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Old 12-03-2012, 02:56 PM   #1
KitaRenee
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Advice? (update)

EDIT/UPDATE: As of last night... We've talked a lot and have decided we're taking a break for a while to have some space and time to figure out our own stuff. And actually, we've been getting along better all day than we have for the last few months! As of right now, we're still living together for a while until we can afford to go our separate ways, still sharing a bed and being affectionate with each other, and everything is surprisingly comfortable... it's so so much less stressful! It's unconventional I guess, but it seems to be working well for us so far. I'm a little sad but mostly relieved, and he seems to be feeling the same... he actually said today that he was content for the first time in a really long time, like a weight had been lifted. All the built up tension and stress is gone and we still care a lot about each other.

Thanks everyone for your advice, it was all a lot of help, and I am still making him get checked out medically and whatnot.

I'm single for the first time in 7 years, and there is so much that I want to experience, and now I don't have to feel guilty for wanting that. I'm a little terrified, but mostly just really excited for the potential of the future!

-KR




Hi all!

Long time lurker, figured I'd finally make an account to try to get some advice from people who are a bit more sexual and anonymous than my friends lol. Dunno if this is the right place to post this, but there is an aspect of kink/fetish to the story, and it didn't seem to fit anywhere else?

So, here is the basic situation: I am 26, my boyfriend is 35. We've been together for 5 years, we live together, share finances, etc. etc. (aka are practically married). I love this guy a lot and he is very good to me. Our relationship is almost perfect BUT... I have a super high sex drive and he has a combo of a super low libido and problems with PE. We have sex an average of once every 3 months or so, it lasts less than 2 minutes, and he winds up apologizing and feeling like shit, despite my constant reassurances and telling him that I enjoy sex with him even if I don't have an orgasm.

This is something we've talked about over the years, but he's embarrassed and resistant to go to the doctor and see if there is any kind of physical fix... he pretty much assumes that he's broken and nothing will help, or that it's all in his head because of some bad sexual experiences with mean girls when he was young, and I think he'd rather go on the way things are than go to a doctor and find out there is something seriously wrong or that he is unfixable, whatever. So basically he just blows it off. I have tried nagging, I've tried leaving him alone, I've tried just being encouraging, I've tried presenting him with research and advice for people with PE, nothing works. Recently it's gotten to the point where I'm so frustrated with the situation that I have taken off the kid gloves and just flat out told him how much the whole thing bugs me. As much as I try to play it off like it's not important because I don't want to hurt his feelings, we need to find SOME solution to this issue because I'm going insane.

I'm not a cheater, and I don't want to betray him in any way. I truly love him and can't imagine not being with him. But I need some kind of outlet. I masturbate a LOT, but that isn't cutting it anymore, and I really am craving penetration. I would love to fuck other people if he would give me permission to do so, but he's really vanilla and I don't think that is something he could ever be comfortable with (though I have brought it up in conversation to kind of put that idea in his head and see what he thinks, but he is not super talkative when we have these conversations, he just "absorbs what I'm saying" and makes non-committal noises, so it's hard to tell what he's thinking). I identify as bi even though I haven't had experience with a girl, and I think he would be okay with me having a girlfriend, but that isn't really what I want right now, I'm needing penis! I have been trying to explore other outlets to keep myself somewhat satisfied, but it's not the same.

(I also told him the other day that if we were to have just started dating right now I would want to be in an open relationship, and that I feel like I'm missing out on being in my 20s because I settled down so early. And if it is helpful information, I just finally got put on some meds for depression and social anxiety, so I'm feeling a lot more independent lately and wanting to be stupid and experiment and do all the things that I used to be afraid of. Not feeling reckless or risk-taking, just the things I feel like I missed by being a codependent hermit for the past however many years)

So, shy of being in a state of constant state of sexual frustration, cheating on him, or the unlikely scenario that he decides to let me sleep with other people... Any suggestions? I want us both to be happy and it seems like we're at a standstill. Thanks for any input! ^_^

Last edited by KitaRenee : 01-25-2013 at 04:55 AM.
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Old 12-03-2012, 03:19 PM   #2
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Well, that is quite a spot. It seems to me that you are doing the right thing in taking the open and honest approach. Too bad he is not steeping up and discussing it with you.

Duration: I wonder if you can get him to go round two? It is not uncommon for a man to feel no desire after his 1st release. It used to happen to me big time when I was younger. I would just work through it, because I knew my wife wanted it, and in a few minutes (or 15) I would be back in the saddle, super aroused, and able to last much longer the 2nd time. It is ironic that 30 years ago I came too fast and had to work on that for my wife's sake. Now it is the other way around and I have to sometimes stop before I cum so I don't hurt her, but she gets off multiple times... You could also practice edging with him. A woman who knows what she is doing can get me off in minutes, but can also make me last an hour or more by taking actions to stretch the pleasure, and the release at the end of that is intense! Also practicing edging will help him gain control of his responses and get better at lasting. He can have an effect on that but he'll have to put in the effort and it is a fun effort. Gee I have to cum a bunch of times to get better at cumming... LOL

Frequency: Again when I was younger I would get super preoccupied with my job / career and not think about other things. Thankfully my wife would take the initiative sometimes and make things happen way more often than I might have on my own. Sometimes I was tired and not that receptive at 1st, but it is hard to say no to stroking and sucking, or a nice pretty wet pussy staring you in the face :-) I wonder if you can get him going more often?

The Kink Factor: It sounds like your are just fundamentally more adventurous than he is. Will he change ? Who knows. I am definitely more kinky now than when I was younger, and my wife is less so. Go figure.

In the end you'll have to decide whether this situation will work in the long run. You are already thinking of straying so I think the answer may be no. You may have to have some more honest conversations with him. Ultimately relationships require hard work by both parties to remain viable. If he will not work on parts that are important to you then that says something. Perhaps there are things that he would like you to change and a quid pro quo can be established.

In any case I wish you the best of luck.
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Last edited by Yachtsman69 : 12-03-2012 at 03:45 PM.
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Old 12-03-2012, 04:12 PM   #3
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Old 12-03-2012, 05:23 PM   #4
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We've kind of tried edging, but the problem is that he goes soft if he's not being actively stimulated. I swear it's like his dick gets bored if it doesn't think it's actively driving for release! I've tried looking up things he can work on when he's jerking off to try to increase his endurance, because I figured that might be less embarrassing, but he didn't seem that interested (and he hardly ever jerks off).

I try to seduce him, in a range from subtle hints to being sprawled out on the bed completely naked, nothing seems to work if he's not in the mood (aka most of the time). If it matters, his sex drive has been this low as long as we've been together, it's not a decline like he's not interested anymore. And before we got together he hadn't had sex in 5 years. He just really has a low libido (hence me urging him to go to the doc and get checked out)

Bottom line is that I love him and I can't imagine life without him, but I also am to the point where I can't imagine things staying the same. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I'm coming to terms that my own happiness and satisfaction are important too, I can't just put on a brave face and suffer through... so if there is any sort of way we can both be happy that would be ideal. I'll continue to talk to him about it and see if it's manageable, but I guess only time will tell... :/
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Old 12-03-2012, 10:42 PM   #5
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Hi KitaRenee

Why don't you go to the GP on your own first. Educate yourself on all the options that may be out there. Likewise with a sex therapist. When you feel comfortable knowing what help is about you may have a far better chance of getting him along with you to another appointment.

Just tell him "I have booked a series of appointments because I want to learn what I can do to help improve things. When you are ready I would love you to join me".

There was another similar post recently and one reply was to investigate tantric sex techniques. I'm sure if you do a little research you will find workshops are probably closer than you realise.
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Old 12-03-2012, 11:28 PM   #6
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It sounds like there is a physical issue, a 35 year old man shouldn't be having those issues. There is a lot they can do now to help, he may have low testosterone, he may have other issues (it could be emotional as well). The only thing I can tell you is keep working on him, it is apparent you love him. I have to be honest, if he is having physical issues going outside may only make him feel worse, for someone to be willing to allow a partner to have sex with others takes a lot of self confidence. What concerns me more , though odds are against it, it could be something more serious. He really should get checked out, get his hormone levels checked and so forth and then maybe work with a sex therapist.

I know this is going to sound cold, but him refusing to get checked out to me is pretty selfish of him, he is basically saying to you saying it is important to have sex that it isn't to him. I am not exactly someone who loves going to the doctor, at times I have gone around with things too long, like a dodgy gallbladder, because I refuse to give in, but this is affecting you, too. I realize he is a grown person and can make his own decisions, but when those decisions affect you he cannot ignore your needs either, and I think it would be better to get him on the right track first before, if you still need it , going outside
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Old 12-07-2012, 10:10 AM   #7
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Diabetes?

Tell him to have his blood sugar tested. Diabetes can affect a man in that way.
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Old 12-07-2012, 10:35 AM   #8
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SSRI antidepressants help many men with premature ejaculation issues. This requires a doctor visit.

If he has low libido at 35, then he may have low testosterone, depression, or some other medical issue. ED could be related to diabetes (as Hipshot mentioned). Those conditions can be fixed medically, but it requires a doctor visit. His libido is extremely unlikely to increase on its own, and is very likely to continue to decrease.

Is he taking any medications?

Njlauren’s second paragraph summed up my feelings. If he’s unwilling to seek medical help, then you can expect the situation to get worse if you stay with him.
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Old 12-07-2012, 01:59 PM   #9
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Has he had this issue the whole five years? Also, five years ago you were 21. I don't want to trivialize this but 21 year olds don't really know what love is. Many young women get with a guy when they are young and stick with him because they just don't realize there are better fish in the ocean. That's what dating is all about. You catch a fish. If you find out it is not the right one you throw it back and catch another one. You keep on doing this several more times until you find a fish you want to keep. It never works out when you keep one of your first fish and hope it all works out, especially when you are not happy. Now I don't know your whole history but I do know that you are talking about taking antidepressants because you are not happy and the reason you are not happy is you kept a fish that you should have thrown back years ago. You are a 21 year old in a 26 year old's body and you just think you are in love. Love should mean being happy with your relationship and you obviously are not.

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Old 12-07-2012, 02:19 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DrHappy View Post
SSRI antidepressants help many men with premature ejaculation issues. This requires a doctor visit.

If he has low libido at 35, then he may have low testosterone, depression, or some other medical issue. ED could be related to diabetes (as Hipshot mentioned). Those conditions can be fixed medically, but it requires a doctor visit. His libido is extremely unlikely to increase on its own, and is very likely to continue to decrease.

Is he taking any medications?

Njlauren’s second paragraph summed up my feelings. If he’s unwilling to seek medical help, then you can expect the situation to get worse if you stay with him.
SSRI's are also really good at lowering libido though. If his libido is already suffering this is probably not the route to go. I say this from personal experience.

I agree - he needs to see a doctor. He needs to have his testoterone checked and he needs to get a script for either viagra or cialis. I would recommend cialis as its effects will last much longer which takes some of the performance pressure off of him. It's also great for reducing refractory times, meaning even if he goes off in the first two minutes you won't have to wait long for him to be able to perform again. This would be a great confidence boost for him.

You need to explain to him that this isn't just a physical need. This is part of your relationship - its one of the ways that you connect emotionally with each other. He needs to understand that by not working to fix the problem, he's basically telling you that he doesn't care that your needs aren't being met.

There's more going on here than what a doctor can cure with a pill. It sounds like you two are having some relationship problems that aren't being brought to light. You need to talk to him about ways that you can work together to improve the relationship on the whole - not just in the bedroom.
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Old 12-08-2012, 07:35 PM   #11
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this is practically platonic...i feel for you.

it seems to me that the whole reason for sexual monogamy is that the sex is reserved for your partner...if you have no sex of pretty minimal sex, it isnt a sexual relationship.

If it isnt sexual, why be exclusive.

I mean if you had 1/2 a dozen great guy friends and he knew for a fact you werent fucking them either theres no need for jealousy...so it follows that a guy who isn't ready willing and able to be sexual isnt in a position to exclude you from sexuality.
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Old 12-09-2012, 02:32 AM   #12
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Oh wow! (sorry, long post)

Lots of replies, sorry everyone, I had finals and have been busy

All good suggestions, it's nice to get a feel for different people's similar situations and possible causes and whatnot.

We've had conversations about the situation a few times over the years, but he hasn't been to the doctor mainly out of fear as far as I can tell. He asks "what if I go and it's not something that can be fixed?" and of course my reply is "what if it's something that's an easy fix and we've had 5 years of sexual frustration for no good reason?" I think the main problem is that I previously brought it up in a "trying to soften the blow" kind of way where I didn't express fully how much I was frustrated because I didn't want to hurt his feelings... I've just finally come to the point where I realized that sugercoating things isn't helping either of us. We have had a few more discussions since I posted this, and he has said that he's going to make an appointment for a physical and address a few things with his new doctor (he has a new insurance provider and his old physician retired so he hasn't picked a new doctor yet, that was also one of the excuses he gave previously, he needed to ask his parents for his old medical info, etc.etc.).

It also seems like he is being more attentive and trying to initiate or be receptive to my advances since we've been talking about it, but I'm still in the state of being cautiously optimistic.

In regards to my use of antidepressants and anxiety medication, that is NOT related to the relationship at all. I've struggled with depression since I was a teenager, and at some point developed some fairly severe social anxiety, I just finally decided to see a professional about it because I realized that toughing it out wasn't working anymore. Also, I went back to school a couple of years ago and recently was finding my issues were affecting my schoolwork and that was a sign I couldn't manage things on my own.

Quote:
Has he had this issue the whole five years? Also, five years ago you were 21. I don't want to trivialize this but 21 year olds don't really know what love is. Many young women get with a guy when they are young and stick with him because they just don't realize there are better fish in the ocean. That's what dating is all about. You catch a fish. If you find out it is not the right one you throw it back and catch another one. You keep on doing this several more times until you find a fish you want to keep. It never works out when you keep one of your first fish and hope it all works out, especially when you are not happy. Now I don't know your whole history but I do know that you are talking about taking antidepressants because you are not happy and the reason you are not happy is you kept a fish that you should have thrown back years ago. You are a 21 year old in a 26 year old's body and you just think you are in love. Love should mean being happy with your relationship and you obviously are not.
This issue has been going on for him much longer than the whole five years. Admittedly I am very "settled down", but with all of my anxiety issues I've always been pretty codependent and I get attached to people very easily. I didn't really start dating seriously (i.e. relationships where sex was a factor) until I was 17, but I had a few serious relationships before this one, including rushing into a VERY bad marriage right before I turned 21; that turned abusive and I tossed that fish back. I admit that I don't have all the answers and I make a lot of dumb choices, but my boyfriend is a really awesome fish. The sex is the only issue I have; he's my best friend and we have a lot of love and affection between us... and when we first got together I was so smitten that I thought the sex wasn't going to really be a big deal and I could manage without it, it's just that as the years have gone on it has proved to not really be the case.

However, I will admit that since working on my anxiety issues I am feeling a lot more independent and have been frustrated that I settled down into something so serious and long-term so young; I've told my boyfriend that I feel tied down and that I regret not ever taking the chance to be young and stupid and make bad choices and be independent and learn who I am in the same way that most people do. But at the time I was terrified of the world, and I've always been the more "mature" type of person who wasn't into partying or drinking or clubbing or whatever my friends were doing, so it wasn't really something that I could have been comfortable doing back then? Sorry if I'm rambling, just trying to express that I both agree AND disagree with what you said.

Long story short, I've invested 5 years with a wonderful guy who I love and I can't just throw that away... sure he's a little bit broken, but aren't we all in some way?

And to those who mentioned diabetes, I will make sure he asks his doctor about that since he has a family history, but would that be something that would be affecting him for 10+ years without some other serious issues? Other than that, he's not taking any medications, he has previously been on antidepressants when he was a teenager but was able to get off them after long term treatment...

Quote:
You need to explain to him that this isn't just a physical need. This is part of your relationship - its one of the ways that you connect emotionally with each other. He needs to understand that by not working to fix the problem, he's basically telling you that he doesn't care that your needs aren't being met.
I have also been doing this as well, it is something that I mentioned on a couple different occasions but I don't know that he really realized how seriously I meant it until I told him that I posted on here looking for advice! Lol.
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Old 12-27-2012, 08:38 PM   #13
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Hmm, you're in a naunced situation. Few thoughts:

1. Have you tried things *other* than penetration to get you off? Like, big whoop, he cums too soon. Can he go down on you, finger you, etc. etc.? Can you introduce kink, and make it less about the penis and the vagina, and more about playfulness that results in both of you coming somehow?

2. Is he physically fit? So, some of the symptoms you've described have a loose correlation with other health problems, including diabetes. He may want to see a sexual therapist or a general therapist, but what about actually seeing an M.D.? There's lots of possibilities here.

3. In general, if sex suffers, other things will suffer. Union is about lots of things, and I almost think sex is a bellwether. My previous points presume you'll want to salvage what you've got. But, there's many a ticket to happiness, including maybe deciding that you don't want to be in this thing. Or maybe you want to redefine the terms of this thing.

You're doing all the right things by asking, and by thinking about things. So you deserve kudos for being responsible and sensitive.

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Old 01-03-2013, 01:56 PM   #14
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Hi

It appens unfortunately, one partner having a greater sex drive than the other even when the two love each other. What is sad, is that you are both relatively young and it is much more common as age takes over.
I do not have any answer's and it is a matter of trying to work it out together and one or both accepting each others needs and desire's or moving on. Cheating is not the answer I believe although flritatious fun here leading to masturbation is an option but would that make you more frustrated....?
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Old 01-07-2013, 11:04 PM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by quimsical View Post
Hmm, you're in a naunced situation. Few thoughts:

1. Have you tried things *other* than penetration to get you off? Like, big whoop, he cums too soon. Can he go down on you, finger you, etc. etc.? Can you introduce kink, and make it less about the penis and the vagina, and more about playfulness that results in both of you coming somehow?

2. Is he physically fit? So, some of the symptoms you've described have a loose correlation with other health problems, including diabetes. He may want to see a sexual therapist or a general therapist, but what about actually seeing an M.D.? There's lots of possibilities here.

3. In general, if sex suffers, other things will suffer. Union is about lots of things, and I almost think sex is a bellwether. My previous points presume you'll want to salvage what you've got. But, there's many a ticket to happiness, including maybe deciding that you don't want to be in this thing. Or maybe you want to redefine the terms of this thing.

You're doing all the right things by asking, and by thinking about things. So you deserve kudos for being responsible and sensitive.

Q

Oh my, I thought this thread was dead, so sorry!

Ok, so update: Boyfriend and I have been having a lot of in-depth discussions and whatnot, and seriously considered taking a break to work on our own respective issues. We've come to the decision that we're staying together for now, and seeing how things go. He's agreed to go to the doctor (supposedly this month, he had to wait til after the holidays to take a day off, but we'll see if he follows through). He also said that rather than lose me, he is fine with me doing "whatever I need to" sex-wise, he just doesn't want to know about it. Unless it's with a girl, then of course he's fine with it lol.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to actually go outside the relationship for sex, as I get attached to people really easily and haven't ever had anything casual, but just knowing that I have that option feels like a huge weight lifted off of me. I'm not sure if this arrangement will eventually wind up messing up our relationship or not, but it's nice to have something in motion one way or another, instead of just feeling stagnant and resentful.

You folks have all given me some really good advice and I want to thank you a lot for it!

And Q, in answer to your points:

1. I've tried to encourage that, but even foreplay makes him uncomfortable... I wouldn't let him go down on me for a long time because I misunderstood some risk factors, but since I've realized my mistake and told him it was fine, he still hasn't done that because apparently he hates the taste of pussy and has been relieved this whole time that he didn't have to go down on me! Quite the bummer. Tried to get him to use my toys on me, but he's awkward with that too... I dunno, there is a lot of awkwardness in the bedroom, despite any encouragement I try to give.

2. He's not fit, but not really overweight or anything... Going to have him get checked for a few things when he goes to the doc though, if he winds up following through.

3. And part of me wants to salvage this, part of me wants my freedom... it's a big complicated mess in my head. For now I'm working with what I've got, and seeing where things go from here. But all very good points, thank you
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Old 01-08-2013, 12:34 AM   #16
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I think that you're at a very delicate point. You should be doing everything you can to have him follow through and make sure he knows that you want him, not a surrogate. IMHO. Good luck.
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Old 01-08-2013, 12:44 AM   #17
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Sounds like you both have a lot of work to do. I don't know whether your BF's issues are physical or emotional or a combination of both (probably a combination), but from what you write there is a lot there. There are things that can help libido and such, I can tell you that, both prescription and herbal, but I think there is a lot more here. Speaking as someone who got 'tied down' at 19, which probably was too young, I understand your feelings about maybe wanting freedom, regrets, and in the context of what you are sharing here it probably makes it even harder.

To be honest, I think if you are going to stay together as a couple, I think going outside, even though he is okay with it, would likely turn out to be a mistake, I think if you do that it will change the dynamic of your relationship and probably not in a positive way (just my feelings, obviously). I suspect even though he doesn't know about it, he will sense something is going on, and rather then be happy you are getting needs met, he probably will end up feeling like he is a reject or something if my vision of things hold. Too, if your relationship has these strains, it could potentially be easy for you to get feelings for someone else and break it up, and I am not sure it would be worth the risk.

My take? I highly recommend getting professional help from a counselor, most important one trained in sexual issues. They might be able to help with your BF's issues, and more importantly, on an individual basis help you both figure out what you need/want. If you yourself have doubts, maybe they can help you figure out what you do want/need....there is a lot here, and speaking from experience having an outside person help with issues makes a big difference, sometimes what you think the issues are aren't......I think the answer is looking at yourselves, seeing what you need, and working on fixing them, and without help that isn't going to happen I suspect (not saying don't go to the doctor and such, there could be medical issues there too). Things like going outside are band aids, not the solution, it is like the couples that try swinging or threesomes to save their marriage, it is as likely IME for it to put the final nail in the coffin as it is to save it in their case, and I think in yours with so many unanswered questions it wouldn't be a great idea.
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Old 01-08-2013, 04:34 PM   #18
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I think you have to think of yourself, you have tried, at least it seem so, to work with your boyfriend to find a solution to both your problems. I my opinion he hasn't seemed to be very cooperative. I'm almost of the opinion that he is content to leave things as they are.

If you do decide to try again I believe you both need separate counseling along with couples counseling. My wife, by the way we're lesbians, and I have recently gone through some problems, mostly due to outside pressure from her Father. Counseling helped her deal with her constant need for her Father's approval. Couples counseling helped us to move past the relationship problems which that caused. I do think we would have survived without the couples counseling but I think we've both learned a lot about dealing with each other and being more open because of that counseling.

I've nothing against open relationship, ours is open in a closed kind of way. Basically when we involve another couple or individual it's always together as a couple. This is not something that happens often. Actually it hasn't happened for over a year and I'm not sure that it's going to ever happen again but we do have a fulfilling sex life, and I'm sure that is why we don't have that need.

But I think in your case you need to solve your problems first, having sex outside of your relationship in its present state is only going to be destructive. Let me assure you a woman is not going to be any different maybe even worse, emotional involvement is much more likely.

Quote:
Originally Posted by KitaRenee View Post
Long story short, I've invested 5 years with a wonderful guy who I love and I can't just throw that away... sure he's a little bit broken, but aren't we all in some way?
I'm not suggesting you just give up but how many more year are you going to invest? 10 years, 15 years. Can you see yourself being happy when your 36, 41 living with this man if nothing changes for the better. I'd give him a chance if he truly does do what you've asked at least you have a chance for some happiness but if he's just all talk then I advise you to leave him.

What ever the outcome, I wish you much happiness.
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Old 01-09-2013, 01:11 PM   #19
nfrrdscnnr1
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I second nj's recommendation for counseling. I understand your investment but, my dear, "settling" is a long, frustrating haul.
Have you thought about a Sybian?
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Old 01-09-2013, 08:20 PM   #20
query
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Hmmm...

I've noticed literotica skews towards women having the higher libido in a mismatch relationship I don't think that's indicative of anything but it's all selecting population..


That said I listen to doctor Jen Berman on the radio a lot... seems like this issues come up several times lately and 1 of the things she keep stressing is especially since your guys fairly young that this is a very very strong warning sign of several possible diseases so did the fact that he's going to the doctor for his own benefit can't be stressed enough make sure he follows through.

One of the things she says is that women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved... obviously that's a generalization but regardless of levels of libido of each partner and levels of emotional neediness both aspects are part of important sexuality and part of a couple feeling connected I think.

The fact that he's willing to let you go outside of the relationship to have your needs met to me isn't very generous in fact it's kind of selfish... this isn't your preference or stated desire and there are many things that he could do sexually to make you feel desirable and fulfilled.

He doesn't seem to be willing to do those things.

So if he's okay with you not being monogamous then what exactly is the relationship based around? you can have lots of good friends or a good roommate that you aren't sexual with..


Your preference is towards being monogamous with your sexual partner so if you go out and find a sexual partner you are going to bond with him and it will drive a wedge. I don't think it would be necessarily fair to leave simply because he's having performance issues but when he's having Motivational issues I think that's a concern I would see whether you go to the doctor not if he does and the doctor find some help form I think it's worth exploring this relationship if he either doesn't go to the doctor or he goes to the doctor there's no medical reason and he's not willing to look into some counseling then I think you need to do the painful thing and just move on.
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Old 01-10-2013, 12:29 AM   #21
Noor
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He should see a dr because that could be a sign of something seriously wrong with him, not just sexually.

He doesn't like oral? Do his fingers work? There is a lot more to sex than penetration, this sounds kind of dull to me at this point.

As long as you come first does it really matter long someone last, oral or penetration?
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Old 01-10-2013, 11:20 AM   #22
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if he is unwilling to change while you are still in a state of evolving sexually,
then either put up with what you may be missing or leave him and make sure he understands why you've gone.
you can't help someone who doesn't want help, you can't change someone who is determined not to change.
the only other thing you can do is help the person who wants help, who wants change and that would be you??? Correct?
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Old 01-12-2013, 01:29 PM   #23
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Kita, I definitely agree that both physical & mental health issues are very viable concerns that need to be looked at. I really hope your BF sees his new primary care physician right away. from what you have said, it sounds likeit's been a while since he has had a physical exam. Since he has insurance, he needs to tell the doctor that he wants to have a COMPLETE workup. for those of us in our 20s & 30s, it is typical for them to order some basic bloodwork to be done, in addition to taking our BP & weighing us. There is so much more that can be done - additional blood tests that are usually ignored as well as some other diagnostic tests. 2yrs ago, I switched to a new dr and the 1st time my husband & I went in for a physical she ordered blood labs for a long list of things that were all covered by the insurance, but not ordered by most drs for patients our age (mid-30s). She also sent us for some imaging, including a stress test (chemically induced, not physical) for our heart & a renal ultrasound for our kidneys. I guess my point with this is to make sure he sees a doctor who will give him a thorough workup. I could go on about this for a while, so I'm going to switch gears now...

Depression, trauma, etc. can definitely be another factor. You did mention he was previously using meds, but I don't know the background there. Maybe meds are needed, however, prozac (& I think other SSRIs actually cause ED in men) and it can take a some time to figure out which med(s) work the best. A primary dr can write a script for something, but (from my own experience over the last 7yrs), it is absolutely necessary to see a psychiatrist for diagnosis/treatment. Counseling may only be part of a successful treatment plan. If he would prefer to talk to a therapist first, that is good. A trained therapist well know what questions to ask, what to look for, when to push harder, & when to pull back a bit. If they think there may be a chemical imbalance involved, they will refer him to the psych.
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Old 01-12-2013, 02:12 PM   #24
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I had a another chunk of post to submit, but my web froze on my cell phone so I lost it all. Time to start over...
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Old 01-12-2013, 02:37 PM   #25
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The other stuff I was thinking about wasn't really addressed so far. I know you said he has had this issue for about 10yrs & it was a problem in a previous relationship. I'm wondering how many girlfriends has he had? Were any of them sexually intimate relationships? When did he lose his virginity & what were the circumstances?

Does he have more girls or guys for friends? Gay friends? Best friend? Or does he consider YOU his best friend - literally?

You think he would be ok with you finding a GF to satisfy your needs. Why is that? Does he think girl-on-girl is hot & get off on it? Does he talk about same-sex relationships? Do you think that if you had a GF, he would feel that he was 'off the hook' and he could go back to ignoring the issue?

With those last few thoughts, I'm also wondering if he might be gay and in the closet or in serious denial...

I guess I should have started this of with a disclaimer stating that I am NOT a therapist, doctor, or anything else of the sort! Please don't take offense at anything that I have said about your BF.
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