Me and my partner's levels of kinkiness and sex drives are different
I've been feeling down and thought this would be the best place to go for help right now. I used to browse here a few years ago but haven't been around for a while, so 'hi!'.
I'm an Australian woman in a relationship with a man I love and am going to marry and already live with. It does get to me sometimes that our levels of kinkiness and sex drives are different. (Mine being the higher levels). These are issues I've had in all serious relationships I've had and so are things I carry with myself and can have some control over.
Here are my concerns:
1. I appear to be more kinky - he'll do things to me at my suggestion (blindfolds, light whipping, me dressing up), but doesn't tend to be the one doing the suggesting as much.
2. I have a higher sex drive. We have sex 2-3 times a week. If he doesn't want to and I do, I find it hard not to show my disappointment. Though I don't want him to do anything he doesn't want to, I find it hard not to be disappointed.
3. Aside from this, I do and have always fantasised during sex. Either about previous times that we've had sex, when we first got together, or stuff I've collected in my mind from porn and books (I read a lot of Bukowski growing up which I do feel influenced me. Especially the short stories. This really stuck with me. And now other erotic literature and classics Anais Nin and the Story of O). (Some of these fantasies are also stored from when I was young and would get blind drunk/high and have sex with strangers. Some of these situations were not great/quite dangerous/ but at the same time sexy and very confusing! I have spent time discussing the behaviours in therapy, but not that I am still turned on by it).
For example, on Friday we'd been out. We got home and got undressed and jumped into bed where he focussed all the attention on me which was lovely. Sometimes we feel we can get caught in a routine where we both want to make sure the other feels good, so forget to be in the moment ourselves. Earlier in the week he had mentioned to me that he'd like to get a blow job where that is the whole focus of the session. I was very happy to do that, and it really excited me that he had this desire.
So last night we did just that. But... afterwards I was so turned on that I wanted to come myself. That hadn't been part of the plan, I would have been very happy to stay in bed myself while he went back to his plans for the night, but he said he'd stay and kiss me. It was really wonderful, but afterwards I felt so guilty that I hadn't kept up the bargain.
I've been trying to let him know what I think I need. He occasionally uses a riding crop on me, at my request, which I love. I love giving over control because in my day to day life I'm a very organised person, I love to be busy and am always doing something. I tend to arrange social outings, logistics, etc, and so I think this is part of the reason I love to be dominated in bed. He doesn't mind doing it for me, and does get in to it, but not as much as I do. So I then worry that he doesn't want to do it and feel guilty after I've had my pleasure.
I worry that I am 'bad'. I know that these are silly concerns, but that I still feel them after I orgasm. I wish I could just be in the moment and get what I need from the present/ OR that I could resolve the issues that I have with my fantasies and just enjoy without the guilt. My fantasies are not illegal, though sometimes quite taboo and violent. Some I've never told anyone. And they're not necessarily things I'd ever do, but they sure do turn me on!
Soooooooo, what am I asking?
*how do you all work through one partner being more kinky than the other?
*any suggestions for how to better deal with occasions where I feel like sex and he doesn't?
*advice/links to ways to work through accepting my fantasies and their place in the bedroom?
Thanks in advance. I feel better just writing these words.