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Old 07-20-2015, 10:49 AM   #1
tanyastoes
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Feedback - Oasis Pool Club

I'm hoping someone out there can provide some feedback. I've been working on a series of stories. All but the final chapter have been posted. Here is the link to the first one:
https://www.literotica.com/s/oasis-pool-club-ep-01-pt-1
And here is the last one that's been posted:
https://www.literotica.com/s/oasis-p...ub-ep-06-pt-03
I don't expect anyone to just go and read the whole series, but I hope some of yall out there on Lit have done so.
At this point, I am looking for some specific feedback. I have the last chapter written, but it sort of has two different endings. Is anyone willing to discuss this series with me?
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Old 07-22-2015, 01:04 AM   #2
CWatson
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I'm having trouble getting through even the first chapter because of technical issues. You changed between past and present tense about once per paragraph for the first ten paragraphs, which is frequently enough that I started wondering if you were doing it on accident. Additionally, it's always tricky to address the reader directly, as you did in the first paragraph. The end result is that it seems sloppy. As a reader, I don't want to invest effort into the story if it seems like the author hasn't--if, as far as I can tell, she just dashed it off in a rush, patted herself on the back and hit "Submit" without rereading it even once. The story picks up steam once you finally settle into present tense, but by then I've already hit the Big Red Back Button.

Then the sound effects kick in. Instead of describing the action, you just throw random noises in. It's another sign of laziness, and it's a huge turn-off for me.

As to the ending, I'm assuming it involves feeding the cumcoction to this mayor and turning her into a slut. That's basically the only direction you can go. If Matt is smart, he'll film her escapades at the club and create a moral outrage that results in her losing office. Then Diane can keep her club.
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Old 07-24-2015, 04:02 PM   #3
robertreams
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[quote=CWatson;69563695]I'm having trouble getting through even the first chapter because of technical issues. You changed between past and present tense about once per paragraph for the first ten paragraphs, which is frequently enough that I started wondering if you were doing it on accident. Additionally, it's always tricky to address the reader directly, as you did in the first paragraph. The end result is that it seems sloppy. As a reader, I don't want to invest effort into the story if it seems like the author hasn't--if, as far as I can tell, she just dashed it off in a rush, patted herself on the back and hit "Submit" without rereading it even once. The story picks up steam once you finally settle into present tense, but by then I've already hit the Big Red Back Button.

Then the sound effects kick in. Instead of describing the action, you just throw random noises in. It's another sign of laziness, and it's a huge turn-off for me.

As to the ending, I'm assuming it involves feeding the cumcoction to this mayor and turning her into a slut. That's basically the only direction you can go. If Matt is smart, he'll film her escapades at the club and create a moral outrage that results in her losing office. Then Diane can keep her club.

This is not my feedback. I hit a button by accident and everything went screwy.
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Last edited by robertreams : 07-24-2015 at 04:06 PM.
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Old 07-24-2015, 04:03 PM   #4
robertreams
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Cool too much

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[quote=robertreams;69622395]
Quote:
Originally Posted by CWatson View Post
I'm having trouble getting through even the first chapter because of technical issues. You changed between past and present tense about once per paragraph for the first ten paragraphs, which is frequently enough that I started wondering if you were doing it on accident. Additionally, it's always tricky to address the reader directly, as you did in the first paragraph. The end result is that it seems sloppy. As a reader, I don't want to invest effort into the story if it seems like the author hasn't--if, as far as I can tell, she just dashed it off in a rush, patted herself on the back and hit "Submit" without rereading it even once. The story picks up steam once you finally settle into present tense, but by then I've already hit the Big Red Back Button.

Then the sound effects kick in. Instead of describing the action, you just throw random noises in. It's another sign of laziness, and it's a huge turn-off for me.

As to the ending, I'm assuming it involves feeding the cumcoction to this mayor and turning her into a slut. That's basically the only direction you can go. If Matt is smart, he'll film her escapades at the club and create a moral outrage that results in her losing office. Then Diane can keep her club.
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