Is Pleasure Really What It's All About?

Or is something else at work here. Is the pursuit of physical pleasure the end-all, be-all of BDSM? Or are there always other, deep-seated psychological dynamics at work?

And how vital is pleasure? Can a human being live a wholly integrated, full life without sexual pleasure? Or is it so basic that one cannot live fully without it?

Is pain necessary for some people to experience before pleasure kicks in? For some people, is pain more important than pleasure?

I realize I've asked more than one question here......

For me the answer is......

Azalea said:

Or is something else at work here. Is the pursuit of physical pleasure the end-all, be-all of BDSM? Or are there always other, deep-seated psychological dynamics at work?

And how vital is pleasure? Can a human being live a wholly integrated, full life without sexual pleasure? Or is it so basic that one cannot live fully without it?

Is pain necessary for some people to experience before pleasure kicks in? For some people, is pain more important than pleasure?

I realize I've asked more than one question here......

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Of course the pleasure deriving from the sexual nature of our relationship is important ur it woukdnt be as delicious without the psychological aspect!!

Azalea said:

Or is something else at work here. Is the pursuit of physical pleasure the end-all, be-all of BDSM?

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Not for me. It's more an emotional/intellectual connection. Yes, I love the physical pleasure, but the mentor/mentored relationship, as well as the service relationship equals (and occasionally superceeds) the physical.

Or are there always other, deep-seated psychological dynamics at work?

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See answer above.

And how vital is pleasure? Can a human being live a wholly integrated, full life without sexual pleasure? Or is it so basic that one cannot live fully without it?

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Personal opinion - physical/sexual pleasure is as vital for adults as touch is for newborns. Most people would be living a less than fulfilling life, without physical/sexual pleasure...

Is pain necessary for some people to experience before pleasure kicks in? For some people, is pain more important than pleasure?

I realize I've asked more than one question here......

Click to expand...

For some, the two are inextricably linked; for others, they have nothing to do with one another. And there are probably a lot of people in-between.

If it's just about sex, then, good Lord, that's a whole lot of work just to get your rocks off.

Depends on who I am doing it with. Intellectual satisfaction is an enormous and physical-seeming pleasure for me anyways.

Yes, there are deep-seated psych things that get involved when I experience pain, or give it-- but nothing like trauma or childhood abuse, rather-- it's simply the way I have always, always fantasised sexually since I was very young. In a way, BDSM for me -- topping or bottoming, either way-- is a return to a childhood state.

There is something fabulously self-indulgent about doing "all that work" in order to get off. Rope is foreplay.

"Yes, there are deep-seated psych things that get involved when I experience pain, or give it-- but nothing like trauma or childhood abuse, rather-- it's simply the way I have always, always fantasised sexually since I was very young. In a way, BDSM for me -- topping or bottoming, either way-- is a return to a childhood state. "

When I was a child of 6-7, I used to draw pictures of people chained to walls being whipped by other people. When I saw how upset this made the adults, I quit, but my inner fantasy life has always had a component of sexual slavery and a bit of torture.

Can you imagine the agony of hiding my dark inner sexual kink throughout my childhood and adolescence? Heck, the agony of hiding it as an adult is bad enough.

My husband is convinced I was abused as a very young child and deeply repressed the memories. Who knows? I don't really want to find out.

But yes, the coupling of pain and pleasure has always been an integral part of my inner fantasy life. When my husband and I make love, I can only come by fantasizing that I am a slave servicing more than one master. If he knew this, God only knows what that would do to our marriage.

SO you see, Stella, I am a psychological "cheater."

the simple answer to your question is no. and though i do not exactly live a BDSM lifestyle, i can tell you that in my life as a slave, the "pursuit of pleasure" was never a focus or concern, whether you are referring to physical pleasure or emotional (i.e. happiness). it is simply about having the freedom and space to live a life where i can be accepted/understood/valued as i am, and serve someone the way i was so obviously wired to do so.

Physical, orgasmic pleasure is rarely the goal for me with BDSM. I need the catharsis, the act and knowledge of hitting a physical wall that someone has offered me and working my way through it. Pain transcends pleasure in a way that's really hard to explain. I can orgasm from a splendid whipping, but it's not the same buttons being pushed at all. Throw in the delicious sense of being controlled and propelled to oblivion that often goes along with it, and I'm a happy puddle of goo that a mere sex-based orgasm can't hold a candle to.

I skirt around the BDSM community, because this is the place I feel I get the most understanding for my relationship, but somehow I really don't feel like I belong.

I submit to him, because it's what feels natural to me and him. We have the occasional BDSM-y scene every now and again, but mostly our relationship is just about me submitting to his will and him getting his way. Our sexy fun times are in general pretty un-BDSM-y, other than he's the one who decides when those sexy fun times occur.

Instead of whips and chains, which used to bring me pleasure at some point, I now just want to do the cleaning, cooking and just general servicing with the added twist of occasional very, very dark moments. I need to be pushed past my boundaries in a way that makes it impossible for me to return to normalcy for a while. And when I bounce back, I'm leveled again and the preceding itchiness is gone.

He likes to screw with my mind; just see me unravel and become slightly disoriented. Sometimes he likes to beat me more than I think I can take. But mostly we just play mindgames and there's more intellectual pleasure in our interaction than there is physical or sexual pleasure.

Which is not to say there's no physical or sexual pleasure in our relationship. That part of our relationship just doesn't really relate to BDSM or why I submit to him. The D/s thing just feels natural. It is because it is.

I don't even know what I'm rambling anymore. Time for allergy medicine, I suppose.

I am too cranky, unproductive and miserable when I am not sexually fulfilled. I was married to a man that had no clue around a woman's body and being young and naive I wasn't much help. But, I have learned so much about what I find pleasurable and I know that I can't give that up. I am more confident and sane when I have had that sexual release. I would say for myself that pleasure is vital.

For me, that release can come from plain vanilla sex or sometimes from pain. Sometimes I have to feel pain in order to push me over that edge. At this point, I don't think pain is more important than pleasure. But, as I continue to figure out who I am sexually that could change. Right now the pain is about letting go of the control and letting someone else be in charge so I don't have to think about their pleasure or my pleasure. It just happens.

Could there be some deep rooted psychological aspects to it? I am not certain, I have always had dreams since I was a little girl of being tied up and raped. To my knowledge this has never happened to me and it isn't something I have repressed, but being tied up and forced to sexually submit excites me.

Well, I'd argue that physical pleasure isn't actually the goal in any kind of sex. Sure, it's a great thing to have, and quite important to the overall process, but it's often not the sole objective; people have sex to feel close to another person, for love, to get pregnant etc. It can be solely for pleasure, but it doesn't have to be.

It's the same with kinky sex. Sure the orgasms are good, and I like both giving and receiving them, but I don't exactly enter the room and say to myself "alright, it's time to cum!" No, to me bdsm works because it's got a greater depth of sensation and eroticism than vanilla, and I have eclectic tastes. It's more than just the binary Dom/sub state, too; there's just shitloads of ways to enjoy the kink, whether it's pleasure or pain or whatever.

To be honest, I've sort of been into stuff like that since childhood, and I've experienced a lot of doubt and pain over why I like what I like, but I've come to accept it after finding some others to share it with. Yeah, it's probably got at least a bit of a psychological component, but I'm wired the way I'm wired. So long as I don't hurt anyone in ways they don't want to be hurt, I owe it to myself to at least try and not feel guilty about it.

Each person gets a gumball of some sort for every action he or she takes, or doesn't. The gumballs vary, and so do each person's coins.

But there are a LOT of gumballs involved in sex.

Pleasure is good. It's a great start, but I've found that if I don't feel like I'm pleasing and fitting well with another person with whom I have mutual respect, I began to feel like a leech. I need to feel I'm giving everything I can to the other person and vice versa to be really satisfied.

FF

For me, it truly isn't about my orgasmic pleasure at all. What I NEED from Him is His emotional and physical satisfaction. Knowing that I've brought Him pleasure in whatever form that takes.

If that means remembering His favourite type of teabag and always having fresh ones in the house, that gives me a good feeling.
If that means taking a thorough caning, so be it.
If that means being tied down helplessly while He licks over and over again until I'm wordless, goody for me.
If that means not arguing with Him over who pays the dinner bill, ok.

But it is about pleasure; it's about His pleasure. I feel very lost without it.

I get a hella lot of pleasure out of giving pleasure. Oh definitely.

And it took me a long time to figure out that a lot of people feel that way-- and by not letting a partner concentrate on my pleasure, I was in fact being a little bit selfish.

So, I stopped the sidestepping, the poker-face, the gentle "let me do you, baby." I started moaning "oh yes" and "here, do this," and started getting my sexual needs met-- which got my partners' topping needs, that I had been not addressing, met.

If that makes sense...

Define pleasure? Are we talking about physical feel-good tinglies and heavy breathing, or also pleasure in all its myriad intellectual and emotional forms too?

Because the latter makes up at least 75% of what I consider to be great sex.

Define pleasure. Seriously. There's an individualized component to pleasure so to answer your question in a universal way is impossible.

midwestyankee said:

Define pleasure. Seriously. There's an individualized component to pleasure so to answer your question in a universal way is impossible.

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Wow......I guess I meant physical nerve-ending sensation.....leading to orgasmic release.
Ya'll have my mind bent, now.......

"pleasure in all its myriad intellectual and emotional forms too"

I've never had to think so deeply about sex before.....ya'll have me thinking vanilla folks are stuck in this small space when there's a whole universe of possibilities yet to explore.

Totally off the topic, it's my wedding anniversary today, so happy anniversary to me! (not saying how many years, but let's say decades)

Azalea said:

Wow......I guess I meant physical nerve-ending sensation.....leading to orgasmic release.

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that its a very, very narrow definition of pleasure...which for some is not actually pleasurable (hope that's not too mind-bending).

happy anniversary.

ownedsubgal said:

that its a very, very narrow definition of pleasure...which for some is not actually pleasurable (hope that's not too mind-bending).

happy anniversary.

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Thank you......and yes, it's mind-bending, but I enjoy having my mind bent a little.
SO.........for some folks, orgasm is not actually pleasurable.
****sound of mental gears churning****

I've never had to think so deeply about sex before.....ya'll have me thinking vanilla folks are stuck in this small space when there's a whole universe of possibilities yet to explore.

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See why we call it "vanilla?"

Happy anniversary!

Azalea said:

Thank you......and yes, it's mind-bending, but I enjoy having my mind bent a little.
SO.........for some folks, orgasm is not actually pleasurable.
****sound of mental gears churning****

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yes, just as some people respond to being tickled by kicking the tickler in the face instead of cute giggles and sighs.

Stella_Omega said:

See why we call it "vanilla?"

Happy anniversary!

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Thanks!

Happy Anniversary!!!