Old 06-25-2012, 12:31 AM   #1
wench43
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The Claiming (a poem)

Hello all,

I have been reading Litrotica for over a year now and just decided to join the forums a little over a week ago. I have met some great people. I am still learning the ropes as it were. So forgive me if anything about this is wrong.

This is the first thing I am posting.

Please feel free to tell me what you think. Thank you all!


The Claiming
by Red Wench43 (wench43 on here)


He saw her
He wanted her
He desired her
He desparately craved her touch
Her words whispered in his ear
I want you
I desire you
I love you
He responded the only way he knew how
You are mine
You belong to me
There was no denying it
He claimed her body
Her mind
Her soul
He saved her, for himself
She opened to him, like a moon flower
Blossoming only at night
He is her moon and shines only upon her
She feels his pull on her
Entangled together
He claims her
Whispering words of bonding in her ear
A marraige of the heart
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Old 06-25-2012, 05:36 PM   #2
SweetOblivion
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It's a start

So, well done for stepping onto the boards and testing the water.

That said, you really need to think about what you are writing and how you are going to write it more deeply than you do here. The rudiments of punctuation and spelling need to be observed and even blank verse needs to have a consistent rhythm. Typos such a "marraige" are easy to miss, but there really is no excuse in the days of spell check.

Above all, though, to make a verse worth the time to write and to construct, you need to express something that either no one has expressed before or in a way that no one has thought to express it. A series of wants, needs and desires which are not elaborated in any way do make fairly thin gruel as a poetic meal, unfortunately.

While you do largely avoid the horrid cliches many love to resort to in expressing themselves in verse; and you do not use trite couplets to express banal greetings card verse, you probably don't challenge yourself as much as you might. A moon-flower, for instance, could do so many more interesting things than merely blossom at night.

Think about each word, each thought, each phrase and carve yourself a niche that is different and delightful to you and to others.

Good luck

Sweet O.
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Old 06-25-2012, 06:54 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wench43 View Post
Hello all,

I have been reading Litrotica for over a year now and just decided to join the forums a little over a week ago. I have met some great people. I am still learning the ropes as it were. So forgive me if anything about this is wrong.

This is the first thing I am posting.

Please feel free to tell me what you think. Thank you all!
Hi, Wench.

I agree with some of what SO said and disagree about some of his comments as well (for example, while blank verse requires a consistent rhythm, free verse does not, though it benefits from attention to rhythm).

He is right, though, in that much of the poem isn't very interesting because you are simply telling the reader things (and pretty standard things at that). I would cut out all of the front part of the poem, for example
Quote:
Originally Posted by wench43 View Post
The Claiming
by Red Wench43 (wench43 on here)

He saw her
He wanted her
He desired her
He desparately craved her touch
Her words whispered in his ear
I want you
I desire you
I love you
He responded the only way he knew how
You are mine
You belong to me
There was no denying it
He claimed her body
Her mind
Her soul
He saved her, for himself
<-- I'd delete everything to here, and start
She opens to him, like a [moon] flower <-- I'd suggest taking the word "moon" out
That blossoms only at night.
His moon [and]shines only upon her, <-- Remove "and" etc.
so that you end up starting a different poem something like this:
She opens to him, like a flower
That blossoms only at night.
His moon shines only upon her,
His tidal pull long fingers gathering
Her bloom into his arms.
Now that's kind of clichéd too, but it tries to show us the poem's narrative through imagery rather than simply saying "He saw her / He wanted her / He desired her"). It also tries to make the end words on each line particularly meaningful: flower, night, her, gathering, arms. Line breaks allow the poet to emphasize certain words in the poem as well as control the pacing or sound of the poem. (The emphasized words don't always need to be at the end of the line, nor do they have to be particularly meaningful--the poet may be using the break to control the sound of the poem).

Anyway, just my opinion. Hope it gives you some ideas.
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Old 06-25-2012, 08:16 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzara View Post
Hi, Wench.

I agree with some of what SO said and disagree about some of his comments as well (for example, while blank verse requires a consistent rhythm, free verse does not, though it benefits from attention to rhythm).

He is right, though, in that much of the poem isn't very interesting because you are simply telling the reader things (and pretty standard things at that). I would cut out all of the front part of the poem, for example
so that you end up starting a different poem something like this:
She opens to him, like a flower
That blossoms only at night.
His moon shines only upon her,
His tidal pull long fingers gathering
Her bloom into his arms.
Now that's kind of clichéd too, but it tries to show us the poem's narrative through imagery rather than simply saying "He saw her / He wanted her / He desired her"). It also tries to make the end words on each line particularly meaningful: flower, night, her, gathering, arms. Line breaks allow the poet to emphasize certain words in the poem as well as control the pacing or sound of the poem. (The emphasized words don't always need to be at the end of the line, nor do they have to be particularly meaningful--the poet may be using the break to control the sound of the poem).

Anyway, just my opinion. Hope it gives you some ideas.
Word.
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Old 06-25-2012, 10:03 PM   #5
Tzara
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Originally Posted by corndog_ View Post
Word.
I don't quite know the protocol. Are we supposed to fist bump now?
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Old 06-25-2012, 10:48 PM   #6
Maria2394
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tzara View Post
Hi, Wench.

I agree with some of what SO said and disagree about some of his comments as well (for example, while blank verse requires a consistent rhythm, free verse does not, though it benefits from attention to rhythm).

He is right, though, in that much of the poem isn't very interesting because you are simply telling the reader things (and pretty standard things at that). I would cut out all of the front part of the poem, for example
so that you end up starting a different poem something like this:
She opens to him, like a flower
That blossoms only at night.
His moon shines only upon her,
His tidal pull long fingers gathering
Her bloom into his arms.
Now that's kind of clichéd too, but it tries to show us the poem's narrative through imagery rather than simply saying "He saw her / He wanted her / He desired her"). It also tries to make the end words on each line particularly meaningful: flower, night, her, gathering, arms. Line breaks allow the poet to emphasize certain words in the poem as well as control the pacing or sound of the poem. (The emphasized words don't always need to be at the end of the line, nor do they have to be particularly meaningful--the poet may be using the break to control the sound of the poem).

Anyway, just my opinion. Hope it gives you some ideas.
You give really good advice, Tzara. I know I have benefitted from your talent many times and anyone else who would take the time to glean from you, would be successful with ( improving) their writing.

Thank you for taking the time...


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Old 06-26-2012, 09:02 AM   #7
wench43
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SweetOblivion View Post
So, well done for stepping onto the boards and testing the water.

That said, you really need to think about what you are writing and how you are going to write it more deeply than you do here. The rudiments of punctuation and spelling need to be observed and even blank verse needs to have a consistent rhythm. Typos such a "marraige" are easy to miss, but there really is no excuse in the days of spell check.

Above all, though, to make a verse worth the time to write and to construct, you need to express something that either no one has expressed before or in a way that no one has thought to express it. A series of wants, needs and desires which are not elaborated in any way do make fairly thin gruel as a poetic meal, unfortunately.

While you do largely avoid the horrid cliches many love to resort to in expressing themselves in verse; and you do not use trite couplets to express banal greetings card verse, you probably don't challenge yourself as much as you might. A moon-flower, for instance, could do so many more interesting things than merely blossom at night.

Think about each word, each thought, each phrase and carve yourself a niche that is different and delightful to you and to others.

Good luck

Sweet O.
Thank you for your advice, Sweet O.
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Old 06-26-2012, 09:05 AM   #8
wench43
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Originally Posted by Tzara View Post
Hi, Wench.

I agree with some of what SO said and disagree about some of his comments as well (for example, while blank verse requires a consistent rhythm, free verse does not, though it benefits from attention to rhythm).

He is right, though, in that much of the poem isn't very interesting because you are simply telling the reader things (and pretty standard things at that). I would cut out all of the front part of the poem, for example
so that you end up starting a different poem something like this:
She opens to him, like a flower
That blossoms only at night.
His moon shines only upon her,
His tidal pull long fingers gathering
Her bloom into his arms.
Now that's kind of clichéd too, but it tries to show us the poem's narrative through imagery rather than simply saying "He saw her / He wanted her / He desired her"). It also tries to make the end words on each line particularly meaningful: flower, night, her, gathering, arms. Line breaks allow the poet to emphasize certain words in the poem as well as control the pacing or sound of the poem. (The emphasized words don't always need to be at the end of the line, nor do they have to be particularly meaningful--the poet may be using the break to control the sound of the poem).

Anyway, just my opinion. Hope it gives you some ideas.
Thank you and it does give me ideas.
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Old 06-26-2012, 10:36 AM   #9
champagne1982
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Originally Posted by wench43 View Post
Thank you and it does give me ideas.
Join the club darlin'. I get ideas... oh my, I do get ideas when I'm around these folks. <drool>
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Old 06-26-2012, 10:37 AM   #10
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I don't quite know the protocol. Are we supposed to fist bump now?
Have hot boy on boy sex. I don't make the rules, I just let you know them.
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Old 06-26-2012, 10:55 AM   #11
champagne1982
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Hi Red Wench,

I've done enough empty frolicking on your thread. I'll offer you some feedback on your poem as an act of contrition.

I really like the idea of the bonding portion of this poem and would rather see the focus shifted from "claiming" to show the way the pair is dependent on each other to be complete. Tzara's verse shows this but I think his lacks emphasis on the ceremony that will carry the two onward.

You have a bit of a chant going on but, because of the list-style of the short sentences, I lose the depth of feeling I think you'd like to convey; and just become a little bored and impatient with the extra words. Try to pare down the pronouns, in my opinion excessive use becomes repetitious and not very poetic.

Thank you for joining us and welcome to the PoBo.
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Old 06-26-2012, 09:06 PM   #12
wench43
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Originally Posted by champagne1982 View Post
Hi Red Wench,

I've done enough empty frolicking on your thread. I'll offer you some feedback on your poem as an act of contrition.

I really like the idea of the bonding portion of this poem and would rather see the focus shifted from "claiming" to show the way the pair is dependent on each other to be complete. Tzara's verse shows this but I think his lacks emphasis on the ceremony that will carry the two onward.

You have a bit of a chant going on but, because of the list-style of the short sentences, I lose the depth of feeling I think you'd like to convey; and just become a little bored and impatient with the extra words. Try to pare down the pronouns, in my opinion excessive use becomes repetitious and not very poetic.

Thank you for joining us and welcome to the PoBo.
Thank you. When I have time and have looked over the site some more, I wil see what else I can write.
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Old 06-27-2012, 11:12 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by wench43 View Post
Thank you. When I have time and have looked over the site some more, I wil see what else I can write.
Hi,

I am new here as well and wish you the best. You've taken the first step and survived.

If I could change one major thing after posting, it would be to remember the power of the pen on paper.
I'm taking my own advice a little late.

All feedback has been helpful, but one comment containing one Word triggered my thoughts in this direction.


Now, keep writing!
Sincerely,
Jade
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Old 11-10-2012, 09:04 PM   #14
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Exclamation

Quote:
Originally Posted by wench43 View Post
Hello all,

I have been reading Litrotica for over a year now and just decided to join the forums a little over a week ago. I have met some great people. I am still learning the ropes as it were. So forgive me if anything about this is wrong.

This is the first thing I am posting.

Please feel free to tell me what you think. Thank you all!


The Claiming
by Red Wench43 (wench43 on here)


He saw her
He wanted her
He desired her
He desparately craved her touch
Her words whispered in his ear
I want you
I desire you
I love you
He responded the only way he knew how
You are mine
You belong to me
There was no denying it
He claimed her body
Her mind
Her soul
He saved her, for himself
She opened to him, like a moon flower
Blossoming only at night
He is her moon and shines only upon her
She feels his pull on her
Entangled together
He claims her
Whispering words of bonding in her ear
A marraige of the heart
A marriage of souls. Beautiful words that ring true my lady.

Your soul sings and your heart knows each.
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