Old 03-07-2013, 12:20 AM   #1
bisexualsmoker
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A poem I wrote just now

Hi. I wrote this just now, it's called
"Go barefoot". Any opinions appreciated.
I go barefoot
because it feels sensual,
and more when I'm wearing
jeans
I go barefoot
because It makes me feel as I please
Sumptuous,decadent,
slowly turning,ever more the sleaze
I go barefoot in my skintight
jeans
In lipstick,makeup, 'm a man don't you see?
Some call me a fag,which is
a drag but if you don't like it
then thats just me
I'll be your barefoot slut for sure tonight if you wanna play and humiliate me
Oh barefoot, filthy barefoot
To the bohemian rhapsody?
To bisexuality, bdsm , transgendered whatever you please
Barefoot tonight, dancing in
clubland
the only way to be free
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Old 03-08-2013, 11:15 AM   #2
champagne1982
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Yes, it reads like a "passion poem". Perhaps you should have posted it on that thread since most spur of the moment poetry doesn't stand up well to considered critique or review. Thanks for sharing this even so.
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Old 03-08-2013, 01:42 PM   #3
Neonurotic
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@ bisexsmokes, your poem has potential, I like the barefoot image. It has that lazy, sexy liquid feel to it.


Quote:
Originally Posted by champagne1982 View Post
Yes, it reads like a "passion poem". Perhaps you should have posted it on that thread since most spur of the moment poetry doesn't stand up well to considered critique or review. Thanks for sharing this even so.
The man needs a link, champy pants: all a sudden passion suddenly.
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Old 03-08-2013, 03:18 PM   #4
Angeline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neonurotic View Post
@ bisexsmokes, your poem has potential, I like the barefoot image. It has that lazy, sexy liquid feel to it.




The man needs a link, champy pants: all a sudden passion suddenly.
Agreed. The poem has potential but needs work. Overall the theme is good, and I like how we don't discover the narrator is male until the middle of the poem. That has a bit of shock value and makes the poem more than just a whimsical paean to being barefoot. The first thing I'd do is put a line of space between these two lines.

In lipstick,makeup, 'm a man don't you see?
Some call me a fag,which is


because they seem like a natural break point and the heart of the poem. Good luck with it and welcome to the forum.
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Old 03-08-2013, 07:49 PM   #5
bisexualsmoker
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Thanks

Thanks for you replies. For sure it
needs a lot of work but I think I'd
just like to leave it "spontaneous".
I'll check out this passion poem thread, and I'll do some reading on here too, something I haven't
done in a while.
Thanks again
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Old 03-09-2013, 12:16 AM   #6
twelveoone
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does this thing have a melody?
try line breaks

I go barefoot

because it feels sensual,
and more when I'm wearing
jeans

I go barefoot


use white space, I hear spaces in this, some words seem clustered

To bisexuality, bd and s and m ,
transgendered
whatever you please
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