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Old 12-27-2015, 11:03 AM   #1
BareBackRider2
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Divorce due to lack of sexual compatibility?

Sorry to ask I'm the fetish forum but I trust you guys more than the "kids" in forums like general.

But has anyone ever given up and got divorced for no other reason than sexual incompatibility?

Pm if too personal.

But have you ever got to the point where you're left with the only assumption that the other person just isn't "into you" or is so uptight sexualy that you can't hack it anymore?
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Old 12-27-2015, 11:34 AM   #2
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I thought this way until i just asked that same question to my wife. It was amazing the lines of communications that opened. Key word there is communication! Its easy for someone to say but can be scary (it was for me) but it was like a great weight was lifted.

There is always marriage councilors and church groups. If you are past that point then may be it is the right course of action.

Good luck
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Old 12-27-2015, 11:44 AM   #3
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Thanks mate

I'm already open. She isn't.

The reason for asking is that everything else in the marriage is fine and I've too much to lose that I'm not willing to.

But I did wonder about asking "if I were to ask you NOW if you want to spend the rest of your life with me what would you say?"

To be honest, I fear the answer.
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Old 12-27-2015, 01:05 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by BareBackRider2 View Post
Thanks mate

I'm already open. She isn't.

The reason for asking is that everything else in the marriage is fine and I've too much to lose that I'm not willing to.

But I did wonder about asking "if I were to ask you NOW if you want to spend the rest of your life with me what would you say?"

To be honest, I fear the answer.
One of my ex partners left her husband because he had no interest in sex. She was in her late forties and thought of continuing "without" was too much for her. She then went on the internet and was astonished that some men liked sex. She then had a lot of sex to make up for time lost.
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Old 12-28-2015, 01:09 PM   #5
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One of my ex partners left her husband because he had no interest in sex. She was in her late forties and thought of continuing "without" was too much for her. She then went on the internet and was astonished that some men liked sex. She then had a lot of sex to make up for time lost.
A co-worker is also married to a man with who is not interested in sex and has erectile issues to the point that he needs a shot. He's also obese and she needs to move a lot of belly fat away to get at it. She has talked a lot about leaving him because she can't stand the idea of living the rest of her life without sex.

There are other factors that makes her want to leave him but sex is the major one. She can't leave him for fear of breaking his heart. If he proposed divorce, she would jump on in a heartbeat.

She's 50 and wondering maybe her sex drive might diminish.
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Old 12-28-2015, 02:36 PM   #6
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I'll admit I'm pretty frustrated but I'd never divorce my wife over that.

My frustration is that she had a very promiscuous past (cheated on her first husband) and apparently had a lot of one night stands. When she does get sexual with me, her voice gets throaty and hot and seems to turn into a different person. I want more of that person.

I want some of this sexual energy, but she doesn't seem interested in sex very much. She may think I'm judging her.

Lucky for her, I'm dealing with a bout of ED right now (probably due to work and life stress).

I love her, though, and if limiting sex is what she needs, that's ok. Yes, it's frustrating but I sometimes have to deal with things on my own as I wouldn't cheat on her.
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Old 12-28-2015, 02:49 PM   #7
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I see marriage as an agreement, and if someone isn't living up to his/her end of it, there's a problem. Sex is certainly part of the deal. Barring serious health issues, continuous, deliberate withholding of sexual satisfaction is just as bad, in my opinion, as withholding of emotional satisfaction.

Now it's something I think people should try to work out first. But if there's no resolution, then yeah, life is short. You owe yourself freedom and happiness. Whether that comes via divorce or some kind of open arrangement is up to the couple I suppose.

OP you might want to ask why she isn't "into you." Have you slipped in the emotional satisfaction area? Women don't just want contentedness, they want excitement and adventure. Are you continuing to improve yourself, staying in shape, staying masculine, etc? Lots of factors at play when the magic leaves the bedroom.
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Old 12-28-2015, 03:26 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BareBackRider2 View Post
Sorry to ask I'm the fetish forum but I trust you guys more than the "kids" in forums like general.

But has anyone ever given up and got divorced for no other reason than sexual incompatibility?

Pm if too personal.

But have you ever got to the point where you're left with the only assumption that the other person just isn't "into you" or is so uptight sexualy that you can't hack it anymore?
Don't apologize, this is more than just the "Fetish forum", it's also the place to talk about all things sexual!
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Old 12-29-2015, 01:17 AM   #9
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Not a divorce, but I did break up with a boyfriend of 2 years over 2 issues, one of which was sexual incompatibility. (The other was more like emotional incompatibility, so it was kind of related to sex, but not directly.)
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Old 12-29-2015, 03:54 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BareBackRider2 View Post
Sorry to ask I'm the fetish forum but I trust you guys more than the "kids" in forums like general.

But has anyone ever given up and got divorced for no other reason than sexual incompatibility?

Pm if too personal.

But have you ever got to the point where you're left with the only assumption that the other person just isn't "into you" or is so uptight sexualy that you can't hack it anymore?
I ended a relationship with a long term g/f because of her lack of interest in sex.

There was no hope of the situation improving, which lead to me asking myself if I was prepared to continue to do without.

The answer was 'no', so although I was sad to call it quits, that's what I decided to do
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Old 12-29-2015, 04:00 AM   #11
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Am there now
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Old 12-29-2015, 11:13 AM   #12
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I think this can't be just one reason for leaving partner as their relationship is more stronger than just the need of sex
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Old 12-29-2015, 12:18 PM   #13
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I think this can't be just one reason for leaving partner as their relationship is more stronger than just the need of sex
I agree. I think if the relationship has other things going for them such as compatibility and intimacy, the physical portion won't be such a bit deal.

For my friend, she admits that her marriage is a mistake. She says that she married her stalker. She was also a devout Mormon and the big thing for Mormons is to get married young and have a lot of children. Now that she's left the church, she sees her past life as one big mistake. Her husband hasn't left the church yet so she still needs to deal with that elephant in the room.
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Old 12-29-2015, 01:38 PM   #14
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This is a very tough question to answer. No matter how much I love my wife and I do deeply if the sex is non existent I would ask to be let out of the marriage. I would not want to cheat on her and would end up resenting her over time. I would say the same to her if it was reversed. I would tell her to go and be happy with another. But that is only if we had talked and looked for the answer together. I have been through a divorce and it is the deepest pain I have ever felt. But, I moved on and was lucky to find another woman so much better suited for me and our directions match. I also agree with other comments about therapy. Even though it didnt work for "us", it was a godsend for me and finding my way out of the darkness. Being able to communicate and be honest is a cornerstone of a successful and lasting relationship. Ask your self what you know about your relationship, not just the sex before things changed. Then look for the change and your on the way to solving the problem. If it was always there then you were not honest with yourself and with her about what you needed. If something changed then see if your are able to fix the change. It could be chemical/hormonal it could be stress and life getting in the way it could be a number of things but you can not be afraid to find the answer and own it. You will have to be honest and tell her what your feeling hold nothing back and ask her to be that honest as well. The honesty could kill the relationship but if that were the case it will die anyway. At least the death is quick with the honesty. If something changed and you can agree to fix it you have taken a huge step to not only fixing your relationship but improving it far past where you ever could have gone. Sex is a ridiculously difficult thing to talk about. If you can toss the biggest baddest thing on the table that no one will talk about and get through it to the other side you have the makings of an unbreakable bond. Sex is supposed to be an equal part of a loving relationship. It is where you reaffirm your intimacy and connection on a very basic level.

Sorry for the rant, just my two cents.
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Old 12-30-2015, 12:15 PM   #15
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Being in a sexless marriage was a huge factor in my decision to leave, but not the only reason. Is it just sex or is there no intimacy at all? My husband and I stopped touching; holding hands, kissing, hugging, even sitting together on the couch. It was gradual and I told him constantly I wasn't happy and needed that stuff. At some point, you have to decide if you can live without those things or not. I couldn't.
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Old 12-30-2015, 02:26 PM   #16
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You have to be happy. At least make every attempt. Kids, houses, finances all that can play a role and sometimes we wind up more like roommates than partners. It happens. Is it worth being miserable? No one can answer that for ya. A sexless marriage usually results in one or both of you starting to resent the other one. Then the train wreck is gonna happen. Only a matter of time.

My ex worked more hours than he was home. I'm including sleep time also honestly. It was his passion. I was when we got married but his career became the single most important thing in his life. My mc club is my obsession but there are limits. Long story short he neglected me and I went back to a lover that I have known for years. We did not hide it and when hubs found out he ended it. I lost her also because the drama got out of hand. My biggest regret? I wish I had been honest with him from the start (when I first felt neglected) and gave him the chance to fix it. If I had it to do over again I'd rather have left him and not cheated cause that was just wrong.

Soooo I truly hope you find what does it for you one way or the other. I also hope you make the best choices for both of you. It isn't easy nor is it solved overnight.
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Old 12-31-2015, 06:29 AM   #17
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We have known people that were sexually incompatible that divorced but often we have found that is symptomatic of other, deeper underlying problems. We also know of people who are sexually incompatible but have focused on the more positive aspects of their lives and common interests and have successful marriages. Still others it may stem from health related conditions. On that last point my husband and I have no respect for someone who would walk out on a spouse or significant other due to a health condition when they can no longer perform sexually.
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Old 12-31-2015, 06:46 AM   #18
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We have known people that were sexually incompatible that divorced but often we have found that is symptomatic of other, deeper underlying problems. We also know of people who are sexually incompatible but have focused on the more positive aspects of their lives and common interests and have successful marriages. Still others it may stem from health related conditions. On that last point my husband and I have no respect for someone who would walk out on a spouse or significant other due to a health condition when they can no longer perform sexually.
I totally agree.

Health reasons are a separate issue, but if you are told by your partner that they hate sex in all forms it is a deal breaker. Sex is not just an act, it is part of the intimacy that holds two people together. It is a healthy expression of love and wanting to give the other pleasure because you want that for them...
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Old 12-31-2015, 07:12 AM   #19
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Thank you. We're ok ;)

Thank you all for posting and for the PM's.

Really helps.

We're solid enough and if I'm honest she has put more effort in. It used to be she'd even pull away from a kiss. Much has changed over the years and I have to remind myself that

As I've also said, this is the ONLY thing that's been an issue. There are FAR worse marriages out there.

If it helps others though, feel free to keep using this thread to discuss the topic.

I also think it's important for those of us engaged in forums like this and who are into porn, to realize that some of our expectations for sex may be a little .....warped

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Old 12-31-2015, 09:20 AM   #20
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I have known couples who seemingly broke up over sexual incompatibility. I say seemingly because I think it had never been truly one thing - obviously relationships are complex. I know one man who told me their sex life was non-existent and she didn't want to talk about it - that is at least two issues in my books.

As others have said, sex and intimacy IS part of marriage. We all have ups and downs of course but failing to interact sexually (assuming one is able) is among the most egregious violations of the marriage commitment.

I think it is also important is understand that we all have unique priorities. For some people lack of sex is a deal breaker for others it isn't. Neither is inherently right or wrong. If this is very important to you and you refuse to live the rest of your life with little or no sex that doesn't make you a bad person anymore so than any other reason of incompatibility.

Our tendency to moralize sometimes sets up sex as this separate bad thing and anyone who is motivated by it is dirty and wrong, but that is a very immature attitude. Be realistic of course. The fact that your spouse doesn't want to indulge your every fetish is a pretty shallow reason to break-up. But by the same token it is not acceptable to shut off the tap and simply dismiss male desires as impure.

I have to say there does seem to be a certain amount of sexism in society's attitude on this topic. If a woman is sexually unsatisfied her husband is viewed as being inadequate. But if a man is sexually unsatisfied he is deemed too horny or a pig. That is a gross generalization of course. But let me put it another way. Of the women I have known whose husbands have cheated or left them, I am usually greeted with hostility if I ask them what their sex lives were like. The default assumption in each case was that sex was not a legitimate excuse because it is not an obligation for a modern woman. I disagree - in a marriage it is part of the commitment.
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Old 12-31-2015, 11:18 AM   #21
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To have a successful marriage, both partners should try to meet each other needs. There's other ways to get sexual gratification than intercourse.

My wife has a low sex drive but knows how important it is to me. She read in a book that the ROI for fulfilling somebody's sexually needs is incredibly high. A 10 minute investment makes the guy feel incredibly great. So she gives me handjobs or assists me while I masturbate and on occasion have intercourse. It's not the best solution but I've learned to appreciate it.
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Old 12-31-2015, 04:14 PM   #22
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But if a man is sexually unsatisfied he is deemed too horny or a pig.
Or she's called frigid.
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Old 01-03-2016, 10:28 AM   #23
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Or she's called frigid.
True enough. But that perspective is likely to come from a man and be completely dismissed by other women. The woman who finds herself on the sharp end of such an unkind barb will find succour and comfort with other women and perhaps even use it to justify her own lack of attention to her man (perhaps rightfully so).

Conversely a man who is viewed as not adequate to satisfy his wife's sexual needs will be openly disparaged by other men and thought less of by other women. We may not say so in the same cruel way that men do but if he should find himself single he'll likely find he is not an eligible partner for any woman who wants a good sexual experience.

I am not suggesting for a moment that men have a tougher time when it comes to gender relations. That just isn't true. But on the narrow and specific matter of being judged negatively for lack of "performance" while both genders can be judged negatively men do get the worst of it I think.
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