Struggling with body image. Do you have any physical "dealbreakers"?

[FarrahMoans]

Hello! This is a re-post of my thread from the Playground, here. A kind responder told me I might have better luck on this board, so I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts

This is something that I find hard to talk about, and I thought that this might be a good place to go for some serious and brutally honest feedback. I am most interested in hearing from men but would like to know what women's thoughts are, as well.

I think I have a pretty realistic perception of myself. I am late twenties and decently attractive. I don't have issues getting attention from most men that I am interested in. I'm a size 12-14, so on the bigger side, but I have a good shape and can find plenty of people who don't mind a little extra T&A, heh. Clothes on, I'd say I'm a 7, maybe a 7.5 if I put in the effort. I'm also smart, fun, kind and a little bit fucking awesome. I know looks aren't the most important thing around, but I'm realistic. They count.

I said "clothes on" because I gained and lost a lot of weight about a year and a half ago in a short amount of time. That is what it is. I worked hard to lose it and I am proud of myself. I still work out and eat well. I am healthy and happy. BUT, it took its toll on my body. I have some stretch marks and loose skin on my stomach, but I'm most self-conscious about my breasts. Unfortunately, I lost a lot of weight in the chest. They're saggy and soft and generally look a little deflated. Not "flapjack titties" but they're definitely not anywhere close to being big, firm, juicy peaches, either.

This has made sex really difficult for me. I can look at my body on my own and feel sexy. I'm not the typical beauty, but my battle scars tell the story of my life and my strength. However, when I am with a partner, I am completely overcome with anxiety that they don't find me attractive, and nobody wants to be thinking about that during sex. They pick up on my insecurity and it makes it worse for everyone. I end up feeling guilty for my body.

I have a hard time when relationships do become sexual because I dread taking my clothes off for the first time, as though I should warn them, as though I've been deceiving them by wearing a miracle-working pushup bra. It's not a nice way to feel, but I'm not sure how to fix it.

So, my questions are:

1) Are body flaws like scars, stretch marks, loose skin, etc a turn off for you? How important is it for you in a romantic partner?

2) Is this a conversation I should be having with my sexual partners beforehand? How does one even approach this topic?

If you got a girl in the bedroom and she turned out to have a body with some wear and tear like mine, how would you react? Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I'm here for honesty.

Thanks

[silverwhisper]

farrah, you're definitely in the right place. :>

1. no, that's not a deal breaker. you may not look the way you want, but you look good enough to attract the guys that interest you. they aren't expecting you too look like an 18 year old. some things will never quiet that voice of self-doubt, i know, but when you come right down to it, the kinds of guys that would have a problem aren't worth worrying about.

2. no, i don't recommend talking about it beforehand. crippling self-doubt is the unsexiest possible quality there is, IMHO. like i said above, men who are sufficiently superficial as to have a problem with your appearance aren't the kinds of men you want to be intimate with anyway.

so please, stop doubting yourself.

ed

[soflabbwlvr]

Farrah-

You asked for honesty, so I'm going to give it to you. To answer your topic question, the only physical deal breaker for me is reaching into her pants and finding a dick where there is supposed to be a pussy. Don't laugh, that kind of stuff really does happen. Usually there is too much alcohol involved, but I've heard stories.

Getting to the meat of your question. Yes, there are some men who would be turned off by stretch marks, sagging boobs, loose skin, scarring, etc. To be perfectly honest, there are some men who could be turned off by any physical imperfection, no matter how slight or unnoticeable. I used to listen to the Howard Stern Show when women hoping to pose for Playboy would go to the studio to be evaluated on air. Anyone who weighed more than 110 lbs. and had any shape at all was picked apart and made out to be a cow. The standards were unreasonable and ridiculous, but there are men who do feel that way. Most men, however, do not.

I don't know your age or the age of the men you are dating, but generally speaking, younger men tend to be more particular about those sorts of things and older men are less concerned. Why? Because as time goes by men learn that physical perfection is a slippery concept of dubious importance.

The good news for you is that men such as me who are attracted to women such as you know in advance that larger women (and some smaller women) have the types of flaws that you described and long ago decided they aren't important. We know what you have been through. We don't expect you to emerge from life unscathed. No man who is interested enough get naked with you is going to complain of false advertising or be disappointed by the fact that you bear life's scars on your skin. We want you completely naked, with the lights on, in all your uninhibited glory. Don't be shy. There is nothing hotter than a sexy big girl.

[DrHappy]

The guys are getting older too, which also means that the other girls they are seeing are getting older as well. If you've reached the point of considering sex with each other, trust me, he's already been thinking about what you look like naked, and he already has a good idea. Healthy and happy are desirable traits, and it sounds like your body is pretty healthy. All women (and men) have superficial "features" of life that some consider to be imperfections.

I agree with both points mentioned Silverwhisper.

[MaxM1991]

I love girls like you with curves and its a major turn on that your a real woman. I love boobs that bounce and all that soft skin. You're awesome and don't forget it.

[Eilan]

Originally Posted by MaxM1991

I love girls like you with curves and its a major turn on that your a real woman. I love boobs that bounce and all that soft skin. You're awesome and don't forget it.

Okay. I wasn't going to weigh in on this thread, but this is bullshit.

Look, men. You need to learn that while it's definitely okay for you to have physical preferences, it's not okay for you to body snark on women who don't fit your physical ideal. In other words, a woman who isn't as curvy as you'd like is no less a "real" woman than women who are morbidly obese, extremely thin, or more muscular than average.

FarrahMoans, you don't need to seek validation from random Internet leg-humpers. Most of the men who will respond to this thread are so desperate for attention from a female-sounding username that they'll say what they think you want to hear on the off-chance that they'll be able to get into your cyber-panties. Focus on being the best, healthiest "you" that you can be, no matter what size you happen to be.

[pplwatching]

Originally Posted by Eilan

Okay. I wasn't going to weigh in on this thread, but this is bullshit.

Look, men. You need to learn that while it's definitely okay for you to have physical preferences, it's not okay for you to body snark on women who don't fit your physical ideal. In other words, a woman who isn't as curvy as you'd like is no less a "real" woman than women who are morbidly obese, extremely thin, or more muscular than average.

I think this response was uncalled for. He didn't say she was real because she fit his ideal. The way I see it, she's the one who said she was a real woman for reasons other than her shape.

Originally Posted by FarrahMoans

I'm also smart, fun, kind and a little bit fucking awesome

Women who are decent people, have self confidence, and make an effort to take care of themselves are sexy and attractive. It shows and men notice it. Women who focus on nothing but their looks, at the expense of personal development are no less real but are considerably less attractive to some of us.

[pplwatching]

Farrah,

When I met my wife she had a perfect body. Not perfect in the porn world sense, but in the sense that her body was hers and it turned me on. She had scars from surgery, a little extra weight here, a little sag there, but all of that didn't matter. Her self confidence made her all the more sexy. I loved the way she felt when we were naked together, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Now after nursing two kids, a hysterectomy, a knee injury, and everything else life throws at all of us she's even more sexy. Sex has gotten so much better. When she comes out of the shower naked I still watch her dress because she still has a perfect body. She's not 18. Kids, gravity, and too many beers with me have taken their toll, but she's still perfect.

From a guy who has no interest in your panties, cyber or otherwise, you sound like a great gal. Men see that and find you attractive. Enjoy who you are and don't worry about the little things. I don't know what kind of relationship you're looking for, but any guy who is seeing just your skin isn't worth your time anyway. A man who sees the fire in your eyes and is overcome with passion will let you know. Trust me, life is going to change your body. Real men know that and will love you all the more for it.

All the best

[MaxM1991]

Originally Posted by pplwatching

Farrah,

When I met my wife she had a perfect body. Not perfect in the porn world sense, but in the sense that her body was hers and it turned me on. She had scars from surgery, a little extra weight here, a little sag there, but all of that didn't matter. Her self confidence made her all the more sexy. I loved the way she felt when we were naked together, physically, mentally, and spiritually.

Now after nursing two kids, a hysterectomy, a knee injury, and everything else life throws at all of us she's even more sexy. Sex has gotten so much better. When she comes out of the shower naked I still watch her dress because she still has a perfect body. She's not 18. Kids, gravity, and too many beers with me have taken their toll, but she's still perfect.

From a guy who has no interest in your panties, cyber or otherwise, you sound like a great gal. Men see that and find you attractive. Enjoy who you are and don't worry about the little things. I don't know what kind of relationship you're looking for, but any guy who is seeing just your skin isn't worth your time anyway. A man who sees the fire in your eyes and is overcome with passion will let you know. Trust me, life is going to change your body. Real men know that and will love you all the more for it.

All the best

Ditto. F' that other twit

[julius_1975ct]

I love BBWs my wife has curves, as u can see in the pix below, and they mostly come from child bearing... which is so sexy for me

[mike2010fc]

I still dream about a girl I was with in my early twenties, she was 6' tall and very thin, so she had bad stretch marks from pregnancy. But she will always be one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen, known or loved. Men sometimes see things differently than women, so something that might bother you, might not even occur to us.

So I think the difficult part will be accepting love from a guy who tells you that you are beautiful. Or to put it another way, maybe self-criticism is a defense mechanism that allows you to keep from getting too close to a guy. I'm totally guilty of it, in fact I'm finding that it's a huge part of my sexuality, which is why I bring it up. I wish that I could trust and stop over-analyzing everything and just allow myself to fall in love.

Mike

[cwaltz]

Farrah -

As a female, scars are a turnon for me. It can be small or huge, physical or emotional...I think like you said...it shows what you've been through in life. Things like loose skin or other blemishes don't bother me...I actually think I welcome them in a way.

If you feel sexy on your own, others will see that about you. If guys already find you attractive, what's the worry? Honestly, I think most guys don't notice all the imperfections we notice and nothing is a bigger turnoff than a girl who constantly worries about how she looks. I would be turned off by a guy who cared too much about his appearance as well.

I wouldn't broach the subject unless it really bothered you, but if the guy tells you he still finds you sexy despite it all, your concerns would be addressed right? I know that sounds too simplistic but I hope you are able to get over the anxiety. If he looks at you with adoring eyes, don't question it. Just enjoy it.

And pplwatching...I've seen your posts around, and always wanted to say your posts are always thoughtful and insightful. Wish more husbands/boyfriends were like you.

[RuReal]

Originally Posted by pplwatching

I think this response was uncalled for. He didn't say she was real because she fit his ideal. The way I see it, she's the one who said she was a real woman for reasons other than her shape.



Women who are decent people, have self confidence, and make an effort to take care of themselves are sexy and attractive. It shows and men notice it. Women who focus on nothing but their looks, at the expense of personal development are no less real but are considerably less attractive to some of us.

To the OP. As we get older our bodies change. My wife had stretch marks around her breasts when we met due to how she developed. Almost everyone has something I think the issue is the image portrayed on TV with air brushed people.

I am pretty sure your body is wonderful and people enjoy it well.

I agree with Eilan this shit has to stop. MaxM1991 should not have made the Real women comment and it is sad that you don't get that pplwatching. It is called body shaming. We need to stop tolerating shit like that. You can say you appreciate a certain thing or a certain way that people look what you cannot do is backhand something else when you do it. He is implying that other women who do not look like his preference are not real women. He needs to pick his words better that is about it.

I am going to leave that alone, but really people need to know better than that.

[408w]

My opinion,
I'm a pretty good looking guy myself and can get some attention but I also have a physical quirk, some people take seconds to notice some have gone months and with out noticing but I have learned that those who judge or discriminate you can go screw themselves, there are plenty of people who will like you how you are and some will even have a small fetish!!

I was always insecure but now that I look back I see all te mistakes I made chances I didn't take for being in fear only to realize I was punishing myself for something I couldn't change

So to sun it up your great the way you are and be proud!!

[pplwatching]

.....

[C2W]

Since I myself am neither an Adonis nor some cut and rippled hard body, to me the only dealbreakers as you say are when women don't keep up on keeping their body odors in check and thats it for me.

[haurni]

I agree wholeheartedly with the general mood of this thread. Most people do not fit the societal ideal of 'beauty' and it's a shame that so many people buy into it. My gf is 5'0" and 200 lbs and I think she's beautiful. I myself am 6'1" and 280 lbs and I have my own scars, stretch marks and rolls, but she finds me sexy too (or so she tells me ). She and I have talked about our body image hang ups, but it's probably not something you should unload on a first date. If you feel sexy then you will be sexy, and a man who wants to be with you will let you know that he sees that and will affirm it. If he doesn't, then he won't, and why would you sleep with someone who doesn't find you attractive? Frankly, any man who judges you because you don't stand up to some glossy synthetic manufactured stereotype is probably not worth having anyway.

Dealbreakers would be body odour, persistent bad breath or poor hygiene. And maybe excessive flatulence. (interesting how most of those have to do with smell, not vision)

[nfrrdscnnr1]

Rather agree with most of the responses to the effect that "things happen" to our bodies. Guys worth having in your life will be interested in and turned on by YOU and will accept the packaging. If they are so shallow as to be turned off by the packaging, you might not want them in your life.

[Lion_Roar]

You may be noticing these "flaws" because you see them in the mirror every day. Some of them that you think might be a big deal probably might not even be noticed by a man who is attracted to both your personality and appearance.

One of my ex-girlfriends had this little patch of discoloration on her hip. She was really pale and it looked like a little half inch by half inch square and was darker than the rest of her. She thought it was ugly. I honestly thought it was cute. It was a little spot on her that no one else had. As I would kiss down her body I would kiss the spot and joke that it tasted like caramel and she started calling it her caramel stain. She eventually came to like it and realized it was a part of her and made her unique.

I was a clumsy teen and have scars all over. I also have a lot of stretch marks on my arms and legs because I had such rapid growth spurts growing up. I call them my tiger stripes. If a woman thought those were a deal breaker, then she's an idiot. Same for any man who may be off put by your "imperfections".

[fire_breeze]

I was thinking more about this.

If it's a fling, then why care? Flings are, by nature, casual and without any attachment. It's about pure pleasure with little-to-no emotional attachment.

If it's serious, or a relationship with an emotional component, by the time you get to dance the horizontal tango, he won't care about whether or not you have flaws. He will decide that he wants to be with the whole package, flaws and all, and share in an intimate activity because of its intimacy with the person.

For what it's worth, I have, in my eyes, an ugly scar. I mentioned it to my all, and he had no idea what I was talking about. I had to point it out. I don't know if he really didn't see it or if he saw it and just didn't care (and I'm sure as hell not going to ask him), but the fact is that he got into bed because of what I could offer him, not because of how I look.

[MsQuote]

We, especially women, are always hardest on ourselves.

It sounds to me that you're concerned about appeasing and pleasing the type of men who have unrealistic expectations of how a woman should look once the clothes are shed. Why would you want a man like that?

The funny thing about men like that, aside from their disrespect and disregard for women, is that 99% of them have physical characteristics that are less than perfect, too. They may have a little flab on their belly, let alone no defined six-pack abs. They may have flat or saggy butts. They may have smaller than average penises. Are any of those things deal breakers for you?

Also, what standards are you using for comparing your body to other women? Ads? Erotic photos? You do know that they have the advantage of exercising and taking care of their bodies more than the typical woman because it's their job. Plus, lighting and Photoshop create wonderful and beautiful illusions and enhancements.

Any man worth having should value you as a person first. When the time comes to take the clothes off, focus on the enjoyment of touching and the sensations of sex.

Keep in mind that my words are of a woman who has a good 20 years on you and have the most wonderful man of all time (at least in the time of my life). He's not just a sex partner; he's my very best friend. He knows what my body flaws are, but there are parts of my body he absolutely loves and craves.

Most of all, congratulations on your weight loss!

[pmann]

I can't speak for casual flings, as I have no experience there. I can speak, though, to the relationship side of it.

I'm not a bad looking guy. I am confident and happy with how I look. But I'm certainly not perfect. I have insecurities in some areas, sure. (It is not good on posture carrying around this monster sized cock) However, in my life I've had one girl who is absolutely beautiful to me beyond any description. In my mind, way out of my league. Yet she looked at me like I was some sort of a god to worship, which I am certainly not.

And for her... She would try to point out imperfections to prove to me that she wasn't the most beautiful girl who ever graced this earth. But it only made me love her more. I never once saw them as imperfections. I saw them as her. In my eyes, she is the one to whom I will (unfairly) compare every girl throughout my life. Sometimes your eyes are just made for a certain person.

The point I'm making is that if the person cares for you and if there is a connection, you see the beauty in them rather than the imperfections. And their imperfections are seen as something other than imperfections. We are who we are and that's what people should love.

I probably will have my man card stripped for such girlish rambling. But whateva. I do what I want.

[julius_1975ct]

Originally Posted by MsQuote

We, especially women, are always hardest on ourselves.

It sounds to me that you're concerned about appeasing and pleasing the type of men who have unrealistic expectations of how a woman should look once the clothes are shed. Why would you want a man like that?

The funny thing about men like that, aside from their disrespect and disregard for women, is that 99% of them have physical characteristics that are less than perfect, too. They may have a little flab on their belly, let alone no defined six-pack abs. They may have flat or saggy butts. They may have smaller than average penises. Are any of those things deal breakers for you?

Also, what standards are you using for comparing your body to other women? Ads? Erotic photos? You do know that they have the advantage of exercising and taking care of their bodies more than the typical woman because it's their job. Plus, lighting and Photoshop create wonderful and beautiful illusions and enhancements.

Any man worth having should value you as a person first. When the time comes to take the clothes off, focus on the enjoyment of touching and the sensations of sex.

Keep in mind that my words are of a woman who has a good 20 years on you and have the most wonderful man of all time (at least in the time of my life). He's not just a sex partner; he's my very best friend. He knows what my body flaws are, but there are parts of my body he absolutely loves and craves.

Most of all, congratulations on your weight loss!

Lovely words. As a man I honor and cherish the woman I married. I did not marry a body type, for these things change, but rather thee beautiful person. I love my wife now after years if marriage, and two children her body is not the same, but I praise those changes and curves because they are the story of my family and life with her...

[MsQuote]

Originally Posted by pmann

I can't speak for casual flings, as I have no experience there. I can speak, though, to the relationship side of it.

I'm not a bad looking guy. I am confident and happy with how I look. But I'm certainly not perfect. I have insecurities in some areas, sure. (It is not good on posture carrying around this monster sized cock) However, in my life I've had one girl who is absolutely beautiful to me beyond any description. In my mind, way out of my league. Yet she looked at me like I was some sort of a god to worship, which I am certainly not.

And for her... She would try to point out imperfections to prove to me that she wasn't the most beautiful girl who ever graced this earth. But it only made me love her more. I never once saw them as imperfections. I saw them as her. In my eyes, she is the one to whom I will (unfairly) compare every girl throughout my life. Sometimes your eyes are just made for a certain person.

The point I'm making is that if the person cares for you and if there is a connection, you see the beauty in them rather than the imperfections. And their imperfections are seen as something other than imperfections. We are who we are and that's what people should love.

I probably will have my man card stripped for such girlish rambling. But whateva. I do what I want.

There's nothing girlish about what you said. As a woman, I found it very attractive.

[crazy4cock]

Oh my gorgerous girl, all you need is a little confidence in the goddess that you are.

Men are attracted to a woman with confidence whose outlook is "i know i got it goin on".
My husband loves me and i am BBW. He doesn't love me because I'm big or in spite of it, it just is. I of course, question my figure and attractiveness and he simply states that to me you are gorgeous and he makes me feel that way everyday. I married him being a plus size woman he knew what he was getting into, literally.
Men aren't hung up on all that shit that we are, we are are own worst enemies. Any man you date already can see you he has eyes and he likes what he sees, he's there talking to you and wanting to get to know you, so let him.
I would never discuss my body flaws, what i see as an imperfection may be just another spot he wants to kiss, put the candles on or dim the lights if your're shy. Buy some sexy lingeree and make yourself feel sexy and desirable, my husband loves seeing me in beautiful clothes and out of them too. Men are visual creatures so let him take a peek.