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Old 08-07-2014, 03:02 PM   #1
sj14
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Hi everyone.

If you've got a few minutes to spare, would anyone be willing to check out my latest story 'The Morning After' and offer some feedback? For this one I wanted to see if I could write about two people who've already had sex before the story starts and still make it engaging.

This one is much shorter than the first one I did and is only one page long. I didn't spend nearly as much time on it either, but I'd be interested to know your thoughts;

http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh...rning-after-62

Thanks
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Old 08-07-2014, 07:20 PM   #2
JWren
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sj14 View Post
Hi everyone.

If you've got a few minutes to spare, would anyone be willing to check out my latest story 'The Morning After' and offer some feedback? For this one I wanted to see if I could write about two people who've already had sex before the story starts and still make it engaging.

This one is much shorter than the first one I did and is only one page long. I didn't spend nearly as much time on it either, but I'd be interested to know your thoughts;

http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh...rning-after-62

Thanks
The basic idea of a couple cheating when drunk is okay. Waking in a stupor with no memory of the previous night's bedroom activities, is stretching it, especially when both parties suddenly have recollections and even recall the number of copulations and positions. Their supposed anguish over whether to confess about cheating, is not only quickly dismissed but turns into more sex. And the pact at the end is for more "one-off mistakes." Somehow, considering both cheats are unhappy with their real partners sex and restrictions, is it plausible that they would continue with those relationships? Wouldn't Sarah and Jerry become a couple? But, maybe, all you seek is to titillate with descriptive sex and ignore the bigger relationship picture. That's your choice, of course.
Please remember, these are only my thoughts and others (writers/readers) may disagree.
I think, too, a tighter editing would help. For example, I quickly went though your introduction and came up with this (compare it to your original):


From the day they met, Sarah and Michelle were best friends. Sitting next to each other on their first day of school, they immediately became kindred spirits. For years they were inseparable, as close as sisters, and when they got boyfriends, it delighted them that they got on so well, too.
Sarah met Andy when she was nineteen and Michelle met Jerry eight months later. All four bonded quickly. They hung out together, went on holidays and, in their early twenties, Sarah thought they were as close to family as anyone could get without being blood relatives.


So, when Sarah woke up one April morning in bed with Jerry, it was as a surprise, to say the least.


My comments are only designed to help. Good luck.
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Last edited by JWren : 08-07-2014 at 07:26 PM.
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Old 08-08-2014, 10:18 AM   #3
sj14
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Originally Posted by JWren View Post
The basic idea of a couple cheating when drunk is okay. Waking in a stupor with no memory of the previous night's bedroom activities, is stretching it, especially when both parties suddenly have recollections and even recall the number of copulations and positions. Their supposed anguish over whether to confess about cheating, is not only quickly dismissed but turns into more sex. And the pact at the end is for more "one-off mistakes." Somehow, considering both cheats are unhappy with their real partners sex and restrictions, is it plausible that they would continue with those relationships? Wouldn't Sarah and Jerry become a couple? But, maybe, all you seek is to titillate with descriptive sex and ignore the bigger relationship picture. That's your choice, of course.
Please remember, these are only my thoughts and others (writers/readers) may disagree.
I think, too, a tighter editing would help. For example, I quickly went though your introduction and came up with this (compare it to your original):


From the day they met, Sarah and Michelle were best friends. Sitting next to each other on their first day of school, they immediately became kindred spirits. For years they were inseparable, as close as sisters, and when they got boyfriends, it delighted them that they got on so well, too.
Sarah met Andy when she was nineteen and Michelle met Jerry eight months later. All four bonded quickly. They hung out together, went on holidays and, in their early twenties, Sarah thought they were as close to family as anyone could get without being blood relatives.


So, when Sarah woke up one April morning in bed with Jerry, it was as a surprise, to say the least.


My comments are only designed to help. Good luck.
No problem, thanks for the feedback.

I completely agree that it's an entirely unrealistic scenario, but this wasn't a story I put much thought into. I knocked it together in the space of one afternoon and it was hardly edited at all, so you are right that I wasn't interested in the wider relationships and just wanted to titillate.

And part of the reason why it seems unrealistic is because it's not something I've ever experienced personally. I've never cheated on anyone and concocted this whole scenario in my head. I do know however that when you wake up drunk, even if you don't remember everything at first, it does come back to you and I was trying to convey the initial guilt of the cheat being overcome when they gradually remembered precisely what happened.

Having read back through it now I agree they do brush off the guilt too quickly though so should probably have made it longer and spent more time on it. But this was really just a fun way to kill an afternoon so I don't know if I'll go back yet.
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Old 08-08-2014, 07:25 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sj14 View Post
Hi everyone.

If you've got a few minutes to spare, would anyone be willing to check out my latest story 'The Morning After' and offer some feedback? For this one I wanted to see if I could write about two people who've already had sex before the story starts and still make it engaging.

This one is much shorter than the first one I did and is only one page long. I didn't spend nearly as much time on it either, but I'd be interested to know your thoughts;

http://www.literotica.com/stories/sh...rning-after-62

Thanks
Just quickly: I liked the concept, and the first half was good, but the second half didn't work for me. First half: people processing complicated feelings, trying to figure out what happened the night before, and then it shifts to this:

"More," she cried out, "I want more! Oh fuck me Jerry!"

"Are you going to do what Michelle never does?" he shouted, "Are you going to swallow my cum Sarah?"

"God yeah," she gasped, "Fuck me! Fuck me hard and cum in my mouth!"


It just feels like it took a sudden turn into bow-chicka-wow-wow porn movie territory and lost a lot of the emotional depth, if that makes sense? And after that, although they acknowledge that they're still cheating on their partners, they no longer seem to be troubled by it.
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Old 08-08-2014, 09:43 PM   #5
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I actually liked the concept of your story. Two close friends doing it in the heat of their passion and waking up with regrets.

I'll point out your shortcomings to help you. Note that these are my thoughts alone.

1. You need to tighten up your story with a bit of editing. Small anomalies are easily forgiven by the bunch of readers here in Lit, but if you're serious about this story, it would mean a difference between a 4* and 5*.

2. The level of drunkenness shown in your story made me laugh a bit. Here's why:

I can acquiese with the fact that you don't remember much after a night of heavy drinking. Such a level of stupor is enough to make people pass out, and they did it 3 times with a 69 thrown in.

3. I'll echo Bramblethorn's sentiments regarding the emotional part and the 'bow chicka bow wow' part. That last piece of conversation ticked me off.

A bit unrealistic in my opinion.

Overall, your story was good for a short 1 Lit page story but these were the things that caught my eye.
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Old 08-10-2014, 03:17 AM   #6
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Generally I agree with most of the comments above. My two cents.

1. This is one of my pet hates, and maybe others like knowing the general set-up early, but I'd lose the info dump paragraph at the beginning and try to work the information more naturally into the story.

2. I'd have liked a bit more focus on the relationship between Sarah and Michelle on one hand and Jerry and Andy on the other during the sex. What I mean is that Jerry is revealing all kinds of dissatisfaction with his sex life with his wife, how does Sarah feel about this. Is it a surprise, or has she talked about this with Michelle before? Maybe she knows more about why Michelle is dissatisfied with sex than Jerry does. Both of the girls have stopped giving their husbands blowjobs, why is this? Again maybe this is something they've discussed before. My point is that sleeping with your best friend's husband/wife is the main draw of the story and, by giving the other character privileged knowledge helps highlight this a bit.
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Old 08-11-2014, 03:37 AM   #7
sj14
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Thanks for all the feedback everyone, I appreciate it.

I've read back over the story itself and I do agree with all the things you've pointed out. In particular the fact they brushed over the guilt too quickly. It's all useful information and I hope I can use it to improve my writing.

I've uploaded an edited version now which pads it out with more dialogue and it's now two pages long. I do wish I'd seen that last comment before adding it though as I didn't change the sex scene at all and adding in some of their thoughts during the act seems like a really good idea. If I ever write another story I'll seriously consider using that.

And yes I've always had a problem depicting drunkeness in fiction.

Thanks again everyone.
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