Are there any specific questions you have, or are you just after general feedback.
Generally, the writing quality is fairly good and the imagery is okay as far as it goes, but I don't think there is enough depth to the story. We don't really find out anything about the characters (even the real basics like what they look like), or the environment that they are in, or why they are there, or their relationship or anything really.
And all the short scenes (for want of a better word) seem to be over before they have begun. Your characters bounce around from one Vegas venue to another and you zip through the build-up as fast as possible to get to the sexy parts, forgoing any of the context that makes erotica really come to life. But then when you actually get to the sex parts they seem to be a little bit rushed too unfortunately.
In summary, I think this story is too short really even for a stroke story. You clearly have some writing talent, but you might want to consider taking a bit more time on your next story, making sure the characters and scenes that exist in your head are communicated effectively to the readers at a pace where they can enjoy the ride.
Last edited by SevenSquared : 11-02-2012 at 05:39 AM.