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Old 12-06-2012, 09:49 PM   #1
LaRascasse
I dream, therefore I am
 
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Things you NEVER want to hear while having sex

The title says it all. Have fun. I'll get us started.

"I hope you don't have AIDS. I don't want to catch it again."

Or the classic

"Honey! I'm home."
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My stories in case you are interested. Offbeat, unconventional and just a bit dark. Just a bit, I swear


In the midst of hate, I found there was, within me, an invincible love.
In the midst of tears, I found there was, within me, an invincible smile.
In the midst of chaos, I found there was, within me, an invincible calm.
I realized, through it all, that…
In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.
-Albert Camus
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:00 PM   #2
sr71plt
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"Harold? I thought you said your name was Carol!"
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"I don;t spend time checking on what other people are doing, I just worry about my own shit." -- Lovecraft68

"although I may come across here as somewhat abrasive at times I respect people's efforts and take feelings into consideration." -- Lovecraft68
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:47 PM   #3
Boxlicker101
Licker of Boxes
 
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I hope I get my HIV test results back from the clinic today.
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100% smut or stroke, and proud of it.

The Rest of My Smut

Dirty old man.
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:50 PM   #4
Dual_Triode
Hot Music Glows Inside
 
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"Is it in yet?"
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I thought I was confused, but now I'm not sure...
~ me :-)

It is better to understand little than to misunderstand many things.
~ fortune cookie


If you could give up tricks and cleverness, that would be the cleverest trick!
~ Rumi


Dual_Triode's Submissions
AH Directory Entry

In case my avatar doesn't explain my screen name, a dual triode is a kind of vacuum tube.
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:51 PM   #5
MarcelineTheVampireQueen
Loves Spam
 
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So can we discuss our wedding plans?
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Old 12-06-2012, 10:59 PM   #6
YDB95
Really Really Experienced
 
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"I wish we were making a baby."

My ex said that to me once - she was out of work, and I was a grad student living on a stipend. Just...no!
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Latest story: Elizabeth V: Christmas Troubles (Romance)


Highest-rated story to date: Decades Chapter 3


My favorites:
Elizabeth: An Introduction (Romance/Fetish)
A Rose for Christmas (Romance/Holiday Contest)
Nobody's Beauty But Mine (Erotic Couplings)
The Blizzard (First Time/Holiday Contest)
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Old 12-06-2012, 11:57 PM   #7
McKenna
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Are you done yet?
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:01 AM   #8
glynndah
Good little witch.
 
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Bang!
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"When did I go from the good little witch to the not good enough for you little witch?"
"If you could read my mind, love, what a tale my thoughts could tell."
"A picture may be worth a thousand words, but sometimes just a few carefully chosen words can inspire thousands of pictures."
"My! People come and go so quickly here!"
“Technically, a witch is always a lady, except when circumstances dictate otherwise.”

"A from a good witch brings a week of good luck!"

My stories Summer Lovin' contest entries: Welcome, Class of... Balloons and a Blue Ribbon
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:01 AM   #9
sr71plt
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"Are you sure that's how your pit bull smiles?"
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"I don;t spend time checking on what other people are doing, I just worry about my own shit." -- Lovecraft68

"although I may come across here as somewhat abrasive at times I respect people's efforts and take feelings into consideration." -- Lovecraft68
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:24 AM   #10
Cruel2BKind
Things Fall Apart
 
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'I have to poop'
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http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions


These be my stories, if you be interested!

Most are gay male, though I have two that are straight, and one that is a How to.

I tend to go for the darker stuff... But people seem to like it okay!
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:33 AM   #11
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
 
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"They pop open sometimes. Don't worry about it."
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I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:34 AM   #12
sr71plt
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"I know you said you take your mother everywhere you go, but . . ."
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"I don;t spend time checking on what other people are doing, I just worry about my own shit." -- Lovecraft68

"although I may come across here as somewhat abrasive at times I respect people's efforts and take feelings into consideration." -- Lovecraft68
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:39 AM   #13
Kikoro
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This applies to just about anything, not just sex...

"Here, hold my beer. Watch this!"
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:42 AM   #14
loquere
It's time
 
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Smile

What's your name again?
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:42 AM   #15
loquere
It's time
 
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Smile

Are you in yet?
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Old 12-07-2012, 12:44 AM   #16
loquere
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No, I really need to get the phone it's my doctor, with the results.
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Old 12-07-2012, 01:07 AM   #17
loquere
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Smile

Honey I was born a man
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Old 12-07-2012, 01:08 AM   #18
loquere
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Smile

I'm having a heart attack
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Old 12-07-2012, 01:13 AM   #19
loquere
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I couldn't find the KY. I used peanut butter instead. Wait, whys your face swelling up.
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Old 12-07-2012, 02:18 AM   #20
HeyAll
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"You realize this isn't free right?"
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Evelyn, My Sister- Siblings reflect on their life growing up together.
Object of Mom's Affection- Jill gives her son a unique gift.

The Office Slut- A perfect good girl becomes a corporate whore.
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Old 12-07-2012, 02:57 AM   #21
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
 
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"That's my brother, just ignore him."
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I used to be disgusted, now I'm just amused.

Never be led astray into the paths of virtue.

Artists are misunderstood. Not by people, but by themselves.

Life is but active anguish in a context of flux.

"Popularity is not whether people like you, it's how many people would like you to like them." Anon.

"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." Mark Twain (Samuel L. Clemens)

"Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret." Ambrose Bierce

"When my ugly ol' car won't climb the hill, I'll write a suicide note on a hundred dollar bill." 'Heavy Fuel' Dire Straits

"I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, the sinners are much more fun ..." 'Only the Good Die Young' Billy Joel

TE's stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
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Old 12-07-2012, 03:05 AM   #22
redhot_363236
Virgin
 
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Oh no, that's not a strap on
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Old 12-07-2012, 04:23 AM   #23
Bramblethorn
Mallory Heart Surgeon.
 
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"By the way, I'm a violent transphobe." (Or homophobe.)
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Old 12-07-2012, 05:28 AM   #24
MSTarot
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"Eighteen?" Giggle "Who said I was eighteen?"

Also the above phrase followed with the ratchet sound of a pump shotgun being worked.
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Old 12-07-2012, 06:15 AM   #25
lovecraft68
Not one of the cool kids
 
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Wow, you're tighter than my mom

Or

You're not as big as my daddy
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The first Literotica tag team competition is underway! Check them out, vote comment and PM me your guesses!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions


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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDdmtJCEWPA
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