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Old 10-29-2012, 07:01 PM   #1
xelliebabex
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Smile What is BDSM to you?

I was in another forum when I read this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by lovecraft68 View Post
I agree with the others. If your opinions are truly how you feel then don't apologize for them ever.

As for BDSM, its a fine line in a lot of ways and there are many factions within it. Its called "The lifestyle" for a reason and different people practice it differently just like Christianity, same god, but a whole lot of arguing about the finer points.
This made me very curious and I wanted to ask the question in an accepting environment that wouldn't pounce on each others answers: What is BDSM to you?

So I guess In a forum directed purely at people who practice 'the lifestyle' where are you on the spectrum of BDSM? Do you like a spanking now and then or to give one? Are you hard core, go hard or go home? Is it just about controlling or serving the one you love without a kinky sexual element?

Personally, I tend toward the harsher side of the spectrum, while I wouldn't consider myself a masochist, (I have some limits: SSC) it is about surrendering to power and control of another. I enjoy bondage, erotic pain and some humiliation at home, but I also don't flaunt my status to the general public.

Typical princess by day slut by night, little girl type.

Curious to know if anyone else would like to share what makes them part of "The life style"
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Old 10-29-2012, 07:35 PM   #2
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BDSM is a lot of things to me. It's a game, a way of life, an outlet. It is power, pleasure and pain. It is fun, and a lot more. So, so much more.

Where I am on "the spectrum" though depends entirely on the submissive I am with. I like some pretty extreme stuff, by most people's standards. I've really yet to find many limits for myself, and I've never found anyone capable of pushing me to them or beyond. So I usually just do what I can with who I am with and focus on enjoying it.

Though, sometimes it also depends on my mood. I've been known to have some pretty strange moods, that make me do some pretty strange things. Heh.
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Old 10-30-2012, 01:08 AM   #3
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Intimacy.

I rarely bother worrying about where I am on the "spectrum" and spend even less time bothering with identifying with BDSM as a "lifestyle". I allow the men I love to run the relationship[s], and do my best to cater to their needs. It all looks rather boring from the outside, really...
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Old 10-30-2012, 03:00 PM   #4
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It's mostly physical for me... not a long-term relationship thing. There are power-play aspects that enhance the physical-- for me-- but not so much the other way around.
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Old 10-30-2012, 08:45 PM   #5
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It is a label that means many things to many different people. Conceptually, to me, it is a group of people who approach things in different ways in love/sex/relationships then most people in ways that revolve around aspects of control/sensation play/heightened sensuality/life rules.......

In terms of how I live it, to me it is a way of enjoying my spouse/partner/friend (she is all of these and more) and find new ways to experience sensations and feelings and power dynamics, in and out of the bedroom, that often changes as we change or as time allows. One time it might be a pretty intense session with hot candle wax or play piercing, another it might be a bout of bondage where I have to give my utmost attention to my domme's pleasure to earn other things I might want/desire, like for her to strap on my favorite dildo and give me a good reaming or perhaps a session with a favorite flogger..at other times it is spending time in Mistress/slave mode and having to follow strict rules or be punished..other times it is kink play where I do her, but with the note that it is for her pleasure, not mine, I have to do the things she enjoy, not where I want to take her......

As far as being lifestyle, don't even know if I care, I consider anyone who does the various things in BD/SM as lifestyle, others consider that only those people who live it 24/7 with D/s relationships, or the people whose whole lives is leather events and play parties and so forth.......as others said, I am in the school of "if ya like doing the stuff, you is lifestyle"..about the only place lifestyle has any meaning to me might be with professional dominants, some of them are lifestyle (they do this in their private lives), but the ones who do it 'as a job, as play acting" only aren't *shrug*
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Old 10-30-2012, 11:51 PM   #6
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for me, its more personal and intimate that vanilla sex. the girl i'm with is making herself completely vulnerable to me and is trusting me not to forget that. that's the part that turns me on the most.

i'm starting to open myself to the lifestyle of it a bit, but for now, its mostly about the act and a bit of the power play.
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Old 10-31-2012, 04:18 AM   #7
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Thank you all for sharing with me, I really appreciate your openness and even more so think the arguments over what constitutes BDSM are just plain silly. The spectrum is too broad to be defined by one single thought.

As are many of the lifestyle choices/categories here on literotica.
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Old 11-01-2012, 08:27 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PervyMind View Post
for me, its more personal and intimate that vanilla sex. the girl i'm with is making herself completely vulnerable to me and is trusting me not to forget that. that's the part that turns me on the most.

i'm starting to open myself to the lifestyle of it a bit, but for now, its mostly about the act and a bit of the power play.
This, in reverse. The intimacy that my submission brings....
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Old 11-02-2012, 05:21 AM   #9
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To me BDSM is when in a casual conversation with friends about what you like in bed and you mention something you and get weird looks for it.

I'm still discovering what it means to me, and maybe for now that's what it is. It's exploring the world of sex and intimacy outside of societal norms and in some cases coming to accept that that is perfectly ok to do.
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Old 11-02-2012, 07:44 AM   #10
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For me it's simply...... trust. Once you have that its all good.
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Old 11-02-2012, 08:13 AM   #11
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I suppose I should have mentioned the trust and intimacy thing, too. That's a big part of it for me, and one of the primary reasons that vanilla relationships bore me and turn me off now.

You don't have to trust your lover a whole lot to be in a vanilla relationship, but trust is the very foundation of anything to do with power exchange--real D/s simply can't happen without it. And I like that. I want my lover to trust me, and I most certainly want to be able to trust them.

And it's so much easier to trust someone who understands and values how important trust is, and is willing to demonstrate that trust be giving me power over them. It's not just a turn on, it's something that is indescribably intimate and, in perhaps a slightly twisted way, very romantic.
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Old 11-02-2012, 03:55 PM   #12
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I'm going with what I discovered a few months ago with my adoption of genderqueer and asexual identities:

Reread 1984. That's what I want my BDSM to feel like.
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Old 11-03-2012, 12:50 AM   #13
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Well I haven't been able to figure BDSM, but I figured if there are gamer geeks, book geeks, then kinksters must be sex geeks. =]
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Old 11-03-2012, 09:05 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SongbirdLira View Post
Well I haven't been able to figure BDSM, but I figured if there are gamer geeks, book geeks, then kinksters must be sex geeks. =]
Hah! This is brilliant.

And it reminds me of a quote I saw years ago, on a TV channel that doesn't exist anymore.

"Nerds just brag. Geeks get things DONE!"
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Old 11-03-2012, 08:25 PM   #15
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BDSM for me is... well, it's a way to kill two birds with one stone. Personally, I am a dom, and for me that is a way to find some control in a world where control is very hard to find on anything but myself, but to also fufill the desires and fantasies of my sub. It is my job and pleasure to control her (in bed), and to fulfill any desires she may have in being controlled.

Sex is where my being a dom begins and ends, I cannot stand subs who are not strong, independent, individuals in the rest of life, no offense intended.
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Old 11-03-2012, 08:35 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by daikarasu View Post
I cannot stand subs who are not strong, independent, individuals in the rest of life, no offense intended.
There are plenty of subs who are strong, independent individuals and still enjoy a 24/7 lifestyle.

A 24/7 sub isn't necessarily a weak and dependent person. I've known plenty and heard of plenty more who enjoy careers and hobbies and all sorts of life things, just with the twist of being someone's slave.
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Old 11-03-2012, 08:45 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thelovingsadist View Post
There are plenty of subs who are strong, independent individuals and still enjoy a 24/7 lifestyle.

A 24/7 sub isn't necessarily a weak and dependent person. I've known plenty and heard of plenty more who enjoy careers and hobbies and all sorts of life things, just with the twist of being someone's slave.
Well, I'm not really saying that 24/7 subs are weak and dependent, though I realize it looks a lot like I did... I just like the games to remain in the bed.
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Old 11-03-2012, 08:54 PM   #18
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That's fine. I understand what you meant, and I'm not judging you for it. Bedroom BDSM is fine. Not my preference, personally, but I have nothing against it and I've practiced it that way plenty of times.

But I've met a lot of people who seem to think that lifestyle subs are not or can not be strong and independent people, with successful careers and hobbies and a free spirit. It's not that they are weak as people, it's just that the Master is (or should be) that much stronger, and the two have come to a consensual agreement that brings them both great pleasure.
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Old 11-03-2012, 08:58 PM   #19
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For a long while BDSM was about the calm in the eye of the storm. A peaceful place in the control of another. Knowing that for a short time, there was no self questioning or doubt. Just the certainty of being exactly what someone wanted.

But my sexual wings have spread a little further and as I've become more myself, it's about enjoying the moment to the fullest and a lot of fun.

I get a great deal of emotional and physical satisfaction taking what I want from his body, overwhelming him with sensation and tapping his hidden vulnerable side.

And the moments he takes what he wants from me, fearlessly and unappologetically; those moments make me cry out in pleasure and triumph and sheer joy.
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Old 11-03-2012, 09:00 PM   #20
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Right, and I mean, each to their own. Though, I have met a number of subs in every aspect of their life who were exactly that way, grew too obsessed, or just were terribly uninteresting, and failed to live a well rounded life because of it. I realize this is just bad luck on my part, though.
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Old 11-07-2012, 04:26 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xelliebabex View Post
I was in another forum when I read this:



This made me very curious and I wanted to ask the question in an accepting environment that wouldn't pounce on each others answers: What is BDSM to you?

So I guess In a forum directed purely at people who practice 'the lifestyle' where are you on the spectrum of BDSM? Do you like a spanking now and then or to give one? Are you hard core, go hard or go home? Is it just about controlling or serving the one you love without a kinky sexual element?

Personally, I tend toward the harsher side of the spectrum, while I wouldn't consider myself a masochist, (I have some limits: SSC) it is about surrendering to power and control of another. I enjoy bondage, erotic pain and some humiliation at home, but I also don't flaunt my status to the general public.

Typical princess by day slut by night, little girl type.

Curious to know if anyone else would like to share what makes them part of "The life style"
To me (when I submit and for that matter how I feel about another submitting to me) its about giving someone everything. My trust, my body, and my heart because i know they'll treat them with respect. Sure I can play with it to but for me at its core its about putting myself in another's hands and enjoying the surrender that means. I don't see submitting as an act of weakness either it takes a lot of strength to give yourself so fully to another and to trust that deeply.
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Old 11-07-2012, 01:57 PM   #22
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Old 11-07-2012, 02:42 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KoPilot View Post
I'm going with what I discovered a few months ago with my adoption of genderqueer and asexual identities:

Reread 1984. That's what I want my BDSM to feel like.
I regularly have new hot sexualish ideas when I read your posts, which is really cool.

For me it's a journey, extroverted and introverted. It's the part of my identity that has a lot of dark overgrowth and a lot of happy smurf villages I've never seen yet.
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Old 11-07-2012, 05:46 PM   #24
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BDSM makes me complete. As a sexual sadist dominance and control go hand in hand witthh trust and caring. My girlfriend has told me that one f the things she enjoys about it is she don't have to think - that's my job. She works in a hospital and is also raising two children currently as a single mother so she's always thinking and forced into taking charge of important decisions and just totaly loves the break and to be able to just relax and drift away while we play and in ther areas as well. It works out great for us because its often one of the few things in. Life I do have a say and or control over. Its such a turn on t have such a strong willed and independant and intelligent woman completly submit to me. While we don't live a master/slave lifestyle she does enjoy me takeing the lead. A true submissive. Of course we have limits and so frth and her kids are always first but we manage quite well.

As fr labels I consider my self middle of road on average but totaly enjoy when we can go deeper. As for others I would think anyone who Does some sort of power exchange or role playing gets into some type of BDSM even if they don't care to admit it. To each their own...
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Old 11-07-2012, 06:44 PM   #25
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Its about trust, respect and acceptance IMO. You need a high level of trust to submit to someone, a lot more than you need to marry someone.
Someone once defined a BDSM relationship as Two consenting adults seeking a (not necessarily sexual) relationship in order to satisfy non traditional needs that their partners cannot understand or find unacceptable.
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