Old 02-12-2013, 10:08 PM   #1
ThesecretsIkeep
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Unhappy Constructive Criticism

Not sure if this is exactly the best place for this thread. I nosed about in the others and this seemed best...

I feel as if my stories are coming across...wrong. As in, the ideas are in my head, but I'm getting garbage when I actually type them out. I have recently written two chapters of a story (first time for this kind of story) and I don't really care for them.

Would love some tweaking...advice...criticism...anything.

If! You are so kind as to help or lecture me (I said anything!) about what to do or where to post...be my guest.

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-perfect-team-1

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-perfect-team-ch-02
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Old 02-12-2013, 10:46 PM   #2
HisPet21
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Okay, so I read both chapters and figured I'd post my criticisms here, rather than on your Comments Board. I hope that's okay, but I have a lot to say and it'll be easier to read here, haha!

First of all, you posted in the correct category. Please, for the love of god, do not post any further chapters in the BDSM Category. The frequent readers there are usually looking for consensual power dynamics, and you will get flamed for any nonconsensual sex (i.e. rape) or unwanted sexual violence. I do not know what crawled up Anon's behind, but you were spot on in your categorization. There is no "Mistress/Master BS." You simply have a noncon/reluctance story in which the antagonists seek a long term victim. No harm in that.

Secondly, you have a great idea going. It is very rare to see a story of a dominant couple (although Jason could be a slave/sub, not sure yet) that tricks and traps pretty girls for later usage. It is even rarer to see something like this from a female's first person POV. The novelty of it alone is hot and intriguing. Needless to say, I will probably read more to see where it goes.

However, your writing does need some work, so I'll point out a few things...

First of all, you are on pronoun overload. It's annoying, as a reader, to see too many pronouns. You want to include first names and titles in between bouts of pronouns to balance it out. We didn't learn Jason's name until the second chapter, I still don't know the female lead's name, and I don't have a name for the slave, either. It's all "he" and "she" and "they" and "him" and "her." Too many pronouns make it difficult to visualize characters. If you insist on staying away from first names, at least come up with titles like "the mistress" or "the pet" and use those to help readers figure out which pronoun refers to which person.

Secondly, a little more detail could add a sinister air to your overall story. Your premise is a kidnap, right? So, what happens after the kidnap? Wouldn't you look through your new toy's purse, to learn her name and maybe some of her secrets, which could be used to control her? How did you decide on the nature of your little 'trap'? And while talking about people and their interactions is a lot more fun than talking about places, a reader needs to be grounded in an environment to feel secure in the story line. Describe, in more detail, the place where the girl is kept. Are there evil implements along the wall? What do they look like? The mistress have a favorite, and why?

Thirdly, you have a lot of empty descriptors. Not a ton, mind you, but enough. Allow me to explain. Oftentimes, I can visualize what your MC is seeing, but I don't know how your MC feels about those sights. The new slave is obviously cute and the mistress finds her very attractive, but go into more detail. We all have body type preferences. What does our MC particularly like and what might she wish were altered? How does she feel, coiled on the ground pretending to cry? Evil? Guilty? Excited? And why? Some self reflection would add depth to her and the situation.

Finally, longer chapters would help increase your reader base. Bigger hunks attract an interested following.

Overall, great idea and half way decent writing. You have a lot of the elements I mentioned, but I think you need more. Also, try getting an editor. There is a lot of missing punctuation, which gets confusing.

HisPet21
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