What do I look for in a dom?

[subintraining28]

I am brand new to this site and the BDSM lifestyle. I am insearch of a dom to help train me and teach me how to be a good sub. Any advice on what to look for or important questions I should ask? Any tips are more then welcome!

[CutieMouse]

1) What sort of "training" do you feel you need?
2) How do *you* define "a good sub"?
3) Are you looking for a sexual submission style relationship, or something that moves beyond the bedroom?
4) Have you considered the possibility of "bottoming" (temporarily giving up control, for lack of a better term), instead of rushing head-on into SUBMISSION?
5) What qualities do you look for in a partner, outside of BDSM? (hint - they're probably the same sorts of things you need to look for in a D/s partnership)
6) What does *your* idea of submission look like?

[subintraining28]

1.) From my research it seems like there are lots of rules that need to be followed and techniques that I have never experienced. Plus it will take some work to build up my tollerance for many of the sexual acts that I have come across in my research.


2.) I would say that a good sub would be available to their dom and be there to please him. I think that they would be submissive and obedient and do things without asking or talking back.

3.) I am looking for sexual submission but also past that to other aspects of our life.

4.) I was not really aware of the difference between the two.

5.) The main things that I look for in a partner are trust, honesty and loyalty most of all. There are other things like attractiveness and I like to laugh. Similiar interests etc. but trust honesty and loyalty are most important.

6.) My idea of submission would be total committment to the pleasure and happiness of my dom. I want to be dedicated to them and make myself available to them at all times. Mostly I am looking for that total control of my life.

I hope that this answers your questions.

[the captians wench]

I think CM was asking those questions to get you to look more inward than to necessarily answer them for her.

For difference in terms, Stella is your BDSM label maker, but to expand a bit on what CM said, "bottoming" is short term submission, could be just for one experience, or one day, or one hour, or every time you play but not outside of play.

There are all kinds of submission (which was what CM was nudging at) and all kinds of domly types. There are some who follow strict codes and have rituals for everything, and some are laid back. Some are sadists, and some are service tops.

Your first start should be looking for some one the same way you would in the vanilla world, I think. Unless you just want some one to play with, then it doesn't matter as much if you can hold a conversation after dinner.

My question would be, what kind of research are you doing? Are you reading erotica, or are you reading instructional books? That will alter your results dramatically.

[JamieJ424]

This is a little like asking "How do I dance?" It's a very personal journey, and everyone's is different. There aren't any rules per se, and no one is going to take away your mebership card and BDSM decoder ring if you don't do certain things. Whatever rules there may be are ones you and your dominant will work out between the two of you.

You have a pretty good idea, it seems, of what you want out of the relationship. Now it's just a matter of finding someone you can care about and trust who has ideas that line up with more or less with yours.

J

[wantonmama]

I like the dance analogy...

I've got some blogs I follow on tumblr that are very beautiful as well as helpful to explain what D/s relationships & power exchanges are all about. Rolledtrousers, quantumsatis, fortheloveofasub are a few I recommend. I learn visually as well as through prose so it's a good match for me.

To me, I could be wrong - I am NO expert - it all boils down to trust, respect and attraction. But for someone who has sub tendencies I hope they have already been taught that it is all mutual! If the person who you are playing with - for whatever the reason- doesn't make you feel good - just remember there are plenty of Doms out there who will.

[Stella_Omega]

Please understand that a hell of a lot of Doms do not think of Dom in the terms you think of Dom. For many people, it's a way to get laid-- a form of sex life-- and not a relationship. And yes, they want your power. And no, they do not have your best interests on the top of their list.

What you are asking, in many ways, is equivalent to; "How can I tell which man will make a perfect husband for me?"

[TheLM]

Originally Posted by Stella_Omega

Please understand that a hell of a lot of Doms do not think of Dom in the terms you think of Dom. For many people, it's a way to get laid-- a form of sex life-- and not a relationship. And yes, they want your power. And no, they do not have your best interests on the top of their list.

What you are asking, in many ways, is equivalent to; "How can I tell which man will make a perfect husband for me?"

This is so true.

For many it is about manipulation and and getting easier sex, not establishing a loving relationship.

[Stella_Omega]

Originally Posted by TheLM

This is so true.

For many it is about manipulation and and getting easier sex, not establishing a loving relationship.

Many women seem to come into this with the expectation that here they will find the Prince Charming that the Romance novel versions of BDSM promise.

Many men seem to come in expecting to find lots of willing sluts-- which is what their favorite reading gives them.

Bit of a disconnect there.

[horny fireman]

Originally Posted by wantonmama

I like the dance analogy...

I've got some blogs I follow on tumblr that are very beautiful as well as helpful to explain what D/s relationships & power exchanges are all about. Rolledtrousers, quantumsatis, fortheloveofasub are a few I recommend. I learn visually as well as through prose so it's a good match for me.

To me, I could be wrong - I am NO expert - it all boils down to trust, respect and attraction. But for someone who has sub tendencies I hope they have already been taught that it is all mutual! If the person who you are playing with - for whatever the reason- doesn't make you feel good - just remember there are plenty of Doms out there who will.

Spoken with knowledge and experience.

[Stella_Omega]

Originally Posted by horny fireman

Spoken with knowledge and experience.

Of what?

[MissMaidenMinx]

I'm personally on the same journey but maybe a little further a long. Finding out that a friend of mine is quite into the lifestyle helped a lot. Over the years we have played online and on the phone, with full intentions of making it physical, and this has helped me define what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do eg. I am quite the masochist and have very few limits on pain, but the idea of being punched does nothing for me. What I am also slowly learning is that there are things I never thought I would enjoy, but I do from a sub position. I'm very lucky though as my hubby is as happy to learn to dominate as I am willing to learn to let go.

Make friends with people. Make sure you share interests other than sex. Be very careful. If something feels even slightly off, run!

[CutieMouse]

Originally Posted by MissMaidenMinx

I'm personally on the same journey but maybe a little further a long. Finding out that a friend of mine is quite into the lifestyle helped a lot. Over the years we have played online and on the phone, with full intentions of making it physical, and this has helped me define what I am willing to do and what I am not willing to do eg. I am quite the masochist and have very few limits on pain, but the idea of being punched does nothing for me. What I am also slowly learning is that there are things I never thought I would enjoy, but I do from a sub position. I'm very lucky though as my hubby is as happy to learn to dominate as I am willing to learn to let go.

Make friends with people. Make sure you share interests other than sex. Be very careful. If something feels even slightly off, run!

Not to pick on you, but "I am quite the masochist" does not compute with the phrase " we have played online and on the phone".

To the OP -

All the research in the world won't necessarily apply to an actual situation/relationship. I am a research junkie; if there's a [non-erotica] book about BDSM, S/M, D/s, I've probably read it. I'm the kind of woman who hands lovers a copy of Anal Pleasure and Health early in the relationship.

But ya know what? 10 years down the road, most of that stuff is theory. My relationships don't involve titles, training, punishments, etc. Men [Dominants] who expect such things don't last long [around me]. It's just not my style.

Dating is dating; relationships are relationships. Even if they're kinky.

[subintraining28]

Thank you all for your insights I truly appriciate all of the information. I will continue to follow and keep learning.

[eastern sun]

Originally Posted by subintraining28

1.) From my research it seems like there are lots of rules that need to be followed and techniques that I have never experienced. Plus it will take some work to build up my tollerance for many of the sexual acts that I have come across in my research.


2.) I would say that a good sub would be available to their dom and be there to please him. I think that they would be submissive and obedient and do things without asking or talking back.

3.) I am looking for sexual submission but also past that to other aspects of our life.

4.) I was not really aware of the difference between the two.

5.) The main things that I look for in a partner are trust, honesty and loyalty most of all. There are other things like attractiveness and I like to laugh. Similiar interests etc. but trust honesty and loyalty are most important.

6.) My idea of submission would be total committment to the pleasure and happiness of my dom. I want to be dedicated to them and make myself available to them at all times. Mostly I am looking for that total control of my life.

I hope that this answers your questions.

If your interest in submission is "total commitment to the pleasure and happiness of your dom," then make sure that what he wants sexually and emotionally reflects what you want sexually and emotionally.

One mistake that many people make is that they believe they want to submit to another person's will, but in fact what they want is to submit to their own fantasies of submission. (If that makes sense. . .)

That's ok. But it means that when you're looking for a dominant partner, you want to visualize ahead of time - as clearly as you can - what you want to happen in this relationship. And you need to be able to communicate your vision - as clearly as you can - to any potential partner in order to find the right match.

Then, you need to use all the people skills you have to determine whether or not this person - who seems to be able to satisfy your sexual desires - is trustworthy and reliable. If you have a good history of choosing sexual partners, then use the same criteria you have always used.

If you do not have a good history of choosing trustworthy sexual partners, then I would sincerely recommend that you learn how to do that before you seek a dom. You're going to need every ounce of reason, common sense and self-knowledge to successfully negotiate this relationship.

[MissMaidenMinx]

Originally Posted by CutieMouse

Not to pick on you, but "I am quite the masochist" does not compute with the phrase " we have played online and on the phone".

Maybe I should have also clarified that auto-masochism has been a part of my life for quite some time. I'm guided by said friend on how he would like to see me hurt myself. I'm sure I still sound horribly naive though.

[Red Sonja]

Originally Posted by eastern sun

One mistake that many people make is that they believe they want to submit to another person's will, but in fact what they want is to submit to their own fantasies of submission. (If that makes sense. . .)

That's ok. But it means that when you're looking for a dominant partner, you want to visualize ahead of time - as clearly as you can - what you want to happen in this relationship. And you need to be able to communicate your vision - as clearly as you can - to any potential partner in order to find the right match.

Oh what wisdom is in the above. Dominate me the way I want to be dominated, dammit!! *ahem* Just got a little carried away there...

[the captians wench]

Originally Posted by MissMaidenMinx

Maybe I should have also clarified that auto-masochism has been a part of my life for quite some time. I'm guided by said friend on how he would like to see me hurt myself. I'm sure I still sound horribly naive though.

As some one who has personally left darker, deeper, larger bruses by spanking herself than anyone else has yet to provide, let me tell you, there is a huge difference in doing it yourself (with direction) and having some one do it to you.

One of those huge differences is the surprise factor. You just can't duplicate that with self masochism.

[Bellatrixie]

Originally Posted by Red Sonja

Oh what wisdom is in the above. Dominate me the way I want to be dominated, dammit!! *ahem* Just got a little carried away there...

Hehehe....yes there is. And when you are enough of a control freak about that it turns out you aren't a sub at all....but I still enjoy being pushed down and overpowered...as long as we all know I am really the one calling the shots

[Stella_Omega]

Originally Posted by Bellatrixie

Hehehe....yes there is. And when you are enough of a control freak about that it turns out you aren't a sub at all....but I still enjoy being pushed down and overpowered...as long as we all know I am really the one calling the shots

She gets it!

[scarlettmoon]

I love all of the comments everyone has put on here!
But I think the bottom line is (no pun intended) you need to have someone you can trust.
If you're completely new to this then you will soon learn what you like and don't like.
Saying that, a true submissive always says yes!

You don't sound as inexperienced as you think you do x

[Red Sonja]

Originally Posted by scarlettmoon

I love all of the comments everyone has put on here!
But I think the bottom line is (no pun intended) you need to have someone you can trust.
If you're completely new to this then you will soon learn what you like and don't like.
Saying that, a true submissive always says yes!

You don't sound as inexperienced as you think you do x

I agree with almost everything, but... the saying that a true submissive always says yes. No, she or he does not always say yes. It's an unsafe thing to do and suggest when the trust has not yet been established in the relationship.

Until the relationship has time to develop that trust, a true submissive should watch out for predatory doms, and other bad actors and carefully consider what he/she is saying yes to at any given point in time. The virtual world allows a tremendous amount of lee-way in saying yes without risk. The real world does not.

Once that level of trust is there, in a real world relationship; it becomes safe to say yes to everything and anything, but not until then. And at that point, I agree with you... true 24/7 submissives do say yes. It's also okay to not be a 24/7 submissive and to just enjoy the kinky sex.

The kinky sex is always more fun than submitting and giving up a perfectly good Saturday to go to the gun show. (Wait, did I type that out loud!) Ah well...

[MissMaidenMinx]

Originally Posted by the captians wench

As some one who has personally left darker, deeper, larger bruses by spanking herself than anyone else has yet to provide, let me tell you, there is a huge difference in doing it yourself (with direction) and having some one do it to you.

One of those huge differences is the surprise factor. You just can't duplicate that with self masochism.

That is something I am learning. It would be so nice if you could turn off part of your brain so you don't know it's coming, it would make life so much easier.

Thank you though. I'm not exactly sure what for, but your message was comforting somehow.

[Stella_Omega]

Saying that, a true submissive always says yes!

sounds like a Darwin award about to happen.

[MsQuote]

Originally Posted by subintraining28

1.) From my research it seems like there are lots of rules that need to be followed and techniques that I have never experienced. Plus it will take some work to build up my tollerance for many of the sexual acts that I have come across in my research.


2.) I would say that a good sub would be available to their dom and be there to please him. I think that they would be submissive and obedient and do things without asking or talking back.

3.) I am looking for sexual submission but also past that to other aspects of our life.

4.) I was not really aware of the difference between the two.

5.) The main things that I look for in a partner are trust, honesty and loyalty most of all. There are other things like attractiveness and I like to laugh. Similiar interests etc. but trust honesty and loyalty are most important.

6.) My idea of submission would be total committment to the pleasure and happiness of my dom. I want to be dedicated to them and make myself available to them at all times. Mostly I am looking for that total control of my life.

I hope that this answers your questions.

I think you'll find there are as many rules as there are Doms.

I would suggest joining a site like FetLife, put up a profile, and look up some groups and events, classes and munches in your area. Make a quick introduction and explain that you're new to the lifestyle. Some people are great at reaching out to answer questions and to be a friendly and familiar face if you decide to go to a class or a munch.

I would advise waiting until you got to know a few people until you attend a party, especially if you're going by yourself. At least you'll have some people looking out for your best interests.

I don't suggest looking for a Dom online. Connecting with some Doms, subs and other kinksters in person in the area is a big help in providing you with some education, backup and referrals.

Good luck on your exploration!