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Old 12-09-2012, 04:32 PM   #1
Kim_Burly
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How much weight do you give your perversions in choosing a mate.

Tonight is a big night for me, I have a dinner date with a man I met online, on a vanilla dating site, ironically. I have been at this since my divorce and I have gone on two dates since then, neither went anywhere. Now, I am hoping I am onto something. Using very careful writing and code words, I have successfully weeded out non-dominant men. I have already been down the road of marrying a man who was looking for an equal partner, and even though he is a marvelous man, that didn't end well. My need for a dominant man to lead me is too strong and I don't care to put my children, another man and myself through another train wreck. So far the signals I get from this man make me very optimistic. He comes across as very assertive and decisive, and very importantly, he is local. I need a drink sooooooo bad and I can't reach my sponsor, I can not blow this!

Back on point, Am I being stupid excluding vanilla people from my dating pool? The pool of men that meet my list of wants and needs is very, very small. Am I better off with bi-weekly seesions from my current married Dom and dying alone or being married to a vanilla man? I'm so confused, please wish me luck!
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Old 12-09-2012, 04:34 PM   #2
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Neither of those options sounds wildly attractive. Here's a logistic long shot, but works - a dude who is sympatico and fun, and weird in a way that dovetails with your need to be dominated biweekly, like someone who is into watching, being cucked, sharing, et al? Could you tolerate someone who sees you being dominated as an adventure even if it's not his bag?

Do not make the mistake that a fuckton of sub clients of mine, unhappily married, make - which is assertive wife = dominant wife. Bad assumption. You have to ask head on at some point.
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Old 12-09-2012, 05:21 PM   #3
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wow that's a $50 question isn't it?

Teal Deer alert: (I have herds of them...its worse with my phone down and an actual keyboard in front of me..)

The lovely mother of my children and I were either just a naturally good fit sexually or we were adaptable enough that we grew so.

Anyhoo...to answer the question...I just don't know.

Subconsciously I have been only interacting in real life with women who are poor prospects for anything long term.

Consciously I have refused to even meet my 2nd wife much less marry her..I am desperate to skip her and move on to wedded lifetime bliss with wifey#3.

I grew up in a fairly rigorous religious environ where I was more superstitious than devout. I decided when wifey "moved on" not to take that as permission to abandon my principles until I had some time under me. Took a year and 1/2 to get out there at all.

So co-worker/ coreligionist was commiserating with me assuring me these things happen; I just picked the wrong girl (I didn't); that he chose poorly on his first, but his second wife was great.

Even before my foot-dragging divorce was final he discovered that his second wife was in fact a cheerful little adulteress. Before I managed to get around to getting laid by the second (and 3rd through 9th) girl(s) of my less than prolific sexual exploits he was reportedly happily married to wifey#3.

I wanted to tell him that you don't HAVE to marry everyone you fuck, and that it is (FAR) cheaper to rent by the hour or day...but ya know.

so now...I accidentally met a girl. kinda.

Not sure.

Make a hell of a "how we met story."

She got pregnant 1/2 her lifetime ago and has never been with anyone else...when she got divorced after 12 years she has been with no one but she and the ex had a for old time session a bit ago. That led to a startling conversation she admitted she doesnt masturbate.

ever.

I KNOW, right?

So..I bought her a doc johnson pocket rocket...she wasnt shocked or offended...a bit amused...and it is still unused.

This doesn't bode well for her being the repressed sexy librarian that will shake her hair out, loose the glasses and blossom at my touch...wait, she ALREADY lets her hair (and her top) down and dances upon a pole.

-when she isn't being a nurse.

seriously. an LPN working on her BSN.

So, my case seems pretty extreme. I have a hot, asexual, stripper/nurse girlfriend.

recipe for disaster, right?

As I ponder that- I realize I am pondering relationship apogees, so that means I'm probably ready to try chem . com or its ilk....I don't know that I have a hard kink requirement. I'm interested in the mental part of my partners' interests, so I could do vanilla if it were a VERY enthusiastic vanilla.

I think.

I do think you are right to screen for YOUR particular deal killer kinks...but how to do that sounds interesting.

Last edited by query : 12-09-2012 at 06:53 PM. Reason: ...and this is the SEVERELY edited version!
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Old 12-09-2012, 06:31 PM   #4
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Read the essay in my link, because we don't know what you mean when you say "dominant."

Admittedly, I am not the most charitable person when it comes to dominant men and the things they do, but women's children statistically don't do real well around a man when mom's relationship with him is based on sexual attraction.
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Old 12-09-2012, 06:57 PM   #5
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I have had more hopeful, happy, kinky relationships with men I've met through "vanilla" (hate that term) channels, than men I've met through "kinky" channels.

Know what *YOU* define as "dominant"/compatible, and go from there.
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Old 12-09-2012, 07:18 PM   #6
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I think there's some real potential out there for someone who wants to start an online dating site called "Pistachio" or "Cookies and Cream."
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Old 12-09-2012, 07:58 PM   #7
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I think there's some real potential out there for someone who wants to start an online dating site called "Pistachio" or "Cookies and Cream."
What about "Neapolitan?" That would include all shades of kinkdom.
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Old 12-09-2012, 08:57 PM   #8
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What about "Neapolitan?" That would include all shades of kinkdom.
Too easily confused with pizza. And since when is 3 the sum total of all shades of kinkdom? I could swear someone recently estimated that the number is closer to 50.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:42 PM   #9
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Too easily confused with pizza. And since when is 3 the sum total of all shades of kinkdom? I could swear someone recently estimated that the number is closer to 50.
That was 50 shades of one man's fucked up, from what I read. But still it gives more options than choosing one flavor.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:49 PM   #10
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I think there's some real potential out there for someone who wants to start an online dating site called "Pistachio" or "Cookies and Cream."
I'm voting for white chocolate raspberry. Deceptively vanilla in appearance, but oh so delicious and not vanilla in flavor.
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Old 12-10-2012, 05:30 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kim_Burly View Post
Tonight is a big night for me, I have a dinner date with a man I met online, on a vanilla dating site, ironically. I have been at this since my divorce and I have gone on two dates since then, neither went anywhere. Now, I am hoping I am onto something. Using very careful writing and code words, I have successfully weeded out non-dominant men. I have already been down the road of marrying a man who was looking for an equal partner, and even though he is a marvelous man, that didn't end well. My need for a dominant man to lead me is too strong and I don't care to put my children, another man and myself through another train wreck. So far the signals I get from this man make me very optimistic. He comes across as very assertive and decisive, and very importantly, he is local. I need a drink sooooooo bad and I can't reach my sponsor, I can not blow this!

Back on point, Am I being stupid excluding vanilla people from my dating pool? The pool of men that meet my list of wants and needs is very, very small. Am I better off with bi-weekly seesions from my current married Dom and dying alone or being married to a vanilla man? I'm so confused, please wish me luck!

If the dominance is as important to you as this post indicates, why don't you exclusively date from the kink pool?

That said, I was an exclusive kink shopper and it never ended well. I've met someone who's solid quality vanilla base is open to any number of tasty toppings, but I
realise how rare that is and how blessedly lucky I am.

But it didn't happen by magic. I'm not sure how fail proof your carefully coded or worded e-mails are. Males, for the most part, are very unsubtle people. Perhaps being straight up about your sexual prefernces would save you from more train wrecks.
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Old 12-10-2012, 06:09 PM   #12
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1. Am I being stupid excluding vanilla people from my dating pool?

2. Am I better off with bi-weekly seesions from my current married Dom...?
1. Yes. Despite your "KinkDar" and keywords, kinky people don't always let on that they are kinky right away. The person comes first, then the attraction, etc...so, meet people.

2. No. In fact, you should probably put the married Dom on hiatus or end it. Your primary relationship ought to come first. Any guy who cares about you is going to know you're not 100% with him and one or more will lose interest, never show interest, etc as a result...and you risk the chance of missing a good one.


Those are my thoughts.
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Old 12-10-2012, 07:10 PM   #13
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I'm voting for white chocolate raspberry. Deceptively vanilla in appearance, but oh so delicious and not vanilla in flavor.
I'm sorry, but white chocolate is boooring... Cocoa Butter? you might as well sprinkle sugar on a spoonful of skin lotion.

I'd rather have real genuine vanilla-- rich and warm, slightly astringent, floral aftertaste. If you think vanilla is bland, you've only tasted the commercial, artificially-flavored, corn-syrup sweetened version.
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Old 12-10-2012, 08:16 PM   #14
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Time for an update, I know not everyone is as excited about this as I am, so forgive me if I go on too much. Last night's date falls into the "too good to be true category" which makes me quite nervous. We had already e-mailed back and forth, talked on the phone and done the picture exchange thing. He is a good looking German man, with a green card. He is a few years older than me and I'm okay with that, he is in great shape. He is divorced with his ex and adult children still in Germany. Of course, [i]he says[i] he could and would be a good father to another man's children, but that of course, remains to be seen. I think he hinted that he would like to have a baby with me if things work out. I would describe him as being no-nonsense and very direct. We went to a very nice restaurant and he had told me to wear a dress and heels. We ate, talked for two hours after dinner and then we went to his house nd talked until 11:00. His house is large and nice, but it is just him there so if has an empty feel to it. He showed me everything except a locked room in his basement that you have to pass through his gym to get into. He told me "If you're good, you will see the inside of that room, in time." Iwas trembling slightly at that point. He asked a lot of questions, some of which made me wonder if he comes here. I answered honestly, even when he asked if I might have a drinking problem, I would rather enter a new relationship being honest than have it fall apart later because of lies. He complimented me on my looks and I caught him glancing my cleavage and nipples, which I didn't pad so they were sticking straight out in all their glory. I could tell by his bulge he was fully aroused, but he was a gentleman, he took me home and gave me a knee buckling kiss on my porch and said good night. Not that I wouldn't have "put out" but I'm glad he didn't make any moves. In the course of our discussion he all but said he is a Dom/sadist. He said he believes a man has a duty to use corporal punishment on his wife. He made reference to some "method" maybe the "Roberts method(?)" where couples punish each other and said it would be wrong for a wife to discipline her husband. I tried to subtly say I was a sub/masochist but I was also being very careful not to say anything too stupid. So far I am trying to be realistic and keep my feet on the ground. We have a date for next weekend and I can't wait!

Thanks for all of the replies, if this falls through (please don't, please don't) I will reassess my dating criteria. On my current relationship with my married Dom his wife is 100% aware of what we do and when we do it. She is vanilla, which I think is an apt term, and she would rather have him flogging me and peeing in my face than her's. He get his kinky needs met with me so he can have a normal relationship with her. He is still the head of their household, but the most she ever gets is an erotic spanking. I have no current relationship, yet. So neither one of us is cheating. I can tell you this much, if the thing with Mr. German works out, my current Dom will be history and he will have a very hard time without me. At least as hard a time as I would have without him. So, no, I would never cheat again on a new relationship.

Thanks for listening
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Old 12-10-2012, 09:02 PM   #15
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Sounds like he might be fun for sex.
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Old 12-10-2012, 09:13 PM   #16
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Depends on the variety of white chocolate, and might I add the amount of raspberry? Never forget the raspberry.
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Old 12-10-2012, 10:16 PM   #17
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Depends on the variety of white chocolate, and might I add the amount of raspberry? Never forget the raspberry.
Oh no, never forget the raspberries!

What variety of white chocolate do you like? I was recommended Baker's brand-- from the cooking section-- but I haven't found it yet.
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Old 12-10-2012, 10:26 PM   #18
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For eating... Askinosie hands down. Best ever. It changed my mind forever about white chocolate.

It's way too expensive for cooking baking though, *your budget may vary*... Ghiradelli is nice, but lumps when I melt it. Bakers is pretty good. It seems like a special order item though.
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Old 12-13-2012, 08:40 PM   #19
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Ok, I know y'all would rather talk about ice cream flavors than listen to me but I'm not holding a gun to anyone's head and it is very cathartic for me,so I will continue to blather on. Read at your own risk of boredom.

We have talked on the phone some this week. He didn't ask, but I brought up my realationship with my Dom (not easy/awkward). Mr. German didn't say much, but it is clear he won't let it continue if our realtionship does, which is what I think should happen to, of course.

I feel like he likes me a lot and has a road map in his head how our relationship will proceed. I'm already puppy dog in love and I know I need to be careful and keep my eyes wide open. We have a date Friday and we may do something on Sunday.

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Old 12-13-2012, 08:55 PM   #20
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Ok, I know y'all would rather talk about ice cream flavors than listen to me but I'm not holding a gun to anyone's head and it is very cathartic for me,so I will continue to blather on. Read at your own risk of boredom.

We have talked on the phone some this week. He didn't ask, but I brought up my realationship with my Dom (not easy/awkward). Mr. German didn't say much, but it is clear he won't let it continue if our realtionship does, which is what I think should happen to, of course.

I feel like he likes me a lot and has a road map in his head how our relationship will proceed. I'm already puppy dog in love and I know I need to be careful and keep my eyes wide open. We have a date Friday and we may do something on Sunday.

I bolded the key phrase there (as I see it) others may have varying views... that should let you know that he's at least a little on the dominant side. "He won't let it continue" is a telling turn of phrase you are using.

What remains to be seen is if the way you want to be dominated dovetails with how Mr. German would want to be dominant. You should have a good time figuring that out. Date night Friday... and doing something Sunday... is a good place to start figuring that all out.
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Old 12-14-2012, 06:34 PM   #21
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OMG, I just ran into my Dom, his wife and kids at the photo studio. We had family potrait appointments a half an hour apart. His wife knows who I am, and even though I am taking the brunt of "unpleasant duties" the she won't/refuses to do, she still hates me, and I understand and accept that. Everyone acted like adults and the kids never caught on. AWKWARD!

I have to get ready for my date now, but at least, I think he is into domestic discipline. He gave me some interesting instructions on what to wear. More later.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Sonja View Post
I bolded the key phrase there (as I see it) others may have varying views... that should let you know that he's at least a little on the dominant side. "He won't let it continue" is a telling turn of phrase you are using.

What remains to be seen is if the way you want to be dominated dovetails with how Mr. German would want to be dominant. You should have a good time figuring that out. Date night Friday... and doing something Sunday... is a good place to start figuring that all out.
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Old 12-14-2012, 06:49 PM   #22
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Is it just me who sees the red flags all over the place?
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Old 12-14-2012, 07:34 PM   #23
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Is it just me who sees the red flags all over the place?
I ALWAYS see red flags when people with children at home start talking about domestic discipline with folks they don't know too well.

I thought it was just me being sensitive.
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Old 12-14-2012, 08:19 PM   #24
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Is it just me who sees the red flags all over the place?
The wife knows of the situation/approves, yet "hates" the OP?

The new domly-one was talking about having kids/domestic discipline on the first date?

Oy.

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Old 12-14-2012, 09:03 PM   #25
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The wife knows of the situation/approves, yet "hates" the OP?

The new domly-one was talking about having kids/domestic discipline on the first date?

Oy.

What could possibly go wrong?
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