Aways learning, always listening

[HunterR87]

This is my first time writing anything like this so please be kind and I will do the same. I am a Dominant, I have been one for most of my life. I have been in many different BDSM relationships. I have just gotten into one with a sub. that I adore but this is her first relationship of this type and though she is enthusiastic and willing I worry that she may want to move too fast duo to past relationship and other issues that she has had. As I said earlier I have experience in this type of relationships but only with someone either of the same if not more knowledge level in this area. Any advice would be helpful and enjoyed. PM me if you don't want to leave anything on this thread thank you and pardon any issues with this post.

[submissive_fire]

Originally Posted by HunterR87

This is my first time writing anything like this so please be kind and I will do the same. I am a Dominant, I have been one for most of my life. I have been in many different BDSM relationships. I have just gotten into one with a sub. that I adore but this is her first relationship of this type and though she is enthusiastic and willing I worry that she may want to move too fast duo to past relationship and other issues that she has had. As I said earlier I have experience in this type of relationships but only with someone either of the same if not more knowledge level in this area. Any advice would be helpful and enjoyed. PM me if you don't want to leave anything on this thread thank you and pardon any issues with this post.

You will have to set the tone of the relationship and how fast it moves. You must be able to assure her that even tho she thinks things should be at X that you are happy and pleased that they are at T. As subs, we want to please ... we want our Dom to be thoroughly pleased with us. She is eager and willing, which means she will probably want to move to a place where she feels as tho she "measures up" to what you've had in the past. Also, you know she has issues with this and I would venture to guess that it has a lot to do with insecurities. It will be up to you to make her feel secure in what you have and how it is progressing.


My first relationship into BDSM happened slowly and over a period of many, many months. If I were to have gone from 0 to 100 in a matter of days, I truly believe I would not have enjoyed or understood it as well. Even now, when I meet men who want to move immediately into a serious D/s relationship without first really getting to know each other scare the hell out of me.

I'm not sure this was much help, perhaps a Dom with an experience similar to yours will come along.

[HunterR87]

Any advice is always welcome. I learned to never ignore any advice, sometimes all you need is a different view to see something clearly. Thank you and any more thoughts are welcome as well.

[Netzach]

She probably will want to pull ahead and plunge in, and it's tempting to follow. If that's the case it means she's having fun, which is good.

But you're the experienced person and the top/dom and your job is to keep the brakes - well engaged, if not on to the point of dull.

Always leave 'em wanting more, you know?

[satindesire]

I know I'm like a drug pusher with these books. My friends here will have to excuse me again as I recommend them one more time.

There's a few books, hon, that you might want to look into. Now, please keep in mind that they're not really "How-To" books as much as "Why-for" books, they delve into the psychology of BDSM a touch, in very user-friendly ways that might help you better understand your and your partner's dynamics in a more educated and accepting way. They speak about safewords, kinks and fetishes, fantasies, and why you are the way you are. They touch on self-acceptance, the journey of self-discovery, and many more fascinating topics that you might not even know you needed to know until you read them!

They're available on Amazon for cheap, and worth twice what they're asking for them.

The New Topping Book- http://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Bo...w+topping+book
The New Bottoming Book- http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-...w+topping+book

They also have them on E-book format if you want to go that route.

The reason I recommend these books to every newcomer who pokes around here for info and education is because these books are fun to read, interesting, and stuffed full of a little bit of almost anything you'd want to know.

I hope this helps. Come back anytime if you have more questions, and welcome to Literotica!

[njlauren]

Originally Posted by satindesire

I know I'm like a drug pusher with these books. My friends here will have to excuse me again as I recommend them one more time.

There's a few books, hon, that you might want to look into. Now, please keep in mind that they're not really "How-To" books as much as "Why-for" books, they delve into the psychology of BDSM a touch, in very user-friendly ways that might help you better understand your and your partner's dynamics in a more educated and accepting way. They speak about safewords, kinks and fetishes, fantasies, and why you are the way you are. They touch on self-acceptance, the journey of self-discovery, and many more fascinating topics that you might not even know you needed to know until you read them!

They're available on Amazon for cheap, and worth twice what they're asking for them.

The New Topping Book- http://www.amazon.com/The-Topping-Bo...w+topping+book
The New Bottoming Book- http://www.amazon.com/The-Bottoming-...w+topping+book

They also have them on E-book format if you want to go that route.

The reason I recommend these books to every newcomer who pokes around here for info and education is because these books are fun to read, interesting, and stuffed full of a little bit of almost anything you'd want to know.

I hope this helps. Come back anytime if you have more questions, and welcome to Literotica!

I highly second those books, those are greenery press books and I found them very, very useful, greenery press has their own website here you can see what they offer.....they are good on the dynamics of bd/sm relationships as well as the how to do things..

I have been in the same position you are in, Hunter, albeit it was I as the sub was experienced and my spouse had started going down the path as a domme/top.....it is aways a mutual learning experience, and as experienced as I was I realized that I needed to let her find out if this was for her, and then let it ignite in herself. In your case, you may want to temper her eagerness, explore things but take it easy, until you get feel for whether or not she was really there...and if it turns out she is, and it is anything like I experienced, it can turn into a freight train at full tilt. Trust your instincts to read her correctly, temper any eagerness that seems out of control or designed to please you rather than being comfortable with it, and you will do fine I think.

[HunterR87]

Thank you all for the advice. I will look in to those books I think I may have or had them at one point. I will take all of the advice to heart and look forward to anymore anyone may have.

[Makitsu_Trinity]

I must say I agree with submissive fire (i hope I got that right). As subs, we tend to want nothing more than to please those we serve.

My husband and I actually started the sexual portion of our relationship dabbling in these waters, and, unfortunately for both of us, we tried to move too fast and I wound up physically hurt and mildly emotionally scarred due to it. We pulled back and began testing the water slowly at first and diving whole heartedly into the parts we both loved. Progressively, we have been moving into the more serious portions (and these may differ depending on what the person's experience is).

To expound upon my last comment, for me, letting him bind me, cuff me, gag me, or blindfold me was mere child's play, while blades and nipple clamps and such were a little more advanced. Some women may have issues with being tied up, but may not care if something is dangling from their body.

Just be sure to keep the lines of communication open and listen to her boundaries while also setting your own. Knowing each other's limits is the first step to establishing a trusting D/s relationship and that is the most important step.

[kimuk]

I just wanted to say.
I had a previous relationship which left me with some issues. We talked about it. Well to tell the truth he had to wring it out of me slowly.
But he now knows my triggers and what I can't deal with. Something as simple as a phrase I don't want him to use.
Its been a long but very fulfilling process, getting to know each other. We have unfoldered to each other slowly. But each time I allow him in a bit deeper then it improves.
I guess you just have to take it one step at a time and deal with issues as they arise?

[HunterR87]

Thank you all again for the advice and suggestions I will take all of your advice and use it as I go forward.