Old 12-05-2012, 02:23 AM   #1
shelbakk
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My first story

Have a read of my first story please and tell me what you think. I know there was a lot of grammer issues, but I hope the story was a little exciting?!

http://www.literotica.com/s/my-born-...christian-wife
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Old 12-05-2012, 05:11 AM   #2
CWatson
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Well, first off, I'm not the audience for your story anyhow: I don't find this sort of thing appealing. So the fact that it wasn't too hot to me probably won't make too big a difference overall.

However, it will to your actual audience, because you made the... interesting decision to publish in "Loving Wives". The problem with Loving Wives is very simple: some readers go to it to see wives loving their husbands, and some go to it to see wives loving men who are not their husbands. "Cheating" is a fetish, and in the absence of a specific category for it here on Literotica, most of those stories go into LW. And the two audiences wage wars there with stories as their battleground. Now, your particular tale might please or turn off members of either category, so what you should expect is to see a perfect 3.5 in scores: everyone will vote either 1 or 5, depending on why they're there, and the scores will be more about their personal taste than whether the story was actually any, you know, good.

Personally, I was turned off by the spelling, punctuation and (occasionally) miscapitalization errors. I know that, where you're sitting, they don't seem very important, but when it comes to writing, the details are the only thing that's important. They allow meaning to be transmitted. The difference between the sentences "Let's eat, Grandma!" and "Let's eat Grandma!" are expressed in only one tiny little tick of the pencil or flick of a key--the comma--and yet have vastly different meanings. Fiction, like all writing, is about transmitting meanings... and so when The Reader sees someone being sloppy about the details, he becomes cautious about how much he's going to commit to the story. He knows--for a fact--that you either are incapable of transmitting it correctly, or don't care very much if you get it wrong.

I know it's tempting to say that The Story is the important thing, not these niggling details; but the truth is that claiming you can write well without observing the rules of English is like claiming that you can drive safely while ignoring red lights: there are certain circumstances in which this might be true, but not many.

Other than all that, I feel like your biggest problem is that you end a bit too quickly. I want to know what Ed thought at the end of it. I want to know how the narrator felt at the end of it. I want to know what the wife felt the next morning! I'm not gonna lie: what your character does to his wife is, from a technical standpoint, not dissimilar to using a date rape drug on her. Now, yeah, there are readers (and writers!) who get off on this, and that's all well and good, but the thing is that if you do this to your wife in real life, then you have to live with her tomorrow. Depending on her reaction, your narrator may not have actually solved anything--in fact, he may have made things worse!, if she chooses to be offended and, say, file for divorce. The story feels like it's without any sense of consequence--that the sexual adventure was an end in itself, not a means. There are people who like their stories like this, and people who prefer the sense that something was gained or created or at least changed by the sex. It's your choice which demographic to focus on. But I think most readers, regardless of their camp, would agree that some sense of wrap-up would have been nice.

That's all I've got. Hope it helps.
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Old 12-05-2012, 10:02 PM   #3
shelbakk
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CWatson View Post
Well, first off, I'm not the audience for your story anyhow: I don't find this sort of thing appealing. So the fact that it wasn't too hot to me probably won't make too big a difference overall.

However, it will to your actual audience, because you made the... interesting decision to publish in "Loving Wives". The problem with Loving Wives is very simple: some readers go to it to see wives loving their husbands, and some go to it to see wives loving men who are not their husbands. "Cheating" is a fetish, and in the absence of a specific category for it here on Literotica, most of those stories go into LW. And the two audiences wage wars there with stories as their battleground. Now, your particular tale might please or turn off members of either category, so what you should expect is to see a perfect 3.5 in scores: everyone will vote either 1 or 5, depending on why they're there, and the scores will be more about their personal taste than whether the story was actually any, you know, good.

Personally, I was turned off by the spelling, punctuation and (occasionally) miscapitalization errors. I know that, where you're sitting, they don't seem very important, but when it comes to writing, the details are the only thing that's important. They allow meaning to be transmitted. The difference between the sentences "Let's eat, Grandma!" and "Let's eat Grandma!" are expressed in only one tiny little tick of the pencil or flick of a key--the comma--and yet have vastly different meanings. Fiction, like all writing, is about transmitting meanings... and so when The Reader sees someone being sloppy about the details, he becomes cautious about how much he's going to commit to the story. He knows--for a fact--that you either are incapable of transmitting it correctly, or don't care very much if you get it wrong.

I know it's tempting to say that The Story is the important thing, not these niggling details; but the truth is that claiming you can write well without observing the rules of English is like claiming that you can drive safely while ignoring red lights: there are certain circumstances in which this might be true, but not many.

Other than all that, I feel like your biggest problem is that you end a bit too quickly. I want to know what Ed thought at the end of it. I want to know how the narrator felt at the end of it. I want to know what the wife felt the next morning! I'm not gonna lie: what your character does to his wife is, from a technical standpoint, not dissimilar to using a date rape drug on her. Now, yeah, there are readers (and writers!) who get off on this, and that's all well and good, but the thing is that if you do this to your wife in real life, then you have to live with her tomorrow. Depending on her reaction, your narrator may not have actually solved anything--in fact, he may have made things worse!, if she chooses to be offended and, say, file for divorce. The story feels like it's without any sense of consequence--that the sexual adventure was an end in itself, not a means. There are people who like their stories like this, and people who prefer the sense that something was gained or created or at least changed by the sex. It's your choice which demographic to focus on. But I think most readers, regardless of their camp, would agree that some sense of wrap-up would have been nice.

That's all I've got. Hope it helps.
thank you very much. This was my first time and I was unaware I could choose which catagory to post it in. Will try again soon.
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