Old 07-18-2010, 12:01 PM   #1
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Dear Clowns

So I fancy myself a man's Dear Abby. Do you have questions or moral conundrums you need an answer for? Do you have a problem or issue that has been bugging you and you need to tell someone and receive some sort of advice to help you through it? Dear Clowns is that guy for you. Come sit in my bean bag chair and let your thoughts and problems spill out.

Does size matter?

My husband smells how do I tell him?

My wife's back is hairy what do I do?

My dog looks at me funny everytime I masturbate what does that mean?

You know those questions that plague the every day lives that we all lead. I am a vast wealth of knowledge and I am full of the most bullshit on the site, so please bring it on. Do realize that I do not live on this site, so if it takes me a day or two to respond, please don't take a shotgun with a toe attachment to yourself. Just be patient
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Old 07-18-2010, 12:03 PM   #2
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Dear Clowns -

I have heard the arguments for and against getting a cat or dog and wanted to have you weigh in.

Which tastes more like chicken?
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Old 07-18-2010, 12:15 PM   #3
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Dear Clowns -

I have heard the arguments for and against getting a cat or dog and wanted to have you weigh in.

Which tastes more like chicken?
Dear Dietary Dilemma,

Wow my first question and it is on food. Hmmm that is a tough one. You see Pussy tends to taste like tuna or salmon or even rotten mayo depending on their hygiene. So if you like the taste and smell of fish then I would say certainly a cat is your best bet.

Then again a dog has more meat so if you are a Hungry Jack meal kind of man then a dog might be the way to go. Also are you a mess in the kitchen? If so then butchering one animal as opposed to 2 or 3 to get the same meat might be the way to go.

The drawback on a dog is that they tend to eat their own shit and when they vomit they are the first to clean it up. So take precaution in the choice you make but over Penne Pasta you really cannot go wrong with either.

As for the question of which one tastes like chicken, I would have to go with dog only because pussy smell is so fishy it doesn't even come close to chicken.
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Old 07-18-2010, 12:58 PM   #4
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of course you can PM me your questions. Like porn and erectile disfunction pills in the mail your anonymity is completely secure or you get a full money back guarantee...
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Old 07-18-2010, 01:06 PM   #5
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Dear Dietary Dilemma,

Wow my first question and it is on food. Hmmm that is a tough one. You see Pussy tends to taste like tuna or salmon or even rotten mayo depending on their hygiene. So if you like the taste and smell of fish then I would say certainly a cat is your best bet.

Then again a dog has more meat so if you are a Hungry Jack meal kind of man then a dog might be the way to go. Also are you a mess in the kitchen? If so then butchering one animal as opposed to 2 or 3 to get the same meat might be the way to go.

The drawback on a dog is that they tend to eat their own shit and when they vomit they are the first to clean it up. So take precaution in the choice you make but over Penne Pasta you really cannot go wrong with either.

As for the question of which one tastes like chicken, I would have to go with dog only because pussy smell is so fishy it doesn't even come close to chicken.
it is the thorughness of the answers that makes this column sooo popular...thanks a million!
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Old 07-18-2010, 01:08 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by jeff_is_smiling View Post
it is the thorughness of the answers that makes this column sooo popular...thanks a million!
Jeff it is my pleasure. Had I known you were into butchering pets ahead of time i would have sent you over to my neighbors house where the dog kept me up all last night barking. Good luck with your culinary exploits
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Old 07-18-2010, 01:12 PM   #7
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Jeff it is my pleasure. Had I known you were into butchering pets ahead of time i would have sent you over to my neighbors house where the dog kept me up all last night barking. Good luck with your culinary exploits
A clever trick I used on my dog once...he was tending to "self clean-up" his own poop...I'd clean up, but he'd hide a morsel or two to munch on later....and then he'd breath directly into my face after eating....sad sad tale...anyways, I found THE secret to cleaning up a dog's breath....

Clorosceptic! Spray some of that into a dog's mouth...it makes his breath minty fresh (ok, maybe not so much), AND numbs his mouth at the same time...it is like "smokers gum" for shit eating dogs....works well....maybe you can use that in a future column?
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Old 07-18-2010, 01:15 PM   #8
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A clever trick I used on my dog once...he was tending to "self clean-up" his own poop...I'd clean up, but he'd hide a morsel or two to munch on later....and then he'd breath directly into my face after eating....sad sad tale...anyways, I found THE secret to cleaning up a dog's breath....

Clorosceptic! Spray some of that into a dog's mouth...it makes his breath minty fresh (ok, maybe not so much), AND numbs his mouth at the same time...it is like "smokers gum" for shit eating dogs....works well....maybe you can use that in a future column?
Certainly thank you for the tips. Hint from Clowns could be my next column. I think to get rid of dogs bad breath is to give them peanut butter on a regular basis stuffed with altoids...That way they get to kill those bad germs and you get to iggle as you entertain yourself watching them lick the roof of theirs mouths for hours on end.
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Old 07-18-2010, 01:23 PM   #9
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Dear Clowns,

I have an extensive lingerie collection. I love pretty things, and I feel nice in them. My dilemma is this.

Nat is a sonic stripper. Now he is reading this and shaking his head that I am telling on him, but he says he sees me and just wants ... skin!

I am standing there in a nice dress, feel a slight breeze and am naked!

How do I get him to slow down and enjoy the window dressing?

I know this is a thread for guys, but my guy stalks me and will see this. Hope you don't mind.

Thank you,

Likes skin too...but ya know???
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Old 07-18-2010, 01:32 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by kendra1980 View Post
Dear Clowns,

I have an extensive lingerie collection. I love pretty things, and I feel nice in them. My dilemma is this.

Nat is a sonic stripper. Now he is reading this and shaking his head that I am telling on him, but he says he sees me and just wants ... skin!

I am standing there in a nice dress, feel a slight breeze and am naked!

How do I get him to slow down and enjoy the window dressing?

I know this is a thread for guys, but my guy stalks me and will see this. Hope you don't mind.

Thank you,

Likes skin too...but ya know???
Dear Pretty things lover,

Please understand this is not a column for just guys. I tend to the needs of all brothers and sisters.

As for your issue, first off be glad that your man likes you nude. I can't tell you how many letters I receive from men who find their wives or significant others unattractive. So be grateful that he wants you naked.

Do you want to make your man happy? Do you want to keep your man happy? Instead of spending all of that money on lingerie why not buy your man something he would really appreciate. Like a nice TV or a new grill. Imagine what kind of money you could save and buy stuff for him if you were to quit buying all of that lingerie.

As for getting him to slow down and enjoy the window dressing just imagine a hungry fat guy in line at Golden Coral. Those things just can't be stopped. He sees you as a buffet and his tray is empty. Why go for a salad when you can go straight to the main course?

So my advice would be to ditch the lingerie. Stick with a tank top and some boy shorts. Sexy and inexpensive. The flash of lingerie can be appealing for 2 seconds then all a guy is thinkng is what contraption is this and how many minutes of button fumbling is it going to take to get her out of it.
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Old 07-18-2010, 03:50 PM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kendra1980 View Post
Dear Clowns,

I have an extensive lingerie collection. I love pretty things, and I feel nice in them. My dilemma is this.

Nat is a sonic stripper. Now he is reading this and shaking his head that I am telling on him, but he says he sees me and just wants ... skin!

I am standing there in a nice dress, feel a slight breeze and am naked!

How do I get him to slow down and enjoy the window dressing?

I know this is a thread for guys, but my guy stalks me and will see this. Hope you don't mind.

Thank you,

Likes skin too...but ya know???
ROFLMAO...............
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Then they came for the Jews,
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Then they came for the Catholics,
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Old 07-18-2010, 04:10 PM   #12
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Dear Clowns,

Is there such as a thing as too much sex?

Just curious
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Old 07-18-2010, 04:27 PM   #13
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Dear Clowns,

Is there such as a thing as too much sex?

Just curious
Dear sex crazed,

It depends on what kind of sex you ar having. Ifit is buy yourself and you are having to go to Costco for new batteries every week then yeah I would say you are having too much sex.

If you are having sex that causes you to walk like a motorcycle cop and him to wince every time he takes is dick out of his pants then I would have to say yes there is such a thing.

Now on the flip side think of all the calories you are burning. Well if you are working with a partner. Oh and think of all the money you are saving on lotion if you don't want him cumming inside you.

Just rememebr that having sex can cause kids and unless you have the M.A.P. make sure he is double bagging it. Beter yet go ahead and get your tubes tied that way you can feel the natural sensations that a piece of rubber tightly trapped over a cockhead really doesn't provide.
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Old 07-18-2010, 04:50 PM   #14
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ROFLMAO...............
You laughed at the question good..Now if you laughed at the answer then my credibility would be shot.
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Old 07-18-2010, 04:53 PM   #15
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You laughed at the question good..Now if you laughed at the answer then my credibility would be shot.
He laughed at the question because it is spot on.

Thank you for the acknowledgment that my man likes me naked.

He's said so...often enough I believe him.



Next question.

I have a friend who went to the beauty shop with her husband. Husband got frosted hair and a pedicure.

My own Nat says there is no way in hell he would do that. Is this other man just getting in touch with his feminine side, being more metrosexual...or something else?

I wanna know!
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Old 07-18-2010, 04:57 PM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IhateClowns View Post
You laughed at the question good..Now if you laughed at the answer then my credibility would be shot.
Credibility??? Pffttt...I don't want to discourage you from providing a cheap entertainment alternative.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kendra1980 View Post
He laughed at the question because it is spot on.

Thank you for the acknowledgment that my man likes me naked.

He's said so...often enough I believe him.
That you had to ask another man to confirm what I told you is a little troubling, but Clowns had my back.
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First they came for the Communists,
but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists,
but I was neither, so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Jews,
but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Catholics,
but I was not a Catholic so I did not speak out.
And when they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak out.


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Old 07-18-2010, 04:59 PM   #17
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Credibility??? Pffttt...I don't want to discourage you from providing a cheap entertainment alternative.



That you had to ask another man to confirm what I told you is a little troubling, but Clowns had my back.
No, I believe you like me good and naked, you keep me that way enough to make that very apparent.
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Old 07-18-2010, 05:00 PM   #18
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No, I believe you like me good and naked, you keep me that way enough to make that very apparent.
You're a beauty and I'm a red-blooded straight male.

I'd be a fool not to want you naked as often as possible.

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First they came for the Communists,
but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists,
but I was neither, so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Jews,
but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out.
Then they came for the Catholics,
but I was not a Catholic so I did not speak out.
And when they came for me,
and there was no one left to speak out.


Pastor Martin Niemöller


Contemnit procellas
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Old 07-18-2010, 05:04 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by kendra1980 View Post
He laughed at the question because it is spot on.

Thank you for the acknowledgment that my man likes me naked.

He's said so...often enough I believe him.



Next question.

I have a friend who went to the beauty shop with her husband. Husband got frosted hair and a pedicure.

My own Nat says there is no way in hell he would do that. Is this other man just getting in touch with his feminine side, being more metrosexual...or something else?

I wanna know!
Dear need to know now,

How old is this guy? I cannot question the mans sexuality but is he a foreigner? Did they have to get married for him to become a US citizen?

For instance, if his walls are adorned with N'Sync posters and Justing Bieber is in his d player then yes I would say he likes to suck cock. I would start looking at his text records and seeing how many cock shots he is sending out over his phone.

Was Vanilla Ice a hero of his growing up? Don't get me wrong I love a good foot massage every now and then but you will NEVER see me paying some Chinese lady to buff my feet while I sit in a chair reading people magazine. Did he get any sort of adornment on his big toes? You know like a flower or Justin Timberlake's face?

Like I said I do not know the guy but I would be very careful of the places he goes and the people he sees. Final question. Does he have any new stretch marks around his lips? If so tell her to seek a divorce lawyer immediately.

Frosted tips on an adult man should be outlawed.
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Old 07-18-2010, 05:07 PM   #20
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*munches on popcorn*

This is a very entertaining thread, I am loving it!!

More please!
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Old 07-18-2010, 05:13 PM   #21
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*munches on popcorn*

This is a very entertaining thread, I am loving it!!

More please!
Pass the popcorn damin it. People gots issues and I need the energy to help fix em'
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Old 07-18-2010, 05:17 PM   #22
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I had a woman tell me she loved me for the first time, and that she was pregnant with someone else's child...all in the same sentence. I dumped her, but felt guilty that I could be missing out on the love of my life;

I'm so confused, did i do the right thing? Should I call her? Even for a booty call?
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Old 07-18-2010, 05:24 PM   #23
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I had a woman tell me she loved me for the first time, and that she was pregnant with someone else's child...all in the same sentence. I dumped her, but felt guilty that I could be missing out on the love of my life;

I'm so confused, did i do the right thing? Should I call her? Even for a booty call?
Dear Lucky,

There is no such thing as the love of your life. If she gives it up and is pretty and intelligent then she is a keeper and you feel she is the love of your life. It is funny that other then movies no one that is attractive finds an ugly fucker the love of their lives. Only the ones that we find attractive.

So you did the right thing. Why would you want to be on Maury Povich in 3 years. Sitting there with the "love of your life" having Maury tell your wife that the guy in the back room doesn't feel like the baby is his. So he comes out on stage, crowd booing him. Him giving them the finger calling your wife a cunt.

Then before Maury gives the verdict she tells you she has a secret and it turns out she has been banging your brother and 3 of your friends and that she is pregnant again. So you get up and scream at her and run behind the stage to find Maury coming after you trying to comfort you. His hands on your shoulders, that smell of Old Spice wafting between the two of you as you have this awkward moment on TV.

He convinces you to come back on stage where all of the audience cheers you on. Then Maury announces the Verdict. "Jamal, you are NOT the father of baby Secretia" Your wife starts sobbing the crowd calling her a whore and jamal pointing and laughing at her and telling you to have fun taking care of baby Secretia. You are trapped due to Maury's magic spell that brought you back on stage and now you are stuck with baby Secretia and another on the way that you have no idea who the daddy is.

You did nothing wrong. Keep the money. Don't buy a ring. If you want loving take that money and buy a hooker.
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Old 07-18-2010, 05:33 PM   #24
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Found my true calling. I am quitting work tomorrow.
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Old 07-18-2010, 05:40 PM   #25
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dear i hate clowns,

why are people so stupid to the point they teach cats to shit in a box in the house when they can go outside like the dog?
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