Old 01-17-2018, 04:28 AM   #1
spongeman
Virgin
 
spongeman is offline
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
My first submission

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-first-encounter-12

I'd love to get some feedback. It's an extract from a novel I'm currently writing. I want to know how this makes you feel.
  Reply With Quote

Old 01-17-2018, 09:07 AM   #2
electricblue66
Literotica Guru
 
electricblue66 is offline
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Oz
Posts: 1,924
It's a sweet little piece. I see it's the first chapter of a longer work, but it's probably too short, really; its finished before it begins.

"Began" is used far too many times. Find other words, and consider that actions always have a beginning, a middle, and an end, so you don't actually need to tell us they "began" to kiss, not really.

Also, you shift from his feelings to her thoughts often and rapidly; too often, I felt. Perhaps a couple of "her" paragraph followed by a few for him, but don't swap pov too often, certainly not sentence by sentence. It gets too jumpy, and I lost patience trying to keep up with who was thinking what.

A couple of words missing here and there - tighter editing and a closer read of your copy would improve it. Finally, it's a little bit telling me this, telling me that - "show, don't tell". It's capable writing, but not earth shattering. Give us more emotional substance, give us more time with your characters.

Keep writing though - make your second chapter two or three times longer, I reckon (Approx 3,750 words = one Lit page.)
__________________
electricblue

My stories: https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions
  Reply With Quote

Old 01-17-2018, 11:54 AM   #3
spongeman
Virgin
 
spongeman is offline
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Thanks for the feedback. Rather than this being the first chapter it is more of a scene that I wrote for the book. I wanted to start by sharing this section because I think its important to get the steamy bits right as this is my first foray into erotic writing and also this will be my first novel. I'll give it an edit/rework based on your input.

Thanks for taking the time to read it and your critique is much appreciated
  Reply With Quote

Old 01-17-2018, 03:36 PM   #4
8letters
Literotica Guru
 
8letters is offline
Join Date: May 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 790
When I clicked on the link, my first thought was "WALL OF TEXT". It was very daunting to see one big paragraph after another.

As this is an excerpt, I won't say that you should establish the chemistry before you start the sex - I'm assuming that you've done that in your larger piece. But have them talk. Have her moan and gasp when he's kissing her and have him mutter how good it feels when she takes his cock into her hand.

Go slow. Describe what her dress is like. What lingerie is she wearing when the dress comes off. What's the light like in the room. What does she smell like. Get us as much as you can into the room.
__________________
Blog on my writing.

Latest story - My Lingerie-Loving Sister Moves In

Most popular stories - My European Summer Vacation and My Sister Set Me Up on a Blind Date
  Reply With Quote

Old 01-17-2018, 06:13 PM   #5
spongeman
Virgin
 
spongeman is offline
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Thanks so much! I'm frantically working away at it now!
  Reply With Quote

Old 01-18-2018, 08:02 PM   #6
spongeman
Virgin
 
spongeman is offline
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
version 2 now submitted pending moderator auth
  Reply With Quote

Old 01-24-2018, 06:47 AM   #7
spongeman
Virgin
 
spongeman is offline
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 6
Version 2 now up
  Reply With Quote

Old 01-24-2018, 05:19 PM   #8
electricblue66
Literotica Guru
 
electricblue66 is offline
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Oz
Posts: 1,924
Quote:
Originally Posted by spongeman View Post
Version 2 now up
OK, you've cleaned it up and made it stronger writing, less tentative. Still some minor punctuation errors here and there - I laughed at this one:
Quote:
'I really need your cock inside me Roman. Make love to me.'
I've heard it described as pussy, snatch, or cunt, but never a Roman before. Perhaps it's a pet name...

But now you've fixed up the mechanics of the text, the blandness of the dialogue comes up from the noise, and really, it's now just another dime a dozen set of porn cliche sex bits, ending with cum on her tits in the shower. It's still loving and sweet, but...

Everyone can write these scenes, so it's all a bit, "meh, whatever," unless you make your characters sizzle with emotion, something, anything. Know what I'm saying?

You've shown by the edit that you do know your technical chops, you do have the discipline to scrub your text and pay attention to your words; so now, go give us characters to care about.

But don't futz any more with this chapter. You'll learn more by writing another chapter, another piece. My suggestion would be to hold off on the next great American novel for a while, and try shorter, self-contained pieces; different characters, different stories, new ideas.

Consider this - if you're going to write the same tropes as 95% of writers here on Lit, you have to be sizzlingly good to stand out, yeah? So you either have to really stand out, OR, write something different to everybody else. That way, your measure is yourself, not the 10,000 other guys standing alongside you. It's my theory of penguins. Don't be a penguin, unless you can be the tallest one or stand on the biggest rock.

Write your next piece, though, then the one after that. After a while (thirty, forty, fifty stories), you'll start thinking about your stupid huge, hubris work, and you'll have learned the skills to tackle it. That's when the hard work starts.
__________________
electricblue

My stories: https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 01:43 PM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.