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smart_and_sexytxgirl

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I'm honestly more and more drawn to the ideas and lifestyle encompassed by BDSM. What I'm wondering is how to get into it more in real life? (safely?) I'm single, and wanting a relationship that is more erotic and includes many of the fantasies from my mind. I haven't a clue how to find someone that I actually want to be with who wants the same things.

Any ideas? Any advice? Any personal experiences you wanna share?
 
smart_and_sexytxgirl said:
I'm honestly more and more drawn to the ideas and lifestyle encompassed by BDSM. What I'm wondering is how to get into it more in real life? (safely?) I'm single, and wanting a relationship that is more erotic and includes many of the fantasies from my mind. I haven't a clue how to find someone that I actually want to be with who wants the same things.

Any ideas? Any advice? Any personal experiences you wanna share?
Click to expand...

It is not easy and there are no quick fixes
 
Check out fetlife.com, which is a facebook for pervs. Do a search in your area for the groups that get together in your area and go to a few "munches" to get the lay of the land so to speak. Don't expect a miracle to happen right away. Just start getting to know the people who are interested, network like crazy, gain lots of new casual friends and stay alert for the people who might be more important than the rest to you.

BDSM, as I always say, is not rocket science--but it does take more effort and more knowledge, more SELF knowledge, than your basic missionary hump. So do your homework and know thyself. It will make things much easier when you go to introduce yourself to someone else. :kiss:
 
smart_and_sexytxgirl said:
I'm honestly more and more drawn to the ideas and lifestyle encompassed by BDSM. What I'm wondering is how to get into it more in real life? (safely?) I'm single, and wanting a relationship that is more erotic and includes many of the fantasies from my mind. I haven't a clue how to find someone that I actually want to be with who wants the same things.

Any ideas? Any advice? Any personal experiences you wanna share?
Click to expand...
You might want to look into Fetlife.com, which is a national board for people involved in and/or wanting to learn more about the fetish culture, largely centered on BDSM. There are tons and tons of people, in lots of places, pretty much all states and just about every metropolitan area, as well as a lot of non-metro areas. A lot of Lit BDSMers have memberships there... and it's *free* if that makes any difference.

ETA: Damn, Stella... you must have gotten to this a couple of minutes before I did. :p
 
Stella_Omega said:
Check out fetlife.com, which is a facebook for pervs. Do a search in your area for the groups that get together in your area and go to a few "munches" to get the lay of the land so to speak. Don't expect a miracle to happen right away. Just start getting to know the people who are interested, network like crazy, gain lots of new casual friends and stay alert for the people who might be more important than the rest to you.

BDSM, as I always say, is not rocket science--but it does take more effort and more knowledge, more SELF knowledge, than your basic missionary hump. So do your homework and know thyself. It will make things much easier when you go to introduce yourself to someone else. :kiss:
Click to expand...

Sir_Winston54 said:
You might want to look into Fetlife.com, which is a national board for people involved in and/or wanting to learn more about the fetish culture, largely centered on BDSM. There are tons and tons of people, in lots of places, pretty much all states and just about every metropolitan area, as well as a lot of non-metro areas. A lot of Lit BDSMers have memberships there... and it's *free* if that makes any difference.

ETA: Damn, Stella... you must have gotten to this a couple of minutes before I did. :p
Click to expand...

I'm already a member on there....I have just never worked up the courage to actually go to an event. Partially because I'm afraid I will see someone I know (and the repercussions that would follow from that) And partially because I don't really trust the internet to meet people. Maybe I'm too paranoid, but whatever.

And thanks for the advice guys! I appreciate it!
 
If you are wanting it as part of a full relationship, it has many components that are the same as building any other relationship. Communication, trust, shared interests, etc.

As Stella mentioned, FetLife is a good place, although I met my Master on a more generic Sex/dating site.

Obviously you will want to follow the same safety measures you would with meeting anyone online.

My rules were:
1) initial conversations were strictly via the message system on the site, then via IM.
2) phone conversations were next. If you don't want to initially give out your actual phone number, it is quite easy to set up a Google Voice account (free) and have that number forward to your mobile phone. This can be used for text messaging as well.
3) after a few meetings where the person had obviously used very outdated photos, I required a photo taken holding that days news paper (I don't do webcam, but I guess that would work as well) prior to arranging an actual meeting. I don't do fully blind dates where I have not seen so much as a current photo. I always provided the same to the person I was meeting.
4) initial meetings are during the day time in a very public place and someone knew where I was going and who I would be meeting.


Hope this helps some. Good luck.
 
His_pet_slut said:
If you are wanting it as part of a full relationship, it has many components that are the same as building any other relationship. Communication, trust, shared interests, etc.

As Stella mentioned, FetLife is a good place, although I met my Master on a more generic Sex/dating site.

Obviously you will want to follow the same safety measures you would with meeting anyone online.

My rules were:
1) initial conversations were strictly via the message system on the site, then via IM.
2) phone conversations were next. If you don't want to initially give out your actual phone number, it is quite easy to set up a Google Voice account (free) and have that number forward to your mobile phone. This can be used for text messaging as well.
3) after a few meetings where the person had obviously used very outdated photos, I required a photo taken holding that days news paper (I don't do webcam, but I guess that would work as well) prior to arranging an actual meeting. I don't do fully blind dates where I have not seen so much as a current photo. I always provided the same to the person I was meeting.
4) initial meetings are during the day time in a very public place and someone knew where I was going and who I would be meeting.


Hope this helps some. Good luck.
Click to expand...

thanks
 
Or, maybe consider the idea that people in this "lifestyle" (gads I hate that term) are all over the place - not just on websites like Lit or (FetLife, or CollarMe), or at munches/BDSM clubs...

Every successful power based relationship I've had, has been with a man I didn't meet because of kink. They happened because I figured out who/what I was, what I needed out of a relationship, and how to communicate [those things].

Yes, places like Fet and/or munches are excellent ways to socialize with "like minded" people, but there's a hell of a lot of life that happens outside of "the dungeon".
 
CutieMouse said:
Or, maybe consider the idea that people in this "lifestyle" (gads I hate that term) are all over the place - not just on websites like Lit or (FetLife, or CollarMe), or at munches/BDSM clubs...

Every successful power based relationship I've had, has been with a man I didn't meet because of kink. They happened because I figured out who/what I was, what I needed out of a relationship, and how to communicate [those things].

Yes, places like Fet and/or munches are excellent ways to socialize with "like minded" people, but there's a hell of a lot of life that happens outside of "the dungeon".
Click to expand...

you need to be meticulous and determined for that
 
CutieMouse said:
Or, maybe consider the idea that people in this "lifestyle" (gads I hate that term) are all over the place - not just on websites like Lit or (FetLife, or CollarMe), or at munches/BDSM clubs...

Every successful power based relationship I've had, has been with a man I didn't meet because of kink. They happened because I figured out who/what I was, what I needed out of a relationship, and how to communicate [those things].

Yes, places like Fet and/or munches are excellent ways to socialize with "like minded" people, but there's a hell of a lot of life that happens outside of "the dungeon".
Click to expand...


I'm think that may be more my speed anyway. Just need the right guy I guess? IDK....
 
smart_and_sexytxgirl said:
I'm already a member on there....I have just never worked up the courage to actually go to an event. Partially because I'm afraid I will see someone I know (and the repercussions that would follow from that) And partially because I don't really trust the internet to meet people. Maybe I'm too paranoid, but whatever.

And thanks for the advice guys! I appreciate it!
Click to expand...
either you get out there and meet people, or you never meet people. I don't know any other way to do it, sorry.

It's totally true that you can develop a BDSM-dar that will let you notice people who are congenial, but I don't know how you can do that in a vacuum. And there area as many dangers in meeting a guy who is disconnected from the community as there are in meeting someone who recognises you. More. After all, you will ALSO recognise the second person-- but someone who claims they are a master and brandishes a hank of rope at you-- how do you actually know he's competent? There are reasons we play in public once in a while. At a public party, you are safer from abuse because there (should be) dungeon masters around. Most parties are NOT free-for-alls. Not unless there have been extensive negotiations before the party starts, and those are usually seriously private.
 
Stella_Omega said:
either you get out there and meet people, or you never meet people. I don't know any other way to do it, sorry.

It's totally true that you can develop a BDSM-dar that will let you notice people who are congenial, but I don't know how you can do that in a vacuum. And there area as many dangers in meeting a guy who is disconnected from the community as there are in meeting someone who recognises you. More. After all, you will ALSO recognise the second person-- but someone who claims they are a master and brandishes a hank of rope at you-- how do you actually know he's competent? There are reasons we play in public once in a while. At a public party, you are safer from abuse because there (should be) dungeon masters around. Most parties are NOT free-for-alls. Not unless there have been extensive negotiations before the party starts, and those are usually seriously private.
Click to expand...

I'm meaning more like someone who it would be detrimental to my career if they knew about this side of me. For instance, was talking to a guy on here the other day who's sister is in my major, and whom i most likely know. And since I graduate in three weeks, I want to be careful not to endanger my future. At the same time, I do want to meet people....I just need to get up the guts to do it.
 
smart_and_sexytxgirl said:
I'm meaning more like someone who it would be detrimental to my career if they knew about this side of me. For instance, was talking to a guy on here the other day who's sister is in my major, and whom i most likely know. And since I graduate in three weeks, I want to be careful not to endanger my future. At the same time, I do want to meet people....I just need to get up the guts to do it.
Click to expand...

I'm impressed with your common sense, actually. :rose:
 
smart_and_sexytxgirl said:
I'm already a member on there....I have just never worked up the courage to actually go to an event. Partially because I'm afraid I will see someone I know (and the repercussions that would follow from that) And partially because I don't really trust the internet to meet people. Maybe I'm too paranoid, but whatever.

And thanks for the advice guys! I appreciate it!
Click to expand...

smart_and_sexytxgirl said:
I'm meaning more like someone who it would be detrimental to my career if they knew about this side of me. For instance, was talking to a guy on here the other day who's sister is in my major, and whom i most likely know. And since I graduate in three weeks, I want to be careful not to endanger my future. At the same time, I do want to meet people....I just need to get up the guts to do it.
Click to expand...
Since you're ready to graduate, funds may be an issue, so this might not work for you, but consider the possibility of attending an event or two in a city/metro area other than your own. For example, if you're at UT-Austin, San Antonio, Houston, Corpus Christi, Ft. Worth and Dallas are all within a couple hours' drive, and each has one or more groups. No matter which university you're attending (except maybe UTEP), there are good-sized cities within a couple-three hours' drive that likely have a group or two.

Also, as Stella said, recognition usually works both directions: if they recognize you, you'll likely recognize them, too, and for someone at a group (munch, play party, open event) to expose you as having attended, they would also be outing themselves.

You're young, and it likely wouldn't kill you to sequester these yearnings for a while, or to develop the BDSM-dar Stella mentioned and hope to find a relationship in that way, but the danger lurking behind hiding or denying your nature - perhaps even from yourself - is more that doing so could poison whatever relationship(s) you might develop before you find the courage (if you ever do) to acknowledge your need for this type of relationship, and lead to even more misery.

Good luck to you, and welcome to our little part of the BDSM culture (I like that word a lot better than "lifestyle," btw). You'll find a goodly number of experienced and helpful folk here in the BDSM Talk forum, as well as in the Café, though discussion over there is mostly of a much lighter flavor, and often wanders far afield from the more serious topics in Talk, though often with a touch of BDSM mixed in with the cardamom and humor.
 
Like any other activity that requires the participation of another human being - you can read about it for years, you can watch video, you can write it, you can fantasize and fap to it - but if you want to actually do it with someone else, you have to screw up the courage to A) meet someone and B) let them know you want it.

Groups are one way to meet likely candidates. Once you get your foot in the door, you can start making friends and networking. And just like the vanilla world, you might make a random connection, you might get introduced by a friend, you might meet a friend of a friend, you might see someone doing something you really, really want to try and lots of people tell you "They're good at it, and safe. They'll respect your limits, give it a try."

Austin has a helluva big kink community. GWNN (The Group With No Name) is probably the biggest group. They have munches, which are nothing more than going out to dinner with people who happen to be kinky and like to talk about it. NOTHING is happening in a public restaurant that you you'd have to be ashamed about or hide. They have play parties at a "Secret Rural Location" you have to jump through hoops to get to. Random people off the street (or campus) aren't going to run into you there. If you run into someone you know, they are there for the same thing YOU are there for. You will have just as much dirt on them.

(Note: Speaking of GWNN - Tori and I will presenting Co-Topping at the Birthday Bash July 20-22, and I will be presenting an Interrogation demo! Then the following weekend, July 27-29 we will be presenting something [perhaps Fireplay] at San Antonio Crossing, though I don't think they have our info up yet.)

FetLife, Collarme, Alt.com, Literotica, personal ads in your local weekly paper... These are all tools you can use to meet people. But all of them require you to either place yourself out there with an ad, or to respond to someone else's ad.

I would advise this: Don't worry so much about finding a "Dom." Worry about making friends and educating yourself about safe SM and bondage technique. Learn what you are about. Concern yourself with learning to negotiate, with safe meeting practices, with developing a strong ability to say "No" and mean it. Try things without developing attachments to who you are trying them with - if there is a connection for something there, you'll find it, they'll find you.

And have fun. Really. If you aren't having fun with this, why bother doing it? :D
 
Evil_Geoff said:
Like any other activity that requires the participation of another human being - you can read about it for years, you can watch video, you can write it, you can fantasize and fap to it - but if you want to actually do it with someone else, you have to screw up the courage to A) meet someone and B) let them know you want it.

Groups are one way to meet likely candidates. Once you get your foot in the door, you can start making friends and networking. And just like the vanilla world, you might make a random connection, you might get introduced by a friend, you might meet a friend of a friend, you might see someone doing something you really, really want to try and lots of people tell you "They're good at it, and safe. They'll respect your limits, give it a try."

Austin has a helluva big kink community. GWNN (The Group With No Name) is probably the biggest group. They have munches, which are nothing more than going out to dinner with people who happen to be kinky and like to talk about it. NOTHING is happening in a public restaurant that you you'd have to be ashamed about or hide. They have play parties at a "Secret Rural Location" you have to jump through hoops to get to. Random people off the street (or campus) aren't going to run into you there. If you run into someone you know, they are there for the same thing YOU are there for. You will have just as much dirt on them.

(Note: Speaking of GWNN - Tori and I will presenting Co-Topping at the Birthday Bash July 20-22, and I will be presenting an Interrogation demo! Then the following weekend, July 27-29 we will be presenting something [perhaps Fireplay] at San Antonio Crossing, though I don't think they have our info up yet.)

FetLife, Collarme, Alt.com, Literotica, personal ads in your local weekly paper... These are all tools you can use to meet people. But all of them require you to either place yourself out there with an ad, or to respond to someone else's ad.

I would advise this: Don't worry so much about finding a "Dom." Worry about making friends and educating yourself about safe SM and bondage technique. Learn what you are about. Concern yourself with learning to negotiate, with safe meeting practices, with developing a strong ability to say "No" and mean it. Try things without developing attachments to who you are trying them with - if there is a connection for something there, you'll find it, they'll find you.

And have fun. Really. If you aren't having fun with this, why bother doing it? :D
Click to expand...

You've gotten plenty of good advice, but I particularly like the blue stuff up there. I am really private about my kinks; odds are quite good that I will never be a part of "the scene". (Although I did have lunch with EG years ago, while The Short Ones [my children] were playing on the McDonalds playground. ;) )

Because the formal BDSM munch/workshop/network thing hasn't ever really "fit" me, I learned to explore outside that box - which, as I mentioned, requires a lot of awareness (self and otherwise), as well as well developed bullshit meter/ability to stand ones ground. I looked for code language in non-kink personals ads sites... my current lover's ad mentioned that he was a lot like his dog - dominant, but friendly. :D In trade, my personals ads have always had humorous little quips like that if I were to define my relationships in business terms, I'd be the Pepper Pots/kick ass personal assistant [with perks], instead of the CEO.
 
CutieMouse said:
Because the formal BDSM munch/workshop/network thing hasn't ever really "fit" me, I learned to explore outside that box - which, as I mentioned, requires a lot of awareness (self and otherwise), as well as well developed bullshit meter/ability to stand ones ground. I looked for code language in non-kink personals ads sites... my current lover's ad mentioned that he was a lot like his dog - dominant, but friendly. :D In trade, my personals ads have always had humorous little quips like that if I were to define my relationships in business terms, I'd be the Pepper Pots/kick ass personal assistant [with perks], instead of the CEO.
Click to expand...

I'm not big into the "scene" either. I found my girl on eHarmony. I did know what to look for in profiles to see which way they might lean and I knew what I wanted.

It was also helpful that one of the stock questions the site has that you can send to a person as a way to get to know them is about how they are in their personal relationships and whether they like to lead, follow, or both. This is one of the questions you can ask right off the bat before really even talking to them. Plus, they ask when you fill out your profile how dominant or submissive you are.
 
One piece of advice I would give: if you decide to feel out your area, don't go out by yourself. Use the buddy system. Be safe.
 
For me, I am learning what I do and do not like BDSM wise. I am in a relationship that I feel completely comfortable in and that I fully trust my partner. Even though I am by FAR the kinkier of the two, she is willing to help me explore my kinks. In previous relationships, I never could open up to my partners to try and explore these ideas because they were so close minded. Again, when I started this relationship with her I never knew that this is where it would end up.

I believe you will find what you need and are looking for if you give yourself time to find it and are willing to learn more about what you think you will enjoy. Keep yourself safe and good luck.
 
smart_and_sexytxgirl said:
I'm already a member on there....I have just never worked up the courage to actually go to an event. Partially because I'm afraid I will see someone I know (and the repercussions that would follow from that) And partially because I don't really trust the internet to meet people. Maybe I'm too paranoid, but whatever.

And thanks for the advice guys! I appreciate it!
Click to expand...

The internet can be a resource and people do meet that way, but it also is a minefield, lot of 'virtual people' and the like, some people who can't tell fantasy from reality, etc.....just like any other internet meet and greet site! Seriously, it can be a resource, sites like fetlife and collarme.com have real people on there, matter of separating the wheat from the chaff.

I also recommend doing net searches for groups you could get to, especially munches and the like, which are no pressure events held at a restaurant or the like, where you can meet people without pressure. There also are BD/SM groups that hold meetings that are great ways to get your feet in the water, they often hold regular meetings where demos and such go on (not talking play parties here), I don't know where you live but most larger towns and cities tend to have groups.

As far as being seen someplace by someone you know, my take on that is so what....not the fear factor, but if you saw them there, then what are they doing there? Most people go through that phase, you wonder if someone you know saw you, you wonder if somehow you are giving off vibes, but one thing I have learned is most people don't care, and you don't have the red letter on your forehead (well, unless you are into that, red letter A fetish not one of my things *smile*) so who is going to know? People are so involved in their own lives that even if they did figure out it, most would probably just be curious. During my ultimate failed attempt at transitioning and working towards going full time as a woman, I was on hormones and my body changed radically, I had hair down to my back, my beard was being cleared out, had no body hair, my nails were longer, number of other things, and quite honestly about all anyone seemed to notice was I lost weight and that I looked a lot more frail (people asked if I was sick or something)...

The other thing is to find out as much information as possible. Reading boards like on here and at collar me.om is a start. There are a lot of bd/sm sites out there, plus there are some good books for people trying to find there way (greenery press, look up their website, has some good books, including on how to get a non kink partner into getting into it, either as top or bottom). As far as knowing what you want, BD/SM is usually a progression, few people start off as rabid tops or bottoms, they usually build up to it. When I started in scene play many years ago doing pro sessions, the things I would do were few and my list of stone cold limits filled the sheet; if you filled a profile on my today, other then certain forms of sensory deprivation or hooding (claustrophobic), most of them tend to be either "done it, love it, done it, if you love it, great, or I'll try anything once, twice, three times:)....one of the fun parts as a sub (and from what I have been led to believe, for dominants as well) is in stretching limits or having them stretched, trying new things and building up along the way, the path on this is the reality, since the journey never ends (and if I was right now in a D/s, I would probably be punished for writing something so cliched, but what the hell).

And from my experience, in not a few cases the BD/SM stuff ends up flowing from a 'vanilla' relationship. I have been into BD/SM a long time, my life partner was not for many years, didn't know it (I used pro dommes), but eventually it ended up being in our relationship in a pretty serious way, hopefully will be again in the not so distant future (hit some bumps in the road, big ones, more like recovering from some wrecks..). Some of the best BD/SM relationships and people kind of self generated that way, they weren't into the serious scene community, had little contact (this was before the Internet became such a rich resource), they just kind of spontaneously generated:)
 
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