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Old 03-11-2013, 08:30 PM   #1
princeofhands
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Newcomer with new poem, feedback and hellos welcome

A Flavour For Living

You are to me like the air that follows summer rain
washing away the sticky heat of my life to date
blowing cold freshness and zest through my skin
pinching up goose bumps when your breath gets too near

You are to me like the salt that falls from the waves
as your tide crashes onto my bare shore
flooding my mouth with a flavour for living
and throwing my soul pebbles to new sands afar

You are to me like the dusk of a cold night
lighting up my mind with moons and stars and shivers
quickly dimming the light on who I used to be for good
as you march me through the night to a new dawn, with you, beyond
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Old 03-11-2013, 08:35 PM   #2
Angeline
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Welcome and enjoy the forum. There's lots of opportunity here to learn and improve as a poet.

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Old 03-11-2013, 09:16 PM   #3
twelveoone
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Quote:
Originally Posted by princeofhands View Post
A Flavour For Living

You are to me like the air that follows summer rain
washing away the sticky heat of my life to date
blowing cold freshness and zest through my skin
pinching up goose bumps when your breath gets too near

You are to me like the salt that falls from the waves
as your tide crashes onto my bare shore
flooding my mouth with a flavour for living
and throwing my soul pebbles to new sands afar

You are to me like the dusk of a cold night
lighting up my mind with moons and stars and shivers
quickly dimming the light on who I used to be for good
as you march me through the night to a new dawn, with you, beyond
what you are doing here should be poetry 101, anytime you have something resembling a cliche, subvert it.

You are to me like the air that follows summer rain
where is this going?
washing away the sticky heat of my life to date
huh, not quite what I expected

you do this numerous times, skirting the cliche, all in all a very good start, damn, I would kill to see more of this in new poems

this you might want to clean up

quickly dimming the light on who I used to be for good
as you march me through the night to a new dawn, with you, beyond

next step pulling further away from the cliche
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Old 03-12-2013, 05:52 AM   #4
princeofhands
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Thankyou Angeline for the hello

Thankyou Twelveone for those tips! Very much appreciated

P
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Old 03-12-2013, 04:21 PM   #5
letterman999
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Anaphora is more appropriate to oratory than to poetry.
(see Aristotle's figures of pathos).

If a phrase comes too quickly to your pen, ignore it.

I am always empathic to anyone who writes poetry.
Just writing it, of measured qualities, enobles.

My romantic view ...

letterman999
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Old 03-14-2013, 11:21 AM   #6
twelveoone
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Quote:
Originally Posted by letterman999 View Post
Anaphora is more appropriate to oratory than to poetry.
(see Aristotle's figures of pathos).

If a phrase comes too quickly to your pen, ignore it.

I am always empathic to anyone who writes poetry.
Just writing it, of measured qualities, enobles.

My romantic view ...

letterman999
but then you have to define anaphora, oratory, and most important poetry, and the difference between oratory and poetry, explore that in detail.
throwing out some dead greek's name just don't cut it with me

If a phrase comes too quickly to your pen, abuse it. Where did this phrase come from? What put it there? Think about it.

measured qualities? define
ennobles? define

this looks like poetic propaganda to me, which makes me think of the Song of Roland which was nothing but poetic propaganda

just my cynical ( and probably more accurate) view

Anaphora is an important concept for different reasons and on different levels. First, anaphora indicates "how discourse is constructed and maintained". Second, on the level of the sentence, anaphora binds different syntactical elements together. Third, in computational linguistics anaphora presents a challenge to natural language processing, since the identification of the reference can be challenging. Fourth, anaphora "tells us some things about how language is understood and processed", which is relevant to fields of linguistics interested in cognitive psychology.[2]

wow, that looks like a fun place to me

but more important princeofhands was probably looking for something a little more specific

it can't hurt to go read Aristotle, as long as he balances it with a contrarian view
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