gay and homophobic

[robertreams]

Well I am going to try one more time to get some feedback on this for a story I am writing. I cannot be the only person who has ever loathed themselves for having gay feelings. Oddly that loathing can be part of the attraction/excitement. To be clear, I do not have those feelings now, but did have many years ago.

I suspect these feelings might be strong in those who are bisexual or bi curious. We have all been called "cocksucker" as a very negative term. Same with "Queer", etc.

So, these feelings that I would love to suck cock or maybe be fucked are at the same time revolting. The feelings of FEAR that one might be gay, yet being drawn to homosexual acts at the same time. I remember that fear being a huge part of the excitement.

One time when I was very young, about 20, I allowed myself to be picked up hitchhiking and driven to the makeout spot at the beach. The fear that the cops or someone else might discover me, added to the fear of what he might do or try to do to me..was so intensly exciting as to be indescrribable. Others please share similar experiences, feelings