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Old 12-11-2012, 10:24 AM   #26
Sir_Winston54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JMohegan View Post
My advice is to look up the verb "submit" in Webster's, and then rethink how to describe what you're looking for here.

....

I mention the above to underline the following point. What I "get" is that kinksters are not a monolithic bunch.

The more adept you become at understanding your own needs & desires - the actual needs, not the labels - the better you'll be able to recognize an appropriate match.
Oh, there you go, being all logical and sensible and stuff. Don't you know how annoying that is?
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Old 12-11-2012, 09:03 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sir_Winston54 View Post
Oh, there you go, being all logical and sensible and stuff. Don't you know how annoying that is?
Ha, sorry!
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Old 12-11-2012, 09:56 PM   #28
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Last edited by plpg : 12-19-2012 at 12:15 AM.
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Old 12-11-2012, 10:56 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by plpg View Post
"Oh, you asked for help because you're mostly clueless? Go read a dictionary because I can offer no further insight than exact denotation, part of speech, and entomology." Excellent advice. Always well received.

Anyway, just to update any interested parties. I think I've gotten some very good "put me on the right-track" notes from many of you! I got a few book recommendations: "The Loving Dominant," "S-M 101," and "Erotic Surrender" (contrary to the sound of the title, not a romance novel). Has anyone read these or have any other recommends; I love to read.

Also, a few people suggested going to a Munch, but that sort of intimidates me. Anyone have some first hand experience of what usually happens at an event like that?

I've got it now that I need to have a less nebulous idea of what exactly I like/want, and I'm getting a clearer picture of what those likes/wants are as I learn more.

Thanks for all replies (smart asses, that includes you). This is slowly becoming less intimidating and way more fun.
The Loving Dominant - good read, practical. Although as with any book on BDSM, you are getting THAT PARTICULAR AUTHOR'S VIEW of a healthy BDSM d/s dynamic. (BTW, John Warren is active on FetLife if you want to read more of his views; I believe his user nick is simply his name.)

S-M 101 -no clue.

Erotic Surrender - I think I read that one ages ago, but can't quite remember.

I went though a phase where I read just about every research-style book on D/s I could get my hands on. From laid back newbie stuff, to strict household manual style relationships. I read books on the psychology of BDSM; I even attended a weekend conference (although I only went for the classes, and didn't go near the social stuff/dungeons).

In the end I decided that *for me* it was just a bunch of woo-woo magic that didn't apply.My personal "style" of submission involves letting my lover run the show, and working to make his life better. No training, no titles, no collars, no positions, etc. He gets what he wants and needs, even when what he wants and needs isn't necessarily what *I* want and need... although I've gotten smart enough in my old age to put a high priority on life-compatibility, which makes the whole "want and need" thing less stressful than it could be.

As for munches, they aren't scary. You usually go to X restaurant, put on a name tag with your "scene name" (or if you're a weirdo like me, your name), grab a diet coke/beer/food and socialize. There may be representatives from local organizations at various tables you can talk to, or it might just be one of those sit around and chit chat things. There may or may not be an after-munch gathering at a local dungeon, but you don't have to go if you don't' want to.
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Old 12-12-2012, 11:37 AM   #30
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Quote:
Originally Posted by plpg View Post
"Oh, you asked for help because you're mostly clueless? Go read a dictionary because I can offer no further insight than exact denotation, part of speech, and entomology." Excellent advice. Always well received.

Anyway, just to update any interested parties. I think I've gotten some very good "put me on the right-track" notes from many of you! I got a few book recommendations: "The Loving Dominant," "S-M 101," and "Erotic Surrender" (contrary to the sound of the title, not a romance novel). Has anyone read these or have any other recommends; I love to read.

Also, a few people suggested going to a Munch, but that sort of intimidates me. Anyone have some first hand experience of what usually happens at an event like that?

I've got it now that I need to have a less nebulous idea of what exactly I like/want, and I'm getting a clearer picture of what those likes/wants are as I learn more.

Thanks for all replies (smart asses, that includes you). This is slowly becoming less intimidating and way more fun.
S-M 101 is Jay Wiseman, and it's written well. It's a bit dated, now (for finding partners though), but the basic safety concerns addressed are still valid, and the how-to sections on various erotic practices is great. It would give you some ideas of things to try. It would also give you background.

I've not read Erotic Surrender, or The Loving Dominant.

Like Cutie Mouse... my submission involves letting ddh run the show. He hates rules, and most rituals because they become things he *has to do*. The one exception-- changing clothes for me after work to let me get my head back in the relationship game. Otherwise, he would be as bound by the rules/training etc., he set up for me as I am. He doesn't like that... so spontaneity is what I get. It's not exactly what I wanted... but *I* want what he wants so... I get dominated as he wants to dominate me. If that makes any sense at all...
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Old 12-13-2012, 01:12 AM   #31
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1. Don't discount a partner simply because they aren't the ones to bring up the issue of kinks. BDSM is still stigmatized by many in the society; a dom/top probably has a lot of reservations about confessing that to someone they've only recently met.

2. However, you definitely will have better luck in getting your needs met by picking your partners when their interests are clearly stated. Some online dating sites allow users to answer very specific questions regarding their sexual interests. Or more kink-obvious places like fetlife and munches.

3. I'd just like to reiterate what CutieMouse said about munches. I went to two about 1-2 years ago. Yes they aren't scary. You may be feeling self-conscious when you go for the first time, but truth is that from the outside, it just looks like a normal group of people (people don't dress in kink). No one else would know who you are or why you're there. You'll also be in a public area (restaurant), you may talk about kinks but definitely no one will be able to do anything to you without your consent. In my particular case, the people at the munch decided to go to a dungeon afterwards. Again, that may sound scary, but remember, it's totally ok to decline and peel away from the group, and it's also totally ok to go into a dungeon and not play at all. I didn't get into anything remotely sexual when I went to the dungeon with them. All I did was watching and talking with others, trying to find out more about the lifestyle.

In short, you only do what is comfortable for you, and absolutely nothing more. And people will understand and respect that.
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Old 12-13-2012, 02:21 AM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Sonja View Post
Like Cutie Mouse... my submission involves letting ddh run the show. He hates rules, and most rituals because they become things he *has to do*. The one exception-- changing clothes for me after work to let me get my head back in the relationship game. Otherwise, he would be as bound by the rules/training etc., he set up for me as I am. He doesn't like that... so spontaneity is what I get. It's not exactly what I wanted... but *I* want what he wants so... I get dominated as he wants to dominate me. If that makes any sense at all...
That makes perfect sense to me.

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