Go Back   Literotica Discussion Board > Main Literotica Forums > Story Feedback

Reply
 
Thread Tools

Old 11-07-2012, 08:14 AM   #1
mw0212
Virgin
 
mw0212 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 5
Post Story Feedback - Tables Turned

Hi everyone,

I have just submitted the last part (chapter 10) to my first story & and wondering if it would be possible for some feedback if anyone would like to read it. I have put the link to part 1 below.

http://www.literotica.com/s/tables-turned-ch-01

As I said, it's my first story so please be gentle! But honest!!!

Thanks for reading...

Kind Regards,

MW
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-09-2012, 06:42 AM   #2
SevenSquared
Really Really Experienced
 
SevenSquared is offline
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 332
Okay, I've read the first five parts but I don't know where parts 6-10 are.

I can't speak much about how erotic the story is because boots are not really my thing. On the whole it was well written, and reasonably well paced and the characters were fairly believable, although it could maybe have used a few more read-throughs or an editor. I'll just list a few things I jotted down as I was reading. I hope you don't think I'm nitpicking, but I am always grateful when people point out these things in my stories so I can fix them next time.

- I didn't think it needed to be broken down into so many parts. Part 1 is extremely short and actually finishes midway through a scene, which makes it feel very soap opera-ey and put me off a bit.

- The opening few paragraphs are a bit confusing. A flashback within a flashback is too much temporal displacement for my brain to handle. And, as of the end of part 5, the initial flashback is still not resolved.

- Quite a few little grammar errors which would probably be picked up by more proof-reading. Camera's shouldn't have an apostrophe. Jacks should.

- A few niggly story line things slightly annoyed me. For example, both times the protagonist tries on the boots, the following day the owner of the boots strongly hints that she knows what he did, yet it is never explained how they know in either case, nor does he seem overly worried about the fact they do. Is this something that is explained in later parts?

- At one point in part 5 you break perspective and suddenly start describing the thoughts of Miss Sharp when she had always been a closed book and the story had been strictly FPP before and after.
  Reply With Quote

Old 11-11-2012, 08:57 PM   #3
mw0212
Virgin
 
mw0212 is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 5
Thanks for replying Seven Squared.

Parts 6-10 were submitted, I think part 6 is now online with the others pending.

I totally take onboard your comments, thanks for the tips! As I say, it was my first attempt. My process began with an initial story idea. I then built on it writing as I went along, sometimes with quite a few weeks between writing - just not managing to find the right words.

Hopefully, when the last chapter is available things will become clearer. The plot in chapter 1 really just set the scene & Jack's fetish discovery but long term, that flashback will play a part in another plot line.

Once again, thank you so much for taking the time to read through. It means a lot.

Please feel free to read the rest of the chapters & give similar feedback.

Kind Regards,

MW
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:06 AM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.