Go Back   Literotica Discussion Board > Main Literotica Forums > Story Feedback

Reply
 
Thread Tools

Old 12-19-2016, 09:10 PM   #1
Unnaturaldesire
Virgin
 
Unnaturaldesire is online now
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 11
My first story - feedback on any aspect much appreciated

https://www.literotica.com/s/submission-an-initiation
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-20-2016, 12:24 AM   #2
Jay321
Really Experienced
 
Jay321's Avatar
 
Jay321 is offline
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 270
I took a quick look at your story, there is a bit of "your kink is not my kink" going on, so I didn't get very far into the story. That is not a criticism, just a statement.

What I did see, is that you need to work on your punctuation and grammar. There are volunteer editors on this site, and if you are having a hard time connecting with one, you could always copy and paste your story in on grammarly.com. Their spelling/grammar check far exceeds microsoft office.

It took a moment to know for certain what gender the protagonist is. I am an imaginative reader, I want to know the gender pretty quickly so I can start putting him/her together in my head.

Its my two cents based on 20-30 chapters, so here is a grain of salt to take it with. Good luck to you!
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-20-2016, 09:51 AM   #3
JayG88
Really Experienced
 
JayG88's Avatar
 
JayG88 is offline
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: London
Posts: 105
I thought it was really well written for a first effort.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-20-2016, 03:02 PM   #4
hylas_
Really Experienced
 
hylas_'s Avatar
 
hylas_ is offline
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Europe
Posts: 233
Subject's right up my alley, and it's well written. So yeah, I loved it!

I noticed that the story was probably not proofread, but there were no major issues that took me out of the story.
__________________

My Literotica Submissions

23.11.16 - Updated an old submission: The Dive
16.11.16 - New submission: Fuckboy Billy Ch. 01

I'm available as a beta reader


  Reply With Quote

Old 12-21-2016, 12:59 PM   #5
hadruprider
Really Really Experienced
 
hadruprider is offline
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: England
Posts: 353
The story is good and the sex scenes are hot for people who are into that sort of thing.

But the sex is a bit repetitive.
Also there are quite a lot of little errors, for example
"Listening to her sign and breath deeply".
The dialogue is not punctuated correctly in many places. For example a lot of full stops are missing. These should come before the closing quotes.
Sorry to be a boring pedant!
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-23-2016, 10:55 AM   #6
tomlitilia
Really Experienced
 
tomlitilia's Avatar
 
tomlitilia is offline
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: In the clouds
Posts: 224
As others have pointed out, there are some technical aspects that could have been improved. But I must also commend you for the nice flow in your language. You really made the story come alive. Good job!

I enjoyed most of it, even though there were some aspects that were a bit of a turn-off for me. E.g. the mentioning of "soft girly hands" on the male protagonist ruined the mood a bit for me; it's along the lines of the tedious notion that no real man could be dominated by a woman. But that's just a matter of taste I suppose.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-23-2016, 12:17 PM   #7
Unnaturaldesire
Virgin
 
Unnaturaldesire is online now
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 11
The idea of no real man wasn't my intention the story is based on my own experience and my hands happen to be like that and I've never really seen it that way but understand how it could be interpreted as such.

Appreciate all the comments especially on technical side bit embarrassing but guess it always help to have a second pair of eyes on it never been the best at proofing my own work always found it easier proofing others.
  Reply With Quote

Old 12-28-2016, 07:55 PM   #8
Unnaturaldesire
Virgin
 
Unnaturaldesire is online now
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 11
I was wondering if anyone felt that for a short story it takes a bit too long to reach the sex or if they think that right level of build up was employed.
  Reply With Quote

Old Yesterday, 05:17 AM   #9
Unnaturaldesire
Virgin
 
Unnaturaldesire is online now
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 11
Spent over half a day going through line by line to check and correct all the grammar issues and have since resulted the edited version as per the FAQ instructions and that was over a week ago. Does anyone know if it normal to wait that long for a simple re edit to take so long to put up.
  Reply With Quote

Old Yesterday, 06:15 AM   #10
electricblue66
Literotica Guru
 
electricblue66 is offline
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Oz
Posts: 614
Quote:
Originally Posted by Unnaturaldesire View Post
Spent over half a day going through line by line to check and correct all the grammar issues and have since resulted the edited version as per the FAQ instructions and that was over a week ago. Does anyone know if it normal to wait that long for a simple re edit to take so long to put up.
Yes, that's typical. Assuming you have re-submitted correctly, it can take about a week, new writers possibly longer. Edited works take a lower priority than new material, so whilst it might be a "simple edit" to you it's a go-around for the site editor, Laurel, and goes to the bottom of her pile.

Writers should make every effort to "get it right" the first time. Move on, write your next piece, is my advice
__________________
electricblue

My stories: https://www.literotica.com/stories/m...ge=submissions
  Reply With Quote

Old Yesterday, 06:38 AM   #11
Unnaturaldesire
Virgin
 
Unnaturaldesire is online now
Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 11
Quote:
Originally Posted by electricblue66 View Post
Yes, that's typical. Assuming you have re-submitted correctly, it can take about a week, new writers possibly longer. Edited works take a lower priority than new material, so whilst it might be a "simple edit" to you it's a go-around for the site editor, Laurel, and goes to the bottom of her pile.

Writers should make every effort to "get it right" the first time. Move on, write your next piece, is my advice
Thanks was unaware that there was the one site editor. Kudos to her in future will try to get it right the first time to avoid such a situation.
  Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:52 PM.

Copyright 1998-2013 Literotica Online. Literotica is a registered trademark.