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Old 08-27-2015, 12:13 PM   #1
ceris01
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Feedback request - changed writing style

Good afternoon fellow litsters!

My latest story has just gone live and I now feel brave enough to ask the community for some useful feedback! :-)

I have changed style from my first few stories, trying to get a more mainstream story style. I would appreciate feedback in the following areas if peeps would be so kind.

Have I got the dialogs right? Do they work?

Have I managed to stay consistent with perspective? If not does it work?

Anyway thanks in advance and I hope you enjoy it.

https://www.literotica.com/s/anniversary-surprise-pt-02
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Old 08-27-2015, 12:45 PM   #2
sr71plt
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The perspective and dialogue treatment look fine. It's a bit unfortunate, though, especially when an editor is named, for the first sentence to be a run-on sentence. Nothing else noticed in a scan, though (other than a publisher's ellipsis is not ...; its space.space.space.space).
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Old 08-27-2015, 12:59 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
The perspective and dialogue treatment look fine. It's a bit unfortunate, though, especially when an editor is named, for the first sentence to be a run-on sentence. Nothing else noticed in a scan, though (other than a publisher's ellipsis is not ...; its space.space.space.space).
Thankyou, at least my main worrys seem unfounded, but I'm not sure what you mean by a run-on sentence, could you explain please?
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Old 08-27-2015, 01:12 PM   #4
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This sentence, My wife and I returned to our room with a satisfied feeling running through us, it had been our first time with another couple, completely unplanned yet extremely welcome, should be two. It runs together incorrectly at the ". . . us, it . . ." There should be a sentence break there with a period or at least a semicolon. So, a run-on of two independent clauses without a connector.
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Old 08-27-2015, 01:15 PM   #5
ceris01
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sr71plt View Post
This sentence, My wife and I returned to our room with a satisfied feeling running through us, it had been our first time with another couple, completely unplanned yet extremely welcome, should be two. It runs together incorrectly at the ". . . us, it . . ." There should be a sentence break there with a period or at least a semicolon. So, a run-on of two independent clauses without a connector.
Ah! I understand! Thankyou I well keep an eye out for that in future
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