The opening paragraph did not promise 'great writing to come'. The entire passage was clumsily executed.
In paragraph two, coffee is mentioned for the third and fourth times. Ok, I get it, he is sleepy and wants caffeine. use caffeine or java or joe or anything but repeated 'coffee'. 'some girl' - 'some guy', not the most interesting descriptions of crying hot girl and violent jerk.
Para 3. Yep - coffee again. More miles to go (3rd time for this).
para 4. more full moon. (sigh)
para 5. yay - a new character - the waitress who for some unknown reason is a total bitch, but being an unimportant character does not matter.
para 6. you forgot to mention the waitress confirming 'Coffee then?'
para 7. Ok, he finally meets hot girl who amazingly does exactly what he fantasized about. She does not drink Coffee with him.
para 8 - continuation of para 7
para 9. rude waitress and more coffee.
*at this point, I have to tell you I feel a little bit cheated because you don't even tell me if the coffee was good or if it sucked before the girl offers to buy it and they get busy.
The sex is sex, neither better or worse than in many stories. I do not understand the need for chapter breaks during the sexual encounter - perhaps had you added dialogue or some rest periods for coffee or something. . .
Thank god they decided after the storm to go for more coffee and caffeine.
Overall, it is an interesting tale, neither great nor exceedingly horrible. About 30% of it could have been trimmed and re-written in order to make it hop along. The ending conversation and attempt at double entendre was painful.
Before submitting, you should send to either a volunteer editor or to a 'first reader' who can correct some of the more glaring problems with grammar and hopefully cut some of the redundancy and clumsy language.
Last edited by kbate : 03-01-2013 at 09:16 PM.
Reason: This probably will sound meaner than intended