Old 05-15-2015, 07:16 AM   #1
exiled_oblivion
Virgin
 
exiled_oblivion is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 11
Post Droplet

OK, so I've been lurking here for years. A couple of years back I submitted a story in the Celebrity section called One Horny Redhead, about Alyson Hannigan. I'd written it for myself really, but thought I'd share it with the world in case anyone else found it interesting.

I said at the time that it would not be the last story I wrote about Alyson.

Then work and real life kicked my ass for a while so I never really thought about writing much more until recently.

Anyway, a few months back I started writing another story, again featuring Ms. Hannigan, but this time in a lesbian scenario with her co-star Amber Benson. If you've seen Seasons 4-6 of Buffy The Vampire Slayer you can see where this is going.

I put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) with no real planning or intention other than the simple premise of "I want to write something where Aly and Amber are together OFF the set as well as on the set". It kinda snowballed into quite a lengthy story, but I'd like some feedback on the first part before I post the rest; I'm not entirely convinced of a few things:

1. Structure. I write it as I think it; stuff just falls out of my brain and onto the keyboard with very little thought as to structure, plot, or anything else. I just kinda let the story take on a mind of it's own and go where it wants to go. Does it work?
2. I'm a straight male, so obviously have fairly minimal understanding of what goes on in a gay girls' mind. Am I at least in the ballpark?
3. Have I allowed too much of the characters that they play on the show to bleed into my portrayal of them? It's difficult to separate the two when there's not an awful lot of insight into their personality available for public consumption, much less their private lives.
4. Do I need an editor? Part of me just wants to throw this stuff out there and doesn't care if other people would like it written differently (as I said above, I write for myself), but the perfectionist in me wants to do it right and not spoil anyone's enjoyment of the story.
5. There are big gaps (in terms of time) between when I've written various parts of this, so if anyone spots any inconsistencies/continuity errors, please let me know.

Any other feedback is greatly appreciated. Here's the link: Droplet

And for anyone that wants to read the first story I submitted (entirely unrelated to Droplet), here it is: One Horny Redhead

Thanks in advance
__________________
Awwwright...

Last edited by exiled_oblivion : 05-15-2015 at 07:37 AM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 05-16-2015, 04:44 AM   #2
MacHill
Virgin
 
MacHill is offline
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: In the woods
Posts: 5
Ok there, EO, I'll take a shot, since I am new here and most certainly will enjoy feedback on my stories ; you have to give in order to receive, right? Please ignore all feedback that is not helpful!

First off, I was searching for a greater degree of conflict in their relationship. I wanted to feel tension out of the norm, but to me the plot felt predictable without any drastic turns to offer interesting character development. Might you try to raise the continuity by offering a preface of sorts, setting up the scene before you get rolling?

["Damnit, the whole situation was way too complicated - Amber, supposedly straight in real life, but now discovering that she most definitely held lesbian tendencies, playing a lesbian girl in the show who is in a relationship with the ex-straight girl that Aly played, who was also straight in real life...and also the object of Amber's obsession."]

Your description of the complication seemed too complicated. Perhaps working out a better paragraph with greater clarity, since this sets up the entire story?

["Yeah I'm cool, just, y'know zoning out." Of course there was no way Amber could let on what she was actually thinking. Or the fact that her body temperature had risen several degrees due to the proximity.]

Awkward sentence structure on that last line. Perhaps, "Or the fact that her proximity alone raised her temperature to an uncomfortable degree, as was typical when she started to feel truly aroused by an enchanting woman."

I found when you specify a degree it distracts, since I was wondering how an 101.6 temperature would effect my interest in a sexual encounter? Personally, I want to go lay down and sleep. ehhehe.

["I'm not weirded out" Amber smiled back at the babbling Aly.]

Minor, not sure if you want me to nitpick, but you missed a period after the word out. OK, no more of those kinds of feedback unless you ask for them.
OK, perhaps one more grammar correction for you.

[Amber stopped her babbling in mid-flow again - this time, the 'be careful what you say' filter between her brain and her mouth seemed to have stopped functioning though: "I'd choose you." She said, a little too quickly. She then realised she was staring deeply into Aly's eyes as she said it.]

Suggestion: (... thought. "I'd choose you," she said a little too quickly. Then, she realized that she was staring deeply into Aly's eyes, and she was staring back with an equal degree of intensity.)

Alternate suggestion (since you got me thinking about it):

(Amber tried to stop her internal babbling, a trait she had been trying to correct without much success, so it seemed. Even though she reminded herself to be careful, to filter her thoughts, as opposed to blurting them out in unadorned self expression, she replied far too quickly, wishing she might have composed something more cleaver to say. "I'd choose you," she said desperately. Then, she realized she was staring deeply into Aly's eyes while she said it, the lust in them revealing her inner thoughts without a need for words.)

I was hoping for a good description of their lovemaking. You know, a pay-off, so to speak. I thought it an opportunity lost. Again, I wanted more differentiation when compared to other stories with similar themes.

Now, I hope I am not too scathing by pointing out a bit of a repetitive issue. I noticed you start too many paragraphs with names. Perhaps, changing 40% of them by adding a different take on the same concepts, but starting the sentence differently, to mix things up. Such as, changing [Aly nodded. Their lips met again, this time tenderly...] to something like, "With a slight nod Aly acknowledged her desperate need for another kiss. Their lips met once again, only this time so tenderly she felt one of her tears inadvertently roll down her cheek..."

Overall, I liked the premise of how love, and eroticism, might come to fruition due to circumstances that were initially a potential roadblock to intimacy. But I wanted Aly to morph into a greater person through taking a risk. To be honest, it read as if you published it too soon, that it needed more work on the drawing board EG spelling and grammar errors that seemed unintended, and might have gotten caught by spelling/grammar tools. I do that lots, too. Another few hours of work and my guess is that it would be a much tighter story.

Hope that helped! If not, sorry about that!

Last edited by MacHill : 05-16-2015 at 07:02 AM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 05-16-2015, 03:20 PM   #3
robertreams
Literotica Guru
 
robertreams is offline
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,755
couldn't find a link that worked
__________________
[font="Arial Narrow"][/FONT]See my e-books at Smashwords.com and at most e-book retailers.
  Reply With Quote

Old 05-16-2015, 03:35 PM   #4
lovecraft68
Bad Doggie
 
lovecraft68's Avatar
 
lovecraft68 is offline
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Closer than you think.
Posts: 23,360
Quote:
Originally Posted by robertreams View Post
couldn't find a link that worked
https://www.literotica.com/s/droplet
__________________
"There is an expression; all men are created equal. This statement is a lie, no doubt created to help those who wallow in mediocrity feel better about themselves." The Lady Persephone, Grand Mistress of the Circle.
  Reply With Quote

Old 05-17-2015, 03:00 AM   #5
robertreams
Literotica Guru
 
robertreams is offline
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,755
I don't know if I want to give feedback to someone who doesn't care whether his story is well written or not. Believe me, you should care. It is hard to figure out what you are saying some of the time. never never ever say "the fact that." it means the same as "that".

Try putting all Amber's internal musings in italics, then your readers will be able to tell what is what.

Amber thought about it. Yep, pretty intense. Not least of which was the fact that the script demanded that she had had to kiss Aly - properly, as lovers do - for the first time in the show. Holy shit, had THAT been intense (and had gotten more intense as Joss demanded more and more takes - they'd begun to wonder if he was doing it for reasons other than making a good show); Amber's lips were still on fire from that. As was most of her body.


You over clarify and over explain.

Amber thought about the day's work. Yep, pretty intense. The script had called for her to kiss Alyson as a lover would. That had been intense, especially when Joss kept demanding retakes. She and Alyson had begun to wonder if he had other motives for seeing them kiss. Amber's lips were still afire, as was her body.

Yes you need an editor everyone does. I didn't know who you were talking about until you said "Buffy". Interesting premiss. Could be a great story, but it is very hard to read. You also have some talent. All of us (at least many of us) write from stream of consciousness, it helps the creativity flow, but then we all need to go back and fix things so that we not only jot down a story, but we write a story that grips the reader, pulls him or her into the story and makes them love or hate the story and your characters. You story almost does that. We need much better descriptions of their love making. When the action starts, your sentences should get shorter, more concise, more intense, to speed the action and draw the reader into the action.

When you finish a story you should read it again, maybe from back to front so you can see how confusing it is.

When i say "should" I don't mean there are laws. of course there are rules, but when I say should, I mean I suggest, for clarity, for better communication.
__________________
[font="Arial Narrow"][/FONT]See my e-books at Smashwords.com and at most e-book retailers.

Last edited by robertreams : 05-17-2015 at 03:13 AM.
  Reply With Quote

Old 05-18-2015, 06:39 PM   #6
exiled_oblivion
Virgin
 
exiled_oblivion is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 11
Thanks guys, all duly noted.

The one thing that I should point out is that the back end of this part was purely meant to be a brief description of Amber's fantasy; the real 'pay off' happens in the next part. Maybe I should have posted some of that.

Either way, it appears that I have a lot of work to do.
__________________
Awwwright...
  Reply With Quote

Old 05-18-2015, 06:43 PM   #7
exiled_oblivion
Virgin
 
exiled_oblivion is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 11
While I'm here: on the subject of thoughts in italics, is it better to put each thought on a new line?

E.g. the opening line of the next part is:
What the hell?

Amber looked at her alarm clock. It was 3:07 AM.

Who the hell would be knocking on the door at this time of night?
Also, times: better in wordy format (e.g. "three in the morning"), or as I've done above?
__________________
Awwwright...
  Reply With Quote

Old 05-18-2015, 07:17 PM   #8
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
 
sr71plt's Avatar
 
sr71plt is offline
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Mid-Atlantic, USA
Posts: 38,109
Nope. As long as you're running with one character's thoughts/actions, it can go in the same paragraph.
__________________
______________________
  Reply With Quote

Old 05-19-2015, 04:46 AM   #9
exiled_oblivion
Virgin
 
exiled_oblivion is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 11
Thanks - what about times? Numeric or worded?
__________________
Awwwright...
  Reply With Quote

Old 05-19-2015, 12:46 PM   #10
sr71plt
Literotica Guru
 
sr71plt's Avatar
 
sr71plt is offline
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Mid-Atlantic, USA
Posts: 38,109
Quote:
Originally Posted by exiled_oblivion View Post
Thanks - what about times? Numeric or worded?
Depends. He arrived at 3:00 p.m./He arrived at three in the afternoon. Both are right. Depends on the context.
__________________
______________________
  Reply With Quote

Old 05-24-2015, 06:28 PM   #11
exiled_oblivion
Virgin
 
exiled_oblivion is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 11
OK I've posted the rest of this here:

http://www.literotica.com/s/droplet-pt-02

Hopefully this is somewhat better than the first part. Any feedback would be appreciated.

Hmm. Looks like there's a horizontal rule missing which was meant to demarcate the separation between night and morning...hopefully it's not too much of an issue.

Thanks
__________________
Awwwright...
  Reply With Quote

Old 05-25-2015, 09:15 AM   #12
robertreams
Literotica Guru
 
robertreams is offline
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,755
how about:"It was after three."
__________________
[font="Arial Narrow"][/FONT]See my e-books at Smashwords.com and at most e-book retailers.
  Reply With Quote

Old 06-10-2015, 04:40 PM   #13
exiled_oblivion
Virgin
 
exiled_oblivion is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 11
Anyone want to give me some feedback on the second part please?
__________________
Awwwright...
  Reply With Quote

Old 06-11-2015, 10:48 AM   #14
robertreams
Literotica Guru
 
robertreams is offline
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,755
"What the hell?"

Amber, still half asleep, looked sideways at her alarm clock. The green lights said 3:07.

"Who the hell would be knocking on the door at this time of night?"

The night was dark, barring the faint glow of a nearby streetlight. And dead qyuiet, save for the rustling of the willows outside her window.

She considered ignoring the knocking, . Maybe they'd gotten the wrong door.

The knock came again, more urgent. Annoyed, she threw the bed sheets off, put her bathrobe on, and went to open the door, flicking on a low lamp.

Without a word, Aly pushed through, back-heeled the door, pressed Amber against the wall, and kissed her hard. Her kiss was desperate, had barely begun before she pushed Amber onto the bed, got on all fours on top of her, and continued kissing, shrugging off her own bathrobe.
__________________
[font="Arial Narrow"][/FONT]See my e-books at Smashwords.com and at most e-book retailers.
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 04:25 AM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.