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Would this be an issue for you?

HottieMama

HottieMama

Notta Domme
Joined
Mar 16, 2007
Posts
6,066
Last night, my girl was asked by a male Dom what she got out of receiving pain. (She is turning into quite the masochist.) She told him very quickly and simply, "It makes me feel loved." This dom as well as several others who heard the conversation have suggested that this is something I should be concerned about. Now, I freely admit to being "new" at being someone's dominant 24/7, but I am not sure what if ANYTHING, I should be worried about.

For the record, I know her history very well, and there are no major red flags in her past...
 
*shrug* I don't see a concern with it from where I'm standing. Granted, I've never stood on the Dom/Top side of things, so maybe I don't have the best view. feeling loved is...just a feeling. It's ridiculous what can make you feel loved. I feel loved when the boyfriend does stupid boyish ridiculous things just to irritate me. It doesn't make any sense, but that's just how it is. Maybe someone else here has more insight, but it doesn't sound particularly odd to me at all. Perhaps they're afraid it indicates some form of psychological problem/history? I don't know...
 
Yeah, same. I feel loved when S bullies me.

They're probably concerned about her getting that feeling from people and situations that aren't actually good for her to be in, but really, lots of people are in danger of having that happen, kink or no kink.

I mean, it seems from here like she's got a great D. Even if she has a history of being in unhealthy relationships, it's more a moot point than not seeing as how she's in one right now and it looks like you're looking out for her and have her best interests at heart.
 
So many ways that receiving pain feels like "love."

I'm being given something that I almost desperately want (and is very hard to find).

When the top has enough experience and/or intuition to know when to stop, or how to take me to my edge and then back off, it feels very intimate, caring and bonding. Like s/he knows me, or is intimately in tune with me.

The intimacy of sharing pain can be very striking, penetrating the layers of our social selves, and feeling like something much deeper is being touched.

The chemical high feels warm and euphoric, which should probably not be mistaken for "love" but does echo it.

The tenderness of a caress that follows a painful slap or strike can be amplified because of the contrast.

(I'm reminded of that famous sonnet "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. . . .)
 
You're not a dumbass, so I don't think it's an issue. :)
 
I've said something very similar to J. When the initial realization hit me [that the rougher he treated me, the more loved I felt], it was uncomfortable [for me]. I had to do a little soul-searching to make sure I was seeing things clearly, and not hiding behind/making excuses for something that wasn't good for either of us.

We talked about it off and on over a few months, and what it finally boiled down to was this -

There is a part of me that needs to feel certain things.Things that most of the world thinks are wrong, or sick, or inappropriate, but for whatever reason those needs are just as valid as my need to be heard, or snuggled, or respected, or valued. Ultimately, I don't feel loved because of how hard he uses me; I feel loved because he sees my need, and is willing to accept/validate it without judgment. As he said the other week - it's a "package deal".
 
BiBunny said:
You're not a dumbass, so I don't think it's an issue. :)
Click to expand...

ROFL... And ya know??? That's the general impression I get from most of these people..."You're a woman and you're not an *experienced Dominant,* and she's young and new so you must have NO FUCKING CLUE what you are doing..."

I talk to her...and more importantly I listen... I am humble enough to know and admit that sometimes I don't know my asshole from a hole in the ground... I am willing to learn WITH her every day, so that WE have the best relationship possible... Isn't that what a "good Dominant" is????

(Sorry, I'm sick of the prevailing "I'm a man so I am better qualified than you to have your girl" attitude that I have gotten recently...)
 
HottieMama said:
ROFL... And ya know??? That's the general impression I get from most of these people..."You're a woman and you're not an *experienced Dominant,* and she's young and new so you must have NO FUCKING CLUE what you are doing..."

I talk to her...and more importantly I listen... I am humble enough to know and admit that sometimes I don't know my asshole from a hole in the ground... I am willing to learn WITH her every day, so that WE have the best relationship possible... Isn't that what a "good Dominant" is????

(Sorry, I'm sick of the prevailing "I'm a man so I am better qualified than you to have your girl" attitude that I have gotten recently...)
Click to expand...

Yes, that's what a good dominant is. At least in my opinion. But I might not be the best one to ask. :p
 
I honestly am not sure why that would raise alarm bells in people.:confused:
 
HottieMama said:
ROFL... And ya know??? That's the general impression I get from most of these people..."You're a woman and you're not an *experienced Dominant,* and she's young and new so you must have NO FUCKING CLUE what you are doing..."

I talk to her...and more importantly I listen... I am humble enough to know and admit that sometimes I don't know my asshole from a hole in the ground... I am willing to learn WITH her every day, so that WE have the best relationship possible... Isn't that what a "good Dominant" is????

(Sorry, I'm sick of the prevailing "I'm a man so I am better qualified than you to have your girl" attitude that I have gotten recently...)
Click to expand...

I can see how that would be super frustrating. Men :rolleyes:

Honestly, from a certain perspective, who's BETTER qualified to Dominate a woman than another woman who usually is on the other side of the power dynamic? I imagine you have a MUCH better idea of where she's coming from than any male PYL. Particularly if they don't know her as well as you do on a personal level. Those idiots can just shove it up their self-important assholes, along with a porcupine. Make sure it's not a hedgehog. You want those quills to come out and lodge in there nicely so every time they take a dump their reminded of their idiocy and the misfortune it has caused them. BUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

...Erm. Nvm. That might be a LITTLE extreme and I may have gotten just a little carried away with my cackling... *ehm* MOVING ON.

IMO, that's precisely what a "good Dominant" is. A communicator who knows their own limits and listens to and learns from their partner. Fuck, that pretty much describes an ideal individual for almost ANY healthy relationship.
 
I know -I- of all people ain't the best baseline model of Normality, but she sounds normal TO ME. :)
 
I could see someone seeing this as a problem if someone says they consider pain as love, if that's all it was. But, there's more to it than that. I'm sure she isn't saying she sees anybody inflicting pain on her as a form of love. She's only saying she sees the pain her partner inflicts on her as love. There's a difference. It's something within the relationship. It's not like she'll go out and pick a fight with someone so she can get beat up and feel the love. :rolleyes:

People want to make every situation into a major case. They aren't doctors nor do they play one on TV. I don't either, but I once looked good enough in greens to play one on TV. No, I don't look that good any more. :mad:
 
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DVS said:
I could see someone seeing this as a problem if someone says they consider pain as love, if that's all it was. But, there's more to it than that. I'm sure she isn't saying she sees anybody inflicting pain on her as a form of love. She's only saying she sees the pain her partner inflicts on her as love. There's a difference. It's something within the relationship. It's not like she'll go out and pick a fight with someone so she can get beat up and feel the love. :rolleyes:

People want to make every situation into a major case. They aren't doctors nor do they play one on TV. I don't either, but I once looked good enough in greens to play one on TV. No, I don't look that good any more. :mad:
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Lol. that's a shame. We could have called you McBeaty :p
 
From the very few conversations I've had with her, your girl isn't super-verbal-- at least, not with folks she doesn't know well. So I wouldn't be surprised if she has more to say then that, but not to those guys.

It might be that, by "feeling loved" she's also trying to express something about the bliss that her endorphins are giving her. Which, as several people here have pointed out, are coming from you in particular.
 
If she feels loved what can be better than that? Unless of course you don't want her to feel loved by you.
 
Stella_Omega said:
From the very few conversations I've had with her, your girl isn't super-verbal-- at least, not with folks she doesn't know well. So I wouldn't be surprised if she has more to say then that, but not to those guys.

It might be that, by "feeling loved" she's also trying to express something about the bliss that her endorphins are giving her. Which, as several people here have pointed out, are coming from you in particular.
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No, she is not super-verbal with most people. She will talk my ear off, but is pretty shy and reserved with others. I honestly think that "feeling loved" is her way of explaining something that doesn't translate well from her brain to her mouth at this point.

Noor said:
If she feels loved what can be better than that? Unless of course you don't want her to feel loved by you.
Click to expand...

That's not it at all. I want her to feel loved, no matter what... I was just looking for other people's opinion on this, because while I have spent a lot of time as a bottom, I do not associate play/pain with love in the least, so I can't understand it from that perspective.
 
HottieMama said:
No, she is not super-verbal with most people. She will talk my ear off, but is pretty shy and reserved with others. I honestly think that "feeling loved" is her way of explaining something that doesn't translate well from her brain to her mouth at this point.



That's not it at all. I want her to feel loved, no matter what... I was just looking for other people's opinion on this, because while I have spent a lot of time as a bottom, I do not associate play/pain with love in the least, so I can't understand it from that perspective.
Click to expand...

I understand. As long as it works for both of you, that is all that matters. People associate all manner of things with love, usually its some form of unconditional acceptance which experiencing pain from you maybe.
 
HottieMama said:
Last night, my girl was asked by a male Dom what she got out of receiving pain. (She is turning into quite the masochist.) She told him very quickly and simply, "It makes me feel loved." This dom as well as several others who heard the conversation have suggested that this is something I should be concerned about. Now, I freely admit to being "new" at being someone's dominant 24/7, but I am not sure what if ANYTHING, I should be worried about.

For the record, I know her history very well, and there are no major red flags in her past...
Click to expand...

There are people who are drawn to kink because they believe this is their only way to obtain erotic or intimate attention. They don't crave pain in the masochistic sense; they just want to be loved, and feel they have no other options.

There are also inexperienced (and some experienced) D-types who unwittingly enter into relationships with such people, and become mired in situations with more emotional baggage than they want or know how to handle.

So to answer your question - yes, this could potentially be a very big issue indeed. I would point this out to any inexperienced D-type in a similar situation, regardless of gender.

Of course, the "potentially" caveat is important. It could be that she really is masochistic in the craving & thriving on pain sense.
 
JMohegan said:
There are people who are drawn to kink because they believe this is their only way to obtain erotic or intimate attention. They don't crave pain in the masochistic sense; they just want to be loved, and feel they have no other options.

There are also inexperienced (and some experienced) D-types who unwittingly enter into relationships with such people, and become mired in situations with more emotional baggage than they want or know how to handle.

So to answer your question - yes, this could potentially be a very big issue indeed. I would point this out to any inexperienced D-type in a similar situation, regardless of gender.

Of course, the "potentially" caveat is important. It could be that she really is masochistic in the craving & thriving on pain sense.
Click to expand...


Thanks for this, and I really do understand what you are saying. If I did not know her and her past as well as I do, I would be concerned about the emotional baggage as well. I honestly feel that she does crave pain in a masochistic sense, however she equates receiving pain from me as love, where I equate receiving pain from a partner as a "release" or a "high."
 
HottieMama said:
Last night, my girl was asked by a male Dom what she got out of receiving pain. (She is turning into quite the masochist.) She told him very quickly and simply, "It makes me feel loved." This dom as well as several others who heard the conversation have suggested that this is something I should be concerned about.
Click to expand...


I guess it raised concerns because this description is close to how some people would also describe destructive forms of distress signals, like self-harming.
 
I am a fair bit of a pain slut. I get off on it, plain and simple. That said, there is pain..and the there is Pain...and then there is PAIN.

None of these are the sort of pain that comes from slamming your toe into the dresser in the middle of the night. That just friggin' hurts.

In the masochistic sense of the ways I categorize pain, the first is just that pain...it is enjoyable to an extent or sometimes just something to be endured. If the dom is not particularly attuned to me, it can even be boring. If sex is also in the mix, it can enhance that. It can be inflicted by my M~ or a designated play partner.

The second, Pain is a bit more. It carries a deeper psychological weight along with the physicality of it. I have experienced it with Doms that were not my Master, but not often. It isn't as much about the degree of the pain as the quality of it and the overall setting as well.

The last category is PAIN. It is physically daunting and it sends me flying. That one, I equate with love to a degree. He cares enough to have learned just what will get me to that point, is willing to inflict it, but also knows when and where it needs to stop. A boundary I don't always recognize as clearly. I fear it and I crave it.
 
CutieMouse said:
I've said something very similar to J. When the initial realization hit me [that the rougher he treated me, the more loved I felt], it was uncomfortable [for me]. I had to do a little soul-searching to make sure I was seeing things clearly, and not hiding behind/making excuses for something that wasn't good for either of us.

We talked about it off and on over a few months, and what it finally boiled down to was this -

There is a part of me that needs to feel certain things.Things that most of the world thinks are wrong, or sick, or inappropriate, but for whatever reason those needs are just as valid as my need to be heard, or snuggled, or respected, or valued. Ultimately, I don't feel loved because of how hard he uses me; I feel loved because he sees my need, and is willing to accept/validate it without judgment. As he said the other week - it's a "package deal".
Click to expand...
Tis is absolutely the most perfect post I ever read. :heart:
 
Just a few comments and opinions I have:

HottieMama said:
Last night, my girl was asked by a male Dom what she got out of receiving pain.
Click to expand...

This "could" have been a legitimate question if he was sincerely trying to determine what 'specifically' she enjoys from a scene.


HottieMama said:
This dom as well as several others who heard the conversation have suggested that this is something I should be concerned about.
Click to expand...

I would have responded with, "Thank you for your suggestion, even though I don't recall asking for it."

In my experience, rarely is unsolicited "advice" worth the paper it is written on. In this situation, I suspect that these people don't understand the connection you and your sub share and have opted to follow the "something I don't understand = bad" mode of thinking.


HottieMama said:
Now, I freely admit to being "new" at being someone's dominant 24/7, but I am not sure what if ANYTHING, I should be worried about.

For the record, I know her history very well, and there are no major red flags in her past...
Click to expand...


I have no reason to suspect your behavior would be any less responsible towards your submissive than it has been here so I wouldn't worry about it.

My opinion is less-than-charitable towards these other dom's and I would be suspicious of their motives.

W~
 
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