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Edith_UK

Really Really Experienced
Joined
Mar 30, 2012
Posts
389
Hullo. There is no way that starting a thread when your as new as I am aint gonna feel like walking into a pub filled with old mates and talking over people. So I apologise about that.

I'd like to talk about trust. Cos I aint got ANY yet I really want to try out some BDSM.
 
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Hi Edith :)

I think your first port of call ought to be a kink club/group in your area, a place where you can just go and meet like minded people and talk to them first hand about what you want, and about their experiences etc.

The clubs/groups tend to have munches, where you can simply go to talk, where the sexual element isn't necessarily the focus of the evening.

Meeting people without that worry may help allay some of your fears regards your safety, and trust.

There are people WAY more experienced than I who can help you, and hopefully they'll post a response for you soon:rose:
 
Trust is a two way street. There is no manual on how to trust. Trust is earn t. And when the right person comes along, you will know.

He will show you you can trust him in many ways, being considerate, caring, concerned for your needs as well as his, and not ready to push you into something your not ready for.

You also need to accept the past for what it is, embrace the present, and be open to a better future that you can share with the right partner.

Wish you well
 
butterfly, yer I've been told about munches. I'm not really up for it. I keep things down tight professionally, not really wanting to advertise my sexual preferences. Don't trust anyone you see :D

sweet, I guess what I'm asking is how trust is earnt? And not bullshitted just to get a free punt or what they want off of you? I mean your basically asking someone you KNOW gets off on inflicting pain to tie you up then expecting them not to do what the fuck they like. Seems like a mugs game. But I ... want it but dunno why lol.

As for accepting the past, that sounds a little Oprah to me. Past is what it is. Doesn't mean some of it wasn't shit. Thanks for the good wishes though, same to you babes.
 
Edith_UK said:
butterfly, yer I've been told about munches. I'm not really up for it. I keep things down tight professionally, not really wanting to advertise my sexual preferences. Don't trust anyone you see :D

sweet, I guess what I'm asking is how trust is earnt? And not bullshitted just to get a free punt or what they want off of you? I mean your basically asking someone you KNOW gets off on inflicting pain to tie you up then expecting them not to do what the fuck they like. Seems like a mugs game. But I ... want it but dunno why lol.

As for accepting the past, that sounds a little Oprah to me. Past is what it is. Doesn't mean some of it wasn't shit. Thanks for the good wishes though, same to you babes.
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I would have watched Oprah maybe once while I was at my mothers. I dont go in for those types of tv shows or reality crap ones either.

Your a smart woman, you had to be, to be where you are now. As I said there is no manual on how to trust. Trust is earn t. You will know, you will feel it, and you will feel safe with that person, and you will want to share yourself with that person. :kiss:
 
Edith_UK said:
butterfly, yer I've been told about munches. I'm not really up for it. I keep things down tight professionally, not really wanting to advertise my sexual preferences. Don't trust anyone you see :D

sweet, I guess what I'm asking is how trust is earnt? And not bullshitted just to get a free punt or what they want off of you? I mean your basically asking someone you KNOW gets off on inflicting pain to tie you up then expecting them not to do what the fuck they like. Seems like a mugs game. But I ... want it but dunno why lol.

As for accepting the past, that sounds a little Oprah to me. Past is what it is. Doesn't mean some of it wasn't shit. Thanks for the good wishes though, same to you babes.
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well then you're fkd, aren't you, really? If BDSM is something you actually want to try, you NEED to 'advertise'(discuss with another person) your preferences, else how are you going to know who you should and shouldn't play with, how are they supposed to know your limits?
Trust is a 2 way street ofcourse, has to be earnt on both sides.
 
butterfly_flip said:
well then you're fkd, aren't you, really? If BDSM is something you actually want to try, you NEED to 'advertise'(discuss with another person) your preferences, else how are you going to know who you should and shouldn't play with, how are they supposed to know your limits?
Trust is a 2 way street ofcourse, has to be earnt on both sides.
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No, she isnt necessarily fucked. A relationship thrives on communication. Especially in these types of relationships. If the trust is earnt, communicate your wants and feelings. If it isnt something he hasnt done before, then they can explore together.
 
Edith, obviously, I've never been in your situation, except for the part about learning to trust. Even for someone who has *not* been in your specific situation, trust takes time. Vanilla time. Time talking, playing (not sexually), learning about another person. Time letting little bits of you out, one at a time, and them letting little bits of themselves out, one at a time. Learning how the other person naturally reacts in various situations, e.g., when he sees a child crying because s/he's misplaced mummy for 12 seconds too long, *and* when mummy comes rushing up to reclaim her "lost" butterfly. E.g., how he treats servers at a restaurant, ushers at a movie theater, random people on the street who may accidentally step on his toe. All these things can tell you a *lot* about the person inside, when he's not putting on his best face and not even realizing he's showing you his real, everyday face, the one that best reflects his normal way of thought.

As far as the munches and things go, if you're just looking for a guy who can - and will - "tie me up... try some pain in a controlled way," without any type of emotional ties, find a munch that's reachable but not in your normal pathways of life. (You don't have to give your real name, or any type of ID, to attend {unless you look underage}.) Talk to the submissives and bottoms there. They *will* be honest about the toppy types after you've talked with them for a relatively short period of time. They have to be honest with one another; *their* asses could depend on it some time soon. You can find a top, or a service top (Stella will come by soon and describe this better than I can ;) ), who will be happy to make arrangements to give you the experience(s) you want, in a safe way. And the other subs/bottoms will almost certainly be willing to set up a safe call system with you that will let you contact them at or just before your arrival (or his, if you're doing it at a place under your control), at some specified period while you're with him, and at the end of your session.

Don't settle for the first guy who waves a flogger or cane at your behind, either. Talk to two or three of the ones recommended by the bottoms at your munch, see what kind of vibes you get from them, and then make a decision, even if the decision is to wait a bit and see if you can find someone who's a better mental/emotional fit for you. Scening with someone with whom you have NO mental connection is little more than masturbating with someone else's body, and I have a feeling that you're looking for a *little bit* more than that.

Good luck to you, and welcome to the BDSM Talk and Café!
 
Edith_UK said:
But how the fuck do you trust someone?

...

But if I meet say a random off of here, how the fuck do you subs stay safe? How do you say a safe word with a fuckin gag on?!

Keep running through it in my mind, but always get to this point where I imagine both my hands tied up, feeling that panic, saying the safe word and the man just laughing, then I get the fuckin fear (and not in a sexy way), and then I think I'd be fuckin insane to risk it.

I think I may just not have any trust. At all.
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How do we trust anyone? If you have never trusted anyone in your life (possible), then you are in for a rough road ahead, but otherwise stick with what has worked for you in the past.

What does your intuition tell you? How do they treat strangers? What type of relationships do they have in their life? What do people who you trust (or impartial parties) have to say about that person? In short, you build up trust the same way you do with anyone.

As far as placing yourself in a situation where you may be at risk, well, same thing, except you have to build up trust, but educate yourself about the type of play you wish to engage in with the other person.

Don't let them tie you up if you don't trust them. Or have another person present who you do trust. Or set up a time for someone to call you and if you don't answer, then have them do X,Y and Z.

I understand that you wish to maintain your privacy, but at some point, you will need to take a leap of faith or else your desire for privacy will put you at risk.

The worst thing I have to tell you though is that at some point you will probably be wrong about someone. As much as we all try to be infallible, we all mistakes when it comes to judging people. All I can say is to use your best judgement, do research, do more research, and try to play as safely as you can. The rewards (in my opinion) are well worth it.

My $0.02

W~
 
Well Edith, you came to the right place. The problem is, you haven't experienced anything BDSM before, and so you're new to it. And, not knowing you personally, you sound like maybe you haven't trusted that much in the past, either. Unfortunately, trust is a fact of life, if you want to experience much more than your own fingers on your clit and really feel it. And I don't have to tell you the number of creeps out there that will take advantage of you, if they can. In fact, you could probably teach classes to subs about how to "read" a man.

You just have to take your on the job education and put it to use. Sure, you should go to a much somewhere, but you don't have to tell them a damn thing about your personal life. In fact, you can go to meetings of a group far away from your home area. They don't need to know where you live. You can be as private as you want about your name, address, past and all of that kind of stuff. All you need to tell people is that you feel like you are a submissive and you might want to submit to someone, just for the fun of it. They will have to know that much about you, so you can get connected with the right people.

Like others have said, make friends with the submissives in the group. They will know the ins and outs of the domimants. There will be good doms and bad doms, and the subs will have first hand knowledge about them all. That's how a much group works. Everybody looks out for everbody else, because they know they might need help sometime, too. Setup a safe call arrangement with a couple of them. There are various ways to setup safe calls.

But, you are going to have to trust people to make all of this happen. If trusting is new to you, it's going to be difficult to trust the first person. You'll have sweaty palms, nervous fits and you might even be in cold sweats, but you'll have to trust someone and become their friend.

I know you've had to fend for yourself for most of your life. And like someone has already said, you're a smart lady to be where you are, today. And, I'm sure you could tell some stories. You need to go to a much group, meet some of the women submissives there and make friends with them. Socialize with them...get to know them...and with time, they will begin to trust you and you will begin to trust them.

They can then help you with finding a guy who can be trusted. You should still go slow with everything. Get to know the guy. You say you don't want to go that route, but I think you'd be much better off if you did. I know your situation and it isn't going to work for you without some emotional connection. Emotion, Edith...let it out. Make friends with people. The trust comes with that.

YOU are in charge of this meeting. YOU are looking for someone to satisfy YOUR desires. You won't take just anybody, because he says he's willing to beat your ass for you. Don't let him tie you up for the first few times. Get accustomed to him and let him get accustomed to you. Just simulate that you have your hands tied. If he demands to tie you up, he's not the one for you. Tell him to hit the road. Don't let anyone gag you for the first few times, either. It's the same thing. If someone demands it, tell them to fuck off and hit the road.

You need to have a connection with the man. Spend some time with him...get to know him. Sharing a little bit of yourself with him and letting him share a little with you. The more time you share with him the more you'll feel more at ease with him. And the best way to find a good man to start this with is through a munch group.

I know it's not going to be easy, Edith. You need to open up a little bit. You don't do that in your job, because each guy is just like the last. And, I'm a lot like you, because I don't like to open up either. But if you can find a way to open up to someone, he will open up to you and the trust will eventually take care of itself.

And if you have more questions as you go along, there are a lot of people here who have been where you are now. That first step is the worst, that's for sure. But, once you start, it gets easier from then on.

Take that step, Edith. I'm pulling for you. :D
 
Emotion, Edith...let it out. Make friends with people. The trust comes with that.
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This too... god.

As much as I didn't expect/ don't want this to be about making friends (I've already got me mates, cheers, don't need any new ones especially weird ones). But emotion is a whole different thing.

I don't want or need to be emotionally involved with someone. That's not what I'm looking for. I wanna cum with someone and potentially never see them again. You know punters always say they don't actually pay for the sex, they pay for the ability to just walk away after? That's kinda what I'm thinking. That I'll give my body for free to someone if they can make me cum and I can walk away after.

Is it possible to feel things physically and not emotionally? Men seem to do it fine, why can't I?
 
wow

You appear to be one hard nosed bitch. You know what you want but afraid to take the risk of ending up with a nutter (I don't blame you for that).
You can only build trust, it takes time.

The scene from the jungle book film comes to mind of the snake with the hypnotic eyes singing the 'trust' song.

Good luck in your search.
 
PhilGarlic said:
You appear to be one hard nosed bitch. You know what you want but afraid to take the risk of ending up with a nutter (I don't blame you for that).
You can only build trust, it takes time.

The scene from the jungle book film comes to mind of the snake with the hypnotic eyes singing the 'trust' song.

Good luck in your search.
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Pmfsl I AM a hard nosed bitch :D
 
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sad

Edith_UK said:
Pmfsl I AM a hard nosed bitch :D I started work when I were 15 but looked much much younger. And it was all 'oh Edie your so beautiful, Edie your so perfect, Edie pretend your 13 and suck my cock'. Fuckin pricks :D So yer you grow up pretty fast and pretty hard.

But then I'm sure I don't need to tell you the number of players there are out there or how to play the game.
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(Pmfs ?)
Reading that just makes me feel a little sad! The world is full of 'fucking pricks' but also a lot of good guys and girls, just not too easy to see them at times. And to be honest sometimes you only find out who the good guys are once you get to know them.

Good luck girl, stay strong
 
PhilGarlic said:
(Pmfs ?)
Reading that just makes me feel a little sad! The world is full of 'fucking pricks' but also a lot of good guys and girls, just not too easy to see them at times. And to be honest sometimes you only find out who the good guys are once you get to know them.

Good luck girl, stay strong
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(piss my fuckin self laughing ;)).

Don't feel sad on my account. I didn't get played for long. And your right about there being a lot of good people. I see good in people too, and when I do I hold on tight to em. I'd fight lions for the good people in my life.

Good luck to yourself darlin n all x

The worst thing I have to tell you though is that at some point you will probably be wrong about someone. As much as we all try to be infallible, we all mistakes when it comes to judging people.
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Yer this is what worries me waaitg. Cos the stakes are high innit. Not much room for mistakes if your defenceless.
 
Edith_UK said:
This too... god.

As much as I didn't expect/ don't want this to be about making friends (I've already got me mates, cheers, don't need any new ones especially weird ones). But emotion is a whole different thing.

I don't want or need to be emotionally involved with someone. That's not what I'm looking for. I wanna cum with someone and potentially never see them again. You know punters always say they don't actually pay for the sex, they pay for the ability to just walk away after? That's kinda what I'm thinking. That I'll give my body for free to someone if they can make me cum and I can walk away after.

Is it possible to feel things physically and not emotionally? Men seem to do it fine, why can't I?
Click to expand...
Doing it your way is possible, but it's a lot more dangerous and a lot less satisfying in the long run. If you've heard of zipless
sex, that's kind of what you're referring to. Stranger on stranger, both using each other for their own fun, then going their separate ways.

But, it's not wise to do BDSM that way. Sure, it's faster to the fun, but those creeps out there are really hoping for someone like you to come along and take the quick road, because that gives them the upper hand. They know what their intentions are and you don't. There's no trust at all, and no way to be sure everything is going to go as planned, even if you can plan at all. In the unwritten rules of BDSM play, the fast way is not advised.

You have mentioned that you want to release all control, because you've been in control all of your sex life, through your job. If you had to fake climaxes in your job, it's very likely that you won't be able to climax this way, either. If you have to watch the guy to make sure he is going to treat you correctly, it will be just like work for you. The only way to release all control is to trust someone.

Keep in mind, this is not your job, now. You had control in your job. This is a way to get yourself hurt, if you don't find someone who will follow the rules. That's why we suggest the munch group, meeting people and letting them help you with your search. Doing it all on your own is very difficult, and very dangerous. Even if you do take your security with you. You'll never be able to relax. To be a submissive, you have to be able to relax and let go. Sorry Edith, as difficult as it might be, trust is the way to go.
 
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DVS said:
Doing it your way is possible, but it's a lot more dangerous and a lot less satisfying in the long run. If you've heard of zipless
sex, that's kind of what you're referring to. Stranger on stranger, both using each other for their own fun, then going their separate ways.

But, it's not wise to do BDSM that way. Sure, it's faster to the fun, but those creeps out there are really hoping for someone like you to come along and take the quick road, because that gives them the upper hand. They know what their intentions are and you don't. There's no trust at all, and no way to be sure everything is going to go as planned, even if you can plan at all. In the unwritten rules of BDSM play, the fast way is not advised.

You have mentioned that you want to release all control, because you've been in control all of your sex life, through your job. If you had to fake climaxes in your job, it's very likely that you won't be able to climax this way, either. If you have to watch the guy to make sure he is going to treat you correctly, it will be just like work for you. The only way to release all control is to trust someone.

Keep in mind, this is not your job, now. You had control in your job. This is a way to get yourself hurt, if you don't find someone who will follow the rules. That's why we suggest the munch group, meeting people and letting them help you with your search. Doing it all on your own is very difficult, and very dangerous. Even if you do take your security with you. You'll never be able to relax. To be a submissive, you have to be able to relax and let go. Sorry Edith, as difficult as it might be, trust is the way to go.
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Your ALWAYS fuckin right aint ya :D
 
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Edith_UK said:
Your ALWAYS fuckin right aint ya :D I know your right now. It's just... emotions are messy. It's not just like I don't cum during sex, I don't feel fuck all. No emotion, no pleasure, sometimes not even pain when I've had a slap in the past. Just distance.

I'd take my security anyway, I think. He owes me a favour as it goes anyway.
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See? You've solved your own problem. You didn't feel anything in your job. Because sex was your job, your work has taken over any personal feelings and blocked them all out. No emotion, no pleasure and no pain, just distance. Don't you think it's time you were allowed to feel something?

You've allowed all of those men to use your body for their fun, now it's your turn to let the men schmooze you a little bit. I don't know about you, but I think you deserve it. It will mean you have to go a little vanilla for a while, so you can get to know them and see how they are. Search through all of the men out there and find one that fits your needs. And don't take any shit from any of them, along the way!
 
Edith_UK said:
(piss my fuckin self laughing ;)).

Don't feel sad on my account. I didn't get played for long. And your right about there being a lot of good people. I see good in people too, and when I do I hold on tight to em. I'd fight lions for the good people in my life.

Good luck to yourself darlin n all x

Glad I made you laugh :D:D

No I don't feel sad for you, from the sounds of things you have got yourself somewhere you want to be, you sound strong and in charge of your emotions, that more then lots of people I know. I just felt sad about people taking advantage, but I guess thats part of life.
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PhilGarlic said:
Edith_UK said:
(piss my fuckin self laughing ;)).

Don't feel sad on my account. I didn't get played for long. And your right about there being a lot of good people. I see good in people too, and when I do I hold on tight to em. I'd fight lions for the good people in my life.

Good luck to yourself darlin n all x

Glad I made you laugh :D:D

No I don't feel sad for you, from the sounds of things you have got yourself somewhere you want to be, you sound strong and in charge of your emotions, that more then lots of people I know. I just felt sad about people taking advantage, but I guess thats part of life.
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Hahaha. I'd kinda like to tell you that your wrong but the details would be self indulgent ;)

Yer it was complicated back then anyway.
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I can very much relate, Edith, and like other have said, its a difficult road. It will be long. It makes perfect sense that you would feel disconnected from your body/pleasure/sexuality. To survive as you did, one would have to. Unless someone has dealt with a similar disconnectedness from themselves it would be difficult to suggest a path out of it I think.

In my case, it took years, and is probably still a work in progress. Don't expect one or two people to suddenly open your trusting side. Each person I met or was intimate with over the years opened me up slightly more each time. Expect to sometimes take two steps forward, one step backwards. Maybe more or less each time. It might at first seem safe to connect with someone who shares your fears. In my experience this is a mistake. Two people who share an inability or fear of trusting often serve to help reinforce those fears. I've done better with people who were trusting but understood and were patient with my caution.

And most importantly, don't expect anyone else to teach you how to trust. You are the only one who can teach yourself that when you are ready, even if that comes incrementally over time.

As for BDSM, well, I started with light restraint play but it took me years before I could fully submit. It was easier to be the one doing the tying than being the one tied up. Little by little I allowed more. At first maybe it was just my feet restrained, but for a long time I needed my hands free or I couldn't handle it. Strict time limits helped. 5 minutes to start and extended longer after that. Cant say I've ever done full submission though (but i do allow myself to be fully bound now), and maybe never will. Ultimately, you can only start in the shallow end and stop wherever and whenever you feel you can't go further.
 
Edith_UK said:
PhilGarlic said:
Hahaha. I'd kinda like to tell you that your wrong but the details would be self indulgent ;)

Yer it was complicated back then anyway. I certainly wasn't a victim, I laughed, robbed and fucked my way out of most situations. I can't explain it very well... not got the words. Whatever by the end I was earning £130 on the hour and you can't knock that.
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Now thats good to read, I think lots of us have grown up doing things that are bad for us, and been used or exploited along the way. That said it don't mean that we can not have a good time as well.

Maybe you should write your life story :D
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Meh this long, difficult road is sounding kind of tiresome though. There's always this bit of me that just wants to go, just fuckin DO it you soft bitch :D Just fuckin arrange the meet, eyeball him, take a deep breath and a valium, then let him fuck you however he wants and see if you get off on it. Odds are with a little bit of nouse your unlikely to ACTUALLY get a murderer, worst you'll get is a proper beating or burnt and god knows I've handled that. On the other hand you might get someone who really, really knows how to get a woman off with control.

I'm not sure that's trust. It's maybe just not giving a fuck too much. Mind you I am drunk now :D
 
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