This is not too bad, all things considered, but there are technical issues. You have a
lot of missing commas, resulting in run-on sentences; the entire story is riddled with them, as well as miscapitalization. As an example from the fourth paragraph:
Quote:
|
"Crusader," The call came from behind, a voice of pure fury and vengeance the word descending into a terrible scream "Crusader," he turned too fast his head throbbed an almighty pain, his stomach lurched again and he fell forward his left arm barely keeping him up right.
|
This is four or five sentences. You have it punctuated as one. Here's what it should be:
Quote:
|
"Crusader!" The call came from behind, a voice of pure fury and vengeance, the word descending into a terrible scream. "Crusader!" He turned too fast. His head throbbed, an almighty pain. His stomach lurched again and he fell forward, his left arm barely keeping him upright.
|
(If you want to be technical, some of those periods could be replaced by semi-colons. But those are a bit advanced for someone who isn't yet using commas and periods correctly.
)
Some historicals: what kind of "broad sword" are you talking about? The sword that is actually named "broadsword" is a
basket-hilted sword that became prominent in the 16th century--probably in the future of your story's historical standpoint. Modern historians also use the word "broadsword" to refer to stereotypical straight-bladed cruciform swords used by knights, crusaders and their ilk (as opposed to the slim-bladed, stabbing weapons of fencing). Modern historians call them that. Knights and crusaders
did not. Your character would call his weapon an
arming sword or a
longsword. (These weapons pre-dated fencing swords, so there was no need to differentiate in the first place.) Also, a spaulder made of
iron? Iron is quite brittle and shatters under sufficient force, which a giant with an axe would almost certainly be able to deliver. (This is why almost all forms of metal armor are made of steel.) It's not hard to do this sort of research, and if you don't, you run the risk of alienating anyone who has done any of it--which is liable to be quite a few people.
The idea that Rosen would be so casual about his affair being discovered is a little ridiculous. For the queen to sleep around is high treason and punishable by death, and Rosen would certainly meet the headsman beside her. He should be struggling to maintain his composure a lot more than he is. Additionally, the idea of Oundle being concerned with her pleasure in bed is possibly anachronistic. The idea that women enjoy sex is very, very old;
Lysistrata predicates on it. The idea that women
should enjoy sex is rather more modern. What Oundle believes is partially dependent upon the morality being espoused by the Barthenite church, but any culture that is willing to launch a crusade is bound to be pretty repressive. And women's sexuality is
always a threat to heredity, because (as Oundle proves) the king can't actually prevent the queen from sleeping around. And yet she's supposed to bear him heirs. What if she shows up one day with a kid she
says is his, but is actually Rosen's? And now you know why the king needs to encourage her to lie back and think of England. Or Dolan, as it were.
Finally, we must address the plot--or rather, what little of it is there. It's obvious you're planning to take the story somewhere, but you've saved too much of it for later--were I reading this for fun, I would not come back for Chapter 2 because I haven't seen enough in Chapter 1 to actually make me interested. I'm sure you
plan to say more; your instincts are correct in keeping the first chapter to absolute minimums; and obviously there is value in leaving The Reader wanting more... But there is also such thing as withholding
too much, and you've landed squarely on that side of the line. I mean, the chapter's not even 3000 words long! Additionally, you've misplaced your priorities. If I wanted to read about crusaders, I'd fire up Wikipedia. What I want to know about are the things only
you can tell me: the gods Barthen and Gorgorath, the kingdoms of Dolan and Timeros, Rosen and Oundle and Balestre. And when an entire chapter goes by without you actually
saying anything about those selling points, I get bored and walk away. So please, for Chapter 2, make
dead certain that we start learning something about these characters. If we don't care about them, the story is over.
Oh, and, I'm sorry, but I have trouble taking the name "Oundle" seriously. It sounds like it belongs on a gnome, not a queen.
