Old 01-07-2013, 06:26 PM   #1
Alxinwonderland
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looking for feedback

I want to write more stories, but not sure if I need to change anything about the way I write or what I need to improve on - would appreciate some feedback on my story - It's called My dirty little cum slut and is in nonconsent/reluctance, the link is in my signature - thank you
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Looking for sexual outlet and inspiration into all sorts of kinky fuckery in my mind,not so sure about physically...maybe I'll find enough inspiration here!

My one and only attempt at erotic writing (so far) : http://www.literotica.com/s/my-dirty-little-cum-slut
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Old 01-07-2013, 06:35 PM   #2
PennLady
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Alx, good luck with your story. You should consider including a link to the story in your post. A lot of people -- such a myself -- have opted not to display sigs.
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Old 01-07-2013, 06:51 PM   #3
Alxinwonderland
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ah, didn't know that was possible here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/s/my-dirty-little-cum-slut
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Looking for sexual outlet and inspiration into all sorts of kinky fuckery in my mind,not so sure about physically...maybe I'll find enough inspiration here!

My one and only attempt at erotic writing (so far) : http://www.literotica.com/s/my-dirty-little-cum-slut
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Old 01-07-2013, 06:58 PM   #4
chocolatecookie3
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Hi, you are using commas where you should have periods. Generally your sentences are good, except for when they just keep going and you don't have a period or a comma + and. The switch between viewpoints is too disjointed for me, especially when you have one person saying, "I don't know why he did that," and then the other saying, "I didn't see her do that." I would have preferred staying with one character, then I could get into who was doing what and how they were feeling. Everything went so fast, it was hard to get into the action.

I think you should write more! Take time to linger on each activity and describe how the characters react to it.
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Old 01-07-2013, 07:29 PM   #5
sr71plt
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This is your only story posted here and it's four years old. Were you planning on starting up again? That's a lot of time without writing/posting anything--and wanting comment on a story that far in your writing past.

Agree with CC3 on the commas. The prevalent problem is the run-on sentences you create by slapping independent clauses together with commas. Saw one here/hear miscue also before signing out on a read. Signed out, though, when (in addition to this not being my "thing") they'd been together for three months and were sleeping together even, but in their clothes and with lots of tease but no sex yet (the night before this event, they'd had hours of foreplay and her teasing him--in bed--with him in his jeans, and she just turns over and goes to sleep). Need to be a bit more believable for me in set up than this.

The writing is smooth (given the right punctuation), though and descriptions and imaging is being done well.
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Old 01-07-2013, 07:42 PM   #6
Alxinwonderland
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
This is your only story posted here and it's four years old. Were you planning on starting up again? That's a lot of time without writing/posting anything--and wanting comment on a story that far in your writing past.

Agree with CC3 on the commas. The prevalent problem is the run-on sentences you create by slapping independent clauses together with commas. Saw one here/hear miscue also before signing out on a read. Signed out, though, when (in addition to this not being my "thing") they'd been together for three months and were sleeping together even, but in their clothes and with lots of tease but no sex yet (the night before this event, they'd had hours of foreplay and her teasing him--in bed--with him in his jeans, and she just turns over and goes to sleep). Need to be a bit more believable for me in set up than this.

The writing is smooth (given the right punctuation), though and descriptions and imaging is being done well.
Hi, yes I'm looking to start writing again. I didn't receive any comments on it when I posted it, so wasn't sure what people thought of it. I also have more time to write now, so hoping to get back to it. Got too many half finished projects on my hard drive!

I get what you mean about the level of belief in the situation, especially after reading more stories myself. I get very 'meh' about stories when I just can't believe it. Use of commas is something I've worked on over the years at uni, so hopefully if I manage to write and finish something it'll be up to scratch punctuation wise

Feedback appreciated though, should help me to write more.
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Looking for sexual outlet and inspiration into all sorts of kinky fuckery in my mind,not so sure about physically...maybe I'll find enough inspiration here!

My one and only attempt at erotic writing (so far) : http://www.literotica.com/s/my-dirty-little-cum-slut
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