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Old 04-22-2015, 01:46 AM   #1
jonyoungau
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Story Challenge - Hayleys Discovery

I wrote this for the story challenge on the ASN Story Board and was wondering what people thought of it from Literotica. if it was good or not and what changes would make it better from what I have here.


"Story Challenge - Hayleys Discovery

[Please do not post snippets that exceed the prescribed word count.]

Last edited by The Soulful Bard : 04-22-2015 at 03:07 AM.
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Old 04-22-2015, 03:03 AM   #2
Iceprincess12
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Was this a "write run on sentences" challenge? Your first PARAGRAPH is one sentence. Please edit a bit, some of the grammar experts I am sure will come by and help. When issues are this out of hand, I can't read it. Hope to see some changes and I'll come back to take a look.
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Old 04-22-2015, 10:03 AM   #3
Combat323
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Took a look on ASN Storyboard

The two major problems with the story are lack of punctuation and switches in verb tense.

The story starts out in present tense, then goes to past perfect: She had stopped off.... That's fine, and it is the right way to get back to past events, but the story then switches back to present tense to describe events that are clearly in the past.

So, flash to the past with one or two instances of past perfect (had verb...) then stick to past tense.

There is also tense confusion within many of the sentences:
Getting up she looked around to find where her clothes are laying .... She walked into the kitchen to find Gloria sitting up at the counter on a bar stool but now she is dressed
In the above excerpt, "looked" is past tense, while "are" is present tense and needs to be changed to "were." Then, there's "walked" (past) matched with "is" (present).
Also from the excerpt, "laying" should be "lying." Laying basically means putting something down. Once you lay something down, it will lie there until moved in some way.

Haley asks alot of questions, but I think fewer than half are punctuated with question marks.
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Old Yesterday, 09:46 AM   #4
jonyoungau
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Combat323 View Post
The two major problems with the story are lack of punctuation and switches in verb tense.

The story starts out in present tense, then goes to past perfect: She had stopped off.... That's fine, and it is the right way to get back to past events, but the story then switches back to present tense to describe events that are clearly in the past.

So, flash to the past with one or two instances of past perfect (had verb...) then stick to past tense.

There is also tense confusion within many of the sentences:
Getting up she looked around to find where her clothes are laying .... She walked into the kitchen to find Gloria sitting up at the counter on a bar stool but now she is dressed
In the above excerpt, "looked" is past tense, while "are" is present tense and needs to be changed to "were." Then, there's "walked" (past) matched with "is" (present).
Also from the excerpt, "laying" should be "lying." Laying basically means putting something down. Once you lay something down, it will lie there until moved in some way.

Haley asks alot of questions, but I think fewer than half are punctuated with question marks.
Cool thanks for the help its probably where im struggling the most with stories
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Old Yesterday, 09:55 AM   #5
jonyoungau
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Combat323 View Post
The two major problems with the story are lack of punctuation and switches in verb tense.

The story starts out in present tense, then goes to past perfect: She had stopped off.... That's fine, and it is the right way to get back to past events, but the story then switches back to present tense to describe events that are clearly in the past.

So, flash to the past with one or two instances of past perfect (had verb...) then stick to past tense.

There is also tense confusion within many of the sentences:
Getting up she looked around to find where her clothes are laying .... She walked into the kitchen to find Gloria sitting up at the counter on a bar stool but now she is dressed
In the above excerpt, "looked" is past tense, while "are" is present tense and needs to be changed to "were." Then, there's "walked" (past) matched with "is" (present).
Also from the excerpt, "laying" should be "lying." Laying basically means putting something down. Once you lay something down, it will lie there until moved in some way.

Haley asks alot of questions, but I think fewer than half are punctuated with question marks.
You dont edit peoples stories do you?
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Old Yesterday, 12:13 PM   #6
Combat323
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Yes, I do. Schedule's a bit tight right now, but I'll pm you.
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Old Yesterday, 11:37 PM   #7
MyRubiLips
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Question

Quote:
Originally Posted by jonyoungau View Post
You dont edit peoples stories do you?
Are you seeking a Lit editor to edit your work FOR LIT or that other site?
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