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Old 01-09-2013, 07:58 PM   #1
ChaseMePleez
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Break up Blues - Second try

I recently broke off what I considered a relationship. (Which included conversations that lasted hours and phone sex that was more than hot). I got to know this person over a long period of time and I thought he knew me but he never learned to trust me. I unfortunately developed very real feelings for this guy. I lied to him and myself, saying that we didn't have to go beyond a purely sexual association.

I convinced myself that I could do that but as I realized that the only connection he felt was to another woman he had failed to romance into a relationship. Needless to say my heart was more than a little broken. I wrote him a letter saying how I felt, hoping I could leave things that way.

Once he did read the letter we ended up on the phone talking about how fucked up he was. His words not mine. Strange thing is that I am still fighting with myself every hour so that I don't call him and ask him to forgive me but I know its useless. What I want to know from anyone who might want to add their two cents is how do pick up from this point? How do I push that ache in my chest away and not think about him? I may not have known him as long as some people do but I felt that connection I had been looking for and giving it up hurts.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:09 PM   #2
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I was kinda the guy in this position to a nice gal. I saw that she was kinda latchy, so sometimes I did use this to my advantage. I did care about her, but it wasn't anything super-romantic. She just was a person that I got to know pretty well as a result of our interactions and I cared about her like anyone I would come to know well. The companionship kept my motor going, too. Sometimes I think she read signals wrong, but I also understand how she did it.

The heart wants what the heart wants.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:11 PM   #3
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I never blamed him. He never sent out signals either. It was a matter of me seeing him for who he was and thats when the feelings started. It had nothing to do with him wanting me back in that way. I just cared about him. I couldn't help it.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:28 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaseMePleez View Post
Once he did read the letter we ended up on the phone talking about how fucked up he was. His words not mine. Strange thing is that I am still fighting with myself every hour so that I don't call him and ask him to forgive me but I know its useless. What I want to know from anyone who might want to add their two cents is how do pick up from this point? How do I push that ache in my chest away and not think about him? I may not have known him as long as some people do but I felt that connection I had been looking for and giving it up hurts.
I'm a bit confused.

He said he was fucked up?

You want him to forgive you?

And if you still love him - what hinders you to continue the relationship?
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:29 PM   #5
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If you really have a 52DDD bra size, that's where the aching in your chest is coming from.

But in another thread, you said the guy is from Lit...so I'm guessing he figured out you're a guy and blew you off.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:35 PM   #6
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He considers himself fucked up because he can't feel more for me.

During an insane moment I was him to take me back in a way. Those are those moments when I see his favorite football team playing or I remember a comment he made about Justin Bieber being a dork.

He doesn't want anything more than a sexual thing...maybe a friendship too. I want more than that. Other women hurt him and he doesn't trust anyone. This is one of the reasons he says that he is fucked up in the head.

If I stayed I know it would have been worse for me. The feelings would just have been more intense.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:37 PM   #7
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Lance, this is not the GB.

Don't tell things without backing them up, and "How To" means "I need help", so try to help and not to troll.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:40 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaseMePleez View Post
He considers himself fucked up because he can't feel more for me.

During an insane moment I was him to take me back in a way. Those are those moments when I see his favorite football team playing or I remember a comment he made about Justin Bieber being a dork.

He doesn't want anything more than a sexual thing...maybe a friendship too. I want more than that. Other women hurt him and he doesn't trust anyone. This is one of the reasons he says that he is fucked up in the head.

If I stayed I know it would have been worse for me. The feelings would just have been more intense.
You said the guy is on Lit, right?

Are these threads to:

1. get back with him...or
2. get back at him?

Either way, airing your (gigantic) laundry in public about Him if he's here...is skeezy.

Boo.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:41 PM   #9
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I have met Lance. I have a key motto that would apply:

Be relevant or be gone

he or she or shim as the case may be needs to mind their own business
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:47 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaseMePleez View Post
He doesn't want anything more than a sexual thing...maybe a friendship too. I want more than that. Other women hurt him and he doesn't trust anyone. This is one of the reasons he says that he is fucked up in the head.
I can relate. It could be that he needs time. He needs a friend right now, not a s/o.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:52 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaseMePleez View Post
He considers himself fucked up because he can't feel more for me.

During an insane moment I was him to take me back in a way. Those are those moments when I see his favorite football team playing or I remember a comment he made about Justin Bieber being a dork.

He doesn't want anything more than a sexual thing...maybe a friendship too. I want more than that. Other women hurt him and he doesn't trust anyone. This is one of the reasons he says that he is fucked up in the head.

If I stayed I know it would have been worse for me. The feelings would just have been more intense.
You know what I think?

He loves your body. But he misses the connection point to you. Don't try to give yourself up for that, if he can't. Be yourself. Deep in his heart, he hates the fact he can't be the one you're looking for. No reason to ask him for forgiveness.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:52 PM   #12
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If I were posting this to get back at anyone I would have named names and that is something that I will not do. I haven't even told my closer friends on here who he is.

Yeah he was important to me. I honestly needed advise. It's nice to know that some people on here are human enough to see things as they are.

Some people actually hurt when they have to end things that way. I would NEVER try something so immature to get back at him. None of this was his fault.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:54 PM   #13
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Has this relationship only been conducted online and through phone calls? I am not saying your feelings for this man aren't real based on that if that is the case, BUT unless you spend actual face time with someone for awhile, you don't really "know" them. There could be a whole other side to this person that you know nothing about. It is easy to have love goggles on with this type of relationship.

I read your ad in the personals....is there a reason you have not had any real romantic relationships? Mid 30's is a long way to go without ever even having been kissed. I think getting out and meeting people face to face would be a great step in the right direction to move on from this fella.
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:55 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lancecastor View Post
Either way, airing your (gigantic) laundry in public about Him if he's here...is skeezy.
No. That's what the Lit world outside the GB is for.
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:03 PM   #15
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TeaForMe- Thanks for asking instead of assuming. Yes it was mostly via phone and skype. I guess I was so lonely that I attached to him quickly. I suffered from a life-threatening illness when I was growing up. Spent most of my time on the oncology ward. I became socially stunted after all that time.

I didn't expect anything past sex at first but our conversations grew to be hours long almost every night. He acted like I mattered to him. I never got that from anyone before.

Popping Tom - Your avatar is adorable and I am making you officially one of my new buds.
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:04 PM   #16
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Has this relationship only been conducted online and through phone calls? I am not saying your feelings for this man aren't real based on that if that is the case, BUT unless you spend actual face time with someone for awhile, you don't really "know" them. There could be a whole other side to this person that you know nothing about. It is easy to have love goggles on with this type of relationship.

I read your ad in the personals....is there a reason you have not had any real romantic relationships? Mid 30's is a long way to go without ever even having been kissed. I think getting out and meeting people face to face would be a great step in the right direction to move on from this fella.

I would also recommend some honesty.
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:07 PM   #17
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I would suggest going somewhere where you're actually wanted or did the herd leave without you?
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:08 PM   #18
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I have met Lance.

No, you haven't.


Try being honest....at least with yourself.

Some dude you met online doesn't want to see you anymore. Big deal. Move on.

Your lonely/cancer/no friends boo-hoo is just an attention troll.

See it for what it is...go for a walk.
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:09 PM   #19
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TeaForMe- Thanks for asking instead of assuming. Yes it was mostly via phone and skype. I guess I was so lonely that I attached to him quickly. I suffered from a life-threatening illness when I was growing up. Spent most of my time on the oncology ward. I became socially stunted after all that time.

I didn't expect anything past sex at first but our conversations grew to be hours long almost every night. He acted like I mattered to him. I never got that from anyone before.

Popping Tom - Your avatar is adorable and I am making you officially one of my new buds.
I am very sorry to hear that. It sounds like the attachment to this guy came as a bit of a surprise. Letting go is never easy, especially when it is not what we want.

I think cutting off all contact is the best way to deal with him. The "it's me, not you" drama he is pulling on you is only self serving to him. You'd be wise to pull yourself up, brush yourself off and keep your chin up. I always tell my daughters (teenage drama queens) that they get three days to wallow in their break up grief. They can cry, be snappy, watch sappy tv, and eat ice cream until they are sick, then it's time to pull it together.

Do you think you could work yourself towards a face to face type of relationship?
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:09 PM   #20
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Popping Tom - Your avatar is adorable and I am making you officially one of my new buds.
Thank you girl
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:11 PM   #21
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I would also recommend some honesty.
Did this person do something personal to you? Do you have more in depth information that the rest of do not? If she is a troll, it will be sorted out soon enough, if not, I will show her respect until she is proven worthy of less.
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:17 PM   #22
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It's cool. Obviously this person has bigger problems going on in her little world and wants to butt into mine. She think she looks smart but is really making an ass out of herself. I am an educated woman with a career and upstanding reputation in my community. What she thinks not only doesn't matter but has no effect on my life once so ever. So she can go ahead and keep making a fool of herself.

One thing for the one who shall not be named: He doesn't come on Lit that much if at all he's reading the stories so he has no idea what I post. If i thought he might stumble on this, I never would have posted it. Another key thing: Always make sure you have all the facts!


I can't believe I came looking for help and ended up having to defend myself most of the time. I do thank those of you who tried to help but I think I need to take a step away from this site for a few days.

Issue is Resolved

Last edited by ChaseMePleez : 01-09-2013 at 09:34 PM.
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Old 01-09-2013, 09:38 PM   #23
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I think I need to take a step away from this site for a few days.

Issue is Resolved
Good choice...you're welcome.
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Old 01-09-2013, 11:11 PM   #24
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Good choice...you're welcome.

Now you're just making yourself look silly.
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Old 01-11-2013, 11:34 AM   #25
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been there

Do your grieving for what you have lost. Keep in mind that you didn't have anything in real life but you did, undoubtedly, have something built up in your mind that COULD have been. In any case, grieving is called for with all the stages in that process. It is not fun but it is necessary.
At some point, work on how it is that you can fool yourself into thinking you have a relationship when you really do not. No on can "know" another person from an online relationship even if there might have been limited face to face meetings. It is terribly difficult to develop a solid relationship with in person connections.
It would be my guess that you have some fear of connecting with men. Have you been hurt in the past? Abused? (Abuse does not have to have been physical.) Apparently life has treated you well in other areas. It is not difficult for humans to somehow get into a rut and be unable to see a way to change and get out. The canyon walls can get awfully high. Have you thought about some help from a counselor or therapist?
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