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Old 04-03-2012, 03:15 AM   #76
much2much
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3 years? Do you think he is just not interested in you or not interested period?
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Old 04-03-2012, 03:20 AM   #77
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Sometimes it wears out and it looks like a lot more fun to bang the neighbor than the spouse if you are falling asleep. No fun for you, no fun for him. Either spice it up together or move on.
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Old 04-03-2012, 03:22 AM   #78
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Sexless

Hi,
My name is John.
Tell me the way to your heart and soul.
Bye for now.
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Old 04-03-2012, 03:22 AM   #79
much2much
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You sound like a big bag of fun. Almost all relationships would not survive swinging too long. I would love to be with someone who could separate sex from love and have a pile of fun. Good luck!
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Old 04-05-2012, 06:18 PM   #80
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I've posted extensively about the sexless marriage issue on other threads, so I'll just say this:
  1. Divorce can hurt kids deeply. There is extensive longitudinal research that shows this (see Judith Wallerstein's work). I also know this from personal experience. Do what you need to do, because people are resilient, kids can go on and live pretty good lives with divorced parents, but let's not delude ourselves.
  2. It's always so annoying when, as a woman in a sexless marriage, I see guys saying stuff like "have you tried to spice things up?" Hah. Lingerie, candles, toys, porn, sexy pics of myself, you name it. Things got so spicy it was like an Indian restaurant. Nothing helped. It adds insult to injury when you imply that the only reason our husbands don't fuck us is because we're boring.
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Old 04-05-2012, 07:27 PM   #81
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Ah, screw it.

Last edited by mr_rippley : 04-05-2012 at 07:31 PM.
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Old 04-05-2012, 11:57 PM   #82
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chipcarver View Post
For you wives...
Get your husband to a doctor and find out if his testosterone levels are low. Mine were, although it didn't affect my sex desire it did affect my energy level. Just didn't want to do the things I enjoyed before.
Testosterone effects every man a little different.
Have him get a physical and make sure the doc tests his levels. It could be harming him in other ways.
Chipcarver is absolutely correct. Testosterone levels play a large role in a lot of different aspects of a man's health, especially his sex drive. Even then, his libido may be good, but if he's had trouble getting and maintaining an erection, it could be a testosterone issue.

Every man should get physicals and have their chemical work done on a regular basis.

To the OP, while I sympathize for your situation, finding someone else to fill that need for passion is going to ruin your marriage. Either divorce your husband (which will hurt your child) and find someone else, or find a way to bring sex and love back into your marriage. Your husband may have low testosterone levels, he may be cheating on you, he may secretly despise something you do, or it could be any number of other things. Find out what it is and try to resolve that before you do something drastic.
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Old 04-06-2012, 01:12 AM   #83
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great thread

It's nice to see some people discussing the issue of sexless marriage. I feel I have a lot in common with many of you, I'm in a otherwise loving marriage but the wife just doesnt seem to enjoy sex. I have no desire to leave but crave the sexual intimacy that I'm not getting. Thanks for sharing everyone
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Old 04-06-2012, 03:06 AM   #84
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I'm pleased to see that someone else gets infuriated with the comments such as "Have you tried this?" as if the woman is ultimately responsible for the quality of the couple's sex life. It's very easy to try too hard and that is such a turn off. What we all want is the spontaneity of passion. Not hours spent doing this and that to spice up something that's already dead and gone.
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Old 04-06-2012, 03:14 AM   #85
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i agree officegurl trying too hard can become another problem
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Old 04-06-2012, 09:09 AM   #86
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My guess is he

1) Has a gf on the side (doubt it)
2) Is having ED issues, find him some viagra, cialis, or lavitra and leave it on his pillow
3) May have low testosterone issues which can be checked with a simple blood test
4) May have cheated on you and is having severe guilt issues

Food for thought!
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Old 04-06-2012, 09:30 AM   #87
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Quote:
Originally Posted by much2much View Post
You sound like a big bag of fun. Almost all relationships would not survive swinging too long. I would love to be with someone who could separate sex from love and have a pile of fun. Good luck!
It's less about the person being able to separate those things and more about having the completely open communication and absolute trust in your relationship to be able to explore sexually with others.
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Old 04-06-2012, 11:44 AM   #88
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sexless.

i am new to this site.
and the first thing i did was go to the message boards to see what is most talked about on here.

i am both happy and kind of amassed to find a lot of ppl asking for help or suggestions.when it comes to real life issues.

in this case..a sexless marriage.

well here's my 2 cents. ( for what it;s worth )

is it anyone's fault?
i don't think so. for whatever reason it just happens.
somehow i doubt there is 1 thing that someone can point out that,if changed, would make everything better or at-least like how you want it to be.
but whatever is wrong,it's clear to see things aren't the way you want them to be.

i think the hardest thing a person in any relationship can do is give up.
give up on being loyal,or the bond that you have with the other.
give up on your own sexuality.or give up all together.
i think it;s safe to say we all agree that sex or sexuality isn't most important in a relationship.but it is important.

i think in the end it all boils down to"is what i have right now..worth giving up apart of myself and my happiness"..
staying together when someone is unhappy will just lead to more hurt,pain and suffering. and you can debate about kids all you want.
but when they are grown up and they ask you have u been happy? or come to you to ask advice when they are with someone that basically will lead them to the same life you have had...what would u tell them?

what will you..or rather are you prepared to give up on.to be unhappy.
and what would u do to be happy?
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Old 04-06-2012, 03:18 PM   #89
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Quote:
Originally Posted by afriendg View Post
You may ask..you're right about the elephant in the room...I've used that terminology before...he get's defensive, tells me he's going back to the doctor, etc...in the past it hasn't helped..and now he just doesn't seem to care at all..

so you're right..it's truly a sad state of affairs, but I thank you for your support
You are very welcome and I send hugs and comfort to you

I know another situation where a male friend took a huge chance and decided to shower attention on his uninterested wife and it backfired. They have not been intimate in over 15 years. He has not left her or had an affair but craves touch so badly that he goes for sensuous massages
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Old 04-06-2012, 03:21 PM   #90
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"have you tried this.....?"

Its interesting to see this thread. I have started my own Sexless Marriage Hook-up thread a while back....with limited succes, but with some great conversation and great people involved, it seems.

You two gals are right about how irritating it is when you hear "have you tried spicing things up". But let me assure you, its just as annoying for us men in the same situation....trust me. What is also irritating (as a man), is when you hear women questioning whether you do enough housework, enough parenting, and so on. I understand there are a lot of man-boys out there who don't take care of themselves...but I do, and always have.

But, I can relate. My wife has completely lost her sex drive (it doesn't help she is a perfect 10 and me and every man on Earth is salivating over her). She is feeling terrible about it, but its like something died inside her after childbirth. Frankly, for us working single income families, it feels like use and abuse when you cook, clean, earn all the income, and your wife turns off light a lightbulb.

Its been years....the kids are growing up, but she has never "gone back to the light", (or should I say "dark", since we USED to be soooooo kinky). As a kink myself, its been like an axe to the face being cut off from somethign that is healthy, free, and fun.

I dont' get it, never did, and am tired of trying to understand. An affair sounds like a GREAT idea these days. Lets try to drop the silliness.....affairs happen all the time, and sometimes for ridiculous reasons.

However...if you do your due diligence and research, try to solve the problem, and give it a number of years....there is a limit. Women and men both reach that limit...and it can be emotionally damaging.

Personally, I believe that no-sex in a marriage, should be ground for fault-divorce, with financial penalties, but perhaps that makes me crazy. However, if you look at the stats, the sexless marriage, and mismatched libido are now one of the top reasons for divorce. Seriously, it feels like abuse.

If I wanted a room-mate, I would be living with one of my buddies, not a sexy asexual. And no....she aint cheating. Yes, she's despressed. Yes, she is medicated. No, it doesn't work. Yes, we went to counselling.

Sorry for the rant! But, I feel you guys, and I "get" what you are saying.
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Old 04-07-2012, 07:35 AM   #91
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Yeah. Just for the record, here's what my husband and I have tried:

1. Two rounds of counseling with two different therapists.
2. Complete physical exam including testosterone.
3. Long, honest talks. Many of them. No, he's not gay. No, he wasn't physically abused as a child.
4. Not talking about it at all for months to "let it rest."
5. Scheduling sex.
6. Weekend getaways.
7. Watching porn together (he loves it, but it doesn't make him any more likely to want to have sex with a real human being.)
8. Individual counseling for both him and me.
9. Two year separation to "think things through."


Here's what I have tried on my own:

1. Sexy lingerie (doesn't do anything for him)
2. Suggesting "new things" (grossed him out and scared him off)
3. Naked pictures of myself (ditto)
4. Reading self-help books
5. Hours spent on the internet looking for advice, support, etc.
6. Doing all the housework
7. Doing all the initiating.
8. Doing none of the initiating.
9. Asking him about his fantasies (answer: "I don't think about sex, so I don't think I have any fantasies.")
10. Thorough snooping through all his belongings, phone, email etc. to see if he's cheating (hah. You have to want sex in order to have sex outside your marriage.)
11. Cheating. Made me miserable and lonelier than ever, plus drew a good man into my own personal mess.

Some people don't want sex. They're healthy, functioning human beings. They're just not interested. Trying to fix someone like this is pointless because you are trying to fix someone who isn't broken. The only thing 'wrong' with this person is that he/she is not a good life partner for someone who does like sex. It's a mismatch. That's all.

My options: I can leave, and lose the only person in my life who loves me, really loves me. Or I can suck it up, and stay, and get over it. I've been applying myself to the latter.

And antiasexual, I agree, it's condescending and lame to suggest that men can earn sex by doing more around the house. Seriously. You do the dishes because you live there, not because you are trying to prove yourself worthy of a little gold star in the form of sex.
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Old 04-07-2012, 07:42 AM   #92
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monique1971 View Post
...

You do the dishes because you live there, not because you are trying to prove yourself worthy of a little gold star in the form of sex.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm ...

Guess I'll stick with doing the yardwork and forget doing the dishes anymore!



...

(Sorry ... I couldn't resist. )
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Old 04-07-2012, 09:03 AM   #93
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Good luck to all of you who are involved in these unfortunate situations.
I honestly hope you find a resolution.
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Old 04-07-2012, 11:10 AM   #94
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Years ago on this site I created a thread called "Happily Married, Sexually Unfulfilled."

On the thread I detailed how I was happy with all aspects of my marriage except the sex part. Yes, my wife and I had sex once a week but it was the same exact thing every week. I tried and tried and tried to get her to try new things (with only nominal success).

In the end it always went back to the usual (almost scheduled) session of me getting her off wtih my hand (she really doesn't care for receiving oral, which I love to give). Then she would perform oral on me for a while and finish me with her hand.

Occasionally we'd fuck for 5-10 minutes. I'd love a longer fuck session but after 5 minutes she would get impatient and start asking me "aren't you going to cum?" So over the years our "love making" has become very end result-oriented. She doesn't hate sex, she just isn't into it much. She wants to cum and then get me off (so she can feel that she fulfills her wifely duty).

When I've talked to her about my unhappiness, she gets defensive and then tries to turn it around that I am the one with the problem. "My friends think we have a great sex life...Your problem is you watch too much porn and have unrealistic expectations. That's what they think," she has said to me on more than one occasion. So the true gauge of our sex life is HER FRIENDS? Because they obviously know more than me.

For 15 plus years, we've gone back and forth and in the past I was able to deal with it much better. I would play online to satisfy the desires I had for real passion and variety. I've had many online lovers and a few phone sex partners but never went further.

I do the lion's share of the work at home (laundry, cleaning, yardwork, working with kids on homework, making lunches, getting kids to school, etc.) She cooks and handles (or should I say "mishandles" the bills). She also works a full-time 40-hr a week job. I work 60-80 hrs a week. I rarely go out. I wake at 5 am and work from home, get the kids to school then go to work, come home, work with kids on homework, clean up after dinner, take dogs out, work from home and then have an hour to suck down a couple double vodkas before going to bed.

I do/did all this because it was the right thing to do. Three years ago I lost my job briefly. At that time, she worked part time and we got hit with a sizeable bill for our kids private school. We put it on a credit card.

I scored work pretty quickly but at a 30% cut in pay. After 8 months of that, I got another better-paying job. I knew about our Credit Card debt and that it increased due to some changes in our rates. At least that is what I thought.

Two years ago, determined to eliminate our CC debt, I worked 80-100 hrs a week and then took on some side projects. For a year plus, I killed myself to save enough money to pay the debt down. I thought I was about to get rid of the debt until i learned that our debt was higher than I anticipated. Our savings weren't what I was told. She basically lied about everything. She watched me kill myself for a year because she was afraid to tell me the debt was about 50% more than what I thought it was. Oh and we spent a ton of money on a vacation she had to have that we couldn't afford simply because I was mislead about our finances.

When she finally confessed about the debt, I was devastated and beyond angry. Months later she confessed that all my "working" made her lonely so she developed a SPENDING ADDICTION. This sent me through the roof. She also never paid our city taxes for two years -- I gave her the forms to mail them. She didn't and we were penalized and had to pay nearly double what we would have owed.

Before anyone says it: I know. I should have been more aware of the details of our finances. But we were always a team and I trusted her. I'm at fault there.

And now as a result, I know longer feel "happily married". I don't want to be around her that much. In fact, I now look for things about her to knitpick (yes I know, not very mature....and sad). But I just can't get past my anger.

If I didn't have kids, I think I'd be gone. We still have sex but I never initiate it. We once went three weeks without and she complained "are we ever gonna have sex again?" which was the ultimate slap in the face considering I've been dying for any sign of real passion from her for 15+ years.

I have an opportunity to have an affair. I am seriously considering it now out of spite because I simply don't view her or our marriage the same way. I used to think we'd grow old together but now I'm counting down the next 10 years so that I can exit when my 8 year old turns 18. Sadly, this is what it has come to.

OK Sorry for the whining and long ass post. Good luck to all of you out there.
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Old 04-07-2012, 07:23 PM   #95
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Damn I got nothing on you. I hope you figure it out. I have already gone the affair route. It seems to be working for me, but you have to separate your life. Be very sure of what you're doing, because you can't go back.
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Old 04-07-2012, 08:20 PM   #96
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I can't say that I read all of the responses, because many of them were very depressing. A little info about me: I have been divorced for many years and married too young. Neither of us cheated. But when I find that "one" I never, ever want to go through a divorce again. I want us both to be strong enough to work out our issues (yes, maybe I am naive, but will never lose that hope).
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Old 04-07-2012, 08:25 PM   #97
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<redacted for length>
Tough to read this. Sorry to hear it.
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Old 04-07-2012, 08:29 PM   #98
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I can't say that I read all of the responses, because many of them were very depressing.

A little info about me: I have been divorced for many, many years and married way too young. Neither of us cheated. But when I find that "one" I never, ever want to go through a divorce again. I want us both to be strong enough to work out our issues (yes, maybe I am naive, but will never lose that hope).

I am obviously no expert, so take this with a grain of salt. Ask yourself the following.

1) Do you love your husband? No, really. Do you love your husband?

2) Do you want to spend the rest of your life withOUT him?

If your answers are 1) yes, and 2) no, then communication is your key. TELL him what you are feeling. Go (demand, if necessary) to a marriage counselor. If you love him and don't want to lose him, then you need to do everything within your power to keep your marriage.

Vows are not wishes, people. They are promises from your heart. Promises. How strong is your word?

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Old 04-07-2012, 11:34 PM   #99
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Well, this may be somewhat off-topic, but the thread caught my eye so here goes.

I recently (within the last month) met a married woman who was out to sate her own needs with her husband's consent. I talked her long enough to feel comfortable taking her at her word. She is holder than me (in her early 40s) with an exceptional appetite.

I travel quite a lot so this is an entirely flexible "when you're in town" sort of situation; where I understand she may call it quits at and time if her home situation amends itself.

Anyway, I'm mostly curious if this is a common remedy for the women who have husbands with muted interest in sex. Thoughts?


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Old 04-08-2012, 12:08 AM   #100
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Please do not judge me. I am 35, healthy, attractive and in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have not been intimate in over 3 years.

He has zero desire - you may speculate all you want but no I do not think he is gay, no he will not go to marriage counseling. I have gone on my own but it is hard to fix a marriage from one side. We otherwise get along, and yes there is a child which makes leaving very hard - especially since we otherwise function very well as a family!

That said, should I be complacent with with a life of celibacy? We are friends, get along but it is platonic? Maybe, maybe there is nothing really wrong with that?

I have has affairs - both long term and short and was left feeling empty, more alone than before.

Truly I want to LOVE(!!!) - hard, unabashedly, passionately, devotedly, endlessly. And I want to be so loved in return.

But maybe that isn't what marriage is about? Maybe what I have is as close to good as it gets?

Sorry for my late night and tipsy ramble ... I have had a few glasses of Pinot Grigio and I am waxing philosophic.

Yet another who is in the same. I welcome you to come post in this forum as well with many of us who are in the similar situation. No judgement. Just a place to vent, find support and make a friend or two. http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=798077
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