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Old 06-29-2015, 08:02 PM   #1
AlwaysHungry
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Would anyone care to assist me with this naughty poem?

I am still trying to get my sea legs with respect to free verse. In this poem, I attempt to mix rhymed and metered verse with the free verse, to obtain a particular effect. I think this needs a fair amount of tweaking, so please hold forth:

To My Carnal Darling

In verse
In pixels
In the buttery wet flesh
In wantonness, you found the pathway home
To the warmest, darkest chambers of my heart

I have known you through the prism of my senses,
O companion on the skyways of the mind
where common thoughts and feelings may not tread.
In text I found your spirit, and it led me straight to where
that steaming, piquant part of you
tastes sweeter than a metaphor

I stand in awe, I stand erect
before your luscious intellect,
your words resound prodigiously
and light the fuse inside of me,
enlightened tongue and learned lips,
the hot persuasion of your hips
that make me frantic, make me frantic, make me

Long before we met, you knew
a love song is the only verse I'll write
and so
for love
you came
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Old 06-29-2015, 10:21 PM   #2
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Metre and I have never been friends, it hurts my brain
as I keep saying large simple men like myself shouldn't be attempting to write poetry and yet here I am still.

I can suggest a few places that I would cut out words, but I'm not sure if that interrupts the flow and or metred section you are trying to incorporate. as to the poem I don't mind it, most of your work is good enough to read, I just haven't the time to comment as much as I would like to, and as much as I should
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Old 06-29-2015, 11:11 PM   #3
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I'm not so keen on all the 'Ins' at the beginning but it's your poem and they may be what you want there.

In verse, pixels,
the buttery wet flesh
of wantonness, you found the pathway home
to the warm, dark chambers of my heart.

I've known you through the prism of my senses,
Oh companion on the skyways of my mind
where common thoughts and feelings may not tread.
In text I found your spirit, it led me straight to where
that steaming, piquant part of you
tastes sweeter than a metaphor.

I stand in awe, erect
before your luscious intellect,
your words resound prodigiously
light the fuse inside of me,
enlightened tongue, learned lips,
the hot persuasion of your hips
they make me frantic,
make me frantic, make me

Long before we met,
you knew
a love song is the only verse I'll write
and so
for love
you came.
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Old 06-30-2015, 01:22 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysHungry View Post



I stand in awe, I stand erect
before your luscious intellect,
your words resound prodigiously
and light the fuse inside of me,
enlightened tongue and learned lips,
the hot persuasion of your hips
that make me frantic, make me frantic, make me


This strophe is strictly rhymed and metered until it goes off the rails on the final line. That was my intention, although I should put an accent on "learnéd" so that the reader knows that it should be read with two syllables.

Last edited by AlwaysHungry : 06-30-2015 at 02:07 AM.
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Old 06-30-2015, 01:27 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysHungry View Post
This strophe is strictly rhymed and meter until it goes off the rails on the final line. That was my intention, although I should put an accent on "learnéd" so that the reader knows that it should be read with two syllables.
May i ask the specific reason as to why this section needs to be metered? For me it would read better if some parts were cut as there seems o be redundancy for the sake of metre. I also thijk some cuts would help the movement of your ideas. However as i said earlier metre and i arent friends
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Old 06-30-2015, 02:05 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by todski28 View Post
May i ask the specific reason as to why this section needs to be metered? For me it would read better if some parts were cut as there seems o be redundancy for the sake of metre. I also thijk some cuts would help the movement of your ideas. However as i said earlier metre and i arent friends
My intention was to underscore the "frantic" part, by setting up an expectation of a structure there that gets discombobulated. It may be an unsuccessful experiment.
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Old 06-30-2015, 02:08 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysHungry View Post
My intention was to underscore the "frantic" part, by setting up an expectation of a structure there that gets discombobulated. It may be an unsuccessful experiment.
possibly the metre wasn't quite long enough to lull the reader into the rhythm before you jar them out of it?
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Old 06-30-2015, 03:34 AM   #8
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It seems to me looking at it again now that you have two seperate pieces that arent quite linking together properly.
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Old 06-30-2015, 05:27 AM   #9
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I'm doing this with the caveat that I know nothing except what appeals to me and sounds right to me, so grains of salt all around.

Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysHungry View Post
In verse
In pixels
In the buttery wet flesh
In wantonness, you found the pathway home
To the warmest, darkest chambers of my heart
Like UYS, I don't like the repetitive ins. I do like the staccato lines, though.
In verse
pixels
buttery wet flesh
In wantonness
you found the pathway
home
to the warmest, darkest chambers
of my heart

Quote:
I stand in awe, I stand erect
before your luscious intellect,
your words resound prodigiously
and light the fuse inside of me,
enlightened tongue and learned lips,
the hot persuasion of your hips
that make me frantic, make me frantic, make me
I did pick up the meter here, including the two-syllable learned. The language feels a bit heavy to me, but I get what you're trying to do with it. My suggestion:
I stand in awe, I stand erect
before your luscious intellect,
your words resound prodigiously
to light the fuse inside of me,
enlightened tongue and learned lips,
the hot persuasion of your hips
that make me frantic
make me frantic
make me
If you're going to break it apart at the end, I like it best completely broken, diminishing, and trailing off.

That's all I've got at the moment.
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Old 06-30-2015, 06:18 AM   #10
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Work on making sense and have a point. Poems aren't puzzles. They aren't schizophrenic word salad (though its common here).

Once you have a point explore for clever, elegant ways to express it (unknown here).

I stand corrected. See the example above.
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Old 06-30-2015, 06:20 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lyricalli View Post
I'm doing this with the caveat that I know nothing except what appeals to me and sounds right to me, so grains of salt all around.



Like UYS, I don't like the repetitive ins. I do like the staccato lines, though.
In verse
pixels
buttery wet flesh
In wantonness
you found the pathway
home
to the warmest, darkest chambers
of my heart



I did pick up the meter here, including the two-syllable learned. The language feels a bit heavy to me, but I get what you're trying to do with it. My suggestion:
I stand in awe, I stand erect
before your luscious intellect,
your words resound prodigiously
to light the fuse inside of me,
enlightened tongue and learned lips,
the hot persuasion of your hips
that make me frantic
make me frantic
make me
If you're going to break it apart at the end, I like it best completely broken, diminishing, and trailing off.

That's all I've got at the moment.
bravo!
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Old 06-30-2015, 06:33 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lyricalli View Post
I'm doing this with the caveat that I know nothing except what appeals to me and sounds right to me, so grains of salt all around.



Like UYS, I don't like the repetitive ins. I do like the staccato lines, though.
In verse
pixels
buttery wet flesh
In wantonness
you found the pathway
home
to the warmest, darkest chambers
of my heart



I did pick up the meter here, including the two-syllable learned. The language feels a bit heavy to me, but I get what you're trying to do with it. My suggestion:
I stand in awe, I stand erect
before your luscious intellect,
your words resound prodigiously
to light the fuse inside of me,
enlightened tongue and learned lips,
the hot persuasion of your hips
that make me frantic
make me frantic
make me
If you're going to break it apart at the end, I like it best completely broken, diminishing, and trailing off.

That's all I've got at the moment.
I did consider the breaking apart of that last "frantic" line as an option, so if that makes the idea more transparent, I'll incorporate that. I'm not sure about the beginning -- I'm not comfortable with a "stream of consciousness" approach, which is what I get from

In verse
pixels
buttery wet flesh
In wantonness
you found the pathway
home
to the warmest, darkest chambers
of my heart


I'll have to mull that section over and see whether a better approach comes to mind, without the repetitive "ins". I actually find working with rhyme and meter to be easier -- the structure gives me a sense of security. But I'll come back to this tomorrow and re-work it.
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Old 06-30-2015, 07:39 AM   #13
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I'll add to the contradictory opinions my own gut's:

- FWIW, I don't mind the repetitive "in's" at the start because I hear them as in a song when I read them. But I do like some of UYS' suggestion quite a bit...and riffed of it here:


In verse and pixels,
In the buttery wet flesh
of wantonness, you found the path(way) home
to the warm, dark chambers of my heart.

(I must say that 'pathway' brings to mind biochemistry for me... K, I snapped out of it now)

and I do see the difference from the 'warmest, darkest'

- I like Lyrricalli's suggestion for this a lot:

I stand in awe, I stand erect
before your luscious intellect,
your words resound prodigiously
to light the fuse inside of me,
enlightened tongue and learned lips,
the hot persuasion of your hips
that make me frantic
make me frantic
make me

The rhymed and metered stanza most certainly stands out, but I liked that - the different cadence placed a sort of emphasis on it that then was broken by the last three lines, as if the narrator tried for rational thought, succeeded for some time, and was lost again. I may be reading more into it here than is warranted, but that's how it sounds to me...

There. I've added to the cacophony. Now I'm happy and can go back to sleep for a bit. Or can I? ...
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Old 06-30-2015, 09:25 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JAMESBJOHNSON View Post
Work on making sense and have a point. Poems aren't puzzles. They aren't schizophrenic word salad (though its common here).

Once you have a point explore for clever, elegant ways to express it (unknown here).

I stand corrected. See the example above.
I too, believe that poems should have a point, although never a didactic one. The incipient point of this poem, which I hope will emerge with further pruning and refining, is the ironic juxtaposition of a deep intellectual relationship and an unabashedly carnal one. Conventional wisdom might view these as contrasting or even conflicting elements -- I want to bind them together in this poem, make them as inseparable as they are in the real life relationship which inspired it.
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Old 06-30-2015, 09:40 AM   #15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by legerdemer View Post
I'll add to the contradictory opinions my own gut's:

- FWIW, I don't mind the repetitive "in's" at the start because I hear them as in a song when I read them. But I do like some of UYS' suggestion quite a bit...and riffed of it here:


In verse and pixels,
In the buttery wet flesh
of wantonness, you found the path(way) home
to the warm, dark chambers of my heart.

(I must say that 'pathway' brings to mind biochemistry for me... K, I snapped out of it now)

and I do see the difference from the 'warmest, darkest'
I see "verse" and "pixels" as very different avenues of experiencing the lover -- I think they need to be kept separate. On the other hand, "buttery wet flesh of wantonness" -- I'll drink to that.

I find that I prefer "warmest, darkest", both because it sets the lover apart from and above the other possible denizens of the heart, and also because I prefer the rhythm. But I'd like to know why you prefer "warm, dark".
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Old 06-30-2015, 12:27 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysHungry View Post
I did consider the breaking apart of that last "frantic" line as an option, so if that makes the idea more transparent, I'll incorporate that. I'm not sure about the beginning -- I'm not comfortable with a "stream of consciousness" approach, which is what I get from

In verse
pixels
buttery wet flesh
In wantonness
you found the pathway
home
to the warmest, darkest chambers
of my heart


I'll have to mull that section over and see whether a better approach comes to mind, without the repetitive "ins". I actually find working with rhyme and meter to be easier -- the structure gives me a sense of security. But I'll come back to this tomorrow and re-work it.
Take what you like and toss the rest away, of course. My edits and suggestions usually come from the way I read the piece aloud, which may be quite different from your intention and the way you read it. If even just a little of what I've said is seen as potentially useful, I'm pleased.
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Old 06-30-2015, 03:14 PM   #17
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Here's a new version. Still needs some work, I think:

To My Carnal Darling

Lofty in verse
Provocative in pixels
Wanton in the buttery wet flesh
Unerringly you found the pathway home
To the warmest, darkest chambers of my heart

I have known you through the prism of my senses,
O companion on the skyways of the mind
where common thoughts and feelings may not tread.
In text I found your spirit, and it led me straight to where
that steaming, piquant part of you
tastes sweeter than a metaphor

I stand in awe, I stand erect
before your luscious intellect,
your words resound prodigiously
and light the fuse inside of me,
enlightened tongue and learnéd lips,
the hot persuasion of your hips
that make me frantic,
make me frantic,
make me

Long before we met, you knew
a love song is the only verse I'll write
and so
for love
you came
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Old 06-30-2015, 03:46 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysHungry View Post
Here's a new version. Still needs some work, I think:

Lofty in verse
Provocative in pixels
Wanton in the buttery wet flesh
Unerringly you found the pathway home
To the warmest, darkest chambers of my heart
I like what you've done with this first stanza. I like the shape of it, the way it travels, each line a little longer than the next. That is very appealing to me here, as this woman finds her way into those warmest, darkest chambers.

I'm trying to decide if the third line might be better without 'the'. Either way, I like this better than before.
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Old 06-30-2015, 03:51 PM   #19
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Lyricalli, I have done so much translating of classical verse that iambic (or trochaic) meter is almost second nature to me -- hence the "the."

I'm wondering about the final strophe -- is it a little maudlin?

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Old 06-30-2015, 04:20 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysHungry View Post
Lyricalli, I have done so much translating of classical verse that iambic meter is almost second nature to me -- hence the "the."

I'm wondering about the final strophe -- is it a little maudlin?
I hadn't thought of it that way until you asked, but yes, I think it is. It's a little disjointed from the rest of the piece, but sometimes it's hard for me to put my finger on why something's not quite working for me.

I do like that it starts with 'long' following 'make me'. I like the dual meaning it gives to 'long.' I wish I had a more concrete suggestion with what to do with that last bit, but nothing has come to me yet.
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Old 06-30-2015, 05:29 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AlwaysHungry View Post
I too, believe that poems should have a point, although never a didactic one. The incipient point of this poem, which I hope will emerge with further pruning and refining, is the ironic juxtaposition of a deep intellectual relationship and an unabashedly carnal one. Conventional wisdom might view these as contrasting or even conflicting elements -- I want to bind them together in this poem, make them as inseparable as they are in the real life relationship which inspired it.
The point is clear

plato told

him:he couldn’t
believe it(jesus

told him;he
wouldn’t believe
it)lao

tsze
certainly told
him,and general
(yes

mam)
sherman;
and even
(believe it
or

not)you
told him:i told
him;we told him
(he didn’t believe it,no

sir)it took
a nipponized bit of
the old sixth

avenue
el;in the top of his head:to tell

him

e.e.cummings
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Old 06-30-2015, 08:19 PM   #22
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I have added what I hope are refinements [...and subsequently made a few edits. I occurred to me that thoughts and feelings do not tread. Also, I realize that out of force of habit, I'm writing blank verse, not free verse. Is that a problem? The poem has assumed a sort of symmetrical shape, with the reference to home in the first and last stanzas, which are shorter and punchier than numbers 2 and 3.]:

To My Carnal Darling

Lofty in verse
Provocative in pixels
Wanton in the buttery wet flesh
Unerringly you found the pathway home
To the warmest, darkest chambers of my heart

I have known you through the prism of my senses,
O companion on the skyways of the mind
where common thoughts and feelings may not pass.
In a rush of words I found your spirit, and it led me straight to where
that steaming, piquant part of you
tastes sweeter than a metaphor

I stand in awe, I stand erect
before your luscious intellect,
your words resound prodigiously
and light the fuse inside of me,
enlightened tongue and learnéd lips,
the hot persuasion of your hips
that make me frantic,
make me frantic,
make me

Long before we met, you knew
the words to summon me,
to quicken and transfigure me,
a torrid touch to bring me home at last.

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Old 06-30-2015, 09:16 PM   #23
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Blessed are the cracked for it is they that let in the light
They say a smile is a gift which is free to the giver and precious to the recipient.
But giving the finger is free, too, and I find it more personal and sincere.
If at first you don't succeed....skydiving is not for you ....
If you don't pay your exorcist .... do you get repossessed?
I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
....But I, being poor, have only my dreams, I have spread my dreams under your feet,Tread softly because you tread on my dreams.......
Nil Caborundum illigitimi
Sestina slut
Annie submits
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Old 06-30-2015, 09:46 PM   #24
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Qué Qué?
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Old 06-30-2015, 10:38 PM   #25
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JAMESBJOHNSON View Post
[b]The point is clear

e.e.cummings
I must confess that I find e.e.cummings to be several notches too cute for my taste (although it might be fun to invoke is name around this neighborhood.)

Raymond Chandler, on the other hand, is like a god to me -- "She smelled the way the Taj Mahal looks by moonlight" -- now, that is poetic!
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