New to BDSM

[KittyFlower]

So for BDSM I'm new to it. I can do it in writing and portray both a dom and sub both rather well. I've read about it and I want to try it out but have no clue where to start. I already know I'm a dom unless there is a strong dom around me that can control me. However they can't just control that have to do it passive aggressively where I have the illusion that I am still in control. I know what I want but have no idea where to go from here. Any help?

[knot_sweet]

Originally Posted by KittyFlower

So for BDSM I'm new to it. I can do it in writing and portray both a dom and sub both rather well. I've read about it and I want to try it out but have no clue where to start. I already know I'm a dom unless there is a strong dom around me that can control me. However they can't just control that have to do it passive aggressively where I have the illusion that I am still in control. I know what I want but have no idea where to go from here. Any help?

Hi KittyFlower

Honest question, no snark intended...You say you're new to BDSM yet you also say you are dominant unless there a more dominant person around to dominate you in a passive aggressive manner.

I was just wondering how you came to learn that about yourself?

[KittyFlower]

Fair question. Everyone you talk to either takes a slightly dom or slightly sub roll. you start a conversation with someone whoever takes control of the conversation is usually the dom and the convo goes where ever the dom wants it to go. Also in most relationships there is someone who is slightly dom. We dont try to do it however we always do. Its just one of those things you can tell. Also when i have tried with cybering I usually take the dom roll. When I read stories I prefer to read those with a female dom. Theres many ways to tell which you are without actually having a sexual dom/ sub encounter.

[Ahlam]

That's an interesting notion, KittyFlower. You seem to believe that D/s is part of a person's natural personality. I find arguments in favor of that to be pretty convincing. But how then do you explain weirdos like me? In conversation and in writing I can usually steer things however I'd like to, but I am submissive. There's likely more to it.

[KittyFlower]

That would be what I would call a passive aggressive dom. You like to let the other people think they are in control while you are in complete control of the situation in your own way.

[Ahlam]

Haha! Excellent! Maybe I'll turn that into a hypothesis and see what happens when I test it...
Welcome, Kittyflower. I'm new here myself, although not new to BDSM. People can sort of take what they want from it and apply it to their lives in whatever manner best suits their needs. I'm reluctant to offer much advice because I think this is a deeply personal journey. I occasionally ask questions, but mostly lurk. There's a lot of information to be found here and mostly everyone is friendly. I sincerely hope you find what works for you.

[KittyFlower]

So i take it that you like my theory? well id if you are currently involved you can test out my theory on me if you would like. I have dealt with a couple passive aggressive doms so thats how i have made my thoughts on. one actually had me thinking i was the dom between us for about 8 months before I figured out he was subtly doming me the entire time. And thank you for such a warm welcome I appreciate it. and also thank you for your help.

[Stella_Omega]

I would suggest to both of you that you read the little essay linked to in my sig. Just to add a couple more terms to the convo.

[KittyFlower]

Ok so explain to me if you dont mind what you could see me as from what i have said so far and also what i call a passive aggressive dom. Just so we are all on the same lvl.

[Netzach]

Originally Posted by KittyFlower

So for BDSM I'm new to it. I can do it in writing and portray both a dom and sub both rather well. I've read about it and I want to try it out but have no clue where to start. I already know I'm a dom unless there is a strong dom around me that can control me. However they can't just control that have to do it passive aggressively where I have the illusion that I am still in control. I know what I want but have no idea where to go from here. Any help?

Do you fantasize about the kind of sub who will only let you control him/her under those very stringent and very hard-to-meet-for-humans parameters?

I used to think this kind of thing about myself, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that if I ever WAS actually going to enjoy the control of a real person, I would have to talk to them, open up to them, and involve them directly.

I realized that I'm not much of a switch, I don't have much of a developed submissive side, but that which there is was never going to get anywhere wishing someone would just identify it and magically know what to do.

I found a particular person I can be completely transparent with, who would give me anything I wanted sexually, and who I feel the same way about, who also has the inclination to work with that.

Sometimes I like being shoved up against a wall, but I have to admit that in order to get that. That's actually more challenging.

Also, yes, some people are naturally more of one or the other. But how people handle themselves in the public sphere often DOES NOT match what they are in a romantic/sexual sense at all.

I've dealt with many extremely sexually submissive people who WILL dominate every conversation, who lead, manage, and can be downright self-aggrandizing boors (lol) who desperately WANT to be made to shut up and obey and stop doing all of their natural behaviors. Some sub women are ringleaders and extroverts. Some Dominant people are extremely shy or introverted.

You are a Dominant if the thought of doing Dominant type things turns you on. Period.

[KittyFlower]

So what you are saying is I can b a dom but still love to be man handled and tied up and such things like that? Cuz I love all those things but Being dominate to someone else does something more then turn me on. It puts me into more of a craze and I cant seem to get enough of it but i still enjoy the other things. and yes i agree doms can be introverts and quiet while some subs just run the conversation because I myself am shy and introverted most of the time but I know how to control people with the few words i will say and get them to do as i please without them noticing what they are doing. And yes i do fantasize and dream about the kind of sub i want but i can say that same for the other way around as well.

[Stella_Omega]

Originally Posted by KittyFlower

Ok so explain to me if you dont mind what you could see me as from what i have said so far and also what i call a passive aggressive dom. Just so we are all on the same lvl.

If you don't mind, would you take the time to write out whole words? We are kindfa old school about that around here. I know it's a pain but it's worth it if you really want advice.

I have absolutely zero idea of what you mean when you say "passive aggressive"dom." Personally, I think a lot of dominants are totally passive aggressive personalities that have figured out a way to get to stay like that. But I don't think that's what you mean.

Perhaps what I call a "service top?"

[CutieMouse]

Yeah, and see I read "passive aggressive dom" and wonder what planet people live on in which boundaries/limits = passive aggressive dominant.

BTW, little grammar lesson that will take you a lot around here -

The dominant dominates through the act of domination.

[HaddenIndustries]

Originally Posted by CutieMouse

BTW, little grammar lesson that will take you a lot around here -
The dominant dominates through the act of domination.

Bless you. From your mouth to ALT.com's ear. Personally, it's hard for me to maintain an attitude of submissiveness toward a woman who says that she "is dominate."

[KittyFlower]

Sorry about the short hand terms. I play a mass multiplayer online role playing game so i have gotten used to shortening my words to get my point across faster. But i do thin what I mean by passive aggressive dom is close to your service top. I have met 2 people that were exactly what I call a passive aggressive dom. Basically what it is to me is they dont directly give orders. They make small suggestions of what you should do and if you do it then you get rewarded with something you really want. but if you dont do it then they very subtly punish you for it. either by depriving you of something you want or even worse their attention. Its not a very blunt punishment but you notice it and it bothers you more then being whipped or something like that would. and it gave me the illusion that i was in complete control of them because if i did what they wanted then they would do anything i wanted in return. So me doing everything they wanted resulted in the illusion that i was always in control over them. if that makes any sense

[CutieMouse]

I make my lover[s] happy because when I do, they make me happy in return. I see no manipulation in that; we work together as opposite sides of the same coin.

There's no inherent power in giving pleasure. No hidden agenda. I do what he wants because because it pleases him, and I genuinely love pleasing him. In return for being pleased, he makes sure to use positive reinforcement to keep me happy and please me (so I'll stick around). Ultimately, it's all a giant game of Blatant Self Interest on both our parts.(BSI for short)

If he pisses me off or upsets me, I say so. If I piss him off or upset him, he says so. No punishment or anything... although disappointment is a bitch X 1,000.

[KittyFlower]

I didnt say it was manipulation. I just said thats how he would dom me.

[CutieMouse]

Originally Posted by KittyFlower

I didnt say it was manipulation. I just said thats how he would dom me.

My apologies; I associate the use of the term "passive aggressive" with manipulation.

[KittyFlower]

it can be manipulation but it was always things he wanted me to do for my benefit and if i didnt take care of myself there was in a way punishment he would give me. not to force me but to get me to do what i needed to do.

[Stella_Omega]

Originally Posted by CutieMouse

My apologies; I associate the use of the term "passive aggressive" with manipulation.

And for a very good reason-- that's exactly what "passive aggression" refers to, a method of manipulation employed by personalities who don't believe, or don't want people to think, that the manipulator has anything to do with the end result.

I guess that could be sexy? You sure would have to be paying very close attention, and in fact that's exactly what many dominants really want.

But for me it would either be *yawn* or else "Here lemme show you how it's done."

[KittyFlower]

i like it cuz it gives me the illusion that im the one in control

[Stella_Omega]

Originally Posted by KittyFlower

it can be manipulation but it was always things he wanted me to do for my benefit and if i didnt take care of myself there was in a way punishment he would give me. not to force me but to get me to do what i needed to do.

Sounds like he was just basically concerned for your well-being.

I don't know you well, but I get the feeling that you've heard these terms "dom and sub" and you are applying them to absolutely everything, regardless of context. Like the nice ladies that I know who thank Jesus loudly while I-- not Jesus-- drive them from the grocery store to their apartments.

Originally Posted by KittyFlower

i like it cuz it gives me the illusion that im the one in control

but someone is taking care of you?

[KittyFlower]

When i get into something i totally throw myself into it. and yes i am familiar with the terms and i dont get what you mean im saying them regardless of context. and yes he was indirectly taking care of me

[Stella_Omega]

You know-- there are service subs, too.

I know a domme who has a sub and a slave, fulltime, live-in 24/7. It's a very warm and loving triad. Now, the slave-- is a slave. She doesn't get to contradict her mistress in any way. Mistress decides what's best for theslave, gives her her orders, tells her what to wear etc. (mistress is very conscientious as it happens) The sub on the other hand-- He is in charge of Mistress's wellbeing. And as such, he has his areas of authority. He can contradict her when she makes an error, he can manhandle her to the car when she's had a wee tiddly too much to drinkhe can decide what the dinner menu is going to be.

But he is still her submissive. he does these things because she's entrusted them to him. His decisions-- even things that could have been orders-- are always and only in submission to her desire.

They do protocol, so many times he sounds maybe excessively meek (to me at least) when he does something like contradict. maybe that's what you're thinking of?

And, he's her top when she wants sensation.

[Aurelia_Malys]

Originally Posted by KittyFlower

Fair question. Everyone you talk to either takes a slightly dom or slightly sub roll. you start a conversation with someone whoever takes control of the conversation is usually the dom and the convo goes where ever the dom wants it to go. Also in most relationships there is someone who is slightly dom. We dont try to do it however we always do. Its just one of those things you can tell. Also when i have tried with cybering I usually take the dom roll. When I read stories I prefer to read those with a female dom. Theres many ways to tell which you are without actually having a sexual dom/ sub encounter.

Not exactly the subject of the OP .... but I am extremely dominant in most aspects of my life. At work, with my friends, with my parents and sister ... I am absolutely the dominant personality. I make decisions for the group. I give direction and control circumstances. BUT I am extremely submissive when it comes to my relationship with my husband. I am not passive-aggressive. [As Netzach described in her earlier post, public life vs personal life can be very different]