Go Back   Literotica Discussion Board > Main Literotica Forums > Poetry Feedback & Discussion

Reply
 
Thread Tools

Old 10-06-2010, 01:42 PM   #1
butters
Harry's Girl
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 52,315
a just for fun challenge

to participate's to be a winner. the no-shows are the losers

dustystar's poem, a tangential off-shoot from Carlos Williams' Red Barrow poem, got me inspired so, i'll post a poem and you guys use it to parody or springboard from. if you like, leave a different poem by someone well known for others to tamper with

here you go:

Miracle Ice Cream by Adrienne Rich

Miracle's truck comes down the little avenue,
Scott Joplin ragtime strewn behind it like pearls,
and, yes, you can feel happy
with one piece of your heart.

Take what's still given: in a room's rich shadow
a woman's breasts swinging lightly as she bends.
Early now the pearl of dusk dissolves.
Late, you sit weighing the evening news,
fast-food miracles, ghostly revolutions,
the rest of your heart.
__________________
poetry submissions


What strange machinery lies between her ears
HarryHill


'tender hearted...

Last edited by chipbutty : 10-06-2010 at 06:57 PM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-06-2010, 03:57 PM   #2
nerk
Literotica Guru
 
nerk's Avatar
 
nerk is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: With my parents, obviously.
Posts: 632
Turkey in the Straw

For a few months after college
he drove a truck
drawing young faces
that clamored for ecstasy
and relief.
Each night, the cool sweet
limbs of his girl, wrapped
around him.


One day at the corner
of Pleasure and Desire
a small crowd by a barricade
and an idling ambulance
eyes turning to see
the ice cream truck
and a young boy comes
for a bullet


On the day his son graduates
he hums Turkey in the Straw
and leaves the party
before anyone asks

Last edited by nerk : 10-06-2010 at 03:59 PM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-06-2010, 10:12 PM   #3
Tzara
Dandy
 
Tzara's Avatar
 
Tzara is offline
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 6,056
Quote:
Originally Posted by nerk View Post
For a few months after college
he drove a truck
drawing young faces
that clamored for ecstasy
and relief.
Each night, the cool sweet
limbs of his girl, wrapped
around him.


One day at the corner
of Pleasure and Desire
a small crowd by a barricade
and an idling ambulance
eyes turning to see
the ice cream truck
and a young boy comes
for a bullet


On the day his son graduates
he hums Turkey in the Straw
and leaves the party
before anyone asks
I like this, Nerkster.

Good riff.
__________________
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.
—Dante Gabriel Rossetti
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-06-2010, 10:12 PM   #4
Tristesse2
chillin'
 
Tristesse2's Avatar
 
Tristesse2 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: where you'd like to be
Posts: 11,824
Quote:
Originally Posted by nerk View Post
For a few months after college
he drove a truck
drawing young faces
that clamored for ecstasy
and relief.
Each night, the cool sweet
limbs of his girl, wrapped
around him.


One day at the corner
of Pleasure and Desire
a small crowd by a barricade
and an idling ambulance
eyes turning to see
the ice cream truck
and a young boy comes
for a bullet


On the day his son graduates
he hums Turkey in the Straw
and leaves the party
before anyone asks
I really like this! Image and narrative with just a pinch of mystery that allows us to imagine what's left unsaid.
__________________
An invitation to read.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-06-2010, 10:22 PM   #5
Tzara
Dandy
 
Tzara's Avatar
 
Tzara is offline
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 6,056
Quote:
Originally Posted by chipbutty View Post
i'll post a poem and you guys use it to parody or springboard from. if you like, leave a different poem by someone well known for others to tamper with

here you go:

Miracle Ice Cream by Adrienne Rich

Miracle's truck comes down the little avenue,
Scott Joplin ragtime strewn behind it like pearls,
and, yes, you can feel happy
with one piece of your heart.

Take what's still given: in a room's rich shadow
a woman's breasts swinging lightly as she bends.
Early now the pearl of dusk dissolves.
Late, you sit weighing the evening news,
fast-food miracles, ghostly revolutions,
the rest of your heart.
First off, nice selection, cb. I haven't read much by Ms. Rich, and I quite like the poem.

Not that that should or does matter to her or to you, but I did. Like it.

OK, now--my sucky response:
Madagascar

I'm so tired of the tin, pin-prick sound
of those electronic versions of The Sting
that float about the neighborhood
like an infestation of tuneless bees
that I sometimes forget about the cream
of her breasts, their conic sway
as she bends, topless in this heat
of Almost Autumn and I have to say
You wanna talk miracles? Why dontcha
think about vanilla and what a treat
it is to blossom-dive an orchid,
for that taut little pod.
Or so to speak.
And you said I could leave a poem, not to replace yours as inspiration, but to plunk down something else for people to look at, try this (I'm kind of digging Vincent right now):
Sonnet XLIII
Edna St. Vincent Millay

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.
BTW, the winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature for 2010 is announced tomorrow. Many people think it will be a poet.

Maybe.
__________________
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.
—Dante Gabriel Rossetti
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-07-2010, 09:20 AM   #6
Remec
Master Glomper
 
Remec's Avatar
 
Remec is offline
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Virginia Beach
Posts: 7,793
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzara View Post
And you said I could leave a poem, not to replace yours as inspiration, but to plunk down something else for people to look at, try this (I'm kind of digging Vincent right now):
Sonnet XLIII
Edna St. Vincent Millay

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.
Still mulling over the Ice Cream poem, but I read this and was inspired to slap this together:
Memories

The recording is strained and there are often more
pops, skips, and the white noise of bare tape
than there are words and music to help me escape
from the badgering inquiries the present makes. For
my mem'ry is not what is was, and my past
weaves in and out, a spectre that no one knows
not even myself, I sit upon its bank as it flows
whether it will, counting the splashes til at last
the waters quiet themselves and I move on again.
Picking myself up and brushing the nostalgia away
so that I can wander back into the modern day
holding some remnants against what remains--guilt and sin.
Knowing that I have such concrete reminders,
let's me see my way through, with no need for blinders.
__________________
My Stuff
AH Directory



"I have set my life upon a cast, and I shall stand the hazard of the die." -- Richard III

"Watch out for this guy! He's slick! And dark... and mysterious... and maybe even a bit evil! But in a totally sexy way!" -- BooMerengue
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-07-2010, 09:59 AM   #7
greenmountaineer
Literotica Guru
 
greenmountaineer is offline
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 941
Ogden's Like Everyone Else, But Richer.

Ogden, you have too much cash,
And that Cadillac looks like a bus;
But if you drove a ’55 Nash
You’d be like the rest of us,
Poor poet, that is, and long before
“Candy is dandy, but liquor quicker”
They paid you to write in Baltimore.

Quite the affluent city slicker,
Whose efforts some call effluent,
That’s what you are, Mr. Nash,
Feasting there on your pheasant
And Amaretto Hӓagen Dazs.

Last edited by greenmountaineer : 10-07-2010 at 10:38 PM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-07-2010, 11:03 AM   #8
corndog_
Really Really Experienced
 
corndog_'s Avatar
 
corndog_ is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 369
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzara View Post
....BTW, the winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature for 2010 is announced tomorrow. Many people think it will be a poet.

Maybe.
Mario Vargas Llosa. Oh well.

To be fair, I know nothing of his work. But the snubs of the Nobel Prize in Lit are at least as interesting as the awards.
__________________
As a matter of fact, I do have a stick up my butt.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-07-2010, 11:07 AM   #9
corndog_
Really Really Experienced
 
corndog_'s Avatar
 
corndog_ is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 369
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzara View Post
First off, nice selection, cb. I haven't read much by Ms. Rich, and I quite like the poem.

Not that that should or does matter to her or to you, but I did. Like it.

OK, now--my sucky response:
Madagascar

I'm so tired of the tin, pin-prick sound
of those electronic versions of The Sting
that float about the neighborhood
like an infestation of tuneless bees
that I sometimes forget about the cream
of her breasts, their conic sway
as she bends, topless in this heat
of Almost Autumn and I have to say
You wanna talk miracles? Why dontcha
think about vanilla and what a treat
it is to blossom-dive an orchid,
for that taut little pod.
Or so to speak.
...
Good humor, man. I'll raise a glass of bourbon to that.
__________________
As a matter of fact, I do have a stick up my butt.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-07-2010, 11:13 AM   #10
corndog_
Really Really Experienced
 
corndog_'s Avatar
 
corndog_ is offline
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 369
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenmountaineer View Post
Ogden, you have far too much cash.
That Cadillac looks like a bus;
But if you drove a ’55 Nash
You’d be like the rest of us,
Poor poet, that is, and long before
“Candy is dandy, but liquor quicker”
They paid you to write in Baltimore.

Quite the affluent city slicker,
Whose efforts some call effluent,
That’s what you are, Mr. Nash,
Feasting there on your pheasant
And Amaretto Hӓagen Dazs.
Maybe smarter, too, since he was one of the few to figure out how to turn a buck!

__________________
As a matter of fact, I do have a stick up my butt.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-07-2010, 11:42 AM   #11
butters
Harry's Girl
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 52,315
what interesting pieces you guys are responding with! such talents here i'm reading each and will comment within the next day or so, but right now my head's fried with a disasterous telesales screening (so NOT cut out for that) and all manner of other complexities on my doorstep. i need something stiff and wet, and preferably in a glass! keep on with your brilliant riffs, please
__________________
poetry submissions


What strange machinery lies between her ears
HarryHill


'tender hearted...

Last edited by chipbutty : 10-07-2010 at 12:38 PM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-07-2010, 12:36 PM   #12
nerk
Literotica Guru
 
nerk's Avatar
 
nerk is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: With my parents, obviously.
Posts: 632
Quote:
Originally Posted by corndog_ View Post
Mario Vargas Llosa. Oh well.

To be fair, I know nothing of his work. But the snubs of the Nobel Prize in Lit are at least as interesting as the awards.
He's actually pretty great. At least, the couple things (both from the 70s) of his that I read were very satisfying. I sort of gave up givings a rat's ass about who wins what awards in 1984, when Billie Jean stole the Best R&B Song Grammy from 2 other Michael Jackson songs. It was a travesty.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-07-2010, 12:40 PM   #13
nerk
Literotica Guru
 
nerk's Avatar
 
nerk is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: With my parents, obviously.
Posts: 632
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzara View Post
Madagascar

I'm so tired of the tin, pin-prick sound
of those electronic versions of The Sting
that float about the neighborhood
like an infestation of tuneless bees
that I sometimes forget about the cream
of her breasts, their conic sway
as she bends, topless in this heat
of Almost Autumn and I have to say
You wanna talk miracles? Why dontcha
think about vanilla and what a treat
it is to blossom-dive an orchid,
for that taut little pod.
Or so to speak.
"Oh my God! Look!!!"

puts this poem in my pocket when nobody's looking.

Which is to say you have some images here that I must steal.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-07-2010, 04:00 PM   #14
greenmountaineer
Literotica Guru
 
greenmountaineer is offline
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 941
Holy Smokes! There’s Ice Cream!

Wallace Stevens, the truth can be told:
You were the emperor of ice cream.
Not amazed with Grace in the coffin,
You dished out scoops to everyone who
Feigned their way in to be at the wake,
But really went there for free cigars
Or ridicule the needlepoint lace
Grace on the table once embroidered.

“So what’s the point?” you poetically asked,
Point taken because you’re atheist,
But if by chance there is a heaven
Towards which those with eyes on a prize dream,
I’ll bet your throat is parched about now,
Having traded your soul for ice cream.

Last edited by greenmountaineer : 10-07-2010 at 07:52 PM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-07-2010, 04:05 PM   #15
butters
Harry's Girl
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 52,315
i LOVE this thread. yes, yes i do. such a cluster of creativity stirs me to moist eyes. oh lord...

i love it
__________________
poetry submissions


What strange machinery lies between her ears
HarryHill


'tender hearted...
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-07-2010, 07:39 PM   #16
Tzara
Dandy
 
Tzara's Avatar
 
Tzara is offline
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 6,056
Quote:
Originally Posted by chipbutty View Post
i need something stiff and wet
Uh (*gasp*), OK. I mean, I can... I mean I'm like all...
Quote:
Originally Posted by chipbutty View Post
...and preferably in a glass!
Oh.



Damn.

Well. Is scotch and soda OK?
__________________
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.
—Dante Gabriel Rossetti
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-07-2010, 07:53 PM   #17
Tzara
Dandy
 
Tzara's Avatar
 
Tzara is offline
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 6,056
Quote:
Originally Posted by nerk View Post
"Oh my God! Look!!!"

puts this poem in my pocket when nobody's looking.

Which is to say you have some images here that I must steal.
Hey! What happened to my poem?!
Madagascar

I'm so tired of the ***, ***-***** sound
of those ********** ******** of The *****
that ***** about the neighborhood
like an *********** ** ******** ****
that I sometimes forget about *** *****
of her *******, their ***** ****
as she *****, ******* in this ****
of ****** ****** and I have to say
You wanna talk ********? Why *******
***** about ******* and what * *****
it is to *******-**** an ******,
for that **** little ***.
Or ** to speak.
I suspect Nerk has been rifling my brilliance!




Um, because he said he was. Going to.

Left the poor thing looking like a redacted CIA transcript, actually. Probably an improvement.
__________________
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.
—Dante Gabriel Rossetti
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-07-2010, 08:00 PM   #18
Tzara
Dandy
 
Tzara's Avatar
 
Tzara is offline
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 6,056
Quote:
Originally Posted by greenmountaineer View Post
Wallace Stevens...
Now, gm, you know, that being brilliant twice in a single thread is showing off, don't you?

To channel Ogden Nash, can you be
Smart once, smart twice,
Seal the deal with smartness thrice?


Well, yes, of course you can, dammit.

I'm gonna go off and sulk, I think. Maybe. Probably.

Rats.
__________________
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.
—Dante Gabriel Rossetti
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-08-2010, 12:55 AM   #19
BooMerengue
Literotica Guru
 
BooMerengue's Avatar
 
BooMerengue is offline
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: laughing and laughing and laughing...
Posts: 5,473
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzara View Post
w):
Sonnet XLIII
Edna St. Vincent Millay

What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why,
I have forgotten, and what arms have lain
Under my head till morning; but the rain
Is full of ghosts tonight, that tap and sigh
Upon the glass and listen for reply,
And in my heart there stirs a quiet pain
For unremembered lads that not again
Will turn to me at midnight with a cry.
Thus in winter stands the lonely tree,
Nor knows what birds have vanished one by one,
Yet knows its boughs more silent than before:
I cannot say what loves have come and gone,
I only know that summer sang in me
A little while, that in me sings no more.

The rain is full of ghosts tonight
I see them still yet feel so sad
their faces in the firelight
reminding me of nights so glad

at fireworks and carnivals
on old dirt roads and new backseats
we cried our love like animals
or whispered silly little sweets

and then we went our merry way
with school or work or goofing off
whatever got us through the day
(oh, please! excuse my awful cough)

I wonder if the boys see me
as beautifully as I see them
In winter stands the lonely tree
as pass me by; the Ghosts Of Then.


Tzara. Of all the poems in the world why did you pick this, the One most dearest to my heart?
__________________

Act the way you'd like to be and soon you'll be the way you act.
Leonard Cohen
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-08-2010, 02:06 AM   #20
nerk
Literotica Guru
 
nerk's Avatar
 
nerk is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: With my parents, obviously.
Posts: 632
This is much more in the minimal-huh? style than I really like to write in.

But I found it in my pocket. If Tzara ... er ... anyone says he lost some words from his poem, I've never seen this before in my life.


tin, pin-prick
electronic versions Sting
float
infestation of tuneless bees
the cream
breasts conic sway
bends topless heat
Almost Autumn
miracles? dontcha
think vanilla a treat
blossom-dive orchid
taut pod. so


but really ... interesting. I always like to end on a conjunction, but
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-08-2010, 02:17 AM   #21
nerk
Literotica Guru
 
nerk's Avatar
 
nerk is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: With my parents, obviously.
Posts: 632
Quote:
Originally Posted by BooMerengue View Post
The rain is full of ghosts tonight
I see them still yet feel so sad
their faces in the firelight
reminding me of nights so glad

at fireworks and carnivals
on old dirt roads and new backseats
we cried our love like animals
or whispered silly little sweets

and then we went our merry way
with school or work or goofing off
whatever got us through the day
(oh, please! excuse my awful cough)

I wonder if the boys see me
as beautifully as I see them
In winter stands the lonely tree
as pass me by; the Ghosts Of Then.


Tzara. Of all the poems in the world why did you pick this, the One most dearest to my heart?
I love the Emily Dickenson meter. That has a much smarter sounding name that I remember not knowing on some standardized test. I can't do rhyme and meter to save my life, so I always admire it when I see it done well.

The first and second stanzas also really stand out for imagery to me.

The rain is full of ghosts tonight
we cried our love like animals

I'm stealing those lines too. I'm going to mix them with the stuff I stole from Tzara.
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-08-2010, 04:39 AM   #22
butters
Harry's Girl
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 52,315
first thread of the morning with my first coffee of the day

who could ask for a better start? not i
__________________
poetry submissions


What strange machinery lies between her ears
HarryHill


'tender hearted...
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-08-2010, 03:06 PM   #23
BooMerengue
Literotica Guru
 
BooMerengue's Avatar
 
BooMerengue is offline
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: laughing and laughing and laughing...
Posts: 5,473
Quote:
Originally Posted by BooMerengue View Post
The rain is full of ghosts tonight
I see them still yet feel so sad
their faces in the firelight
reminding me of nights so glad

at fireworks and carnivals
on old dirt roads and new backseats
we cried our love like animals
or whispered silly little sweets

and then we went our merry way
with school or work or goofing off
whatever got us through the day
(oh, please! excuse my awful cough)

I wonder if the boys see me
as beautifully as I see them
In winter stands the lonely tree
as pass me by; the Ghosts Of Then.


Tzara. Of all the poems in the world why did you pick this, the One most dearest to my heart?
I forgot to leave one; I'm sorry. This cold/allergy/Bubonic Plague thing I've got has made me loony. Here- taste some Faulkner...


If there be grief, then let it be but rain,
And this but silver grief for grieving's sake,
If these green woods be dreaming here to wake
Within my heart, if I should rouse again.


But I shall sleep, for where is any death
While in these blue hills slumbrous overhead
I'm rooted like a tree? Though I be dead,
This earth that holds me fast will find me breath.
__________________

Act the way you'd like to be and soon you'll be the way you act.
Leonard Cohen
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-08-2010, 04:25 PM   #24
butters
Harry's Girl
 
butters's Avatar
 
butters is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London UK
Posts: 52,315
Quote:
Originally Posted by BooMerengue View Post
I forgot to leave one; I'm sorry. This cold/allergy/Bubonic Plague thing I've got has made me loony. Here- taste some Faulkner...


If there be grief, then let it be but rain,
And this but silver grief for grieving's sake,
If these green woods be dreaming here to wake
Within my heart, if I should rouse again.


But I shall sleep, for where is any death
While in these blue hills slumbrous overhead
I'm rooted like a tree? Though I be dead,
This earth that holds me fast will find me breath.
aiyaiyaiy... never read this before. it's ... oooohhh ... the sounds, imagery, meter. sigh

thanks for posting this, Boo
__________________
poetry submissions


What strange machinery lies between her ears
HarryHill


'tender hearted...
  Reply With Quote

Old 10-08-2010, 10:31 PM   #25
Tzara
Dandy
 
Tzara's Avatar
 
Tzara is offline
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Left Coast
Posts: 6,056
Quote:
Originally Posted by BooMerengue View Post
Tzara. Of all the poems in the world why did you pick this, the One most dearest to my heart?
Well, that's some kind of mystery, ain't it, m'dear?

Let's ask people, 'k?

Question, y'all (multiple choice, pick one): Why did Tzara pick Ms. St. Millay's sonnet as (pick the poem out yer ownselfs from me own original post, folks) a clone-yerself poem?
  1. Tzara knows women's hearts; he has an almost wondrous ability to relate to women, to their innermost desires, their hopes, their dreams.
  2. Tzara is cynical bastard who is very skilled at manipulating women to satisfy his own, quite thoroughly disgusting, means.
  3. If you throw a basketball at the hoop often enough, eventually it will go in.
  4. Tzara thinks like a girl.
No, I am not (yet) plunking down another poem, since that was not. Poem. Much.

Hey! There's a whole bunch o' you who haven't yet poemed.ed. Get yer act together, people. Like, now.
__________________
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank.
—Dante Gabriel Rossetti
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:31 PM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.