to each other often and that helps. The little things that we notice that we miss are sometimes as difficult to get over as the big ones. The issue of no sex is a difficult one to get past. Just part of it I guess.
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Old 01-06-2013, 05:20 PM   #21
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Every boat I was on had porno mags in the bathroom. I'm not sure it if it was harder for them, or for me, being the only woman on board! Did not really want to get caught.
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Old 01-06-2013, 05:50 PM   #22
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In my time with being on different schedules, it was the small things that mattered so much, it was the touch, it was talking to my wife closely, it was touching, it was so much, that even with technology would be somewhat lacking (though better then what we had before all this was around). I think we don't realize all the little things because they are so ubiquitous, we don't realize about them until they aren't there.

SG, I think if you have been handling this for two years and still find yourself in love, close to your H, it would take a lot to break that away (just my opinion). My experience with people going outside is that even though the people were in close proximity, they lacked that intimacy with each other, they didn't make that effort and the ones where it caused problems in the marriage were ones where the couple assumed too much, had assumed too much, and didn't realize what was missing. Not telling you to try going outside, just saying that part of the key to keeping an outside relationship IMO from causing a problem is having your focus on your husband. Even if you found another gal, I suspect in your mind you will always have your husband in the forefront, and I think that is what would project you, since you already seem to do that. I know from my own marriage that the times when things were troubled, it was because we had taken each other for granted, forgotten who we were, buried in our other roles (work, being a mom for my wife, being a son/brother to my family of origin, getting things done that had to be done), and had either of had gone outside, I wonder what would have happened.

Again, not saying you should do it or not do it, only you will know if that is right, but my sense from reading your posts is you are so centered around your H, and cognizant of what you have, that to me it would be unlikely you would have that kind of issue. My only recommendation would be if you ever do try going outside, that if you find it where the new person comes before hubby in your thoughts, you use your own version of safeword and end it. Don't denigrate yourself for thinking things through, hesitating, you know yourself better then anyone else, and if your gut is saying no, respect it, I have learned over time and from fantasic books like "Blink!", that our guts are pretty good guides most of the time
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Old 01-06-2013, 05:53 PM   #23
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Every boat I was on had porno mags in the bathroom. I'm not sure it if it was harder for them, or for me, being the only woman on board! Did not really want to get caught.
That sounds like a story, might make a good Hollywood Epic "The perfect storm", whose description would read "How I learned to share a fishing boat with a crew of guys, too much porn, not enough sex and knowing the toilet seat would never be down and not go crazy or kill someone"...(sadly, though, the title was already taken *lol*). . Seriously, you should think of writing a book, could be a good one
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Old 02-03-2013, 01:55 PM   #24
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Updated Question

I have not been around for a few weeks and am finally back to normal. This past time that my husband left will be for an extended time and I have done a lot of thinking these past weeks. Have you ever been mad at someone for doing what they must do even tho you knew you had no right to be mad? How about crying because they are not around yet being mad at them at the same time? Or maybe sitting around and feeling so horny you could literally almost climb the walls yet if your partner walked in at that moment you'd be so conflicted with emotions about them being gone that the last thing you'd do is give them sex? See what I have been dealing with? I am being selfish but aren't we allowed that sometimes? I have decided that there are many things I am willing to sacrifice in order for him not to have to do what he does if it means I am not alone all the time anymore. Problem is he loves his job and I hate it now. What the hell am I to do? I am a mess.
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Old 02-03-2013, 05:13 PM   #25
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Southern_gal, I have never been in this situation so don't have any knowledge to draw on to offer you any advice. I just wanted to give you a *hug*. I can't imagine how difficult this situation would be.
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