Ok there, EO, I'll take a shot, since I am new here and most certainly will enjoy feedback on my stories ; you have to give in order to receive, right? Please ignore all feedback that is not helpful!
First off, I was searching for a greater degree of conflict in their relationship. I wanted to feel tension out of the norm, but to me the plot felt predictable without any drastic turns to offer interesting character development. Might you try to raise the continuity by offering a preface of sorts, setting up the scene before you get rolling?
["Damnit, the whole situation was way too complicated - Amber, supposedly straight in real life, but now discovering that she most definitely held lesbian tendencies, playing a lesbian girl in the show who is in a relationship with the ex-straight girl that Aly played, who was also straight in real life...and also the object of Amber's obsession."]
Your description of the complication seemed too complicated. Perhaps working out a better paragraph with greater clarity, since this sets up the entire story?
["Yeah I'm cool, just, y'know zoning out." Of course there was no way Amber could let on what she was actually thinking. Or the fact that her body temperature had risen several degrees due to the proximity.]
Awkward sentence structure on that last line. Perhaps, "Or the fact that her proximity alone raised her temperature to an uncomfortable degree, as was typical when she started to feel truly aroused by an enchanting woman."
I found when you specify a degree it distracts, since I was wondering how an 101.6 temperature would effect my interest in a sexual encounter? Personally, I want to go lay down and sleep. ehhehe.
["I'm not weirded out" Amber smiled back at the babbling Aly.]
Minor, not sure if you want me to nitpick, but you missed a period after the word out. OK, no more of those kinds of feedback unless you ask for them.
OK, perhaps one more grammar correction for you.
[Amber stopped her babbling in mid-flow again - this time, the 'be careful what you say' filter between her brain and her mouth seemed to have stopped functioning though: "I'd choose you." She said, a little too quickly. She then realised she was staring deeply into Aly's eyes as she said it.]
Suggestion: (... thought. "I'd choose you," she said a little too quickly. Then, she realized that she was staring deeply into Aly's eyes, and she was staring back with an equal degree of intensity.)
Alternate suggestion (since you got me thinking about it):
(Amber tried to stop her internal babbling, a trait she had been trying to correct without much success, so it seemed. Even though she reminded herself to be careful, to filter her thoughts, as opposed to blurting them out in unadorned self expression, she replied far too quickly, wishing she might have composed something more cleaver to say. "I'd choose you," she said desperately. Then, she realized she was staring deeply into Aly's eyes while she said it, the lust in them revealing her inner thoughts without a need for words.)
I was hoping for a good description of their lovemaking. You know, a pay-off, so to speak. I thought it an opportunity lost. Again, I wanted more differentiation when compared to other stories with similar themes.
Now, I hope I am not too scathing by pointing out a bit of a repetitive issue. I noticed you start too many paragraphs with names. Perhaps, changing 40% of them by adding a different take on the same concepts, but starting the sentence differently, to mix things up. Such as, changing [Aly nodded. Their lips met again, this time tenderly...] to something like, "With a slight nod Aly acknowledged her desperate need for another kiss. Their lips met once again, only this time so tenderly she felt one of her tears inadvertently roll down her cheek..."
Overall, I liked the premise of how love, and eroticism, might come to fruition due to circumstances that were initially a potential roadblock to intimacy. But I wanted Aly to morph into a greater person through taking a risk. To be honest, it read as if you published it too soon, that it needed more work on the drawing board EG spelling and grammar errors that seemed unintended, and might have gotten caught by spelling/grammar tools. I do that lots, too. Another few hours of work and my guess is that it would be a much tighter story.
Hope that helped! If not, sorry about that!