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Old 12-10-2012, 12:42 AM   #1
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:00 AM   #2
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Hey there!
I always ask people to read the essay linked in my sig-- because I don't always know if people mean the same thing by "Dom/sub" as I do--

see if it stirs up any other questions or lines of inquiry for you.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:04 AM   #3
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:08 AM   #4
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Welcome to Lit.

The biggest thing that jumped out at me about your post was the concept that it felt like "playing", the disillusionment felt re: coming up with suggestions (as the submissive) and the whole "magic of being submissive" thing.

1) What does "dominance" look like to you? How do *you* define it?

2) No one is a mind reader; not even dominants. Ya gotta talk about what & how this power exchange stuff pushes your buttons, or your buttons might not get pushed. (Or they might get pushed in the not so sexy fun times way.) communication does not negate submission.)

3) The magic comment makes me wonder how much of your concept if BDSM comes from erotica/porn and how much comes from less fictional used resources? 'Cause lemme tell ya, there isn't a hell of a lot of magic in cleaning a soap scum filled shower, or giving a lover the distance he needs.

4) (Nod to Stella) There are more options out there than Dom/sub. Topping & bottoming are just as valid as D/s, with fewer (IMO) cultural/kinky social hang ups.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:18 AM   #5
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Even in D/s there are more options then sweet little receptive subby her and big strong penetrative dominant him. Like, sweet little receptive dominant her, big strong submissive penetrative him.

I mean.. just a thought.

And there's nothing wrong with teaching a partner how to take control. Like training a horse in Dressage, yanno, and then you can let the reins loose and the horse carries you so well you become a passenger, dropping your dominance for the duration.
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:25 AM   #6
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Old 12-10-2012, 01:34 AM   #7
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:29 AM   #8
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That's exactly what I wonder myself: how much is what I want based on my limited, glossed-over interactions with an obviously complex, esoteric culture. But at the same time, how can I cull reality from unrealistic ideal without trying to see if it's a fit? So, I figure, let's try it. Then the issue becomes how and with who and like you said, what do I want. It's a lot of questions, and I don't really know where to begin.

And, unfortunately, yes, no one is a mind reader, but at the very least, it'd be nice to find someone in the same headspace, naturally interested, excited participant.

I don't think I want to scrub soap scum, though. That much I have figured out.
There's a saying here on Lit that bears repeating:

You can't beat a good vanilla.

Basically, you can't turn a vanilla person into a kinky person. They're either kinky or they're not. You can only either only date people you KNOW are kinky before you date them (meet them on a site where their kinks are openly displayed: I.E. Fetlife's fetish list, etc) or just be satisfied with a vanilla person "topping" you in the bedroom occasionally.

Those are your two choices. Get a kinky person or don't and deal with your choices.

I wish it were easier than that, but it's just as much of an inborn "orientation" as sexual orientation is. As I said above in my previous post.
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:51 AM   #9
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:56 AM   #10
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You might have some luck joining fetlife.com which is facebook for kinksters, and is quickly becoming the hub for news of groups and events -- you can look for your area and see what's up. I have friends who use collarme and OKCupid to focus their romantic aim a little more accurately.

Just remember-- you have to know what you want. Pretty specifically, when you're talking to men, who do not like winks and hints-- especially not when the lady is hinting at something that could land them in jail if it turns out she wasn't hinting like that after all.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:17 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CutieMouse View Post
Welcome to Lit.

The biggest thing that jumped out at me about your post was the concept that it felt like "playing", the disillusionment felt re: coming up with suggestions (as the submissive) and the whole "magic of being submissive" thing.

1) What does "dominance" look like to you? How do *you* define it?

2) No one is a mind reader; not even dominants. Ya gotta talk about what & how this power exchange stuff pushes your buttons, or your buttons might not get pushed. (Or they might get pushed in the not so sexy fun times way.) communication does not negate submission.)

3) The magic comment makes me wonder how much of your concept if BDSM comes from erotica/porn and how much comes from less fictional used resources? 'Cause lemme tell ya, there isn't a hell of a lot of magic in cleaning a soap scum filled shower, or giving a lover the distance he needs.

4) (Nod to Stella) There are more options out there than Dom/sub. Topping & bottoming are just as valid as D/s, with fewer (IMO) cultural/kinky social hang ups.
Cutie Mouse for the win... especially #3. This is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. Submission does involve submitting, and that means doing what another person wants... so if that's a scummy shower, or cooking meals, or applying for a new job, or (worst of all imo, attending a gun show)... that's what you do.

Of course there's still a relationship there and communication must take place, but 24/7 submission is an awful lot of... "I don't wanna, but I'm gonna because PYL wants me to... and I get a whole lot of pleasure out of pleasing PYL."
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:26 PM   #12
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Cutie Mouse for the win... especially #3. This is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. Submission does involve submitting, and that means doing what another person wants... so if that's a scummy shower, or cooking meals, or applying for a new job, or (worst of all imo, attending a gun show)... that's what you do.
Red, red!

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Of course there's still a relationship there and communication must take place, but 24/7 submission is an awful lot of... "I don't wanna, but I'm gonna because PYL wants me to... and I get a whole lot of pleasure out of pleasing PYL."
From time to time, it's also an awful lot of "I don't wanna, but I'm gonna because PYL wants me to, even if right now I don't get any pleasure out of pleasing PYL".

At least for me.
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Old 12-10-2012, 12:38 PM   #13
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From time to time, it's also an awful lot of "I don't wanna, but I'm gonna because PYL wants me to, even if right now I don't get any pleasure out of pleasing PYL".

At least for me.
Yep... that is also part of it. Especially the gun show part, but maybe that's just me.
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:44 PM   #14
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i would like to guide you...

it sounds as if you are aching to be tamed, but would fight it and thus need a firm hand...please allow me.
best,
jake
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:47 PM   #15
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it sounds as if you are aching to be tamed, but would fight it and thus need a firm hand...please allow me.
best,
jake
Oyyyy...

First-ever post on Lit.
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Old 12-10-2012, 02:48 PM   #16
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it sounds as if you are aching to be tamed, but would fight it and thus need a firm hand...please allow me.
best,
jake
That seems rather presumptuous.
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Old 12-10-2012, 03:06 PM   #17
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Oyyyy...

First-ever post on Lit.
And quite possibly the last... *crosses fingers*
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Old 12-10-2012, 03:12 PM   #18
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Hey look everyone! It's a live-action Asshat PM!
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Old 12-10-2012, 03:20 PM   #19
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Hey look everyone! It's a live-action Asshat PM!
You know... even if you hadn't helped me out with the latisse suggestion for my lack of eyelashes... this post would still make me you.
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Old 12-10-2012, 03:27 PM   #20
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You know... even if you hadn't helped me out with the latisse suggestion for my lack of eyelashes... this post would still make me you.
Aww, you're a doll!
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Old 12-10-2012, 05:54 PM   #21
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You can only either only date people you KNOW are kinky before you date them (meet them on a site where their kinks are openly displayed: I.E. Fetlife's fetish list, etc) or just be satisfied with a vanilla person "topping" you in the bedroom occasionally.

Those are your two choices.
So there are no people who are kinky and who decide to not blurt it out in your world? Fascinating.
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Old 12-10-2012, 08:06 PM   #22
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So there are no people who are kinky and who decide to not blurt it out in your world? Fascinating.
I get what you mean, but if someone is seriously looking for a "kinky" other, that's something that should be addressed before the actual relationship starts. Yunno, kinda like how if a guy tries to flirt with me, I tell him up-front that I'm gay and not interested, instead of letting him flirt without knowing if it will go anywhere?
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Old 12-10-2012, 10:58 PM   #23
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So there are no people who are kinky and who decide to not blurt it out in your world? Fascinating.
Troll harder, please? I didn't quite get the deliberate obtuseness for the sake of picking fights.
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Old 12-10-2012, 11:27 PM   #24
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When I was starting out in Kink (and this could date me, but...) the KinkFo on CL used to be a great place to hang out. Conversation was vibrant and fun. And occasionally, folks would get together and organize munches (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Munch_(BDSM)) which were pretty chill and fun. I think since then, times have changed.

FetLife is good, but is also a mixed bag, like any online option. You'll *definitely* meet people who are kinky. You may or may not meet people that are kinky *and* that you like. But it's a promising start.

SatinDesire said it best: you can't "turn" a vanilla person into a kinky person, even if plenty of vanilla people experience a thrill when you propose kink to them. Good luck out there The first step is recognizing that you're kinky.
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Old 12-11-2012, 01:06 AM   #25
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Hi!

I'm hoping some more experienced people can help me. I've always been really curious of and attracted to Sub/Dom type relationships and sex. When I was married, I expresed my interest to my then husband, and he tried to play along. And since our divorce, most of the guys I've dated have also tried to "play along,"--some more successful than others. But the problem is just that, it always seems like playing. Add to that feeling the fact that I'm usually the one bringing up this "preference" and suggesting scenarios; so, I completely lose the magic of being submissive. It doesn't really feel right to have to tell your supposedly dominant partner how you want to be dominated. Am I wrong in that feeling? I sometimes get the suspicion that maybe I've built up this ideal of a BDSM relationship, of having a master, to be something far from the truth of how the relationships really start and work.

I get so frustrated because 1. I have no one to talk to about my questions and curiosities and 2. I really just want to try all the things that excite me about being submissive with someone who, maybe, and just go with me on this, actually knows what the heck they're doing.

Any advice, anecdotes, clarifications, etc, would be much appreciated.

Also, this is my first time posting; so, a brief introduction: I'm 27, Spanish, divorced, bookish, techy, and I identify with being "bratty." That's the only thing anyone has ever illuminated for me with regards to about my submissive "personality."

Have a swell night, y'all--hope to get some helpful responses.
My advice is to look up the verb "submit" in Webster's, and then rethink how to describe what you're looking for here.

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Exactly; in a way, my perception is that you either "get it" or you don't. I like the idea of finding a partner that is already into kinky--not just because I brought it up during the ever-fascinating, "What's your fantasy" conversation.
I'm already kinky, and have been actively so for my entire sexual existence. I don't belong to Fetlife, and have never belonged to anything like it. I prefer fishing in the allegedly vanilla pool, and have zero interest in a relationship with a brat.

I mention the above to underline the following point. What I "get" is that kinksters are not a monolithic bunch.

The more adept you become at understanding your own needs & desires - the actual needs, not the labels - the better you'll be able to recognize an appropriate match.
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