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Old 03-30-2012, 12:09 AM   #1
ohwhynot77
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Sexless marriage ... just can't take it anymore!

Please do not judge me. I am 35, healthy, attractive and in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have not been intimate in over 3 years.

He has zero desire - you may speculate all you want but no I do not think he is gay, no he will not go to marriage counseling. I have gone on my own but it is hard to fix a marriage from one side. We otherwise get along, and yes there is a child which makes leaving very hard - especially since we otherwise function very well as a family!

That said, should I be complacent with with a life of celibacy? We are friends, get along but it is platonic? Maybe, maybe there is nothing really wrong with that?

I have has affairs - both long term and short and was left feeling empty, more alone than before.

Truly I want to LOVE(!!!) - hard, unabashedly, passionately, devotedly, endlessly. And I want to be so loved in return.

But maybe that isn't what marriage is about? Maybe what I have is as close to good as it gets?

Sorry for my late night and tipsy ramble ... I have had a few glasses of Pinot Grigio and I am waxing philosophic.

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Old 03-30-2012, 12:28 AM   #2
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:33 AM   #3
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Been there, done it .......understand where your coming from....it happens to both sexes....I found it hard for people understand my anguish...it was almost like...two out of three aint bad....but what I was missing was important to me....if ever you feel the need to talk drop me a PM...
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:47 AM   #4
lothwen
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I've never been married, but I was in an 8 year relationship that had the same issue, except we both never wanted sex. It was just we didn't want it at the same times. I think that, if you have a case where one partner isn't sexually interested they need to address the issue, whether it's physical or psychological. You're still healthy and young and vital and sexual, and it's unfair that your husband isn't willing to get help with this. Have you asked him how he would feel if your positions were reversed? What if he wanted sex and you not only were not interested, but you also didn't want to go to counseling to help the marriage?
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:53 AM   #5
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Amen Sister.

I have no advice. Just know that you're not alone. I'm stuck too. Kids need stability and he's a really great guy. But obviously, Something Really Important is missing here.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:08 AM   #6
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Old 03-30-2012, 02:08 AM   #7
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The vows say sickness and health but sex is part of a healthy relations and im your 30'sa should ne the good times. If he's not willing to go to therapy I would find out why, some men are embarrassed when it comes to sex prob. If he's still not willing I would file for divorce but im no expert, why should you have to live your life in misery because he's selfish.
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Old 03-30-2012, 02:17 AM   #8
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hello

I'm not sure if my reply is necessary as i have no good advice. I have been in the same boat for a year now as my wife has become a workaholic. I have tried to put on a smile and make it work, but at some point you have to make yourself happy as well. However that may come.
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Old 03-30-2012, 03:04 AM   #9
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For you wives...
Get your husband to a doctor and find out if his testosterone levels are low. Mine were, although it didn't affect my sex desire it did affect my energy level. Just didn't want to do the things I enjoyed before.
Testosterone effects every man a little different.
Have him get a physical and make sure the doc tests his levels. It could be harming him in other ways.
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Old 03-30-2012, 05:07 AM   #10
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For any of you ladies that are deprived of the joys of sex, if you're close to northeast GA hit me up for a great experience!
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Old 03-30-2012, 06:07 AM   #11
SpiritRider
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ohwhynot77 View Post
Please do not judge me. I am 35, healthy, attractive and in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have not been intimate in over 3 years.

He has zero desire - you may speculate all you want but no I do not think he is gay, no he will not go to marriage counseling. I have gone on my own but it is hard to fix a marriage from one side. We otherwise get along, and yes there is a child which makes leaving very hard - especially since we otherwise function very well as a family!

That said, should I be complacent with with a life of celibacy? We are friends, get along but it is platonic? Maybe, maybe there is nothing really wrong with that?

I have has affairs - both long term and short and was left feeling empty, more alone than before.

Truly I want to LOVE(!!!) - hard, unabashedly, passionately, devotedly, endlessly. And I want to be so loved in return.

But maybe that isn't what marriage is about? Maybe what I have is as close to good as it gets?

Sorry for my late night and tipsy ramble ... I have had a few glasses of Pinot Grigio and I am waxing philosophic.

No judgement here, but I have to wonder if when the "tipsy" wears off if you'll still feel he same way. lol
I'm very deeply involved with a 38 y/o woman who after 18 years of minimal sex in her marriage (all he wants now is a handjob maybe once a month), 4 children (3 admittedly conceived to try and save the marriage)...she finally stepped outside her vows. We see each other when it's possible, talk daily on cam and/or phone, and do our best to keep emotions from making the decisions.
An added twist for us is that it's a Master/slave relationship. She wears my collar 24/7 and he has no clue that his wife belongs to someone else...that everything she does for him is at my direction.
Not trying to say this is something for you to consider, but just lettng you know it is possible to be happy and not turn your life upside down.
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Old 03-30-2012, 07:52 AM   #12
buttercup67
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ohwhynot77 View Post
Please do not judge me. I am 35, healthy, attractive and in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have not been intimate in over 3 years.

He has zero desire - you may speculate all you want but no I do not think he is gay, no he will not go to marriage counseling. I have gone on my own but it is hard to fix a marriage from one side. We otherwise get along, and yes there is a child which makes leaving very hard - especially since we otherwise function very well as a family!

That said, should I be complacent with with a life of celibacy? We are friends, get along but it is platonic? Maybe, maybe there is nothing really wrong with that?

I have has affairs - both long term and short and was left feeling empty, more alone than before.

Truly I want to LOVE(!!!) - hard, unabashedly, passionately, devotedly, endlessly. And I want to be so loved in return.

But maybe that isn't what marriage is about? Maybe what I have is as close to good as it gets?

Sorry for my late night and tipsy ramble ... I have had a few glasses of Pinot Grigio and I am waxing philosophic.

I really feel for you. Sounds like my first marriage. Have you thought of discussing polyamory or swinging with him? I've often wondered what might've happened if I'd tried that then.

Instead, I divorced him. I'm remarried now and much happier than I ever could've been with my first husband, as we were wildly mismatched. But at the time I felt I'd explored every option, and I realized later that I had missed a few. Open non monogamy really never occurred to me.

Buttercup
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:24 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ohwhynot77 View Post
Please do not judge me. I am 35, healthy, attractive and in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have not been intimate in over 3 years.

He has zero desire - you may speculate all you want but no I do not think he is gay, no he will not go to marriage counseling. I have gone on my own but it is hard to fix a marriage from one side. We otherwise get along, and yes there is a child which makes leaving very hard - especially since we otherwise function very well as a family!

That said, should I be complacent with with a life of celibacy? We are friends, get along but it is platonic? Maybe, maybe there is nothing really wrong with that?

I have has affairs - both long term and short and was left feeling empty, more alone than before.

Truly I want to LOVE(!!!) - hard, unabashedly, passionately, devotedly, endlessly. And I want to be so loved in return.

But maybe that isn't what marriage is about? Maybe what I have is as close to good as it gets?

Sorry for my late night and tipsy ramble ... I have had a few glasses of Pinot Grigio and I am waxing philosophic.

So get a divorce. There's more than one option out there and truthfully there is no reason to pin your happiness on someone or something else. You can control your destiny, take charge and do something about it.
I've been there and have seen many examples good and bad, but in the end it's up to you.
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Old 03-30-2012, 09:52 AM   #14
hottalyssa
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ohwhynot77 View Post
Please do not judge me. I am 35, healthy, attractive and in a sexless marriage. My husband and I have not been intimate in over 3 years.

He has zero desire - you may speculate all you want but no I do not think he is gay, no he will not go to marriage counseling. I have gone on my own but it is hard to fix a marriage from one side. We otherwise get along, and yes there is a child which makes leaving very hard - especially since we otherwise function very well as a family!

That said, should I be complacent with with a life of celibacy? We are friends, get along but it is platonic? Maybe, maybe there is nothing really wrong with that?

I have has affairs - both long term and short and was left feeling empty, more alone than before.

Truly I want to LOVE(!!!) - hard, unabashedly, passionately, devotedly, endlessly. And I want to be so loved in return.

But maybe that isn't what marriage is about? Maybe what I have is as close to good as it gets?

Sorry for my late night and tipsy ramble ... I have had a few glasses of Pinot Grigio and I am waxing philosophic.

i cant offer any advice that you havent already received from other posters. but i can sympathize with you. i was in a similar situation in that my husband (now ex husband)traveled a great deal. when he was home and he wanted it, sex was awesome. which was very seldom. i eventually succumbed to my need for female love. it was the best thing i ever did. he eventually found out , but that is another story. you have my support, for what it is worth. just know you are not alone in this. if i can help in any way please let me know. sometimes it helps to tallk......
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Old 03-30-2012, 10:46 AM   #15
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I'm in a very similar situation. Even the Pinot Grigio makes an appearance in my life. The difference is that we don't have children so it's easier for me to walk away, which I am doing.

Are you going to remain in an unhappy environment for your child? Very soon your child will sense the tension and unhappiness.
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Old 03-30-2012, 11:13 AM   #16
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Ok i saw this last night. I wasn't going to post but just feel I need to. I have been married for over 20 years and for the first 10 sex was the best. Then we got into a argument, I thought I will hold out till she see's my way of thinking. Well the argument was over, but we didn't have sex. needles to say over the next 10 yrs. You can probly count the times on your fingers. We are best friends, do everything together. We have talked about it but it just doesn't happen. We have no kids. So I spend more time on here reading and now making some new friends. I just wanted you to know it happens. If you ever feel you need someone to talk with fell free to PM me. Best of luck to you and everyone
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Old 03-30-2012, 11:27 AM   #17
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:16 PM   #18
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Understand - Frustrated as Well

We are about to celebrate our 25th anniversary this summer. We have sex maybe once a month, once every two. In our 20's we had sex 3 times a week. We did awesome fun things with sex in the woods, in hot tubs, swimming pools, in the back yard, watching "Wild Orchid" (soft porn), sex in the shower. I guess she has slowed down some, she doesn't act like she's interested in sex more than once a month or once every two.

I'm a regular reader on Literotica, and have a healthy "imagination" for sex. I masturbate a lot, at least 3-4 times a week, as many of you sexless women probably do. However, my wife is completely closed to anything but her being "fingered" and then fucked to orgasm. I LOVE giving oral, I did it in college, and it made for great sex, but she has not let me do it since 2002, and it was only once when we were away alone. She thinks it is "dirty" "unhealthy" "unclean". She said she hated being kissed with the smell of her pussy on my lips. It is getting harder and harder to get her to orgasm with my hand. The most recent thing has been that I can't keep it up while I'm fingering her to orgasm, so once she's there, my dick isn't even hard enough to put it in. It used to be that her moans would get me hard at the right time and it all worked out great. She got an orgasm, then I fucked her and she came twice. But recently, my dick just hasn't worked, and it worries me.

I'm starting to fantasize about our housekeeper, her sister, our friends, which is not good for a stable relationship. I even created an account on adultfriendfinder, but have quickly figured out that it's 99% guys, and very few women, and even fewer that don't have an "agenda", like getting paid for sex, or blackmailing you. On some of the sites (cheaters and xxxdating), the responses you get aren't even "real" people. They are paid employees of the site, maybe not even women.

So,I struggle like you guys with it all. Do I "be a good boy", staying in our vows, but continue the imagination thing? What do I do with the fact that doing the same thing for 20 years has me bored now? Do I find a "fuck buddy"? Is this person a stranger or friend/neighbor? Do I take my frustration with my wife out writing here about my fantasies?

I do love my wife, she's smart, dedicated, still relatively good looking at 47. We have 2 teen kids and one pre-teen, and it's been "interesting" watching the oldest boy dating, and my shy middle daughter start to "like boys". And the middle-schooler, well, he's a player already. I have been much more open with my oldest about sex than my parents ever were, and it has helped him have a healthy dating scene, while avoiding teenage mistages (like having sex too soon with someone you don't really love). I really don't want a divorce, I just want better sex, and preferably with someone I love. I don't want to screw up my kids' lives.

I have some work to do myself. I am about 100lbs overweight, and I'm sure that one problem with my wife may be that I'm not terribly attractive anymore physically. I've also been told that erectile dysfunction can be "improved" with better physical condition. I hit the gym hard in Feb, but March has been a busy work month, and I've only been able to go once a week. Also, when I was hitting it hard, I didn't lose weight. A friend said that I'm just turning fat into muscle, and that will continue until I convert enough muscle that I'm burning more calories than I eat. I thought about trying Viagra or another one, my 80+ year old dad uses it, but my wife is worried that it will cause "side effects" in the long term. (She works at a hospital, but is pretty much an "alternative medicine" person, because of drug side effects.)

I wrote about my first intercourse experience and submitted it to Literotica, but it has been rejected twice on spelling errors. I ran it through spell check and resubmitted it a third time. The computer only found two legitimate mis-spellings. I guess the standards are pretty high for a first submission. The safest option is probably to write about my fantasies here, and try to keep the home fires buring. If any of you are editors and want to have a look, I'll send it to you.

Please respond with your thoughts, ladies and gents.

BubbaTxMan
(probably overthinking this whole thing)
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:19 PM   #19
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:33 PM   #20
buttercup67
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Have any of those advocating or are active participants in swinging ever looked at the statistics on how many couples in that sort of relationship stay together or suffer depression?

Keep kidding yourselves ....
I'll bet the statistics for swingers staying together or being happy beat the statistics for divorcing couples doing the same.
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:37 PM   #21
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Bubba why do you think that getting divorced, moving on and being happy with someone else will screw up your kids' lives more than finding a fuckbuddy and staying in an unhappy relationship? Surely your kids would hate to see you unhappy?
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:47 PM   #22
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I don't know OfficeGurl. There are so many "other"things that work in our marriage besides sex. She's a good woman, we both care very much for our kids. We agree on money goals. We like each other outside of sex, we've even talked about starting a business together. And the sex was great when we were young. We see so many kids from divorced families that are so messed up. Now, to be fair, many of those divorces were ugly, and the parents haven't "grown up" into mature adults. We've lasted longer than any marriage in her family. And my family is VERY TABOO about divorce. So, you ask why? There it is... You're right, the "fuck buddy" is a terrible idea because I have so much to lose. I will probably delete my adultfriendfinder account soon, since I've pretty much figured it out. So, I guess I'll stay here and write about what I want to do, like a caged lion, peering out from the bars, at the zoo.
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:47 PM   #23
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Every relation ship has its ups and down. My first marriage ended because of dis trusting between us both, but it was a sexless marriage and to find out she had a buddy on the side when i was deployed for 10 months. And after getting sperated i found someone else and played the field. But i have seen people stay together for the kids and i have seen them go there seperate ways and the kids are fine too. They weill learn the truth soon enough and then if ur hiding something and ur married it will come out because of the kids. so think about what you do and say.
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:51 PM   #24
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But when children find out that their parents stayed together just because of the kids and were miserable for years and years that causes them to feel enormous guilt and messes them up just as much as divorce messes some people up.

It seems you are mostly happy with your marriage which is a great thing. In my case, we are not even happy or friends with one another. If its just the sex that is lacking for you then that can be helped. That is much easier to fix than deep unhappiness.
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Old 03-30-2012, 12:59 PM   #25
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very true to both of that. everyone just has to find out what will work with them and not jump the gun until you know that is what you want to do.
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