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Old 09-04-2016, 01:40 AM   #1
Lyricalli
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Double Blind 4 - Poems and Critiques Only

Welcome to the third installment of the Double Blind challenge. This thread is for the poems and critiques; general chatter is welcome in the announcement/update thread.

You do not have to submit a poem to make critiques or comments on the poems that will be posted here.

I will try to post new poems about 48 hours apart. I have received a full roster of seven poems. The last poem will be posted on September 16th, and the revised editions will hopefully be posted on September 18th. If that goes according to plan, I will reveal the authors' names on September 20th.


Authors: if there is something specific you would like feedback on, let me know at any point before or during the comment period on your poem, and I will mention that in the thread for you.
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Old 09-04-2016, 01:43 AM   #2
Lyricalli
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DB4-1: The Whiskey Effect - Trixareforkids

The Whiskey Effect

I'm outta smokes
and tired
as tropes
about love
going nowhere
but wrong
so let's play this straight
say what it is
and what it ain't
without commercials
or their fucking catchy songs

What you see
is what I got
and all I want
is company
for the night
or the week
or the month

If you're looking for more
well honey
there's the door
I'm doing just fine
with my friends
quiet ol' boys
that go down
without fuss
keeping me mellow
and making me cuss
here on this stool
as I scare off fools
trying to buy me drinks
with umbrellas

But it's raining men
and I'm drinking 'em in
no matter the name on the label
so if you still want to sit
with me at this table
buy the next round
then sit your ass down
and tell me your name
while you're able

Last edited by Lyricalli : 09-10-2016 at 12:41 PM. Reason: Author added
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Old 09-04-2016, 02:12 AM   #3
AlwaysHungry
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I like the intermittent rhyme scheme. It works with the topic.
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Old 09-04-2016, 07:20 AM   #4
greenmountaineer
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"trying to buy me drinks
with umbrellas

But it's raining men
and I'm drinking 'em in"

gotta be the lines of the week.

Strong portrait of a good time girl who's seen her share of life's ups and downs. The language is crisp. The short lines add to the crisp affect of the words.

The poem is great as is. So this is more for provoking thought:

I'm outta smokes
and tired
as poems
about love
going nowhere
so let's get this straight
say what it is
and what it ain't

Is anything lost without the last 2 lines? Maybe so. As I said, the poem worked for me as written. I would consider, however, replacing "trope" because I don't think most barflies would use the word.
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Old 09-04-2016, 08:05 AM   #5
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I mostly agree with big G-em. It works as is. I tend to read it as a hybrid though. The start reads like a conventional radio song ( stanza stanza chorus stanza stanza chorus solo chorus ) and then I get tripped up a little when it breaks tradtion.

I'm a sucker for rhymers.

Consider leading off Stanza 4 with raining fellas to rhyme with umbrellas.

Stanza 1 - i think you could work in GM's suggestion of poem and still retain tropes, though I would whittle it down to "a trope" and further expand upon what you have with something like "give me the straight dope" a few lines later.
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Old 09-04-2016, 10:17 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by greenmountaineer View Post
"trying to buy me drinks
with umbrellas

But it's raining men
and I'm drinking 'em in"

gotta be the lines of the week.

Strong portrait of a good time girl who's seen her share of life's ups and downs. The language is crisp. The short lines add to the crisp affect of the words.

The poem is great as is. So this is more for provoking thought:

I'm outta smokes
and tired
as poems
about love


Is anything lost without the last 2 lines? Maybe so. As I said, the poem worked for me as written. I would consider, however, replacing "trope" because I don't think most barflies would use the word.

Except the big B?

I actually like 'tropes' here: yes, because it rhymes, but more importantly because the poem is written from the POV of someone who doesn't care what others think about her or whether they understand her. The word fits more than one need.

I like the poem as it stands - my futzing with it would be simply 'how I would do it' vs. the poet, and I don't think that's what's needed. The lines are crisp, some are even slaps!

I agree with Mags that it does have a bar song quality about it, and anything that would make it more so might make it more fun to read, but I'd love to listen to it eventually, esp. in a Southern drawl sported by the returning Trix - for several reasons.
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Old 09-04-2016, 10:32 AM   #7
AlwaysHungry
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magnetron View Post
I'm a sucker for rhymers.

Consider leading off Stanza 4 with raining fellas to rhyme with umbrellas.
Nah. It already has a very close half-rhyme with "men" and "in", plus the "raining men" is a pop song reference which in this case doesn't grate on me as they sometimes do -- it's an effective, ironic use of the song.
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Old 09-04-2016, 09:08 PM   #8
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To me this has a hip-hop, jokey feel.......a "take-it-or-leave-it" tone and I like it. I too, enjoy the part-rhyming and would keep "tropes". "fucking" kind of breaks the rhythm of the first verse, it's smoother with just "catchy". All in all, it's a keeper. [I'd add more but time's run out]
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Old 09-04-2016, 09:11 PM   #9
AlwaysHungry
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Originally Posted by legerdemer View Post
Except the big B?
The big B?
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Old 09-05-2016, 10:45 AM   #10
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B = Bukowski - not only was he a known barfly, he wrote the script of a semi-autobiographical movie named Barfly.

I was playing a bit with gm's assertion about how poetic, or not, barflies generally are.
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Old 09-06-2016, 01:09 PM   #11
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DB4-2: A Tale of Little Tall Untold - Magnetron

A Tale of Little Tall Untold

Snow falling

falling still

with quiet unease

begins to fill in our globe

and accumulate

blanketing the fisheries
soaked in sun bleach

the rocking boats deftly tethered to
lobster pot and crate strewn docking

the beach bereft of tourists

the busy grocery market

the not so busy jail with it's lone occupant
a drifter with nothing in his pockets
who beat old Martha to death so hard
knocking her eyes right out of their sockets

and the mail routes converging on
the Town Hall

winds increasing in fury
as if the Powers That Be
can no longer wait
to bury the Island of Little Tall
beneath a white linen shroud

and forget it ever
existed

A fate kinder
I suppose
than the other outcome

us townsfolk large and small
are bizarrely sharing as if it was
a mass subscribed to dream
in which the island's entire population
is marched two by two into the ocean
without protest

not even a single scream

Not that such would even be heard
anyhow over the blizzard's howl
by Mainlanders across the reach

Our drowned bodies never recovered
by the State Police or Coast Guard

Gone

Could this really be what befell
those unfortunate settlers of Roanoke Island
who simply vanished without a trace?

Nightmare not fading nearly fast enough
in the eye of the storm
there is no calm

for this wandering stranger having
bludgeoned his way into the community
wielding power to bespell the weak minded
into murdering others ... or themselves ...
is intent upon leaving with a child
one of our youngest numbering eight

Standing before us now as a wizard ancient
fully aware of our every sin

how we excel at keeping these hidden

without insistence we must reform
passing up on judgment
knowing we will never tell any authorities
what is about to happen next

Standing before us now
a greater devil with lesser devil offerings
for sale in each hexed palm

In his left hand
a familiar cane
its silver wolf's head bloodied
snarled with intention to bite

a bag of weirding stones in the right
numbering one black to seven white

This is the game the parents shall play
the proposition and furthermore
Give me what I want
and I'll go away


Or?

If we don't?
tear a child away from its mothers and fathers??
give the babe to this monster???

Though insistent he is incapable of taking
he assures that he can punish
Oh, yes
in the fate we dreamt
similar to that of those Colonists four hundred years ago
Every man, woman and child
No one is exempt
We can certainly be punished alright

Perhaps it is better to lose just one now
than to lose all on Little Tall tonight?

In darkness of cold candlelight
as the storm of the century subsides
snow eases and ceases in it's fall
we do not know any better

In darkness of cold candlelight
before the breaking of dawn
it is discovered too late

when faced with hard decision making
we are likewise capable sorcerers
adept at pulling the wool over
our own eyes
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Old 09-06-2016, 04:17 PM   #12
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Am I in the PF&D or did I stumble into the Story Forum?
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Old 09-06-2016, 04:35 PM   #13
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Sorry, I'm still on the first poem, which I think is excellent and suitable for publication far beyond this dusty digital corner, but I'd I'd change 'ol and 'em to old and them. That's all I got.
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Old 09-06-2016, 04:35 PM   #14
AlwaysHungry
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magnetron View Post
Am I in the PF&D or did I stumble into the Story Forum?
I had more or less the same reaction, although we should bear in mind that there is such a thing as an epic poem. Think "Beowulf." I had to google "Little Tall" and I discovered that there is such a place, located off the coast of Maine, and a spooky story associated with it.
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Old 09-06-2016, 04:35 PM   #15
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Right off the bat, I see "mothers and fathers" should be "mother and father".

Line 14 ends wonky as if Line 15 originally began with "he knocked" and was later changed to "knocking" to captilize on rhyming with docking and rocking.

This sounds like it could be based on a book or movie.

And I thought I was the only one 'round here who wrote long poems. Katie Jones perhaps?
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Old 09-06-2016, 05:03 PM   #16
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The read is interesting enough to hold my attention the story telling aspect is interesting, theres a heap of small clips and trims I could suggest to pare it back a bit, no time to go into it now but will try a bit later today.
________________________________________

As to the first poem, aint a hell of a lot to be done with it, it's nipples have been tweaked, its ass smacked and its ready to roll

I see what Angeline is saying about changing the language on ol' and em', but I think read out loud those inflections would add to the character of the narrator and sets the dialect for the read,

But is it neccessary?
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Old 09-06-2016, 07:25 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by todski28 View Post
The read is interesting enough to hold my attention the story telling aspect is interesting, theres a heap of small clips and trims I could suggest to pare it back a bit, no time to go into it now but will try a bit later today.
________________________________________

As to the first poem, aint a hell of a lot to be done with it, it's nipples have been tweaked, its ass smacked and its ready to roll

I see what Angeline is saying about changing the language on ol' and em', but I think read out loud those inflections would add to the character of the narrator and sets the dialect for the read,

But is it neccessary?
Hi Tods.

I think that if one is trying to publish one should be very careful with dialect. And it's not essential to the poem. Just my opinion.
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Old 09-06-2016, 08:07 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Angeline View Post
Hi Tods.

I think that if one is trying to publish one should be very careful with dialect. And it's not essential to the poem. Just my opinion.

A very valid opinion at that

You say just, but well it's more than that

Just so you know

Thanks for the thoughts, and after having weighed them up for at least 16 seconds (because I'm not impulsive)

I agree with you that changing it will give a reader a greater sense of connecting to the write with their own take as opposed to being forced to read it in a dialect.
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Old 09-07-2016, 07:55 AM   #19
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The second poem quite honestly confused me. At first I thought it was a commentary about how we live our lives like lemmings, but then the narrative went south to Roanoke, and I got lost.
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Old 09-07-2016, 09:59 AM   #20
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Quote:
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The second poem quite honestly confused me. At first I thought it was a commentary about how we live our lives like lemmings, but then the narrative went south to Roanoke, and I got lost.
More googling led me to discover that there was another, similar spooky story associated with the Roanoke Island Colony. I think that the moral of the story is to avoid settling on islands?
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Old 09-07-2016, 10:35 AM   #21
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Quote:
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More googling led me to discover that there was another, similar spooky story associated with the Roanoke Island Colony. I think that the moral of the story is to avoid settling on islands?
Assuming to be true, good catch. I'm a believer that Google is your friend and have no trouble with one or two searches, particularly if the narrative holds my interest. This did initially.

I need to follow my own advice and do a little more research. I'll also read it again and may have more to say about the poem in light of your comment, AH.
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Old 09-07-2016, 01:46 PM   #22
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It's definitely enormous with alot of Easter Island Eggs.



Another island to Goggle at your liesure.
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Old 09-07-2016, 03:51 PM   #23
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OK, now things are starting to come together:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Storm_of_the_Century

Stephen King is on my to do reading liist, but somehow I never get to it.

I've should have known better, what with Maine, the macabre, and a Nor'easter.

Although not very popular today, the ballad form came to mind. I think that would have worked better than free verse, and the simple rhyme scheme in a ballad would have been relativel easy. Maybe not.
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Old 09-07-2016, 04:05 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by greenmountaineer View Post
OK, now things are starting to come together:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Storm_of_the_Century

Stephen King is on my to do reading liist, but somehow I never get to it.

I've should have known better, what with Maine, the macabre, and a Nor'easter.

Although not very popular today, the ballad form came to mind. I think that would have worked better than free verse, and the simple rhyme scheme in a ballad would have been relativel easy. Maybe not.
You might want to watch the movie instead; the book is already in screenplay format.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wikipedia
Storm of the Century, alternatively known as Stephen King's Storm of the Century, is a 1999 horror TV miniseries written by Stephen King and directed by Craig R. Baxley. Unlike many other King mini-series, Storm of the Century was not based upon a Stephen King novel—King wrote it as a screenplay from the beginning. The screenplay was published in February 1999.
p.s. I found a typo : "it's" should be "its" in Line .... ummm .... in the third to the last stanza.
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Old 09-07-2016, 04:19 PM   #25
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Quote:
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You might want to watch the movie instead; the book is already in screenplay format.

p.s. I found a typo : "it's" should be "its" in Line .... ummm .... in the third to the last stanza.

I believe that's line....

Elventy-three.....
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