Originally Posted by spongeman
Version 2 now up
OK, you've cleaned it up and made it stronger writing, less tentative. Still some minor punctuation errors here and there - I laughed at this one:
'I really need your cock inside me Roman. Make love to me.'
I've heard it described as pussy, snatch, or cunt, but never a Roman before. Perhaps it's a pet name...
But now you've fixed up the mechanics of the text, the blandness of the dialogue comes up from the noise, and really, it's now just another dime a dozen set of porn cliche sex bits, ending with cum on her tits in the shower. It's still loving and sweet, but...
Everyone can write these scenes, so it's all a bit, "meh, whatever," unless you make your characters sizzle with emotion, something, anything. Know what I'm saying?
You've shown by the edit that you do know your technical chops, you do have the discipline to scrub your text and pay attention to your words; so now, go give us characters to care about.
But don't futz any more with this chapter. You'll learn more by writing another chapter, another piece. My suggestion would be to hold off on the next great American novel for a while, and try shorter, self-contained pieces; different characters, different stories, new ideas.
Consider this - if you're going to write the same tropes as 95% of writers here on Lit, you have to be sizzlingly good to stand out, yeah? So you either have to really stand out, OR, write something different to everybody else. That way, your measure is yourself, not the 10,000 other guys standing alongside you. It's my theory of penguins. Don't be a penguin, unless you can be the tallest one or stand on the biggest rock.
Write your next piece, though, then the one after that. After a while (thirty, forty, fifty stories), you'll start thinking about your stupid huge, hubris work, and you'll have learned the skills to tackle it. That's when the hard work starts.