Old 03-01-2013, 09:45 AM   #1
Eleonora
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Hello :)

Hi,

Just submitted my second story and it's waiting for approval. I believe my first one was ok but no one commented yet. I really like to know what you thought of it, if I should/could do something different, etc. I would love some feedback

Here's the link

http://www.literotica.com/s/riding-with-the-storm

Thanks.
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Old 03-01-2013, 01:29 PM   #2
LaRascasse
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If I could comment on the story itself, this is what I would have said.

The story is short and achieves its objective well enough considering its length. There were a few typos but nothing major. I look forward to more
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My stories in case you are interested. Offbeat, unconventional and just a bit dark. Just a bit, I swear


In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, thatů
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
-Albert Camus
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Old 03-01-2013, 05:29 PM   #3
JAMESBJOHNSON
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I gave your tale 4 stars. You have talent. You didnt get a 5 cuz some stories kick ass, and 5's go to stories of superior quality. But youll get there.

Your story rolls along well. Thats good.

If you wanna write serial-killer grade dialogue read a novel by George V. Higgins, no writer ever wrote better dialogue. I recommend him to all.
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Old 03-01-2013, 07:49 PM   #4
joe32112
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wow! you got right to it and you managed to get me arroused. It's a good story with good sexual content.

The problems, for me anyway, are:
1, believablity... finding ways to make your story more believable. Perhaps she is reluctant and he talks her into it. or he is reluctant and she has to convince him becauses he's a gentleman and out of time.
2, you really need an editor. I see you are from Portugal an i'm guessing you know English pretty good but I highly recommend an editor because although your spelling is pretty good, the misuse of some words was very distracting.

I hope this helps.
Thanks for the read......................PEACE joe32112

Also readers are not able to post comments on your story after they read it. Maybe you can change the settings.
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Old 03-01-2013, 08:06 PM   #5
Eleonora
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Thanks

Thanks

I didn't know that I wasn't accepting comments but it's fixed now. Thanks for that info.

It was my first time writing erotica so I guess things are not that good but I enjoyed doing it and wanted to share it. I know that I need to change and work harder on some things but I'm still learning and I really appreciate your feedback.

Again, thanks for your time.
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Old 03-01-2013, 08:12 PM   #6
joe32112
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eleonora View Post
Thanks

I didn't know that I wasn't accepting comments but it's fixed now. Thanks for that info.

It was my first time writing erotica so I guess things are not that good but I enjoyed doing it and wanted to share it. I know that I need to change and work harder on some things but I'm still learning and I really appreciate your feedback.

Again, thanks for your time.
you're welcome, hon. You enjoyed it. That's the main thing.
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Old 03-01-2013, 09:15 PM   #7
kbate
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The opening paragraph did not promise 'great writing to come'. The entire passage was clumsily executed.


In paragraph two, coffee is mentioned for the third and fourth times. Ok, I get it, he is sleepy and wants caffeine. use caffeine or java or joe or anything but repeated 'coffee'. 'some girl' - 'some guy', not the most interesting descriptions of crying hot girl and violent jerk.

Para 3. Yep - coffee again. More miles to go (3rd time for this).

para 4. more full moon. (sigh)

para 5. yay - a new character - the waitress who for some unknown reason is a total bitch, but being an unimportant character does not matter.

para 6. you forgot to mention the waitress confirming 'Coffee then?'

para 7. Ok, he finally meets hot girl who amazingly does exactly what he fantasized about. She does not drink Coffee with him.

para 8 - continuation of para 7

para 9. rude waitress and more coffee.

*at this point, I have to tell you I feel a little bit cheated because you don't even tell me if the coffee was good or if it sucked before the girl offers to buy it and they get busy.

**
The sex is sex, neither better or worse than in many stories. I do not understand the need for chapter breaks during the sexual encounter - perhaps had you added dialogue or some rest periods for coffee or something. . .

***
Thank god they decided after the storm to go for more coffee and caffeine.

**

Overall, it is an interesting tale, neither great nor exceedingly horrible. About 30% of it could have been trimmed and re-written in order to make it hop along. The ending conversation and attempt at double entendre was painful.

Before submitting, you should send to either a volunteer editor or to a 'first reader' who can correct some of the more glaring problems with grammar and hopefully cut some of the redundancy and clumsy language.

Last edited by kbate : 03-01-2013 at 09:16 PM. Reason: This probably will sound meaner than intended
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Old 03-02-2013, 06:23 AM   #8
Eleonora
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Thanks again for the time you all took to read my story and giving your opinion.
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