Go Back   Literotica Discussion Board > Main Literotica Forums > BDSM Talk

Reply
 
Thread Tools

Old 12-05-2012, 07:06 PM   #26
marieR19
Literotica Guru
 
marieR19's Avatar
 
marieR19 is offline
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 756
Netzach-

I, for one, would be even *more* willing to call out a man on this kind of crap.

Yes, people often look at porn in order to *not* mess with their marriage. But the simple fact of the matter is, it often messes with marriages anyways.

The OP says, of this other guy, "We spend time together talking, writing, and occasionally sharing fantasies about things neither of our spouses want to know about."
If she is *sharing fantasies* with him, I think that's something significantly different then just having a friend.

The truth is, a LOT of people in relationships would NOT stand for this kind of thing. Going behind their back to constantly talk to someone and deliberately hide it, while talking to this person about fantasies... Yeah, that's not usually going to go over very well when "hubby" accidentally finds out that she's been lying to him, keeping secrets.

And that's what this is really about. She said nothing whatsoever about "hubby" knowing about this other "someone", and the way she phrased her posts leads me to believe that "hubby" is in the dark. Keeping secrets, no matter what they are, normally strains a marriage.

I don't think many of us would be jumping on her if she was open and honest with her hubby about what's going on.
__________________
....

Quotes from my current in-progress novel:

“I understand. We can take things slow… And okay, that may be the wrong phrase since we’ve already slept together, but the more relationship-type things, I’m not going to push you, alright?”

"Remy gently grabbed her arm and pulled her close, lips meeting softly. I bit my own lip and watched as their kiss slowly deepened, watched as Remy's hand slowly rested against the back of Allison's neck to pull her closer. This was the part where I was supposed to get jealous, right? Speak up, ask what the hell was going on? But I couldn't. I couldn't ruin the moment because no matter what I *should* have been feeling, I wasn't."

"Surely if I was going to be concerned about any of her destructive habits I *should* be attempting to talk to her about the drugs… But that felt like a much more difficult thing to approach then her promiscuity."
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-06-2012, 01:42 PM   #27
duckandbunny79
Really Really Experienced
 
duckandbunny79's Avatar
 
duckandbunny79 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Yorkshire
Posts: 473
Quote:
Originally Posted by Netzach View Post
Part of me agrees part of me is "are you people for real?"

People do cyber/phone sex/look at porn who are married usually in order to keep FROM doing more outside the marriage.

This "you might as well be fucking him if you're talking about it" is so Christian and weird a morality to me. On my personal planet, talking and thinking do not equal doinking. It's all very "I have lusted in my heart."

Yeah, don't let your spouse feel neglected, talk to them, fix the marital problems etc. AND in the real world we live in, maybe dare to address some of your needs on your time. Whatever.

Women are more inclined (not always but often) to get emotionally involved with everyone who gives them an orgasm, but in truth I don't see anything here that isn't equivalent to guys who jack off to am pics and leave complimentary messages.

As I see it this person is NOT responsible for the hurt feeewings of his wife - he is and she is. Completely sexist whore-shaming bullshit that she should "think of his wife." Let him do it.

This person is responsible for her marriage, in which the message is pretty clear that her sexuality is of little importance. If everything-but-the-sex is hunky dory, then that's a quandary, if not, I can't imagine why anyone would hesitate to look elsewhere and/or move on - BUT it's not ME, guess what!

Everyone here seems to think that gross sexual incompatibility can be "worked through" - that's downright delusional.

I know one thing. If this person didn't have a female av, these responses would be SO much less "let's gleefully call out the slut".

I've not brought gender into this, in fact hardly anyone has apart from your good self. As far as I'm concerned this person could be male or female. Also you have to take this thread in conjunction with the previous, very similar thread, that did not shed the OP, as sharing of their experiences.

If they are just using the net as wank material then fair enough, but the OP, to me indicates wanting more than just a bit of online fun. In an ideal world everyone would share their fantasies with their partner/partners, but I accept that most people struggle to be honest with themselves never mind other people, who they may fear getting a negative reaction from.

I also accept that not all relationships work out, but I still don't see anything wrong with being honest and telling your partner that. Rather than being dishonest. I'm maybe miss reading between the lines, but to me this is not about something as small as having fantasies or masterbation thoughts, but over having a relationship that the OP suggests did they live closer would be more than simply sharing thoughts and ideas.

If a woman wants to masterbate, fuck as many men/women, or as few men/women as she feels like then that is her choice, same as it is for a man. But whether a man or a woman, if you have commited to someone to be commited soley to them, then in my opinion they should try to live up to that commitment and if not let go, regardless of whether we believe marrage is a valid lifestyle choice or not.

I'm sure if I sold you something, but did not deliver on my side of the deal, you would not say that it's fine for me to cheat you, as not cheating is a soley Christian ideal and not something that is a realistic lifestyle choice.

Last edited by duckandbunny79 : 12-06-2012 at 01:46 PM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-07-2012, 01:37 PM   #28
Netzach
>semiotics?
 
Netzach's Avatar
 
Netzach is offline
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 21,341
Quote:
Originally Posted by duckandbunny79 View Post

I'm sure if I sold you something, but did not deliver on my side of the deal, you would not say that it's fine for me to cheat you, as not cheating is a soley Christian ideal and not something that is a realistic lifestyle choice.
You are still comparing not delivering the goods to going out and window shopping at other stores and coming back home. It's the same problem as being married to a gamer who's being compulsive about it - AT THIS TIME.

Until the deed is fait accompli I don't see as much "there" there as everyone else. Even then, as shitty things that people do go, infidelity is a little less outrageous to me than a lot of other things, and draws far more energy than it deserves in a world of genocide and poverty and whatever. Before everyone invented the rules of ethical slutness, a lot of good people have had "it's complicated" as their status, and their foibles don't negate everything else about them.

If the spouses are pissed, let them put up the ultimatums. We all know how well those work.

Like someone has to say "by the way, I'm going to say this because I'm dealing with a woman expressing interests outside her marriage commitment" every time they're about to say something amazingly sexist in context? It's not like this conversation doesn't come up regularly. Guys don't get a pass, but they don't get the same flavor of being raked over the coals. It's much more "do the honorable thing" not "think of the hearth and home where you BELONG." I have NEVER in my legnthening life seen a guy told to "think about HER husband!"
__________________
Any idiot, of course, can dump enough cayenne or hot sauce into a bowl of ground beef and ignite your head. - Tony Bourdain

Last edited by Netzach : 12-07-2012 at 02:01 PM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-07-2012, 03:05 PM   #29
duckandbunny79
Really Really Experienced
 
duckandbunny79's Avatar
 
duckandbunny79 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Yorkshire
Posts: 473
Quote:
Originally Posted by Netzach View Post
You are still comparing not delivering the goods to going out and window shopping at other stores and coming back home. It's the same problem as being married to a gamer who's being compulsive about it - AT THIS TIME.

Until the deed is fait accompli I don't see as much "there" there as everyone else. Even then, as shitty things that people do go, infidelity is a little less outrageous to me than a lot of other things, and draws far more energy than it deserves in a world of genocide and poverty and whatever. Before everyone invented the rules of ethical slutness, a lot of good people have had "it's complicated" as their status, and their foibles don't negate everything else about them.

If the spouses are pissed, let them put up the ultimatums. We all know how well those work.

Like someone has to say "by the way, I'm going to say this because I'm dealing with a woman expressing interests outside her marriage commitment" every time they're about to say something amazingly sexist in context? It's not like this conversation doesn't come up regularly. Guys don't get a pass, but they don't get the same flavor of being raked over the coals. It's much more "do the honorable thing" not "think of the hearth and home where you BELONG." I have NEVER in my legnthening life seen a guy told to "think about HER husband!"

Fair point, but they just don't get raked across the coals as much as they have not met me. I rake em both across the coals (unless they are into that kinda thing).

To be honest if the conversation comes up regularly then I plead a little ignorance as I tend to float in and out of the forums.

In the en though, if people are going to ask for peoples opinions then they are going to get them, welcome or unwelcome.

True infidelity is low on the scale of crapness in life, but you can put alot of things low on importance in life, if we start making a scale I'm sure we could find a few things worse than murder, but it does not mean murder is not terrible in itself.

ps are there really rules about ethical slutness????
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-07-2012, 03:09 PM   #30
duckandbunny79
Really Really Experienced
 
duckandbunny79's Avatar
 
duckandbunny79 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Yorkshire
Posts: 473
Double standards

I'll tell you what does annoy me in terms of double standards. It's picture posting. Specifically posting pictures of women with men in the shot, the picture of the woman is there for all to see the man is blanked out.

Firstly it makes no sense as if anyone recognises the woman, then the man is going to be obvious, but if you are going to expose your other half to the world of eternal online porn, be at least willing to do the same to yourself.

We have always gone for a no face pics rule, but I have no qualms about people seeing as much of me as they do of my wife.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-07-2012, 05:41 PM   #31
GobletHolly182
Experienced
 
GobletHolly182 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: DC
Posts: 59
There are rules to ethical sluthood! I first heard of The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy on this forum, can't remember whose tip it was, but I wish I could find them again and thank them. One of the authors' main precepts is that relationships should be consensual. (And 'cheating' is essentially nonconsenual nonmonogamy.)

I think emotional affairs are a grey area that need to be worked out by the individuals in a relationship. When you commit to one person through marriage, we like to think that we are promising to love them exclusively forever. I think this is a beautiful ideal. But how realistic is it? No-one screams emotional affair when a husband spends more quality time with his buddies than with his spouse, or when a wife shares secrets with her girlfriends that she wouldn't consider telling her husband. Can very close relationships with a parent or with a child create emotional distance in a marriage? Of course they can.

You could say that only ROMANTIC bonds are at issue. By most accounts, though, maintaining romantic love over a long period of time is not impossible but not easy. And I just don't see how you can STOP yourself from being attracted to new people. Yes, you can recognize those feelings and cut yourself off from all contact immediately, but you can't prevent them from forming.

The "think of the other husband/wife" thing gets to me, because I'm just not convinced that the needs of someone's married partner are greater/more important/more legitimate than the needs of the outside person. Infidelity can certainly cause overwhelming pain - greater even than the stresses of poverty or physical attack (I'll give Netzach genocide, lol) - but so can breaking it off with the 3rd party.

I agree with Azalea that sometimes the choice is between "sexual titillation or a longterm covenant" ... but it could also be between 'twu wuv or a longterm covenant'. What then? I quote Wanda von Dunajew:

"Shall I belong to one man whom I don’t love, merely because I have once loved him? No, I do not renounce; I love everyone who pleases me, and give happiness to everyone who loves me. Is that ugly? No, it is more beautiful by far, than if cruelly I enjoy the tortures, which my beauty excites, and virtuously reject the poor fellow who is pining away for me."

Safest, maybe, not to enter into permanent covenants. But that's sad, too.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-07-2012, 05:46 PM   #32
BiBunny
Spider...Bunny?
 
BiBunny's Avatar
 
BiBunny is offline
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Alabama
Posts: 9,833
Being cheated on is worse than being poor? Really? In what fucking universe? Because I'd sure love to live there.
__________________
"HOT CROSS BUNNY!" ~DGE



As a dreamer of dreams and a traveling Bun,
I have chalked up many a mile
Read dozens of books
About heroes and crooks
And I learned much from both of their styles


Grammar is very important to the Nazi party.

Na razrusha'ya. E'ya razrushost.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-07-2012, 06:07 PM   #33
GobletHolly182
Experienced
 
GobletHolly182 is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: DC
Posts: 59
Depends on the situation. Not 100% of the time. Some people are cheated on, dump their partner, and move on. Some people deal with years of emotional trauma and never enjoy another healthy relationship. Some people kill themselves.

Do YOU think that all poor people would choose money over their loved one's faithfulness?
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-08-2012, 12:14 PM   #34
IrisAlthea
Literotica Guru
 
IrisAlthea's Avatar
 
IrisAlthea is offline
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 1,273
Quote:
Originally Posted by GobletHolly182 View Post
Depends on the situation. Not 100% of the time. Some people are cheated on, dump their partner, and move on. Some people deal with years of emotional trauma and never enjoy another healthy relationship. Some people kill themselves.

Do YOU think that all poor people would choose money over their loved one's faithfulness?
If we are talking poor like about too loose the roof over your head and not being able to feed the kids, then yes.

People doing things behind your back that you both agree they shouldn't is something that hurts but it comes with human interaction. Nobodys perfect an we all fuck up sometimes in some way and there are worse things in life, really.

Some people do kill themselves and most do for reasons that wouldn't be nearly enough to make them do something like that if all else in life was fine and dandy.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-08-2012, 04:42 PM   #35
BlueNightingale
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
~^..^
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-08-2012, 08:09 PM   #36
thewantonwife
Experienced
 
thewantonwife is offline
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 35
Honesty is key...

Honesty with all of your partners AND yourself.

I have been there - and it's so supremely painful, heartbreaking and destructive. Not only to your marriage and bit on the side, but to YOUR whole being.

A couple things you should ask yourself:

Do you still love your husband?

Do you feel the pit of your stomach flip and feel nauseous when you think of your future without him?

Your answers to these questions will show you which path is yours (stay or go). It's difficult to do and probably one of the most emotionally painful things you will do in your life - BUT IT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

If you prolong it, you will not only do damage both relationships but YOUR emotional well being.

My story is similar, but different in the respect that once my Husband and i talked about kink He was receptive. But stepping out, for us, caused copious amounts of damage. So much so, i'm now seeing a therapist to sort through my self-esteem and self-worth issues.

Sweetie, have courage and do what you feel in your heart - not your panties. It's hard, but you can make a decision and take control of your life back. Being submissive DOES NOT mean being diminished.
__________________
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
i found my one and only, we got married.
we drifted apart and i cheated.
we are reconciling, now our journey together continues in our D/s marriage...
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

tww

Last edited by thewantonwife : 12-08-2012 at 08:15 PM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-31-2012, 07:53 AM   #37
CVJoiner
Really Really Experienced
 
CVJoiner is offline
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 384
She has apparently left the proverbial building ... which makes me quite sad.

If she cams with her 'other guy' or her hubby like she did with me, they are lucky guys! She could be naughty!
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-31-2012, 02:04 PM   #38
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
 
Stella_Omega's Avatar
 
Stella_Omega is offline
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Shaken, not stirred
Posts: 39,304
Quote:
Originally Posted by CVJoiner View Post
She has apparently left the proverbial building ... which makes me quite sad.

If she cams with her 'other guy' or her hubby like she did with me, they are lucky guys! She could be naughty!
She wants to blame the site for her shit.

AH, well.
__________________
"Oh woe, these be perilous times! Children no longer obey their elders, and everybody is writing a book!"
--Pliny the Elder, AD76

All about Stella; My AH profile
Stella's stories on lit

An essay for BDSM Newbies; Top, bottom, dominant, submissive-- and the differences thereof Now rewritten with extra sparkle!
  Reply With Quote

Old 01-03-2013, 11:41 AM   #39
CVJoiner
Really Really Experienced
 
CVJoiner is offline
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 384
oh .... I pretty much guarantee you she hasn't 'left' ... deleted this user and created another ... but someone like her can not stay away from this. Besides ... her 'other man' ... he who professed his undying love to her is still on here ... why would she leave?
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:37 AM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.