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Old 11-29-2012, 06:42 PM   #1
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erotica_n_s is offline
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It feels like there's no civilised way to deal with rejection...

Maybe Iím a loser, but I donít have to be pathetic!!

This isn't really a "How To" question... but I just would like someone to listen! A shoulder to cry on, maybe...

I hate having to say this, but Iím not very good at my job.

I had a crush on a female colleague of mine. It didnít take her long to see that I was performing poorly at work. Now, this beautiful young woman is hanging around with another guy Ė and as it happens, heís a guy I CANNOT STAND... I donít know if theyíre officially ďdatingĒ... and I donít want to know... All I know is Iím never going to ask her out now...

At the moment, it feels like Iím never going to meet another woman as amazing as her ever again... And I tell myself that Iíve felt this way before, about several other women in the past, and Iíve always met someone more interesting... Still, at the moment, it feels like I had something Ė I had a chance, and I totally screwed up... I mean I didnít just ďscrew upĒ, I chickened out... (that was painful to say, but Ė there Ė I said it... finally Iím learning to turn around and face up at defeat, rather than running away like a coward).

I realise I have only myself to blame. If I was any better at my job, maybe sheíd show some interest in me... I mean, initially, she did show some interest... but like I said, I lacked the confidence in myself to woo/court her properly... This other guy, although I find him INCREDIBLY irritating and unbelievably shallow, all things considered, heís better at his job than I am... Yeah Ė itís painful to admit that, but itís true...

Like I said, I realise I have only myself to blame. It STILL doesnít make it easy for me... Every time I see her with this other guy, itís really painful... I have to look away, quite literally...

Still, weíre a bunch of professionals, and weíve got to keep things ďcivilĒ, i.e., weíve got to exchange the routine social greetings, etc... Thatís also quite difficult Ė itís incredibly painful and utterly HUMILIATING to have to wave and smile at people who make me feel like a total loser... Itís difficult to have to pretend that Iím not bothered...

Earlier today, I gave her the cold shoulder... I mean, I literally avoided eye contact when she tried to say something to me... I fear this may have been the last straw that has probably irreparably damaged whatever relationship we may have had... Still, I couldnít bring myself to pretend that I was not bothered Ė either way, I canít win in this situation... DAMN, itís painful...

Iíve promised myself Iím going to work harder at my job. Maybe this is the last time that Iíll have to blame myself. In future, if I have to deal with rejection, at least Iíll know it wasnít my own fault. Still, FOR NOW, itís really difficult to have to face these colleagues of mine. The worst part is, Iím going to have to work with them at least for the next 6 months...

I have to say, for a while (as a matter of fact, for several YEARS Ė thatís right, several YEARS), I was having real difficulties with staying focussed and motivated at work. Now, after a long, long time, following this humiliation, I find myself genuinely wanting to work harder and do better. Maybe when the next young woman comes along, sheíll admire me for my professionalism and self-assuredness. Even if I get rejected for some other reason, I can take it. It wouldnít be so painful if it wasnít my fault (as I know it is in this case). So maybe, just maybe, something good has come out of this episode... I donít know...

But I guess Iím learning to face defeat like a man... rather than shouting ďsour grapesĒ like a sore loser... Itís painful, but Iíll face it...

(Sorry for that ramble... but I just had to say it... I donít have anyone close to me that I can talk to about this... therefore I thought Iíd post it here... so sorry if it seems inappropriate/incoherent...

Thanks for ďlisteningĒ!).
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Old 11-29-2012, 08:27 PM   #2
Lord Pmann
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I'm feeling very Dr. Drew today, so check this out. Though I'm not as sexy as that Dr. Drew, my advice is much cheaper.

You seem to suffer from low confidence and self esteem. I'm a prophet, I know. What are you doing to make your life better? Rejection sucks the big green wiener. But I think we've all experienced it. Maybe not that sexy Dr. Drew. But we mortals all have. We could let it define us and sit in our own sick and whine. Or we can get up and make things better, you know?

It hurts a lot, I know. But I would recommend getting out there and making yourself better. Don't mope. And best of luck. I hope it stops hurting soon. I wouldn't wish heartbreak on my worst enemy.
*edited for cleanliness*
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Old 11-30-2012, 12:04 AM   #3
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When you get women figured out, you know, really understand what makes them want you like no other, write a book about it and add it to all the other how-to scams out there that promise the same thing. In the end however


*whew* Thanks for listening there.

It doesn't sound like you really know that much about this special "her" and how utterly fantastic she was, so I'm going to just throw out the idea that she might have had her own "performance" issues as well, and once the stars had fallen from your silly eyes, you would be chewing your own leg off to get out of that trap.

Or maybe not.

Men tend to look at the outside, and assume the inside matches, so I'm going to assume that the outside on this person was quite the something to snuggle up to on a cold winter evening in front of a fire.

However, "so what!" I say. What's on the inside is important, and it takes time to understand, and how the other person feels about you is much more important than how you feel about them (at least from your perspective.) You can't build a relationship with any level of trust or sense of security in it, unless the other person feels something strongly and you're not worried about them walking away at any given point when they find out you have a zit.

And, to be honest, it'd be really nice if at least they were exciting and imaginative in bed like you are, rather than stuck up and prudish, or just down right dull, so give that possibility some consideration, and somehow realize that it doesn't have anything to do with the person's "attractiveness", in whatever criteria one might use.

You've got yourself pretty much boxed in with that "I'm doing poorly at my job" and then the "she doesn't want me because I'm not doing well" talk that you've convinced yourself into. It's really difficult to live your life like that; always constantly measuring and comparing yourself to some ideal that you've made up on your own about what other people "must" think of you. Maybe you know in some objective way that your job performance is "bad", but who the fuck cares? Not everyone is good at that anyway, and the people who are, really are such complete assholes, and hopefully you're on your way (at least eventually) to something which is better suited to you. Sort of feeling in the same place myself, I guess that's how I feel about that subject.

As far as the girl not being all hot-and-bothered over your work ethic, that just smells like bullshit to me. She might like his Christmas bonus better than yours, sure, or she likes his car, or his house. But if that's what's important to her, let her go, and let her have at it.

However she might like the fact that the other arrogant asshole tells her what to do or how to think...women seem to connect "control" and "manipulative" with security...for a while at least....or because he wears some cologne or some other "thing" that she has as a personal priority. The end result is that it's something she needs to work out on her own, and if she wants you or doesn't, that has nothing to do with your value as a person.

And if it's painful to see her now, with that other bozo, well then feel pain! Pain is there to teach you a lesson, if you're up to it. There's nothing wrong with your reaction, and there's no one with any kind of absolute moral authority who can tell you how to feel or express your own emotional pain. Just don't hurt yourself, and don't hurt others. If the relationship is "done" let it go and stop talking about it like it's a rotting corpse that doesn't stink. Let it go and move on, find something else to think about. That takes effort.

If she wants to talk with you like it's no big deal, like nothing ever happened, then only a selfish stupid prick would begrudge you for avoiding that. Everyone expects you to take care of yourself, take a bath every day, brush your teeth, comb your hair, and the same goes for your emotional well-being also. She has an exciting new opportunity to ruin her own life with some jerk who will never care for her the way you do now, let her at it while you concentrate on doing what's best for you.

Take care. Accept defeat like a real person, sure. Failure is the only place we learn. Embrace it when people tell you that you are wrong.
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Old 11-30-2012, 01:51 AM   #4
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Honestly, I'm more concerned that you feel you aren't very good at your job.

Heartbreak comes and (usually) goes, so does the sting of rejection. Feeling down about yourself because you think you're no good at your chosen profession will be enduring. If your job is your career choice and it's the rest of your life, then maybe you need to do some professional development and enhance your skill set. If it's just a job for the sake of having a job, then maybe it's time to start looking around. You don't want to spend so much of your life feeling sub-par at work, it will (and we can see it is) eat away at your self-esteem, you'll keep telling yourself you're no good and it will become your self-fulfilling prophecy. Don't do it to yourself.
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Old 11-30-2012, 02:40 AM   #5
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This is one of the reasons not to become involved with co-workers.
Posted by Byron In Exile 05-20-2014
Originally Posted by Noor View Post
hoo mchm huq h khz xw ncfaj

Nobody will get that.
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Old 11-30-2012, 03:04 AM   #6
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If this is the kick up the pants you need to feel like you can do something about becoming more professional and more motivated at work, then for goodness' sake use it. See about some professional development, too.

Just be careful with how you are towards Female Colleague and Male Colleague - if the cold shoulder gets too awkward and noticeable, it could harm your aspirations to appear more professional. I'm not saying you have to be cordial, and I'm not trying to hurry you along. I'm just trying to point out that every time you put the effort into being neutral, equanimous, and professional towards them, rather than aloof, cold, pained, etc. you are getting closer to your goal of being more professional and self-assured.

Best of luck.
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