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Old 12-17-2012, 09:50 PM   #1
thewantonwife
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BDSM and Marriage

Husband and I are curious how many married couples reading here have incorporated BDSM into their marriages.
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:27 PM   #2
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My husband and I are just starting, at my request. He's been amazingly supportive so far and has even found aspects of BDSM that are very appealing to him. We're moving slowly in regards to the physical aspects of our relationship. However, we've been moving more quickly in determining how my submission to him in other aspects of our life is going to work. So far, it's going well.
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:49 PM   #3
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It depends on what you mean by BDSM. To many it is being tied up and gotten off. I'm assuming you mean a lot more than that. It seems like you have fallen into the stereotype that BDSM people aren't normally married. I strongly disagree with that. It is very possible to have a BDSM relationship with your spouse. In fact I suggest that over single people being Doms and Subs, unless you just flat out don't want to ever be married. In any event, congratulations on trying to break that stereotype. My wife and I dabble from time to time. I wish we would dabble more than we do.
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Old 12-18-2012, 03:55 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thewantonwife View Post
Husband and I are curious how many married couples reading here have incorporated BDSM into their marriages.
I don't understand the question.
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Old 12-18-2012, 05:03 PM   #5
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Primalex - let me clarify this for you

We had posted this thread to see if there are any folks out there in long lasting committed closed relationships.
A lot of the folks we have encountered are;
1. in open marriages.
2. singles looking to be that 3rd person.
3. married and cheating on their spouse.
4. unmarried couples, together for 3 years or less, engaged in BDSM.
5. singles just looking to get their BDSM rocks off.
My Husband and i would like to know if there are any married couples, who read and respond to literotica threads, who have introduced and enjoy BDSM with their spouse.
It seems married, committed, non-poly couples are in the minority. We wanted to know if any are lurking in the shadows who would like to compare notes.
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:31 PM   #6
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I'm not going to go into how "committed" is a term that is applied to many poly relationships as well, and just say that yes, there are married couples in closed relationships out there who practice some sort of BDSM.

My marriage would have looked very D/s to most people, and I didn't even know what BDSM was at the time.

One thing I did find with the couple I'm currently involved with is that Mrs. doesn't like the idea of being submissive outside of the bedroom because she likes having equal or greater rule over their every day lives. But then, she's more of a dominate bottom than a submissive anyway. The point is though, that I'm sure that issue comes up with other couples as well. She likes being pushed around a bit in bed, but when it comes to how they're spending Saturday night, his word isn't law.

I'm sure any couple would have a bit of trouble with that when they have been equal for the majority of their lives together. For some people it's harder to give up control than for others.
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:40 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thewantonwife View Post
It seems married, committed, non-poly couples are in the minority.
No. No, they're not.
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:46 PM   #8
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My husband and I live our life as master/slave. Our relationship is built on our power-transfer. But I dont think we are who you are looking for either, since we didnt add BDSM to our relationship. We have always interacted from a dominant/submissive perspective. We live our M/s relationship every moment of every day.
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Old 12-18-2012, 06:53 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thewantonwife View Post
It seems married, committed, non-poly couples are in the minority.
No surprise. If you add even more adjectives, you will be able to reach zero.
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Old 12-18-2012, 07:04 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Primalex View Post
No surprise. If you add even more adjectives, you will be able to reach zero.
Well actually .... to be accurate:

Married, committed, non-poly couples who have been together a long time and then introduced BDSM into their marriage.
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Old 12-18-2012, 10:24 PM   #11
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The simple answer is yes (married 24 years, together for 30) the complicated answer is it is complicated *smile*. I can't speak for folks on this board since I don't know them, but there are a lot of married couples out there into bdsm in its various forms, some of them bedroom only, others d/s, etc......when I was into going to group meetings and open play parties and such there were significant numbers of married/committed couples (keep in mind that same sex couples in most places still can't marry, and there are plenty of long term couples who don't get married by choice.

In terms of how you make it work in a marriage, it is like anything else, up to the couple. The book "Different Loving " profiled some married couples, and like I said, got to know a number of them over the years, ranging from people who enjoyed light kinkly switch play in the bedroom to a couple where the wife was an avowed female supremacist.
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Old 12-19-2012, 02:03 AM   #12
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we are a married couple and we include BDSM in our relationship. we've been married for 12 years and it is strictly something that goes on in the bedroom. we both participate on lit also.
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Old 12-19-2012, 02:18 AM   #13
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My husband and I have been together for 6 years. He's 30, so that's a pretty significant chunk of our adult lives.

He did not know I was kinky immediately when he met me. I slowly and gradually introduced him to my kinks and got him comfortable with incorporating BDSM flavor into our relationship.

Our relationship has not really changed that much. I've always been submissive to my partners, regardless of if our relationship is "officially" a D/s one.

So yes, there are couples here who have been in long-term marriages who are kinky. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need advice or an ear.
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Old 12-19-2012, 02:33 AM   #14
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..........Why?
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:37 AM   #15
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..........Why?
because everyone needs to belong to a tribe of some sort.
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:45 AM   #16
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because everyone needs to belong to a tribe of some sort.
And when we look close enough at how others define married, closed, relationship, committed, incorporate, BDSM we still find ourselves very much alone.
So...why?
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Old 12-19-2012, 03:56 AM   #17
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because everyone needs to belong to a tribe of some sort.


So let's see. Het. Married. Man in charge. I'd say that's the 99 percent tribe.

Seriously, every time it's like "so how many of you are what we consider normal" I wonder why you have to bother peeking into alternative sexuality. You don't feel like you belong enough in the mainstream, but you can't possibly relate to the needs of committed open relationship people or horny homos who can't get married in X many states? I do not get it. Either you're outside of it, or you're feeling an affinity with people who are outside of it, you don't step outside of it and then feel invalidated because a lot of us don't prioritize this fitting into the norms.
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Last edited by Netzach : 12-19-2012 at 03:59 AM.
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Old 12-19-2012, 04:15 AM   #18
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So let's see. Het. Married. Man in charge. I'd say that's the 99 percent tribe.

Seriously, every time it's like "so how many of you are what we consider normal" I wonder why you have to bother peeking into alternative sexuality. You don't feel like you belong enough in the mainstream, but you can't possibly relate to the needs of committed open relationship people or horny homos who can't get married in X many states? I do not get it. Either you're outside of it, or you're feeling an affinity with people who are outside of it, you don't step outside of it and then feel invalidated because a lot of us don't prioritize this fitting into the norms.
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Old 12-19-2012, 04:52 AM   #19
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Hubby and I have been together for 9 years and have always had an element of kink in the bedroom though I didn't really think I was particularly kinky.
As for the D/S dynamic, I have tried to get him to explore his dominant side, and he has issues with it, so yes our relationship is now open as I have discovered I am very much a polyamourous personality and have needs he can't fulfill. On the flip side, he would love to titty fuck a short curvy voluptuous girl.
I must say, OP, you seem quite judgmental of people who don't fit within your criteria of a perfect BDSM style relationship. Just because you were able to cheat and then get what you want doesn't mean that every one else has the same dynamic, or that they are wrong for having a different POV.
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Old 12-19-2012, 05:47 AM   #20
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And when we look close enough at how others define married, closed, relationship, committed, incorporate, BDSM we still find ourselves very much alone.
So...why?
I'm not saying everyone is successful at finding a tribe, just-- that's why people ask questions like this one.

Quote:
Married, committed, non-poly couples who have been together a long time and then introduced BDSM into their marriage.
Hell honey, it's pretty damn hard to introduce BDSM into a married, committed poly relationship that's been going for a long time.

Thing about BDSM is it's primarily a sexual need. introducing it means that the couple have to make sex a priority for a while. Wee don't tend to deal well with sexual needs as a society, nor are many of us that great at dealing with complicated primal stuff on our own much less against someone elses complicated primal stuff.

What with one thing and another, BDSM can be the deal breaker as often as not.
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Old 12-19-2012, 06:39 AM   #21
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Seriously, every time it's like "so how many of you are what we consider normal" I wonder why you have to bother peeking into alternative sexuality. You don't feel like you belong enough in the mainstream, but you can't possibly relate to the needs of committed open relationship people or horny homos who can't get married in X many states?
Yes, this. I'm in a long-term relationship that you might as well call 'married', and we're poly - but the dynamic between us is still VERY similar to many monogamous couples that we know. (Or at least, as similar to them as they are to one another.)
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Old 12-19-2012, 06:58 AM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Stella_Omega View Post
I'm not saying everyone is successful at finding a tribe, just-- that's why people ask questions like this one.

Hell honey, it's pretty damn hard to introduce BDSM into a married, committed poly relationship that's been going for a long time.

Thing about BDSM is it's primarily a sexual need. introducing it means that the couple have to make sex a priority for a while. Wee don't tend to deal well with sexual needs as a society, nor are many of us that great at dealing with complicated primal stuff on our own much less against someone elses complicated primal stuff.

What with one thing and another, BDSM can be the deal breaker as often as not.
Exclusion is just not a very nice way to find your way into a tribe.
I'd say "Hey cool, kinky people!" would be better at that stage.
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Old 12-19-2012, 07:56 AM   #23
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Exclusion is just not a very nice way to find your way into a tribe.
I'd say "Hey cool, kinky people!" would be better at that stage.
I think that judging the OP as trying to exclude people would be exactly the opposite point of this post.

The OP FEELS excluded, because as the post detailed, they haven't met many, if any, monogamous hetero couples.

They want to know if they are common, if there are more out there in the kink world.

This isn't about exclusion in a sense that the OP is actively saying, "non-monogamous non-hetero people are weird, come save us!", it's more of a "We feel alone here, can someone let us know we're amongst others of our flavor of relationship?"

Automatically condemning people as being exclusionary without examining your snap judgement as possibly the very thing you're judging the OP for isn't constructive.
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Old 12-19-2012, 09:05 AM   #24
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Quote:
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I think that judging the OP as trying to exclude people would be exactly the opposite point of this post.

The OP FEELS excluded, because as the post detailed, they haven't met many, if any, monogamous hetero couples.

They want to know if they are common, if there are more out there in the kink world.

This isn't about exclusion in a sense that the OP is actively saying, "non-monogamous non-hetero people are weird, come save us!", it's more of a "We feel alone here, can someone let us know we're amongst others of our flavor of relationship?"

Automatically condemning people as being exclusionary without examining your snap judgement as possibly the very thing you're judging the OP for isn't constructive.
As someone already pointed out, being married to someone of the opposite sex and mono is the 99% tribe.
This is not OP:s first post though and OP seems very focused on the married and committed in a monogamous way.
I'll readily admit though that the post rubbed me the wrong way so I might be overreacting. On the other hand it wouldn't be the first time we had tiring mono/poly discussion here though, would it?
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Old 12-19-2012, 12:55 PM   #25
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I think that judging the OP as trying to exclude people would be exactly the opposite point of this post.
O
The OP FEELS excluded, because as the post detailed, they haven't met many, if any, monogamous hetero couples.

They want to know if they are common, if there are more out there in the kink world.

This isn't about exclusion in a sense that the OP is actively saying, "non-monogamous non-hetero people are weird, come save us!", it's more of a "We feel alone here, can someone let us know we're amongst others of our flavor of relationship?"

Automatically condemning people as being exclusionary without examining your snap judgement as possibly the very thing you're judging the OP for isn't constructive.
Very well said!
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