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Old 04-12-2013, 11:06 PM   #1
Salenku
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Feeling unwanted

How to cope with it?

My Dom has other girls, and I have to accept that. But when I don't get a reply when I can see he's online I feel just awful, a burden on his time. Especially when he tells me later he was asleep. Probably just trying not to hurt me, but when he does things like this, it makes me feel worse, and I wonder what else might be a little different in reality from what I'm led to believe.

We have spoken about this countless times, but it seems that when he's not actually speaking to me he doesn't have time to do the things he promised me such as sending me an email each day, or trying to be more open with me.

I don't know what to do, and I'm feeling really hurt because its been like this for weeks now. I'm feeling pretty bad about myself, and I'm not happy with that. I've never felt that my value as a person is so tied up in someone else before, is this a normal thing?

I don't want to leave, I do love him very much. I don't feel comfortable bringing the subject up AGAIN, either. Is there a third option? Could we agree times when I don't contact him as he'll be busy with someone else? Do people do that? Would it even help?

If you read this far, thank you, I know I've gone on a bit of a ramble... I'm just at a total loss.

S. xxx
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Old 04-12-2013, 11:43 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Salenku View Post
Could we agree times when I don't contact him as he'll be busy with someone else? Do people do that? Would it even help?

If you read this far, thank you, I know I've gone on a bit of a ramble... I'm just at a total loss.

S. xxx
Or, could you agree that what's good for the goose is good for the gander? Live your life. Don't get stuck in the rut of waiting around for some online guy who has multiple partners. I'm not saying leave/etc, I'm just saying there isn't anything wrong with filling your time so that watching his IM status isn't the be all and end all of your day (or night). Hobbies. Friends. Meet new people.
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Old 04-12-2013, 11:47 PM   #3
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He has now agreed that I can play with other people. I hope this will help.

I think you have a point about my keeping myself busier, though. Thanks, Cutiemouse.
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Old 04-12-2013, 11:55 PM   #4
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Hi...I just got home from work and I'll really tired but I wanted to give you some short answers to your questions.

First off I think I know how you feel but there are some things to keep in mind. Often what we think is occurring is not really what is happening. Just because you see him as available on Facebook, or messenger does not mean he really is on-line. He might be asleep. Or talking to a friend on the phone or a family member. Or maybe he just needed to spend some mindless time on-line to relax. We all need some time to ourselves. If you dominant has a few girls than his alone time may be very limited. Juggling more than one relationship can get complicated.

So don't assume he is chatting with one of his other girls when he isn't talking to you. He could be doing anything.

I would definitely recommend date nights. Whether they are the same day each week or changes based on schedules having a time to look forward to where you know that you are getting 100% of his attention can make it much easy to get through the times when you miss him or he is inattentive for what ever reason.

I would also recommend expanding your interests. Find things other than your dominant that interest you. Take a yoga class, or go out to dinner with friends, or exercise. It is possible to be a very good submissive and not be obsessed with pleasing your dominant every second of your life. Having other fun interests will make the times you can't be with him more enjoyable.

What you are going through is normal. But try to get control of it. You will drive yourself crazy if you don't, plus probably drive him crazy too
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Old 04-12-2013, 11:56 PM   #5
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That was quick.

In any case, you teach people how to treat you. Teach him how you need to be treated. You don't sound like a doormat. Don't be one.
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Old 04-13-2013, 01:38 AM   #6
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Another thing to keep in mind is that not everyone is cut out for poly, and it's okay if you are the type who needs to be the only one. Maybe, you need to take a look inside yourself and figure out what you need from a relationship. If what you need is exclusivity, that's nothing to be ashamed of. It just means that the two of you aren't a good fit.

Just something to think about.
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Old 04-13-2013, 02:54 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by graceanne View Post
Another thing to keep in mind is that not everyone is cut out for poly, and it's okay if you are the type who needs to be the only one. Maybe, you need to take a look inside yourself and figure out what you need from a relationship. If what you need is exclusivity, that's nothing to be ashamed of. It just means that the two of you aren't a good fit.

Just something to think about.
I was about to say almost this exactly.

It seems in the kink/ D/s world, monogamy is kind of put down. I've seen it in discussions, especially on Fet and it bothers me.
Personally, I NEED monogamy, in relationships. Doesn't mean I don't have kinks or fetishes. I simply would not be happy in a poly or open relationship. It's perfectly ok of you feel this way too. There are Dominant men out there who also want a monogamous relationship.
I also need trust in a relationship. Seems you don't trust this man. I've been down the road with an unfaithful, pathological liar of a man and it really turns you into an insecure monster. I look back at myself then and hate what he turned me into. It feels so good not to question a partner.

I don't think you being able to see others is going to make you feel better. Finding someone who wants all of you is the key to feeling wanted.
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Old 04-13-2013, 03:55 AM   #8
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Or maybe her dude just sucks at balancing relationships, life, work, free time, etc.
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:38 AM   #9
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Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply to this, your thoughts have really helped me this morning, given me lots to think about.

It's the first time I've ever needed to ask for advice here, and I'm really pleasantly surprised that so many people responded. Thank you.

I'll do some thinking and get back to you. *hugs*
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:39 AM   #10
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Maybe it is time for you to find a new master that will meet your needs emotionally as well a physically
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:54 AM   #11
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Quote:
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Maybe it is time for you to find a new master that will meet your needs emotionally as well a physically
It's time for you to masturbate, so you stop bothering people here.
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:58 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BiBunny View Post
Or maybe her dude just sucks at balancing relationships, life, work, free time, etc.
Asking a guy to write an email each day.

Seriously?
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Old 04-13-2013, 05:41 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Primalex View Post
Asking a guy to write an email each day.

Seriously?
Haha, yeah, it'd drive me insane, too. Need. Lots. Of. Space.

People often want to blame the poly aspect, though, so I thought I'd (attempt to) point out that maybe the problem's not so much the poly as it is the folks trying to do it. It's quite possible to be mentally ok with it and still suck at the execution.
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Old 04-13-2013, 06:11 AM   #14
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Red face

Quote:
Originally Posted by BiBunny View Post
Haha, yeah, it'd drive me insane, too. Need. Lots. Of. Space.

People often want to blame the poly aspect, though, so I thought I'd (attempt to) point out that maybe the problem's not so much the poly as it is the folks trying to do it. It's quite possible to be mentally ok with it and still suck at the execution.
This makes sense, however, I feel a lot of women (and yes some men) agree to poly only to please their partners. Especially in D/s relationships, without admitting that it makes them feel awful.

*says the kitten who craves lots of attention*
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Old 04-13-2013, 06:48 AM   #15
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I really don't understand the poly lifestyle. I am in a monogamous relationship with my Dom. I would never be able to share him with another woman.

If I were in your shoes, I would feel the exact same way. Like another poster said, if he's not fulfilling your needs, then it's time to consider moving on. From your post, I'm not sure if there's enough trust between you two to make the poly thing work well.
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Old 04-13-2013, 11:41 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BiBunny View Post
Haha, yeah, it'd drive me insane, too. Need. Lots. Of. Space.

People often want to blame the poly aspect, though, so I thought I'd (attempt to) point out that maybe the problem's not so much the poly as it is the folks trying to do it. It's quite possible to be mentally ok with it and still suck at the execution.
This.
While feelings may not be limited, time is.
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:03 PM   #17
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Haha, yeah, it'd drive me insane, too. Need. Lots. Of. Space.

People often want to blame the poly aspect, though, so I thought I'd (attempt to) point out that maybe the problem's not so much the poly as it is the folks trying to do it. It's quite possible to be mentally ok with it and still suck at the execution.
This. Ultimately it's what killed it for me in one relationship - what's in front of my face is going to always be in front of my face, crazy shit like my body deciding to fall apart is going to trump my attentive communication style.
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:15 PM   #18
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I would never be able to write an email a day. I would freak out about what to write-- every day.
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Old 04-13-2013, 04:46 PM   #19
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One other note - if by "I know he's online" you mean that Lit shows him online, sometimes Lit doesn't refresh a person's online status right away. I'm not sure how it works exactly, but it does take some time after you go offline for Lit to indicate that you're not on anymore.

Of course, if you're sitting there for an hour and he seems to be ignoring you, then that's different.

I'm guessing she doesn't really need an essay email from him every day - just a little note to let her know he's thinking about her. I don't think that's really a big deal. If you're in a relationship and not able to see your partner for a few days, you wouldn't generally think twice about sending him/her a text or whatever just to say hi and ask how things are going.
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Old 04-13-2013, 05:10 PM   #20
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One other note - if by "I know he's online" you mean that Lit shows him online, sometimes Lit doesn't refresh a person's online status right away. I'm not sure how it works exactly, but it does take some time after you go offline for Lit to indicate that you're not on anymore.

Of course, if you're sitting there for an hour and he seems to be ignoring you, then that's different.

I'm guessing she doesn't really need an essay email from him every day - just a little note to let her know he's thinking about her. I don't think that's really a big deal. If you're in a relationship and not able to see your partner for a few days, you wouldn't generally think twice about sending him/her a text or whatever just to say hi and ask how things are going.
No... I would. i totally suck at 'not thinking twice' about those things. Some people can, some can't. I'm just saying.
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Old 04-13-2013, 07:18 PM   #21
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Hi, thanks again for replying, especially ecstatic sub and LoversKitten.

To clarify, I had never asked for a daily email, but it was offered and promised, so i hoped it would happen. No, I wasn't expecting an essay at all. I do know that neither IM or lit update immediately, but I tend to check IM to see if he's likely to be awake before texting him to ask if I can call, as I don't want to wake him up. I wasn't staring at it, but he was online for the 45 mins I kept an eye on it while I was getting ready for work.

Yes, I do need to do more with my time, you're all right about that! Not during usual social hours, as my life is pretty bloody busy, but during the night when I don't sleep, which is often. This is why I asked to be allowed to chat with other people if he is busy, to which he has agreed, and talking to someone else last night really did make me feel better.

I agree that I have no idea how to handle a poly situation, either, and I'm hoping to learn. Im in no position to make any kind of mono demands, as I'm in another relationship myself. This issue appears to be unique to me as his other girls don't seem to have any problems, and I do wonder if it is a coincidence that my crazy feelings began when I started a hormonal contraceptive (at Sir's request), which I will not take from tomorrow.

I'm not a tearful emotional sort usually, I'm pretty strong. No, I'm not a doormat, and he would never that me as such, he's one of the most honourable people I've had the privelige of meeting.

Each and every post gave me something to think about, and really helped me figure this all out. I'd like to thank you all sincerely for your comments. I'm feeling more positive now, and I hope that in the coming weeks things will improve. If they don't, I will reassess the situation, but hopefully from a more rational viewpoint.

Once again, thanks,

S. xxx

Last edited by Salenku : 04-13-2013 at 07:21 PM.
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Old 04-13-2013, 10:20 PM   #22
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You are very welcome. Thanks for coming back to the thread and updating us.

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Old 04-13-2013, 11:33 PM   #23
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With regard to the specific time problem, We have agreed that I will not contact him unless he has sent me a message first, and then we can schedule time when we can talk.
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Old 04-14-2013, 01:06 AM   #24
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With regard to the specific time problem, We have agreed that I will not contact him unless he has sent me a message first, and then we can schedule time when we can talk.
You will have to school yourself to the fact that it won't happen as often as you want.
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Old 04-14-2013, 01:49 AM   #25
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Hey Babe, sorry I'm abit late to respond.
Hope everything is sorted out now?
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