Old 10-12-2012, 03:54 PM   #1
gentleiamnot is offline
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1
My first erotica venture

Okay I would like to hear honest criticism from my peers here at Literotica. This is a chapter from my first attempt at erotica. I also wanted to create a good story. Hopefully, there's something for everyone. Thank you!

Bailey was gearing up for a very important pitch to The Frisk Group. She had decided to splurge a little and buy a new suit for the occasion. If you feel like you look great, you’ll perform even better. Getting The Frisk Group account would be a huge feather in Bailey’s professional cap. The pitch alone had the partners at Saw and Drew paying special attention to her. Things were going her way at work.
Destination for the suit—Bergdorf Goodman—Bailey’s favorite store. Bailey remembered getting her hands on a catalogue from the store when she was only eight years old. She was friends with a rich girl whose mother always displayed the latest catalogue on a table in the living room . Bailey would sneak a peek every time she visited. She distinctly remembered the glossy pages, the beautiful models in their stylish clothes, the smell of success. She decided then, that she would move away from Richmond, Virginia and seek her fortune in New York City. She promised herself that when she “made it” she would buy her first special outfit at Bergdorf’s.
Today was that day. Every time Bailey went to Bergdorf Goodman, she first stood outside and admired the name of the store carved into the granite. She touched the letters and smiled, as people pushed by her so they could get to the revolving door to enter the store. I made a dream come true. Wow!! She usually could only afford to window shop. Bailey had dipped into her rainy day fund to invest in her first designer suit—a black Dolce and Gabanna pantsuit with a plain white button down. The devil was always in the details. The suit fit like a glove with the pant legs flaring out, giving it just a touch of hipness. She loved the lining of the suit—Dolce and Gabanna’s signature silk leopard print. Classy with a little pizzazz.
Bailey was humming to herself, as she rode the escalator up to the third floor. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She had just added honey colored highlights to her short hair. She absentmindedly pulled at the front of her hair spiking it up, like Halle Berry’s pixie cut. Bailey was in a bit of a hurry. She wanted to go home and change before meeting her girls at the movies.
She got off the escalator and found Gary, her overly effusive salesperson. He was whisking around the department—talking, walking, gesturing—all in one fell swoop. He was exhausting to watch, but he was fun.
“Hey Bailey, girl!” I’ve got your suit. It looks fabulous. I want you to try it on one last time, just to make sure it’s exactly the way you want it. Give me just a second,” he said as he bussed her cheeks.
At five o’clock p.m. the store was overflowing with ladies. There was a shoe sale going on. And a Bergdorf shoe sale was like no other.
Bailey was grateful she was not on the same floor as the shoe department. She busied herself by looking through the racks of beautiful clothes, forgetting about the time constraints she was under. She picked up a plum colored leather jacket and tried on the size eight. Too snug. She tried the ten. Perfect. A match made in heaven. Bailey pranced around loving herself just a little too much.
Gary returned.
“Girl, you need that Celine jacket.”
Bailey shrugged. “I’ll just have to wear it in my dreams.”
“You’re so crazy. Don’t move. I’m coming right back.”
Bailey kept admiring herself.
“I’d love to buy you that jacket. It’s got your name written all over it.”
Bailey turned around. Her face lit up. It was David Edgars. All 6’0”, silky dark skin, muscular body, gorgeous smile, David Edgars. She felt her sexual radar spike. She hadn’t seen him for almost a month.
Gary decided to bring her suit just at that moment.
“Bailey, here you are. Sorry it took me a bit. Go try this on and come show me how it fits. Well hello Mr. Edgars. I’ll go get Jennifer’s things for you.”
David nodded.
Bailey paused for a moment before heading into the dressing room. Should figure a man like this would be taken. Lucky Jennifer. Oh well.
“You know, I’ve been sitting by the phone, waiting for you to call me. And I haven’t seen you at the café. You’ve left me and Haseem heartbroken.”
David clutched his heart like he was trying to stave off a heart attack.
“Oh, well, I’ve… just… have been so busy.” Bailey said holding her suit close to her chest. “I better go try this on.”
“Please. By all means.” David gestured toward the dressing rooms.
Bailey quickly turned around, glad to escape the hot man in front of her. He had someone named Jennifer. Fuck him. Bailey was glad she had lost his card.
She started to try on her suit, when she heard a noise outside of the dressing room. She felt his presence and smelled his delicious cologne. David opened the door to her dressing room and paused. Bailey was standing there in a sexy black and red lacy bustier with black stockings clipped to her garter. She was still wearing her four inch heels. David Edgars put his dark hand on her skin and sighed with desire. He moved closer and kissed her neck, one of Bailey’s erogenous zones. How did he know? Bailey forgot she was annoyed he already had a woman. Right now, she didn’t care.
David moved around her body like he’d explored it for years. His smooth lips tasted her neck, kissing gently. She breathed in his ear, “Bite me”. When he opened his mouth and put his teeth on her neck, David had to cover her mouth to stop her from screaming in ecstasy. He pulled back, and the desire in both of their eyes turned to urgency. David kissed Bailey’s lips again. He flicked his tongue in her mouth cupping her right breast through her lingerie and freeing it from the lace.
David rubbed Bailey’s nipple between his fingers, squeezing it gently. He listened as Bailey moaned louder, pushing her breast closer into his body. David joined in the frenzy, alternating between biting her neck and kissing her lips. They were both panting—out of control. Bailey began to undress him. First the shirt. She let her hands run through his soft hair. Bailey then moved her hand up to cup his gorgeous face. He pulled back and looked at her.
“You are so beautiful,” he said breathing heavily.
Bailey ran her hand up the length of him, making him moan. She unzipped his pants and gently took his huge swollen cock out. He was so ready. He repaid her by unhooking her garter and sticking his finger inside her wetness. Bailey gasped and began grinding his finger. He continued to plunge his finger in and out of her wet hole. They kissed wildly. Then David picked her up, his back against the wall, the mirror in front of them. He entered her with one thrust. The two began to ride each other hard. Hands. Hardness. Lips. Wetness. Everything was on fire. David began to thrust harder, grabbing Bailey’s ass and spreading her cheeks apart with his huge hands. She felt the fire building inside of her and she began to let go.
“How’s that suit looking, sweetie? I know you look FA-BU-LOUS!”
Bailey slowly focused her eyes and looked in the full length mirror. She was breathing heavily. Her finger was wet from pleasuring herself.
Oh shit! “I’m coming out in two point two seconds.” That is I was cumming until you INTERRUPTED! “I got caught up answering an email.” Bailey reached in her purse and found a tissue to wipe off her finger.
She put on the suit in a hurry and exited the dressing room looking flushed from her erotic daydream. We were just making passionate love in the dressing room, weren’t we?
David nodded his approval.
Bailey tried to ignore him.
Gary whistled. “Go on girl with yo bad self. Do that walk for me!”
With Gary egging her on and David Edgars watching intently, Bailey did a little runway walk and turn. She admired herself in the mirror and was pleased with the alterations.
“Looks great, Gary.”
Bailey looked at her watch.
“Oh shit. I’m late.”
“Go put your clothes back on. I’ll bag this up for you.”
David just smiled. He had what must have been Jennifer’s clothes in his hands. Bailey looked straight in his eyes, no emotion on her face. She turned away, and calmly walked back into the dressing room. She stared at herself in the mirror. Her cheeks were warm and flushed. She sat down for a second to gather herself. She touched her nipples. They were sore from her pulling on them. She got up, took the suit off and handed it to Gary, covering her nakedness with the dressing room curtain. Bailey quickly got dressed.
She grabbed the hanging bag from Gary, hugged him and turned to leave.
David Edgars held out his hand. “Here’s my card again. It has my private business line and my cell. You can get me anywhere, anytime. What are the odds we’d bump into each other again? It’s been a month since I’ve been waiting for you to call. I would love to take you to dinner this week.”
“Dinner? Well you’ll be a busy boy, juggling me and Jennifer,” Bailey said matter-of-factly without looking at him.
David laughed. As Bailey walked by, he stepped in front of her, as if blocking her from leaving. Bailey frowned and looked up at him. She stepped back and walked around him. What the fuck was that?
David watched Bailey walk away. Dammit. I want that woman. What do I need to do? “Gary, hey listen here man, I need you to do me a solid.”
“Of course, Mr. Edgars. Anything.”
“I want to send that lady some flowers. I need you to give me her work address. And give me that purple leather jacket she tried on. Wrap it up pretty for me. I’ll deliver that in person.” “Of course, Mr. Edgars. It’ll be our little secret,” Gary said a bit nervously. “No really sir. It has to be our secret.” David Edgars was used to getting what he wanted. He didn’t give a damn if Gary was breaking store policy to give him Bailey’s information. He wanted what he wanted and he wanted it now. Gary knew this.

“Man, who the hell do you think I want to tell about this? Just get me the information and ring up the damned jacket,” David said tersely.
“Yes sir.” Gary hated waiting on David Edgars. He was rarely pleasant with him. Mr. Edgars was all peaches and cream in front of Bailey today. Better watch yourself girl.
Gary returned a few minutes later with the information David wanted and the purple Celine leather jacket wrapped up in a big box with a pretty black bow.
“Here you are Mr. Edgars. The two things you requested. I put the purchase on your charge card. As usual, it was so nice to see you.” Gary smiled like he meant every word he said. Motherfucker.
David looked at the information Gary gave him first before taking the box out of his hands. He turned around and walked off without saying thank you.
David walked outside. His driver, Leon, was leaning against the car. He stood up immediately when he saw David and opened the back door. He took the package out of David’s hand and put it in the trunk.
“Mr. Edgars?”
“Take me home, Leon.”
“Right away, sir.”
David had decided he would woo Bailey in stages. First some flowers sent to her office. Then the jacket as a surprise gift. The woman vexed him. She had some kind of power over him. He had been thinking about her so much since they first met. He had waited patiently for her to call. Over the last week, he had considered using his private detective to get her information. Luckily, he wouldn’t have to do that. Seeing her today was worth the wait. He felt himself grow hard at the thought of her. Shit!
David pushed the button to raise the divider between the front and back seats. He pulled out his cell phone looked through his contacts and found the number he was looking for.
“Bonjour, Mr. Edgars…”
David was finally alone. He walked to the panoramic window and opened the curtains. Central Park. He stared outside at the lovely view. Horse-drawn carriages lined the curb in front of the park. He looked further up the park and saw men and women jogging, rollerblading and speed walking. David watched as lovers held hands, while strolling along. A lovers stroll. David couldn’t recall ever strolling hand in hand with some woman in the park. That’s for pussies. Even when he and Kiko were married, he wasn’t romantic like that. He enjoyed giving gifts. He was romantic that way. She knew what to expect from him. He wished he could be a bit different. But he ultimately knew he could never be the kind of man who found a stroll in the park with a lady to be satisfying in any way.
He loved New York City. It was his second home. He hadn’t been to his ranch in Texas for a couple of months. He was busy acquiring companies and building his empire. It was time for him to get away, even if it was for just a short amount of time. He needed to clear his head. He didn’t like it when he felt this edgy. He couldn’t get the release he needed. He was accustomed to getting whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it. Like tonight. It would take a little work to get Bailey in his bed. That was fine with David. He found her intriguing—captivating.. Meantime, he would get to know her. Woo her. Take his time seducing her.
David was naked as he walked into the living room to pour himself a scotch—neat. He found his cell phone sitting on the coffee table. He dialed his assistant.
“Bernice, I’ll need you to arrange for a visit to Texas for me. Call Juan Carlos. Have him get the house ready and take care of all of the other particulars. Let’s see. I’ll leave next week. Not sure of which day just yet. I’ll let you know. Thanks.” David rung off.
He had Leon take a detour and drop him off at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel. He was a regular here. Everything was just the way he wanted it. The suite was exquisite. He had a corner room that really maximized the beauty of his view. The bathroom was his favorite room in the suite. He could soak in the oversized tub and look at Central Park from another angle. He brought many of his assignations here.
David had her draw his bath before she left. He stepped into the water. Perfect temperature. He stayed in the tub soaking and admiring the view for half an hour. He took his time dressing then phoned Leon to meet him around the front. Time to go home.
Bailey didn’t have time to take the subway or walk home. She ran out of Bergdorf Goodman on the fifth avenue side. She had to get a taxi quickly, which wasn’t always easy at 5:30 p.m. during the week. Go to The Plaza Hotel and let the bellman get you a taxi. Much easier. Bailey hustled to the red carpet outside of the hotel, dragging her new suit along with her. She smiled brightly at the bellman.
“Hello. I need to get to Columbus and sixty-fifth.”
“Wait right here, little lady. I’ll get you a taxi.”
“Thank you.”
“What the fuck! We were standing here first. Rude bitch.”
Bailey looked behind her and realized she’d jumped in front of people waiting to get a taxi. Oh well. I’m an aggressive New Yorker. A rude bitch.
“And here you are. A taxi for the lovely lady.”
“Wow. That was fast.”
Bailey gave the bellman ten dollars and smiled brightly at him. She gave him a little extra for having to deal with an angry mob. Bailey threw her hanging bag in the car, juggling her large tote as she pulled her legs in.
“Columbus and sixty-fifth, sir. I’m in a bit of a rush.”
“So is everyone else, lady. That’s why they call it rush hour.”
Bailey shot the driver an annoying look.
The taxi rolled up to Bailey’s apartment building ten minutes later. Bailey decided the taxi driver was not going to get a tip.
“How much?”
“Ten seventy-five.”
Bailey gave the driver eleven bucks.
“Keep the change,” she said sarcastically.
Bailey dug herself out of the taxi and walked to the front door. She put the hanging bag under her chin, while she balanced her tote on her knees looking for the keys. Ugh. Just then one of her neighbors opened the door from the inside.
“Thank you so much.”
“Sure. You looked like you had your hands full.”
“Yeah. Thanks again.”
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Old 10-13-2012, 12:33 AM   #2
Mallory Heart Surgeon.
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Bramblethorn is offline
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Different readers will have different tastes, but to me it felt very rushed, especially these bits:

Originally Posted by gentleiamnot View Post
Bailey turned around. Her face lit up. It was David Edgars. All 6’0”, silky dark skin, muscular body, gorgeous smile, David Edgars. She felt her sexual radar spike. She hadn’t seen him for almost a month.
...okay, so I get that he's sexy, but I have no idea who he is or how she knows him. Is he an ex? Her dentist? The IRS guy who's auditing her company? For me this is far more important than knowing how tall he is.

Originally Posted by gentleiamnot View Post
David opened the door to her dressing room and paused. Bailey was standing there in a sexy black and red lacy bustier with black stockings clipped to her garter. She was still wearing her four inch heels. David Edgars put his dark hand on her skin and sighed with desire. He moved closer and kissed her neck, one of Bailey’s erogenous zones. How did he know? Bailey forgot she was annoyed he already had a woman. Right now, she didn’t care.

David moved around her body like he’d explored it for years. His smooth lips tasted her neck, kissing gently. She breathed in his ear, “Bite me”. When he opened his mouth and put his teeth on her neck, David had to cover her mouth to stop her from screaming in ecstasy.
Way too fast. A woman does not go from "hey I thought I locked that door" to "screaming in ecstasy" in thirty seconds.
My latest story Riddle of the Copper Coin mixes Arabian Nights adventure with modern-day romance. Fleeing from an unwelcome suitor, and armed only with her wits, Adiba attempts to rescue a princess from the City of Jinn.

My other stories: http://www.literotica.com/stories/me...ge=submissions
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Blog: http://bramblethorn.dreamwidth.org/
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