Old 11-27-2012, 12:56 AM   #1
ChaseMePleez
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Question for Doms

I am very curious by nature and I have been reading a little about dominants and submissives. I would like to know how a female is introduced into this world in a manner of speaking. Maybe tell me how you start off a new sub. If i am not asking this in the right way, please tell me. I am serious about my interest.
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Old 11-27-2012, 01:34 AM   #2
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Starting off

The best way is talking. A woman talks to a top (dom/domme) about what she likes and not just the usual things but the things that have made her feel those chills through her skin and the warmth inside her core that scare her. The more she talks the more she realizes how much power she has already given. The power of all those secret desires she gaveto them were links in a chain and in realizing how much she has already submitted she realizes that giving that person power over her desires has become one of those things that send shivers through her even as she feels her inside turn molten and confesses that as well. Then it is up to the dom/domme if she is trained though if they you got you talking they wanted to train you. Feel like talking?
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Old 11-27-2012, 03:52 AM   #3
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Gradually. I guided my sub with such fluid elegance that she hardly stopped to realize that she was collared, and by that point she was far beyond reservation on the matter!
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Old 11-27-2012, 09:53 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChaseMePleez View Post
I am very curious by nature and I have been reading a little about dominants and submissives. I would like to know how a female is introduced into this world in a manner of speaking. Maybe tell me how you start off a new sub. If i am not asking this in the right way, please tell me. I am serious about my interest.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Horati0Baccus View Post
The best way is talking. A woman talks to a top (dom/domme) about what she likes and not just the usual things but the things that have made her feel those chills through her skin and the warmth inside her core that scare her. The more she talks the more she realizes how much power she has already given. The power of all those secret desires she gaveto them were links in a chain and in realizing how much she has already submitted she realizes that giving that person power over her desires has become one of those things that send shivers through her even as she feels her inside turn molten and confesses that as well. Then it is up to the dom/domme if she is trained though if they you got you talking they wanted to train you. Feel like talking?
Saw that first response's final question coming...

However, HB is at least partially right. But there's no "one twue (or best) way" to do *anything* involved in a human relationship. In general, discussion of one's feelings, desires, needs, etc., can be an introduction to anything, or one can be introduced to certain things gradually, e.g., some light spanks during "vanilla" sex one time, a little hair-pulling or nipple-pinching the next, and so on, with the PYL partner watching the pyl partner's reactions *very* carefully, and upon finding what the PYL feels is sufficient interest or other positive reaction, perhaps then breaching the subject in discussion. As in just about every human interaction, of course, YMMV, and only you and your partner(s) can really determine the "best" way to explore this new facet of your lives.

Good luck, and welcome to BDSM Talk and the BDSM Café! You'll find mostly (at least semi-)serious discussion of BDSM topics here (like your thread), and a little more light-hearted discussion of damn near anything, but often with a BDSM "twist," in the Café. Hang around, read a few (dozen) threads, offer your own inputs (whether questions, observations, thoughts or experiences), and get to know some folks here. There is a *lot* of experience here, and a number of folks who have been doing this (BDSM) for years (and some for decades) - some professionally, some in their personal lives, and some both - who are quite willing to share what they have learned over that time with folks coming new into the culture.

Again... welcome!
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Old 11-27-2012, 11:00 AM   #5
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Chasemepleez, Thank you for starting the thread with your question. I have been exploring as well. Thanks for opening upthe conversation. Also, thank you to Sir_Winston because I think thatresponse comes from a very experienced gentleman. Though I did have to look up some of the terms, it was a very nice read. Thank you.
Chasemepleez, maybe we can support each other in the exploration and "have each other's backs."
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Old 11-27-2012, 11:15 AM   #6
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This female was "introduced into this thing" because she was turned on by men being put into painful and humiliating situations as long as she can remember.

Or do you mean "submissive"?

I simply avoid people who I can't rely on to be in the same ballpark as I am, sexually. I don't think that anyone can have their passion for being my property or my plaything programmed into them if it's not there as a possibility in the first place. Been there, done that. Complete fail.

I select the people I want to be with from the world of kink only. I know that other people do differently, but I am not well suited to subtleties and flirtation around the idea of what people MIGHT want, tee hee. Life is short and I choose to spend it having the kind of sex I actually want to have.
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Old 11-27-2012, 12:31 PM   #7
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Netzach said: "I simply avoid people who I can't rely on to be in the same ballpark as I am, sexually. I don't think that anyone can have their passion for being my property or my plaything programmed into them if it's not there as a possibility in the first place. Been there, done that. Complete fail.

I select the people I want to be with from the world of kink only. I know that other people do differently, but I am not well suited to subtleties and flirtation around the idea of what people MIGHT want, tee hee. Life is short and I choose to spend it having the kind of sex I actually want to have."

I completely agree with this. In terms of actual one-on-one (or more!) physical activity, that's the way I go as well.

...When it comes to anything kink at all, yes I have to agree with Netzach on this. I do have relationships outside of that, but I never cross the line anywhere close to BDSM when the people start out from an obvious vanilla or inexperienced position. There's current pop/fashion BDSM - a sort of 'let's pretend' BDSM - and then there's the stuff I'm into...! A person can, though be fundamentally kinked inside without any obvious adult experience. So that's another thing to consider.

I'm damned if I ever 'said a word' or verbally 'communicated' anything to anyone I took to bed in my life ever!! For me it's all chemistry and looks and the 'feel of it' and intuition, I guess.

I'm sure that people agree in their own heads without spoken words more or less simultaneously that they will have a relationship or are capable and willing to, long before anyone has to say anything. Okay, there are people who project very misdirected images onto people they decide could be potential erotic/romantic partners, but even so, the purely sexual element itself is almost impossible to fabricate totally. And so I do rely on that as a first line, so to speak.

If the 'first line' is happening, then from there let's look at 'introducing this potential sub to the high game...'

I would never ever ever ever go along this path of looking at what 'makes someone feel chills' or turns the warmth at the core on and so on. Never ever ever ever ever.

If I am going to dominate someone to the extent that I can and have done and will to some individuals, then I am likely - once past the mutually intuited consent - to say something like, 'you know, my standpoint is to have you feel extremely, even extraordinarily safe and secure at every point and never to have any doubt and I think you will never have any regrets about what you are going to experience. It's going to be ludicrously satisfying for you.' If you wanna be a sub, find a strong dynamic person who can inspire you with total security even from their most aggressive state.

I personally have no doubts whatsoever that only a strong person and a person confident in the other, can really be a submissive. It takes strength and a lot of self-confidence to really expose your vulnerability. Only those strong enough to be weak for you, can play with me.

There is some idea round that 'taking someone out of their comfort zone and DOMINATING them' and this kind of talk is 'BDSM.' That's just a 'disrespectful of others' person who wants their way all the time who believes it though.

And people keep talking about 'power' all the time in terms of submission relationships too. But the focus of BDSM is not power, but emotional force. The conductive path has to be EQUAL to the flow of force.

I think it's like music: a person falls in love with music generally not because they start with something simplistic like two blocks of wood clapping and then slowly move up to complex classical music or jazz - usually, they hear some incredible piece of music that they resonate to.

In other words, start at the top and try not to do anything less than go sideways from there!
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Old 11-27-2012, 03:21 PM   #8
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The right way for anyone-- male or female, top or bottom, dom or sub-- to start off is by knowing what it is that he or she wants out of their experience in the first place-- and that can be a long process, and your needs can change as your life changes.

If you are thinking that there are secret induction ceremonies where men stand around admiringly, or maybe gang-banging (in the most perfect way possible, as if they read your mind!) a delicious new female sub-- Those scenes can happen, but they take some effort to bring about.

There is a metric fuckton of information about the wonderful world of fantasy fulfillment and also about real life D/s. One ounce or so is contained in the link in my sig. Please read it-- it concerns your definition of yourself.
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Old 11-27-2012, 04:42 PM   #9
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This has actually come up for me recently. My lover does not identify as my sub, exactly, though she is rather submissive to me and power exchange is an important part of how we enjoy each other. She will be unavailable to me for a few weeks, and it may be months before she is fully able to please me the way she wants to. So I've been looking around for a temporary subbie girl to entertain me while she's away (and perhaps to help her entertain me even when she's back). I only mention all this to say that this topic is prescient for me.

It's different for everyone, of course. To me it's not so important to find out whether the girl is a good sub ... it's more about whether she's a good sub *for me*. I like to talk (or PM a few times) first, of course, to be sure she can string a few sentences together, comprehend abstract thoughts and keep up with a witty conversation. Whether she's a sub or just a playmate, I like a girl with a sense of humor.

Once it's clear she's reasonably intelligent and there's at least enough "click" between us to form a friendship, I'll ask some questions, and make it clear that I expect honest answers. Some are simple questions ... what's the last good book you read? What color are your eyes? Some are more sexual ... when did you last orgasm? What is your favorite place to be kissed? Your favorite place to be slapped? Other questions are more personal and potentially embarrassing ... what color are your nipples? What is your least favorite physical feature of yourself?

I ask these for a number of reasons. First, I just want to know the answers. Second, I want to know whether she will hesitate to answer. Obedience is a big deal for me, and if she can't follow the simple instruction to answer honestly, chances are she's not the right sub for me. Third, I want to know whether she'll tell me things I don't have any right to know yet. How open will she be? Will she let herself be vulnerable, perhaps even embarrassed, for the sake of making me happy?

After that I'll try out a simple assignment or two. It might be something as simple as looking in the mirror and telling herself that her lips belong to me; it might be something a little more outlandish, like writing my name on her body or wearing her own wetness as perfume. Really depends. The point is to test her obedience. And her honesty. I think I'm pretty good at knowing when a girl is lying, and I'm not afraid to require photographic proof.

And then ... well, we just go from there. I'll find a use for you, or I won't. I may be able to teach and guide you, and I may not. If you're really new to the whole idea, I may be able to prepare you for your first real Dom. Who knows? That's what all those steps are for ... to get you started, to let me learn you, to help me determine not only whether I have a use for you, but what that use is.

Hope that helps! Feel free to PM if you have any other questions.
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Old 11-27-2012, 05:56 PM   #10
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Great sig!

ETA: Just to clarify, my "compliment" was 103.274% sarcasm.

1) It's plagiarism. Credit the author (Robert Frost).

2) Quote it correctly. There is only one period in the quoted lines - at the end.
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Old 11-27-2012, 10:17 PM   #11
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This has actually come up for me recently. My lover does not identify as my sub, exactly, though she is rather submissive to me and power exchange is an important part of how we enjoy each other. She will be unavailable to me for a few weeks, and it may be months before she is fully able to please me the way she wants to. So I've been looking around for a temporary subbie girl to entertain me while she's away (and perhaps to help her entertain me even when she's back). I only mention all this to say that this topic is prescient for me.

It's different for everyone, of course. To me it's not so important to find out whether the girl is a good sub ... it's more about whether she's a good sub *for me*. I like to talk (or PM a few times) first, of course, to be sure she can string a few sentences together, comprehend abstract thoughts and keep up with a witty conversation. Whether she's a sub or just a playmate, I like a girl with a sense of humor.

Once it's clear she's reasonably intelligent and there's at least enough "click" between us to form a friendship, I'll ask some questions, and make it clear that I expect honest answers. Some are simple questions ... what's the last good book you read? What color are your eyes? Some are more sexual ... when did you last orgasm? What is your favorite place to be kissed? Your favorite place to be slapped? Other questions are more personal and potentially embarrassing ... what color are your nipples? What is your least favorite physical feature of yourself?

I ask these for a number of reasons. First, I just want to know the answers. Second, I want to know whether she will hesitate to answer. Obedience is a big deal for me, and if she can't follow the simple instruction to answer honestly, chances are she's not the right sub for me. Third, I want to know whether she'll tell me things I don't have any right to know yet. How open will she be? Will she let herself be vulnerable, perhaps even embarrassed, for the sake of making me happy?

After that I'll try out a simple assignment or two. It might be something as simple as looking in the mirror and telling herself that her lips belong to me; it might be something a little more outlandish, like writing my name on her body or wearing her own wetness as perfume. Really depends. The point is to test her obedience. And her honesty. I think I'm pretty good at knowing when a girl is lying, and I'm not afraid to require photographic proof.

And then ... well, we just go from there. I'll find a use for you, or I won't. I may be able to teach and guide you, and I may not. If you're really new to the whole idea, I may be able to prepare you for your first real Dom. Who knows? That's what all those steps are for ... to get you started, to let me learn you, to help me determine not only whether I have a use for you, but what that use is.

Hope that helps! Feel free to PM if you have any other questions.
Leaving aside the interest in overlapping attachments, interest in online shenanigans, use of the word subbie, fishing for PMs, and impersonating-dead-poets fetish, this is reasonably close to my M.O. as well.

Get to know her as a person and check for compatibility, both intimate and not. No mystical BeeDeeEssEmm journey through a fantasy world, just basic relationship stuff.
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Old 11-27-2012, 11:36 PM   #12
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Leaving aside the interest in overlapping attachments, interest in online shenanigans, use of the word subbie, fishing for PMs, and impersonating-dead-poets fetish, this is reasonably close to my M.O. as well.

Get to know her as a person and check for compatibility, both intimate and not. No mystical BeeDeeEssEmm journey through a fantasy world, just basic relationship stuff.
I can't see you asking a woman what color her nipples are (in the courting stage) but perhaps it's just the limits of our internet relationship.
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:21 AM   #13
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I can't see you asking a woman what color her nipples are (in the courting stage) but perhaps it's just the limits of our internet relationship.
Ha. I do tend toward a subtler approach, it's true.
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:54 AM   #14
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Other than this one, is there a forum to help introduce a woman to a Dom?
I feel ridiculous asking, but I'm extremely new and curious to this too :/
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Old 11-28-2012, 12:57 AM   #15
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There is a metric fuckton of information about the wonderful world of fantasy fulfillment and also about real life D/s. One ounce or so is contained in the link in my sig. Please read it-- it concerns your definition of yourself.
Personally I just read your sig, and realised I have a lot more thinking to do. Luckily I have found a few people I trust to help me through my confusion.

As for the OPs question, I have known for a long time I am a masochist and that is about all I know for sure, well except for the fact that hubby cannot bring himself to hurt me and I am so bored of hurting myself that I enjoy the sensation but it does nothing for me otherwise. I have been wanting for about a decade to find someone that will happily hurt me (no this is not an invitation for sadists to PM me) but my fears stopped me from doing anything beyond playing online. Recently I met someone that intrigues me that lives in my area on fetlife. For the first time ever, I have accepted the offer to meet for coffee. When I mentioned being nervous and cautious and quite pensive he was very understanding and soothing.
The point of this ramble, get yourself comfortable online with someone and once you are comfortable with them and meet them. I don't know if anyone will agree with me at all, but this is my experience so far
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Old 11-28-2012, 02:09 AM   #16
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Other than this one, is there a forum to help introduce a woman to a Dom?
I feel ridiculous asking, but I'm extremely new and curious to this too :/
I sincerely don't mean this to sound as snippy as it may sound, but why on earth would a woman need a forum to "introduce" her to a dominant partner?

As for the OP's question...

I'm a nerd. Some friends explained the rudimentary basics of BDSM to me almost 10 years ago (I'd never heard of such a thing), because they knew I had an odd little brain, was sexually curious, and thought it might interest me. Actually, I think they gave me a copy of The New Bottoming Book for my birthday that year.

Anyway, I read. A lot. (Not erotica; actual informative books on the subject by authors considered knowledgeable in the daily workings of various forms of power exchange in relationships.) I joined Lit and asked a lot of foolish questions; I eventually started asking less foolish questions. I made some genuinely stupid relationship decisions. I made some mistakes. I forged my own path (with equal amounts of success and failure).

And now, 10 years down the road I have a decent idea of who (and what) I am, what it takes to make this kink stuff "click" for me, and how to manage my own shit [boundaries]. Along the way I've been told I think like a slave, I'm not very kinky, I must be a switch, I'm the perfect amount of crazy (in the odd little mind sort of way), that I'm not actually submissive at all, and that I'm the sweetest [submissive] woman someone important to me has ever met.

NOTE: Nowhere in that mishmash of words up there, did I mention that a dominant introduced me to submission. Have I known some brilliant and more experienced people who have offered opinions and experiences? Yes. Have I had friendships (intimate and not) that influenced my path? Yes. Have there been lovers to whom I've submitted? [Thank gawd] yes.

Ultimately (for me at least), it's a relationship, similar to any other. Which means he has to let me spoil him a bit, have the same taste in books as myself, share similar philosophical views as me, be a kick-ass friend, and we have to have complimentary sexual needs and desires.
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Old 11-28-2012, 09:52 AM   #17
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Great sig!

ETA: Just to clarify, my "compliment" was 103.274% sarcasm.

1) It's plagiarism. Credit the author (Robert Frost).

2) Quote it correctly. There is only one period in the quoted lines - at the end.
I never claimed authorship, so I'm not sure how it can be plagiarism. In fact my profile makes it pretty clear that I'm not the author of those famous lines. If you inferred that I was pretending to have written some of the most oft-quoted lines in all of American literature ... well, c'mon. Seriously? You can't even claim a copyright issue because the work is in the public domain. And the use of one stanza would qualify as fair use anyway, most likely.

You are quite right about the punctuation, however. I'll fix that straight away.

Now, let's take any further discussion of this to the I Think Quoting Poems in Your Sig Makes You a Douche thread and hash out our pedantry and insecurities there, and let this perfectly nice thread remain on topic.
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Old 12-04-2012, 10:50 PM   #18
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Without getting too intellectual about d/s, it can only work if the sub trusts her dom completely. In fantasy a dom may establish his power by fear and/or intimidation. He may be rewarded with her submission in the short-term, but without her trust it won't last. I believe that a majority of women would like to explore submission to a greater or lesser extent but they don't have a dominant partner that they can trust. In our culture, submissive women are often scorned if they are exposed publicly.

There are a few women who cross the line into masochism, and some doms who tend to be sadistic. I frankly don't understand the reasoning behind either practice. I can't criticize those who have an s/m relationship because I don't get off on pain and humiliation. Apparently some people do.

A woman who wants to dip her toes into submission can start with some light bondage, or maybe spanking. If she enjoys that, she can experiment with role play, where she can expand her interests while playing a submissive role. When she comes to trust her dom, and feels secure in their relationship, there are all kinds of possibilities. I can't even describe the joy I feel when I am with an obedient, submissive woman. Nor can I describe the joy that she feels when she can submit without fear.
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Old 12-05-2012, 01:11 AM   #19
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Yeah, that "Without fear" is a great thing.

Well... maybe a little fear? Like when you're on your way up the first rise of the rollercoaster.
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Old 12-05-2012, 01:54 AM   #20
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Yeah, that "Without fear" is a great thing.

Well... maybe a little fear? Like when you're on your way up the first rise of the rollercoaster.
That kinda fear is the reason I get up in the morning and jump into bed at night.
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Old 12-05-2012, 10:48 AM   #21
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intro a sub.

First it is more like you must find a woman that might have the drive to become a submissive or slave. I have tried many a woman and not all want to submit or surrender to those desires or whims.

Next not all submissive women are for you and you for all submissive women. The way I find them is by dating vanilla then find if she has any kink in her or not.
Ask what she reads a great teller of interest. is she is sensual or not?
Most women have read the shades of grey now. So it is a great starting point. Start with that and go in what ever direction you play brings you. good luck and good hunting. If you are dating online always see what they watch and read.

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Old 12-05-2012, 10:18 PM   #22
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A little bit of fear may be stimulating, but that trepidation is not what I was writing about. For instance, if I tell my little sub that i want her to climb into my sling, there may be a tinge of fear about what I am going to do to her bound naked body. But her trust will overcome her fears and and she will give in to her (and my) desires. She may feel a twinge of fear when I cuff her wrists together, rendering her all but helpless. She will know that I can violate her body in any manner that I choose. With her legs pulled up and apart, and her hands cuffed over her head, she has to submit to whatever I decide to do with her vulnerable body. She does it because she trusts me.
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Old 12-05-2012, 10:33 PM   #23
Stella_Omega
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Quote:
Originally Posted by brw02 View Post
A little bit of fear may be stimulating, but that trepidation is not what I was writing about. For instance, if I tell my little sub that i want her to climb into my sling, there may be a tinge of fear about what I am going to do to her bound naked body. But her trust will overcome her fears and and she will give in to her (and my) desires. She may feel a twinge of fear when I cuff her wrists together, rendering her all but helpless. She will know that I can violate her body in any manner that I choose. With her legs pulled up and apart, and her hands cuffed over her head, she has to submit to whatever I decide to do with her vulnerable body. She does it because she trusts me.
Awesome.

Everyone that makes this discovery, that invents this wheel all alone-- each one of us, genius.

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