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Old 11-08-2013, 03:29 AM   #1
TheWolfling
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She's a sadistic switch, I'm a masochistic sub, she wants me to dom her. What do?

We're a lesbian couple, both still pretty new to this whole BDSM thing, so haven't done anything heavier than some bondage, master/slave scenarios, scratching, biting (she me, not I her) etc. The problem is that I'm a masochistic sub by nature, she's a sadictic switch and really wants me to dom her, but I don't know how. I always find domming really difficult and awkward.
Suggestions?
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Old 11-08-2013, 06:05 AM   #2
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A common suggestion I see for this situation is to consider it your "service" as a sub to dominate her. Bit of a trick for your mind, I suppose.

Personally, I don't have any suggestions. My ability to dominate has never been tested and the scenarios that works in my head are on a very person-to-person basis. When you dislike asking things of people and dislike being served in the first place, it's hard to start making demands of people xD
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Old 11-08-2013, 06:35 AM   #3
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Pretty impossible to switch to domming if you're a masochist.
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Old 11-08-2013, 09:09 AM   #4
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By domming her does she mean that she wants you to run the show or does she want you to Top her?

It may not be as hard as you think to give her what she wants. Perhaps she just wants you to think of the play scenario? In no way am I dominant. However, I do have a more detailed nasty imagination than my dominant. He loves how my mind works. I write him stories of my fantasies. Sometimes he will pick out an outfit for me and tell me to write a story based around it.

Of course, just because I write something doesn't mean he will follow it as a script. But it does give him some ideas that he may not of thought of. Plus he gets to see exactly what kinky stuff I am into at that time.

Perhaps you can write out a script of sorts of how you would like for her to use her sadistic nature to use you, hurt you, fuck you...etc.
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Old 11-08-2013, 09:34 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HussarVanburen View Post
Pretty impossible to switch to domming if you're a masochist.
Why?

OP- "Domme" her as a service top. She wants X (to bottom On occasion); you are submitting by giving it to her. Your discomfort with the situation could also feed your masochism - physical masochism isn't the only show in town. Take the masochist parts you normally enjoy, and do the mental gymnastics to make things work for you.
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Old 11-08-2013, 11:41 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HussarVanburen View Post
Pretty impossible to switch to domming if you're a masochist.
Quote:
Originally Posted by CutieMouse View Post
Why?

OP- "Domme" her as a service top. She wants X (to bottom On occasion); you are submitting by giving it to her. Your discomfort with the situation could also feed your masochism - physical masochism isn't the only show in town. Take the masochist parts you normally enjoy, and do the mental gymnastics to make things work for you.
Also, find a thread to which Stella Omega has responded, go down to the sig block, find the link to her great essay on roles in the BDSM culture. It will have a good chance at helping you resolve these conflicts in your mind.
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Old 11-08-2013, 02:10 PM   #7
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Here I am!

I used to like to say that bottoms switch the first time they figure out how-- tops switch the first chance they get... Meaning that the only thing that stops bottoms from topping is the lack of knowledge, tops need to be sure the person that's topping them knows what they are doing.

I am a masochist and I find that I dominate most of the time. It's not that hard; I tell my partner; "Scratch a design into my skin with your fingernails" "Spank me until the timer goes off" "Use your fists."

Using a timer can reassure a timid submissive that they should keep going even if the dominant has said 'stop'
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Old 11-08-2013, 02:21 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheWolfling View Post
We're a lesbian couple, both still pretty new to this whole BDSM thing, so haven't done anything heavier than some bondage, master/slave scenarios, scratching, biting (she me, not I her) etc. The problem is that I'm a masochistic sub by nature, she's a sadictic switch and really wants me to dom her, but I don't know how. I always find domming really difficult and awkward.
Suggestions?
Also if you're not sure what she would enjoy, suggest she write you a short story or two about her fantasies. I had no idea a dominant man I was dating, who used to write me erotic stories, had submissive fantasies until he wrote me a story about me topping him.
It doesn't have to be long or detailed either, could even be a series of texts.
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Old 11-08-2013, 02:22 PM   #9
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Thumbs up

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stella_Omega View Post

I used to like to say that bottoms switch the first time they figure out how-- tops switch the first chance they get...
Ha, love this!
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Old 11-08-2013, 03:53 PM   #10
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While kitten (Not to be confused with LoversKitten) and I do not play in the S/M field. I will say at times I will ask her to flog or abuse me, this normally has to do with a situation at work where I just need to let go and feel pain. it can be very invigorating.
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Old 11-08-2013, 04:54 PM   #11
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This is going to sound sarcastic, but it really isn't.

Have her tell you what to do. That way, you don't have to lose the submissive mindset--which is what trips a lot people up in these situations--and she's still getting what she wants.

If she doesn't want to bark orders throughout, she can always send you an email beforehand or something.
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Old 11-08-2013, 11:53 PM   #12
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Thank you all.
That's been really helpful
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Old 11-09-2013, 06:50 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CutieMouse View Post
Why?

OP- "Domme" her as a service top. She wants X (to bottom On occasion); you are submitting by giving it to her. Your discomfort with the situation could also feed your masochism - physical masochism isn't the only show in town. Take the masochist parts you normally enjoy, and do the mental gymnastics to make things work for you.
Simply put: It is entirely against her psychological makeup to be a domme if she's a masochistic sub. At best, it'll appear extremely fake and insincere.
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Old 11-09-2013, 07:17 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HussarVanburen View Post
Simply put: It is entirely against her psychological makeup to be a domme if she's a masochistic sub. At best, it'll appear extremely fake and insincere.
Haven't you ever done something to someone, JUST for the pleasure of pleasing them?
Oh yeah, you're a selfish, misogynisic, simpleton. Sorry, never mind.
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Old 11-09-2013, 12:11 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HussarVanburen View Post
Simply put: It is entirely against her psychological makeup to be a domme if she's a masochistic sub. At best, it'll appear extremely fake and insincere.
Says the guy who doesn't know the first thing about psychology.
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Old 11-09-2013, 09:31 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HussarVanburen View Post
Simply put: It is entirely against her psychological makeup to be a domme if she's a masochistic sub. At best, it'll appear extremely fake and insincere.
As a submissive, slightly masochistic person, I disagree. While topping does not come to me naturally and doesn't get me off, I will still do it on request simply to please my partner. I've even felt kind of dominant when I got into the right head space! The desire to please your partner IS sincere.
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Old 11-10-2013, 06:27 AM   #17
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Originally Posted by Loverskitten View Post
Haven't you ever done something to someone, JUST for the pleasure of pleasing them?
Oh yeah, you're a selfish, misogynisic, simpleton. Sorry, never mind.
Hardly a simpleton. But selfish misogynist does well describe me, yes.
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Old 11-10-2013, 01:33 PM   #18
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Quote:
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Hardly a simpleton. But selfish misogynist does well describe me, yes.
The latter is just a synonym for the former, dudebro. Being a raging bigot that doesn't actually know what he's talking about pretty much makes you an idiot by default. I mean, you don't even argue with anecdata, your claims are so ridiculous.
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Old 11-10-2013, 05:04 PM   #19
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Quote:
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Hardly a simpleton. But selfish misogynist does well describe me, yes.
Selfish, I can handle, but the way you use misogyny to simplify the world so as to support your selfishness? Totally a simpleton.
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Last edited by Stella_Omega : 11-10-2013 at 05:09 PM.
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Old 11-10-2013, 05:55 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HussarVanburen View Post
Simply put: It is entirely against her psychological makeup to be a domme if she's a masochistic sub. At best, it'll appear extremely fake and insincere.
I would beg to differ.

At one point I was in a relationship with someone who was a switch and enjoyed masochistic activities. I didn't have a Top/Domme bone in my body, and hadn't ever even considered it. I educated myself, we talked things through as needed, and I gave him what he wanted to the best of my ability. The only real complaint I ever received was that I didn't orgasm while topping the way he had hoped I would.

Based on attitude, etc I still get pegged for domme more often than submissive.
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