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Old 01-04-2013, 05:58 PM   #76
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Originally Posted by blulilacgrl View Post
Riles that is a fantastic idea! And you know what that might work even better in a sense. It wouldn't have even occurred to me because hubby and I have set times to talk. BUT the OP doesn't have a lot of time with her guy.

Taking your idea. Do you think a letter would work? I get the sense that he drives for his job. So if she were to write a letter, explaining a topic/issue (OP as you know you would have to be EXTREMELY careful on how you word things to prevent misunderstandings) that he could then read and think about throughout the day/job/night/etc...

What do you think, Riles? Is that in line with your suggestion? Because you really do bring up a good point of giving him time to process information.
Genius, the both of you. A letter would work much better, and he would have time to think while he's out working. He's not necessarily on the road his entire shift, as he drives a tow truck, but some nights, he is. It really depends on the weather conditions, and how many other drivers are available. Usually, it's just him overnight, so he has to play dispatch as well as driver. We used to text back and forth when he'd get a minute, but with a new state law that went into effect at the beginning of the year, texting in a commercial vehicle is prohibited. I do not like to call him while he's working, unless it's urgent, so I have even less contact with him than before. I still send him a "goodnight, i love you, i miss you" text, since he doesn't need to respond to those.

Writing a letter would be perfect. I could leave it in his car, or hand it to him on his way out the door, and let him know to read it whenever he has a chance. This would alleviate the confrontational aspect of a talk, and make it seem less threatening.

Although, he does have tonight off. So, I'm cooking one of his favorite meals, putting the kids to bed a bit early, and then cuddling on the couch with him to watch a couple of movies. I'll be gone all day tomorrow visiting my family with the kids, and he has to work tomorrow afternoon/night.
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Old 01-04-2013, 07:00 PM   #77
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Originally Posted by blulilacgrl View Post
Riles that is a fantastic idea! And you know what that might work even better in a sense. It wouldn't have even occurred to me because hubby and I have set times to talk. BUT the OP doesn't have a lot of time with her guy.

Taking your idea. Do you think a letter would work? I get the sense that he drives for his job. So if she were to write a letter, explaining a topic/issue (OP as you know you would have to be EXTREMELY careful on how you word things to prevent misunderstandings) that he could then read and think about throughout the day/job/night/etc...

What do you think, Riles? Is that in line with your suggestion? Because you really do bring up a good point of giving him time to process information.
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Originally Posted by photograph View Post
Genius, the both of you. A letter would work much better, and he would have time to think while he's out working. He's not necessarily on the road his entire shift, as he drives a tow truck, but some nights, he is. It really depends on the weather conditions, and how many other drivers are available. Usually, it's just him overnight, so he has to play dispatch as well as driver. We used to text back and forth when he'd get a minute, but with a new state law that went into effect at the beginning of the year, texting in a commercial vehicle is prohibited. I do not like to call him while he's working, unless it's urgent, so I have even less contact with him than before. I still send him a "goodnight, i love you, i miss you" text, since he doesn't need to respond to those.

Writing a letter would be perfect. I could leave it in his car, or hand it to him on his way out the door, and let him know to read it whenever he has a chance. This would alleviate the confrontational aspect of a talk, and make it seem less threatening.

Although, he does have tonight off. So, I'm cooking one of his favorite meals, putting the kids to bed a bit early, and then cuddling on the couch with him to watch a couple of movies. I'll be gone all day tomorrow visiting my family with the kids, and he has to work tomorrow afternoon/night.
This is a great idea and can be a good tool. My wife has done this a few times over the years with me, and it worked well.
I travel for work, and she would write little letters or notes - way more personal than texts - and stow them in my luggage or briefcase, to let me know her and the kids miss me, to remind me of upcoming appointments and important dates, and to plant the seeds for discussions we would have later, either over the phone or when I got home. It gave me time to process and think about things, and it wasn't something "out of the blue" when I called or arrived back home. It also helped me learn how and when to turn off (or at least hibernate) "work mind", and direct my focus on her and the family. Blulilacgrl's advice about watching the wording of things is good - delicate or touchy subjects can be difficult to convey in a note and would be best served if dealt with when you are together.

It probably does not need saying, but make sure you do this only as a way to engage and support your communications with each other, and not replace time you spend talking and communicating face to face. You will always accomplish and convey more in a twenty minute face to face with your husband than can be done with twenty pages of a letter.

I'll close with a repeat of my well-wishes for you and your family. If going by the tone and mood of your first post compared to your last few, it appears as though things are improving, and you have a good plan and attitude for the future. All the best!
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Old 01-05-2013, 01:50 AM   #78
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You've already gotten some good advice on the relationship part of things, so I'm going to chime in about the kids. First of all, Lauren was right. Obsessing about perfection is simply counter-productive - especially with pre-schoolers in the house. Here are some tips that I found worked well for my daughter when she was growing up - courtesy of FlyLady.

Play games with your kids as far as cleaning or picking up their rooms. You can choose a number, and see who can put away that many items the fastest. You can also use a timer - that was the most helpful tool for my daughter. The game was "Beat the Timer." Playing music helps; you might have to help them stay focused, but that should be all once they figure out how the games are played.

I set the timer for 15 minutes. She had a set goal that I chose, but she only had to work at it for 15 minutes. Once the timer was done, she got to stop - whether the job was done or not and whether it was perfect or not. The key to making this work is to STOP when the timer goes off. The kids will learn that you're good for your word. If they know 15 minutes really means JUST 15 minutes, they'll be more apt to give you 15 minutes whenever you ask for it.

I separated her room into 5 "zones." The bed, dresser, desk, closet, and floor. Your mileage may vary according to your specific situation, but that worked best for us. Every day, I chose a different zone and had her just pick it up for 15 minutes - nothing major, just picking up and putting away. (Five minutes may work better for the smaller child.) On Saturday, I again picked out a zone. This time, she spent the 15 minutes deep cleaning it. For the bed, that meant changing her sheets, dusting the attached bookcase, etc. Dresser duty was dusting the top, straightening drawers, and cleaning the mirror.

For the most part, her room was completely cleaned once a month. It really did make a difference in how clean she kept her room. It gave her direction. Instead of sending her into a room that looked like Hurricane Charley had just swept through - with vague instructions to "clean your room!", it actually gave her an achievable goal. She thought it was great that her room was always relatively ready for company, and Mom no longer had to be a complete maniac to get her to take care of her room. lol I loved it because her room was finally clean, and we didn't have to go through WWIII to get it that way. Win-win for everybody.

The last tip - discard the idea of perfection. At this stage of the game, you're going for getting a job done - not done perfectly. If the toys are put away, who cares if they're sorted by color, size, alphabetically, and all in the same position? They're put away; that's enough.

Those are only a few of the tips I learned from FlyLady. If you're interested in more, she has a huge website full of tips to help you and the kids - not just for cleaning, but also for exercising, date nights with hubby, and more. It's really a cool site; I encourage you to check it out. It's a wonderful tool for any stressed mom. Just take what you need or want to use and ignore the rest.

My final word of advice - take it from the Mom of a 20 year old. These days are stressful as hell, there's no doubt about it. The day will come, though, when you will long for the days you have now. Enjoy these little ones while they're still little. The house will still be there when they're long gone. You'll be amazed at the perspective a few years will make. When they're teenagers, you'll remember the days of "Terrible Twos," diapers, and fingerprints on windows fondly. My mom used to tell me to "train her when she's young." She was right. I started out early teaching her how to take care of her room, and it was far easier to get her to do it when she became a teenager. By the time she was 11, she could do anything in the house that I could do. I always figured my job was to teach her how to be an independent adult. She's moved out and on her own now; that part of my job is finished. As frustrating as her childhood was, I'd gladly deal with a messy room again to have my little girl back. Life just doesn't work out that way, though.
Flylady rocks, my wife uses her ideas and it is really, really good advice. You don't have to follow everything she says, but her ideas are really, really good a lot of the time IMO. I highly recommend her wall calendar, great for organizing crazy lives
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Old 01-06-2013, 06:34 AM   #79
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blulilacgrl View Post
Riles that is a fantastic idea! And you know what that might work even better in a sense. It wouldn't have even occurred to me because hubby and I have set times to talk. BUT the OP doesn't have a lot of time with her guy.

Taking your idea. Do you think a letter would work? I get the sense that he drives for his job. So if she were to write a letter, explaining a topic/issue (OP as you know you would have to be EXTREMELY careful on how you word things to prevent misunderstandings) that he could then read and think about throughout the day/job/night/etc...

What do you think, Riles? Is that in line with your suggestion? Because you really do bring up a good point of giving him time to process information.
Yup, a letter would/should do just fine...as has been confirmed in the above postings. (I'm a day late it seems)

And I can't agree MORE on the bolded part. I haven't used a letter at home, but having swapped plenty of long drawn out emotional emails, as well as some very short, very 'descriptive' ones, the power of the written word shouldn't be taken lightly. I am often shocked how wrong a message can be received when the tone is mistaken. Tread carefully in this method, that's the best I can offer.
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Old 01-12-2013, 01:16 AM   #80
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Another quick update, then hopefully this is it for this thread! And damn school and life getting dipping into my online time....

I didn't even have to write a letter to him. We sat down the night I last posted, and had a nice, long, heartfelt talk. I was gone most of the next day, and he was at work when I got home. So, I didn't see him for almost 2 days, since he slept when he got home.

Strangely though, having that long talk, and then being absent from him for a bit seemed to really help. We both had time to reflect on what the other said. I had to leave again on Tuesday for some stupid family drama, and didn't get back until late Wednesday night. Things have been wonderful since then though, he's been attentive, supportive with the kids, and seems much more light hearted, like he use to be. I found out why tonight. He informed me that his boss drew up the paper work for the partnership, and made my husband 99% owner of the company, and split the remaining 1% between two other employees!! His boss is stepping down within the next month or two, and leaving my husband completely in charge. This is what he's wanted since I've known him, to own his own business. His boss is tired of the drama, and is retiring.
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Old 01-12-2013, 10:51 AM   #81
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Another quick update, then hopefully this is it for this thread! And damn school and life getting dipping into my online time....

I didn't even have to write a letter to him. We sat down the night I last posted, and had a nice, long, heartfelt talk. I was gone most of the next day, and he was at work when I got home. So, I didn't see him for almost 2 days, since he slept when he got home.

Strangely though, having that long talk, and then being absent from him for a bit seemed to really help. We both had time to reflect on what the other said. I had to leave again on Tuesday for some stupid family drama, and didn't get back until late Wednesday night. Things have been wonderful since then though, he's been attentive, supportive with the kids, and seems much more light hearted, like he use to be. I found out why tonight. He informed me that his boss drew up the paper work for the partnership, and made my husband 99% owner of the company, and split the remaining 1% between two other employees!! His boss is stepping down within the next month or two, and leaving my husband completely in charge. This is what he's wanted since I've known him, to own his own business. His boss is tired of the drama, and is retiring.
That is great! While owning a business is not easy, there is something to being your own boss. I am glad it is going better, sometimes the hardest part in a relationship is communicating, truly saying what you feel in a way that doesn't cause the other person to get hurt or pull back.

I did want to comment on the time apart and what happened, that actually is a great technique, it really works, to take some time to think or ponder things (in your case happened because of circumstances). Having time to mull things over, ponder them, is incredibly valuable, and one of the techniques they taught us in couples therapy was not to get into the moment, but rather do it after having time to think. If you have had a fight, don't immediately try and 'make it right', give it some time, to think and ponder, and come back to it, same if you have had a major talk or something (heck, they teach that in coaching little league, you never react in the heat of the moment, always do it later, after having time to think....keep in mind that beneath the surface, we all still have that 8 year old in there someplace.

I suspect the biggest thing, besides the business coming your H's way, is that both of you seem to be figuring out that you really love and care for each other, that the problem wasn't you were drifting apart, it was that you care and love each other but saw things as maybe the other one not..your H saw you as being unhappy,distant, you saw him not pitching in, moody, whatever....and the biggest joke of these things is often it is a self feeding circle, you think he doesn't care any more, or isn't the man you married, gets you depressed, he sees that, figures you don't care any more, and it can feed itself. Now if you guys can get some time together, alone, I think you are gonna find none of that is true. I wish you luck, this is kind of my good news of the day, and let us know how things are going from time to time
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Old 01-12-2013, 11:15 AM   #82
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Originally Posted by photograph View Post
Another quick update, then hopefully this is it for this thread! And damn school and life getting dipping into my online time....

I didn't even have to write a letter to him. We sat down the night I last posted, and had a nice, long, heartfelt talk. I was gone most of the next day, and he was at work when I got home. So, I didn't see him for almost 2 days, since he slept when he got home.

Strangely though, having that long talk, and then being absent from him for a bit seemed to really help. We both had time to reflect on what the other said. I had to leave again on Tuesday for some stupid family drama, and didn't get back until late Wednesday night. Things have been wonderful since then though, he's been attentive, supportive with the kids, and seems much more light hearted, like he use to be. I found out why tonight. He informed me that his boss drew up the paper work for the partnership, and made my husband 99% owner of the company, and split the remaining 1% between two other employees!! His boss is stepping down within the next month or two, and leaving my husband completely in charge. This is what he's wanted since I've known him, to own his own business. His boss is tired of the drama, and is retiring.
That is wonderful!! Not to be Debbie the Downer or to rain on anybody's parade. But.... he is now the owner of the company. That is a heavy and stressful responsibility. I would suggest that while things are good you guys take some "preventative care". Perhaps sit down and talk about how owning a company can be stressful. Do you know any other people who own or operate their own companies? Maybe go out with them and talk about the pressures they deal with and how they deal with them.

My thinking is just that it is a different set of pressures. Whereas before he could come home and bitch about his boss. Here on out, he might come home worried about how he is going to pay his workers, support his family, keep his business in the black, etc...

To my mind, now is the time to chat. First acknowledge how prooud you are of him and how happy you are then state the concern about stress/pressure on the marriage and then ask for help finding a solution. Because it is not pressing, each of you can take as long as you need to come up with what you think will work.

Just a thought.

Congratulations on everything though! It's great to hear how well things are working out!
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Old 01-12-2013, 11:55 PM   #83
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That is wonderful!! Not to be Debbie the Downer or to rain on anybody's parade. But.... he is now the owner of the company. That is a heavy and stressful responsibility. I would suggest that while things are good you guys take some "preventative care". Perhaps sit down and talk about how owning a company can be stressful. Do you know any other people who own or operate their own companies? Maybe go out with them and talk about the pressures they deal with and how they deal with them.

My thinking is just that it is a different set of pressures. Whereas before he could come home and bitch about his boss. Here on out, he might come home worried about how he is going to pay his workers, support his family, keep his business in the black, etc...

To my mind, now is the time to chat. First acknowledge how prooud you are of him and how happy you are then state the concern about stress/pressure on the marriage and then ask for help finding a solution. Because it is not pressing, each of you can take as long as you need to come up with what you think will work.

Just a thought.

Congratulations on everything though! It's great to hear how well things are working out!
We actually started working on this as soon as he mentioned the paperwork. We are mapping out a plan for when it actually takes place, which won't be for a couple of months. He is already making changes though, that will offer much less stress than he is under now. His main stressor at work is that one employee was not doing her job. Without going into a lot of detail, he asked her to take a week off and consider whether or not she really wants to keep her job. He also had to recently suspend one of the drivers for violating a company policy(texting and driving.)
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Old 01-13-2013, 02:56 AM   #84
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I can completely sympathize with you. My suggestion would be to send the kids to grandmas for the weekend and have some one on one time with your husband.

Go out to dinner,or have a night at home eating without kids.

Talk to him without blame. Make a list of what's bothering you to talk to him.

Remember you are not alone.
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Old 01-13-2013, 04:38 AM   #85
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